Exactly, sevmom. That’s why I’m so surprised that my Sis thinks it’s up to her to move to mom. Probably another one of those family conversations that should be held.
I have only one sibling, my sister who lost her son in August. She lives near my parents in Austin, while I am in Maine. My parents are healthy now, but showing their ages (77 and 78). After her son’s funeral, she told me, “After all this, I don’t think I’m up to looking after Mom and Dad.” I totally understand her feelings, but I’m not sure what I can do about them. My parents have already gotten on a list for a retirement community. They will be able to get more and more care as they need it. Financially, there will be no problems, but they will still need help, I’m sure. They would NEVER move from Texas to Maine!
I am so sorry that your sister lost her son. If your sister is going to remain near Austin , your parents being in a retirement community near there, that has a continuum of care will probably be helpful. It will still mean she may have to give them some help but may not be as overwhelming as if they decline and are still in their home. I was lucky in that my sister was living with my mother when my mother declined In her 80’s. If I had been an only child. I would have had to strongly encourage her to move my way ( hours away).
@Mainelonghorn, oh no, so sorry your sister lost her son. I can only imagine the pain, and I just can’t let myself go there very often. Losing a child is just so “wrong” in the sense that it’s not how life is “supposed” to go.
I personally would never tell or even hint that my children might be responsible for one of our siblings.
You state the children are very close to her…let it work out naturally. If they are love her and care about her, they will naturally be there for her most likely.
Do we feel the same way about our kids helping us in the future? Just to use the most recent phrase, “let it work out naturally” -? What if something happens to us and they don’t know our wishes.end of life preferences or even what and where the assets are, etc? Remember,OP, her sons and this aunt are close. It’s not like sevmom is blindsiding them with a mandate to take care of some distant or unpleasant relative.
What is "naturally,"especially when the kids are young,finishing college and starting jobs? I think it’s unfair to suggest they learn when some crisis hits, try to figure out which end is up after Mom not able to guide them. Imo
LF, end of life decisions have been told to me by my parents since I was a young teen. I always knew what their wishes were in case anything happened. From there, I just kind of asked questions about my uncle because I figured it would fall to me. I know what he wants at the end of life and after, too.
I appreciate the fact that these things have kind of just been normalized to me rather than leaving it to a highly emotional time.
Yes, they have always been close to my sister. My sister and I took them on many trips together when they were growing up (without my husband), they visited her on their own , we still vacation together , she still sends them goodies, etc. This is not some distant or unpleasant relative. I can’t tell them what to do but do hope they will assist her down the road if their help is ever needed. She won’t need financial help but may need emotional support.
OP - You say that she won’t need financial help. But honestly even if she has a good amount saved it could be chewed up if she ends up in an assisted living facility or her investments if they are in stocks may lose value. My In laws had a lot saved however my MIL is now in an assisted living facility and it is very costly. Just something to think about…because I think you said your sister is only 65 so she could conceivably live another 30 years or more.
Thanks. She has consulted with people about her assets. She has long term care insurance as well. Her advisor has told her that she has more than enough money to outlive her assets. He has advised her to start spending more of her money and enjoying herself. She has talked with the advisor about giving her nephews help with down payments on houses and he has told her she has plenty of money for any of that. She has money to give to charities she cares about. She always worked, invested and saved. My mother in law was in assisted living and memory care for years so I know how costly that gets. Thanks for the reminder.
We recently answered all those questions (quite delinquent in doing so, I might add) when we did some serious estate planning. Our executor knows where to find all our paperwork, and our lawyer also has it stored in his facility. The only thing we haven’t settled would be preferences about burial/cremation and type of service desired, etc. And those are important things, also.
We have the funds to provide for ourselves in the event of catastrophic illness, but I imagine the daughters would want to be present and involved, if they could.
We have only done rather preliminary estate planning. We did talk with our attorney and he knows our wishes. We have more than enough to provide for ourselves and leave an estate, even if we need care in the future.
My mother cared for her childless aunt, who lived to be something like 94. I remember when she had someone take the distributor cap off her car to render it non-operational, because my aunt was literally a one-woman demolition derby. One sad thing is that the person who does the most for these people is always presented as the one who does the least. So whenever anyone would visit my great-aunt she would immediately complain that my mother never came to see her.
Mother convinced some friend of hers to take her aunt to a doctor’s appointment because she couldn’t do it. My aunt was quite deaf. While they were sitting in the doctor’s office a very large woman walked in. My great-aunt leaned over to mother’s friend, put her hand up as if she was whispering, and screamed (I do mean scream) “That’s the fattest woman I ever saw!” The friend had only two words for my mother: “Never again.”
Interesting thread. I understand the dilemma this may cause some families. We took care of my mom and had her live with us for years, something I did not mind doing. Now that mom has died, my older brother keeps making hints that he’d love to move in with us- the basement is perfect and he could “see himself living there”. ugh. I don’t know when I became the family caretaker, but I had to firmly tell my brother that this was NOT going to happen.
Of course he has a one track mind and then brings up the possibility of getting placed in a nursing home near us (he currently lives 3,000 miles away and lives on his own) so we can visit him- like we did when mom was finally placed into a home. He is only 60 years old but has some medical conditions that could become long term problems. I can see this happening in about 10 years, but dear lord, I hope he is one of those people that dies suddenly and does not require any help. Although I “know” this is highly unlikely.
ChuckleDoodle,
If I was n your situation , I’d never let Bro move in with me, but I wouldn’t mind if he was in an ALF nearby. I also would NOT visit more than once a week, nor take him to all medical/dental appointments. Something important, yes.
I see this pattern often in the ALF where I consult. The nieces will come for Thanksgiving but perhaps once a month, in general.
It is different when it is ones own parent, who appreciates what you do for them. My dad spent last 7 months of his life in an ALF. I could pop in for 20 minutes, buy him clothes or food, and work full time. My friends who didn’t work would spend hours visiting daily. I never felt guilty. When he needed more care, I hired an aide with a lovely personality. He didn’t realize she was private, just thought she liked him a lot.
@bookworm - exactly! So far I have told brother that this is not the house we will be living in a few years from now- we will be downsizing when we retire. Reminded him he hates the cold - we live in No VA and he lives in So Cal… and that he is a little young to be thinking that he won’t be able to take care of himself in the next two years.
I did tell him that if push comes to shove, he can live in an ALF near us. We would visit him, but not 3 times a week like we did with mom. That about killed me because I was working full time, taking a full course load for my master’s degree and helping the hubby get through chemo treatments. Of course, most of this will be completed by the time he is ready for ALF, but I’m selfish.
I also wonder why I’m the one that gets to ‘handle’ everything. I really need to work on this codependency problem I have. 
ChuckleDoodle, Telling your brother he can live in an ALF near you if it comes to that and you would visit him occasionally sounds reasonable. I think it may be easier in the long run for you to have him in the same area, rather than trying to handle things long distance.
Sevmom, the funny part is that we both have a sister that lives about 2 hours away from him…she is very good at NOT helping. 
My brother won’t even think about living near her…to her happiness