<p>For 15 years, we have been part of a group of four couples that go out for dinner once a month. At the conclusion of dinner, we all get out our calendars and schedule the date for the next month. Over the past three or four years, one couple has been emailing the group about two weeks before we are supposed to go out, stating that something has come up, and could we reschedule. This starts a frustrating experience of trying to find a date that works for four couples, while communicating via a group email. There’s always one of the four who doesn’t check their email, or does a reply instead of a reply all, or who just simply states, “None of those dates work,” without offering any alternatives. It should be noted that the “one of the four” is different in each situation.</p>
<p>Since I’m the most organized in the group, I made the mistake of leading the group through this process early on, and now everyone just waits for me to clean up the mess. I’ve implemented a few suggestions to streamline the process, but it’s still very frustrating.</p>
<p>In the past five months, 50% of our events have needed to be rescheduled.</p>
<p>It should be noted that the few times my husband and I have had a conflict, we just simply notify the group that we can’t make it, and to let us know the date of the next dinner after they schedule it. My husband and I feel that it’s better to back out than to impact the schedules of the other couples.</p>
<p>In my almost 60 years of social interaction, I have never encountered this type of behavior. I think it’s wrong to expect other people to rearrange their schedules because something better came along for you. But because the other three couples seem to be fine with this, I’m starting to doubt myself.</p>
<p>Is this socially acceptable behavior? WWYD? (What Would You Do?)</p>
<p>Time for an intervention. When the group sets a date, that’s the date. If something comes up and one couple can’t attend, you look forward to seeing them next time, or the time after that. </p>
<p>Would it make sense to suggest that your group pick a “standard” day (the second Saturday, or the third Tuesday) and handle it more like a book club, where you set the dates well in advance and adjust well in advance for holidays?</p>
<p>I would be the couple like you and your husband . If we couldn’t make it, I’d assume the rest of the group goes on as scheduled. Or those three on their own can decide if they want to keep the date or punt it till the next month. Too much work /feelings/ complications otherwise eat in the way!!!</p>
<p>No, it’s not socially acceptable. It’s pretty obvious that what is “coming up” each time is not a family emergency or something that everyone would understand like winning an all-expenses-paid weekend in Paris. I think this is the “new” thing now–because of all the technological advances we have, people have both more ways of communicating at the last minute and also more PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE ways of communicating without having to admit (i.e., on the phone) what they are doing when they back out of an existing commitment.</p>
<p>If I were you I would say, going forward, that the dinner date is going to be the third Friday of every month (or whatever) and you will have it whether everyone is there or not.</p>
<p>I agree with ararab, just change the rules. If everyone can’t make it every time, so what? And if others would prefer to reschedule, they can be in charge of the work of figuring out a new date. </p>
<p>I agree. I have a ladies’ breakfast group of six women that does this same thing. We meet on the first Saturday of every month for breakfast. At the beginning we started changing the date around when this one, that one, or the other one couldn’t make that day. Then one of us got smart and said, “Here. This is what it is. No more shifting the date around. If you can come, you come; if not, we’ll see you next month.”</p>
<p>Sometimes it’s as few as three of us, other times it’s the full six. </p>
<p>ETA: Fifteen years of friendship is a wonderful thing!</p>
<p>I had this happen to me once. There were 7-8 of us. Most of the time, if anyone had a conflict, they just skipped and the meeting proceeded as scheduled. One time tho, one person requested we reschedule. It was my turn to host and just about the last free week I had that year to host the event. After much hesitation, I said I really couldn’t. The person got upset and persuaded one or two other members not to attend. </p>
<p>You are going to way too much trouble to appease one couple. Instead, it is aggravating everyone else. </p>
<p>The date is the date, and maybe less people attend. </p>
<p>I also cannot imagine this social scenario of dinner out with same couples for 15 years every month. i couldn’t do it! Maybe that one couple is tired of it, and wants a change but does not want to say anything, and this is a passive aggressive way to control group. </p>
<p>15 years is a tradition and maybe people still value the tradition but not all that much. I don’t think it’s good behavior to demand every one else change schedules but I think the context of 15 years says a lot. Maybe people really want to keep the tradition going and don’t realize the inconvenience they’re imposing. I can think of a few reasons. </p>
<p>I’d say the best approach might be to bring up the issue, obviously beforehand and then explicitly at the next dinner, and say something like “this is a rule we’re going to try: here’s the date and if you can’t come you miss and you’ll come to the next one” or whatever else you work out. </p>
<p>What you have is a small social club that meets regularly. Pick a day of the week and then decide how often. If you miss, you miss just like any club meeting. That never limits you from having ADDITIONAL times to get together with your friends (why just see friends once a month? or from CANCELING a meeting totally if no one can come.
What it DOES do is keep it way in advance on everybody’s schedule. And you out of the loop.</p>
<p>We always had trouble setting a date that worked with everyone for our book club. One person always had a late meeting that night, another had a class, a third sang in the choir. It was endless. I finally gave up. I miss the group, except the one person who joined later and then created all the tension.</p>
<p>I agree with those who suggest setting rules. What our group does is rotate picking the date each month, then whomever can make it comes, and if not, then hopefully it works for them the next month. We occasionally change the date when a majority cannot come, but that is completely optional on the part of the <em>host.</em> Some who have a standing commitment to something else (like, “the third Thursday of each month won’t work for me”) can voice that at the outset, and those dates are always ruled out.</p>
<p>We are a close group and feel like we’ve lost a family member if one couple can’t join us. I think that’s the motivator to attempt to appease the passive aggressive couple who are probably trying to tell us something. </p>
<p>The one piece of information I intentionally left out of the first post, is that the offending couple has become very active in the underdog political party of our county, and has made numerous remarks regarding the need for more people to get involved. I think there’s some deep seated resentment because the rest of us are not working as hard as they are. Although they never tell us explicitly why we must reschedule, there is some hint that a political function has come up, and they just must be there. Although I find it hard to believe that this political group plans events with such a small window of forewarning. Maybe that’s why they are the underdog party. :)) </p>
<p>Because the other couples seem to be very flexible, my husband and I told them a few weeks ago that if they wanted to reschedule a night, to not include us and we’ll just meet them next month. I don’t think they will be successful in rescheduling without my guidance anyway, so it will be interesting. Four weeks ago they said we needed to schedule our next dinner, which got snowed out. I told them I wasn’t going to orchestrate that anymore. No one else has stepped up to take over. And so it goes.</p>
<p>I have a group like this, which gets together only because I do all the work to orchestrate it. Sometimes I get resentful, but then I realize that they all come (nearly) every time, and rave about how fun it is and how glad they are that I organize it. So then I decided that I need to look at it in terms of how much these reunions mean to <em>me,</em> since I’m doing the work. </p>
<p>If this group is important to you, then keep it going, because it will benefit you. If <em>you</em> don’t care too much about it anymore, then step back and see if someone else will pick up the reigns, but be prepared to see it peter out.</p>
<p>Do you think it could be possible that every month is too frequent for this group at this point in time? Perhaps if you scheduled a get together every other month then all of the couples would treat the commitment more seriously. </p>
<p>I agree that a regularly scheduled time works best. </p>