<p>I have a grave concern about the posts some parents have made. I am thinking specifically of posts to the “moms, wat should i do with my mom?” thread. Though the poster has said her mom is often ill and seems to be hard to reason with suggesting from nothing more than a teenager’s description of her mother’s behavior that the mother is clinically depressed is irresponsible. This forum is a great source of information but we are given narrow glimpses into each others lives. We can track each others posts and get more narrow glimpses but never the true breadth and understanding of each others lives and situations. We don’t truly know if the post we are reading is written by a 14 yo or a 41 yo. A healthy degree of skepticism is always appropriate when reading either a parent’s description of their child or a child’s description of the parent when the 2 disagree. I would hate to think what might happen if CasperLoveUCs were to tell her mom that she didn’t get it because she was clinically depressed. True though it might be a discussion thread is not adequate for diagnostic purposes. </p>
<p>PLease think carefully about what what you say. I have only been coming here for a short time but it is clear that many of the young posters have insufficient support or background at home to guide them through this process. They come here looking for guidance and counsel it is an important responsibility for the parents who choose to participate.</p>
<p>When I respond to a post, I assume that the info given is correct even though I am fully aware that the whole story is not being presented and it is even possible that the entire situation is fiction. I don’t see how any useful response can be given if you have to keep wondering about all of the “what ifs”. However, I find that any of the stories told by kids about their parents are difficult in terms of advice, because when you deal with family situations there are all sorts of complexities involved. I did see that post, and refrained from responding because I do not like to give kids ammunition to throw at their parents. The divisiveness that it can bring to a family can cause more problems than it solves. And I see many posts where the imperfections of the parents have resulted in difficult situations for the kids. What does one say to a kid whose parents have clearly made some mistakes? I think dealing with the facts at hand and not providing judgement is the best way to go. But kids do have to deal with dishonest, off the wall, mixed up parents, and if we can come up with some ideas for them, it might help. It is a touchy issue.</p>
<p>I agree in general but since like all of us I leave with teenage children I have learned that the first story is not always complete or completely accurate even though it doesn’t contain outright lies or misinformation. Everything we write is seen thorugh our own lens and everything we read comes in the same way. I am sure we have all been the evil side of “I hate my mother/father” comments, some of the post may come fom the same place. It’s not that I think, CasperLoveUCs, is not speaking accurately but statements that her mom might be clinically depressed of peri-menopausal seem to be too much for the situation.</p>
<p>What I told Casper was that he needed to just get through. Not fight. Not argue. Say you love her and get through it. What Casper needs to know, is that if what they are saying is true, and mom is reacting in such a difficult way, that there is no point in fighting. She is who she is. Sometimes hearing that is enough to let go of the frustration and to take care of oneself. I never said to say anything to mom about why she was acting that way. I suggested Casper say no matter what he loves her. The discussion than got into the culture aspect of Casper and mom being asian and that her behavior was maybe understandable because of the culture. I disagreed.</p>
<p>Please don’t each take this personally. The statements of clinical depression and prei-menopauses are direct. I do not remember who posted and that is not the point. Just a for instance, you referred to the OP as he while I was imagining a she. I do not recall anything in the posts that would define their gender. My point is that those of us who include “mom” or “dad” within our name need to be careful what we say and that an internet forum is almost never an appropriate place for hypothetical medical diagnosis.</p>
<p>I agree. And your points are good. Sometimes what we can do is give some advice to deal with the given “symptoms” or “behaviors” or “reactions” that have been shared. Often it is saying step back, don’t argue, take care of yourself, talk to other adults that you are close to, and keep studying…many of the posters are wondering how to approach their parents. Or if something is wrong with THEM or if they are bad people because parents are reacting a certain way. All we can do is give reassurance and some simple guidance, like get more information, deal logically, tell your parents you love them even if you disagree…</p>
<p>Thank you for reminding us of our duty as adults.</p>
<p>SR. I completely agree. A medical diagnosis is as inappropriate on “The Apprentice” as it is on CC. Americans have lost the plot on the subject.</p>
<p>But Casper did say her mother was ‘sad’. That is a profound statement in itself. All the parent suggestions could have been made on that basis alone–without the added judgement of mental imbalance.</p>
<p>As happy as I am for the CC kids getting the big merit $$ and the great school choices, I find myself most drawn in by the youngsters who stumble in looking for emotional support. Imagine how low they must be to seek support from CC parents. </p>
<p>Admittedly, CC parents are an unusual group–well-educated, long married, compassionate, tolerant–but my Ss would never in one million years post on CC. Theri support networks are filled with people who love them to bits. These posters don’t have that–or don’t have that at that particular moment.</p>
<p>Also, along the same vein of helpful hints: re-direction works better than direct attack, especially re-direction with humour.</p>
<p>This is what the student wrote:
“Itz getting very serious cuz my mom lately gets sick a lot. She used to be very nice and supportive but now the opposite. Many times she has threatened to die saying that I don’t listen to her”</p>
