My only older sibling never married . She has no financial concerns but she lives hours away from me. We dealt with the death of my mother a few years ago and I spent weeks there (where my sister is) when that was going on. She is having a lumpectomy for stage one breast cancer tomorrow and her friends are taking her ( I took her to three appointments leading up to that when I was visiting). We are very close . We dealt with medical issues with both parents. My kids are very close to their aunt and I have told them they may have responsibility down the line for her. Is that unfair? My husband has 2 siblings but they have spouses and children. We would be the last in line with them if there was an issue but I/my kids would be the first in line with my sister. My kids will have potential responsibility (which they are not obligated to assume) for both me and my husband as we age, but also my sister.
If your children want to take this responsibility, fine. But you don’t have the power to impose it on them. I think this is something that your sister should work out on her own. If you think she’ll assume that your children will eventually have the responsibility, it would be appropriate for you to explain that this is something she needs to talk to them about.
I’m in a similar situation with my sister. We live in the same city, so no distance issues at this time, but down the road, if either of my kids are living some distance away, it might be difficult for them to assume responsibility for my sister. I think you could explain needing time off to an employer easier for a parent than for an aunt. I think my girls would do all they could, though, since they have always had a close relationship. My sister has also asked for their ss#'s for different beneficiary forms over the years, so they are also aware that they will benefit from her “estate.” My sister does have a network of friends that are also a big support for her. They have been lifetime friends and when she has had a serious need for assistance, they all pitch in, even though they have spouses and families of their own.
Thanks, @JAM113, Yes, good friends are going with her in the morning and I spoke with one of them this morning. S Same thing as my sister has an “estate” . We did not grow up with money but my sister worked and invested well. My kids both have good jobs and if anything I have made it clear to my sister that she should not worry about leaving everything to her nephews! I am more concerned about the emotional , long distance issues about any of this than I am about anything financial.
I looked after my aunt when she had cancer. It’s what families do. There will be no-one to care for me.
Wow, interesting question. I have 5 siblings. Only one is married with children. One other is divorced with no children, and THREE of them have never married and have no children and no SO. If any of them were to become ill, I’m going to be the logical one to step in. That’s a lot of responsibility to ponder.
You mean, when.
@VeryHappy, good point.
My oldest and best-est friend has been charged (along with her younger sister) with caring for their older brother, who never married. He has had a series of strokes, was a hoarder while living on his own, and is now in an assisted living facility with nursing care. It’s a burden on my friend and her sister but – it’s what you do for family.
I thought so much of a friend of mine, 60 with an overly full life and health and monetary problems of his own, as he took on the demanding care for his aunt. For over a year prior to her death, he was driving her to appointments, sitting with doctors, working through financial data, etc. I could see it was taking a toll on him. When I suggested transferring some of the tasks to social services, his reply was “My mom never drove. After my dad died, Aunt Marge took her everywhere and watched out for her for years. I can do this for her.”
His attitude taught me a lot. I hope I can remember the lesson if I face the situation. Hopefully, your kids will also remember the love they have for their aunt and be able to work through the balance and logistics of being there, providing help themselves and finding other appropriate resources for her.
Once you have medicare can you live anywhere and get medical treatment or is it state specific?
Our relatives would have to come stay with us in a different state than they live to have our help. Sadly some will need help before they reach 65. Most are also financially challenged.
rosered, I don’t think my sister would approach my sons about this. I am the one who has approached them about it in a matter of fact way- that if I die before my sister, they may have some responsibility for their aunt’s wellbeing. I agree, I can’t “impose” on them what they should do. But they are good kids and love their aunt and I am pretty confident they would do the right thing. But I do worry. We went through years of dealing with the decline of both moms. People are living longer and caregiving does take a toll.
Are you most concerned about the emotional? If she has the financial resources, there can be many options for the basics. Some of the issues we see on the parents caring for parents thread have to do with tussles with our elderly relatives- eg, the hoarding that can’t be resolved,continued driving when it’s unsafe, or the refusal to go to assisted living, get home help, or move closer to the caring relatives. You can start to discuss these sorts of issues with your sister now, if needed, to make things smoother in the future. Best wishes, this is kind and thoughtful of you and your kids.
Yes, I’m more concerned about the emotional issues. She worked her whole life (she is 65), was fairly frugal, saved and invested well. She has no financial concerns. Thank you, lookingforward.
I am personally worried about DH’s reclusive brother, my BIL. He never married and has very few friends. If DH dies before both me and his brother, I would probably have to step up to the plate to help the brother. And he’s not my favorite person in the world. That would be an act of duty, not of love.
So sevmom, part of the conversation might be about whether she is wiling to spend on herself, as her needs grow. It can be as simple, at first, as the sisterly “what if” conversations. Eg, how the boys would naturally like to be able to help/visit and, when the time comes, would she be willing to move to a senior place near one or both?
If she’s a willing sort, the emotional gets a bit easier. 65 is still young, but even my friends and I have these what if talks.
Yes, we have had the kinds of talks about a potential decline and need for flexibility in possibly moving if necessary. All abstract at this point but I think keeping options open helps.
@VeryHappy Those kinds of situations are tough. My sister has a friend/neighbor who is 74 . Her only sibling is a brother who is 72, very bright but with a history of mental health issues. Neither married and the sister worries about her brother all the time. He lives with her for all intents and purposes but maintains an apartment. We actually hope he goes before her as he would be totally lost without his sister.
Actually, I think “if” is a perfectly reasonable word. Not everyone becomes ill or dependent.
My parents were divorced and both were on their own as they grew older. But my sister and I never spent a single day caring for them because the issue never arose. Each of them died suddenly while still completely independent. Sometimes it happens that way.
Of course, I’m not saying that there can’t be problems when people without families grow older or become ill. I know there can be. I had an unmarried aunt who was in deteriorating health for the last decade of her life, and her brother (my father) ended up being responsible for her care.
But there are also cases where it doesn’t happen.
My great aunt is in her mid-90s. My dad and his brother have taken responsibility for their aunt. I agree, it’s what families do.