Just found out our student is having major roommate issues that we believe reflect some significant mental health problems within the roommate.
Our student reports being insulted and criticized on a daily basis, the roommate going days at a time without speaking to our student to show displeasure, and, most notably, throwing an item of our student’s belonging (in our student’s absence) and intentionally pointing it out, saying, “I threw it because I was in such a rage at you.”
Our student is generally a very kind and tolerant person, and is neat and not extreme in habits. At this point, our student has now recognized that a request to move is needed. The question is, should someone approach the university counseling center to indicate that there seems to be a significant issue here? We are concerned that our student moving out could send things to an even worse place. Of course we are concerned for our student, but also for the roommate getting some help.
I’d have your student start by talking to the RA. Certainly throwing out possessions of another is unacceptable. Student can also begin to inquire about changing roommates next semester.
Very interesting question. I’d start with the RA and discuss the need to move, but also stress that the roommate has some problems that seem pretty big. Get another set of eyes and opinion on the kid’s behavior.
Does the roommate have friends? Is he in a group or organization where other people are keeping an eye on him and would notice if something were amiss?
I agree that starting with the RA is a good idea, but ramp it up from there if nothing happens. My son WAS that student who fell mentally ill. To be honest, if his roommate had contacted us, I would have said, “Our son is perfectly healthy - he’s never struggled with anything!” I would have thought it was the roommate who was nuts. It wasn’t until my son realized himself that something was wrong that he went to the Student Health Center. In hindsight, I wish someone had spoken up sooner, because I’m sure his behavior was odd.
If your child is concerned about the roommate’s mental health, have them call the counseling center/service for advice but not necessarily to “report” the roommate. They will likely ask questions and know how best to approach the situation. Keep in mind, it’s not up to your child or you (or us) to diagnose or treat the roommate. Also have your child talk to the RA concerning roommate relations or ask how to request a room change. The main focus should be getting your child to a safe and suitable dorm situation. Good luck.
Can you clarify something for me? Did the roommate “throw out” something of your child’s and then tell him/her, or did roommate “throw” an item of child’s? The first instance would seem mean-spirited to me, while the second I would take as a much more aggressive action. Also, if roommate seems to have a “significant issue” as you say, I would see if my child could switch rooms sooner, rather than later. Your child should definitely speak with RA about concerns and initiate room change ASAP, but I wouldn’t let roomie in on the plans just yet. If roommate has a volatile temper, who knows what could be next. Good luck.
Great thoughts, thanks. Peachy267, the action was to throw an item of our child’s and then report that intentional action to our child (because of the roommate’s rage at our child.) And, like you, I saw that as being an abnormally aggressive action both in throwing the item and in making sure that our child knew.
Anyone that uses the words “because I was in such a rage with you” is just plain scary. I don’t know many normal, balanced, mentally healthy kids that go “into a rage,” even in their minds. I would not feel safe in that environment and certainly wouldn’t leave my student in it. Has to be disruptive to your student in so many ways. Having a room mate doesn’t mean you have tolerate crazy or someone that is simply mean spirited. Talk to someone asap and send an email asap - agree "I don’t feel safe"is excellent to use. If you are really concerned, you could also send an email sharing these feelings.
The University of Rochester has a wonderful system, where anyone can send a “Care report.” It can be used to notify the University when something just doesn’t seem right.
I strongly agree that the words “I don’t feel safe” and “I am afraid the violence will escalate” need to be said explicitly to the RA and then to someone at the counseling center and the housing office. Put it in writing. You want immediate action on finding another housing situation for your daughter and for her room-mate to get immediate help from professionals in handling her anger more appropriately. Do not wait for the escalation to happen.
My D went through a similar issue. Not all RAs are well equipped/trained to deal with this. As above, document and set a time frame for response by the RA and the college. It took getting the Dean of Students and campus police involved before my D got results. Ours was different in that there were 4 roommates in a suite setting and the three wanted to stay together. The college’s default is to move your student. If your D is up for the move, do it ASAP.
The University of Rochester “care report” is a good idea. Unfortunately, Clemson appears to not have such a form. http://www.clemson.edu/campus-life/campus-services/redfern/mental-health/ Contact info is on that website, though, so OP’s son has some people/places to contact. (Really, though, getting himself out of that roommate situation is the most important thing right now.)
I agree that your child needs to be removed from this situation quickly. It sounds as though your child is male which makes me believe that the roommates behaviors may be more extreme and have been going on for awhile before your child even felt the need to discuss them with you. I know that sounds like a stereotypical statement , but as the mother of boys my experience has been boys tend to downplay a situation . That being said, when his roommate begins to escalate , your son needs to leave the room and immediately go to the RA for 2 reasons, one to keep him safe and two so that the roommates can be observed while it’s happening . Unfortunately , things have to get somewhat severe before action is taken. I agree that he needs to use terms like " I feel unsafe " “things have been escalating " I’m afraid that I may be hurt”
in order for the right people to take the situation seriously. You are right to be concerned . Your son needs to request a roommate change quickly . I agree with @Peachy267 . He should not let the roommate know what his plans are for moving.
When I was in collegel, one enraged roommate with mental health issues attacked another with a hammer, causing serious injuries. I would first make it a priority to get your DS out of there pronto. Then let the RA worry about the mental health issues, but certainly make the RA aware of why the move is necessary, since you don’t want to put another student into the same situation.
Good luck! I don’t mean to scare you but better safe than sorry applies in this instance.
I agree that OP’s child needs to do something about the situation, But I don’t know if we should all rush in and say that the room mate is mentally ill. He could be a drama queen or a jerk or a bully. Ignoring someone or insulting them because you don’t like them is immature but is not a sign of mental illness.
OP didn’t say what type of object was thrown or if it was destroyed. If he threw a coat because it was on “his side”, that would be one thing. If he threw a computer and destroyed it that would be a different situation. And OP did not say that her child felt threatened and did not say that room mate had lost his temper at her son.
Of course, I could be totally barking up the wrong tree but based on the info provided I don’t think it is fair to call the room mate mentally ill.
It wasn’t until my son realized himself that something was wrong that he went to the Student Health Center. In hindsight, I wish someone had spoken up sooner, because I’m sure his behavior was odd.