<p>Some parents responded by suggesting that the mom’s symptom may be due to perimenopause or clinical depression, and it seems like the mother is in need of medical assistance, possibly psychiatric medical assistance.</p>
<p>While I wasn’t one of the people who made such a suggestion, the suggestion makes sense to me. One wouldn’t need to be a therapist to make a similar suggestion if a parent posted that their teen were acting in a similar way.</p>
<p>While no one is qualified to make official diagnoses on the basis of info posted on a message board, it is not insulting or irresponsible for parents to suggest that if it appears that someone has a medical or emotional problem, they should get help or should be encouraged to get medical help The worst that can happen as follow-up is that the person sees a doctor and is told that they are fine.</p>
<p>If no one speaks up about a potential problem like this, though, the worse that can happen is that a young person reached out for help, didn’t get the help they needed and perhaps they or a family member gets into very serious trouble.</p>
<p>I am one of the people who suggested the possibility of clinical depression - along with a clear statement that I’m not a doctor and I couldn’t make a diagnosis - and also suggesting some other possibilities. I think it was the right thing to do - this kid who wants to major in psychology ought to already be familiar with the term - and clinical depression is a serious but very common condition. He also mentioned that his mom distrusts psychologists, so it is very likely that the parent has NOT sought help. By pointing out the possibility, we can help the kid approach and deal with his mom in a more sympathetic way. But more important it might lead to her getting sorely needed help – this is a woman who is threatening to “die” because of disappointment in a child who by all measures is doing well – which means that she may very well be suicidal. The poster also mentioned a significant stressor at home - a younger sister with some sort of mental disability - which also increases the likelihood that this parent is falling apart emotionally – it is very, very difficult to be a caretaker to a disabled child. Depression is a common and very treatable condition. If I were behaving in a manner that manifested sadness and distress and was also out of character for me, I certainly would hope someone would suggest to my 17 year old daughter that I might need outside help. My daughter would know who to go to for further help – such as extended family members or our family doctor. </p>
<p>Of course this kid may be portraying an innacurate picture of his home life – if so, he knows it. I simply don’t think it is fair to treat an almost-college age youngster who comes to adults for help in a patronizing way, as if he is a small child too young to understand such concepts. The alternative explanations to illness, menopause, or depression seem to be either that the parent is selfish & cruel, or that she is Asian and therefore it is to be expected that she would act irrationally… neither of which are fair or appropriate. Certainly if I were a kid in that position, I’d feel better with the realization that my parent might possibly be suffering from an illness that impacts her behavior, than to think that my parent hated me or truly was angry at me for failing to live up to her standards.</p>
<p>SR your point is very well taken. However, in the post at issue, I suspect that parent posters were suggesting that the student was not responsible for her mother’s behavior and perhaps there were some medical causes or at least contributing factors. I wholeheartedly agree with your concerns…there are many students who do not have the support at home and parent posters can be invaluable, but we don’t know what is done with suggestions or theories, nor do we know the whole story. That said, there have been several situations on this board of parents, friends, siblings who at the very least should be encouraged to see a medical or mental health professional and teens don’t always have the life experience to recognize that as a possibility.</p>
<p>I am with SRmom3, and make it a point to make no comments whatever about either a parent or a kid based on anyone’s post. I often refrain entirely from commenting on such posts. We don’t really know anything about either the poster or the person being described - anything.</p>
<p>I try to confine my thoughts to facts of a situation as they are given, and as if a thoughtful discussion were possible between parents and kids in the situation described. I try to not get into any discussion about behaviors, personalities, etc. I do not think that we can take any description of one person by another as necessarily being accurate in any way, and I do think that any comments about what the described behavior might mean are tempting to make, but out of place on an anonymous board.</p>
<p>AS it turned out, the poster has already decided to seek professional help. A relief.</p>
<p>As for the discomfort of posting on those kinds of threads vs. straight college posts…who can be sure of the veracity of either? Not sure discomfort is related to questions of veracity or propriety. This is an advice forum. If you feel you can give anonymous advice about a $160k family investment, then you are probably equipped to give simple guidance or comfort to a kid struggling to make sense of the world.</p>
<p>It is, after all, simply advice. No better than Ann Landers. Take it all with a grain of humour.</p>
<p>SRMom3
I suggested the peri-menospausal possibility - pretty straightforward to refute (Casper’s mom likely too young), and treatable if mom goes to a doctor, which I also suggested. One of the things that I have noticed in the last year and a half is that if you get these kids talking they will come around to a reasonable decision - in this case, seek professional help.</p>
<p>dadofsam … we don’t know anything about parents’ financial situations either, but people on this board seem to have no hesitation at all advising youngsters to opt for their pricey dream school over the state college or the lower-rankeds schools with generous merit awards. It seems to me that if advice on an anonymous board on personal matters is a problem, then the more serious issue is the rather cavalier financial attitude around here – where kids are routinely advised that with their Ivy league degree in hand, they will be making megabucks and their hefty loans will be paid off in no time at all.</p>