Retirement - moving toward your children

Parent Cafe
1

<p>DH and I are thinking about buying retirement property - which leads to a general discussion of where.
He comes from a family where his parents were vaguely estranged from his grandparents, and happily visited only once or twice a year. Grandparents were not strong part of his life. I grew up in a family that was in each other’s pocket. To this day, I am the only person in one side of my extended family to have ever permanently moved more than 50 miles from home.</p>

<p>What I would like for my theoretical grandchildren is a compromise between never seeing them and raising them. I would be willing to relocate to the town where one or more of my kids settles - not to the same street, though ;).</p>

<p>Experiences?</p>

2

<p>I think that how close geographically you move to your adult children matters less than how your expectations of being involved in their lives are perceived by your children and their spouses. My elderly parents recently moved from out of state to be near to where my husband and I live. I am grateful that they are building their own lives with their own friends and activities in the retirement community in which they live. They respect that my family already has a busy life and while we see them on a regular basis, they readily understand if we can’t be with them every time they ask to get together.</p>

3

<p>My husband and I have not lived in our hometown for a very long time. My father-in-law retired early, and they wanted to move to our general area because it was a nice central location for their other children, and it’s a nice place to live. I know it depends on the in laws, but these folks are on the go all them time. In fact, they’ve recently left for their Florida “winter” home and won’t be back for three months. They belong to three dance clubs, as well as at least two other organizations. We would probably see them more if we had to travel to see them for a week’s vacation (lol). On the other hand, it really has been great having them here (when they’re around). I never had to worry about having someone to take the kids for me if my husband I wanted to take a quick trip. The kids enjoyed going to visit them for an impromptu movie, dinner or game night. We also are available to check on their house for them when they’re on an extended trip. As long as the g-parents are able to make their own life, and the kids aren’t demanding childcare and favors all the time, I think it’s a great arrangement.</p>

4

<p>Corona - do they live in the same city - say a 30 minute drive or less?</p>

5

<p>Yes…almost exactly 30 minutes.</p>

6

<p>I agree with Coronax regarding childcare. Here is how I grew up, and it was not the healthiest way to go about it:</p>

<p>When I was growing up I was raised by my grandparents. This allowed my mother to work a full time job. My grandparents got a lot out of it too. In the early years they did this to help out. They did everything from cleaning, all cooking, sewing, etc. They would come for the week and sleep over, but from Friday evening until Sunday evening they went back to their own home (40 minutes away). When they got older, they no longer felt safe in their community. My elderly grandmother was robbed twice, and was roughed up the second time. They ended up moving into our home permanently, and my mother (their D) was able to care for them, since we were older teens and she was no longer working. My grandparents also had a son with a wife and children, but this relationship was strained, so they did not have to think about evenly dividing their time. I enjoyed having my grandparents, but I resented not being raised by my parents. They walked through the door after 7:30pm. The two of them had daily quiet dinners alone (my grandmother cooked for them after she cooked for us, if you can imagine that work load), rather eating family meals. We ate seperately with our grandparents. We went to bed soon after their seperate dinner was finished. My father worked 6days per week, so I really only saw him on Sundays.</p>

7

<p>My parents have generally lived near DH & I. Siblings moved away and visits to the 'rents seem to work best with another sib near by to make the visit more fun. I am definitely looking at where I think my kids are likely to settle in terms of where i want to have retirement years- I loved having my parents nearby when the kids were growing up, they had such fun with the g’rents, and my kids know my parents well and truly benefited from the close relationship.</p>

8

<p>I think an arrangement as Corona describes would be very
good for us. I hope we will be quite active and independent. I would be happy to help some with childcare, especially if that made a big impact on the quality of life for the kids or grandkids. BUT, and this is a big caveat, this isn’t an open-ended commitment, there’s a difference in parents and grandparents.</p>

<p>I mentioned that I was the only person to move away. My Mom, her 88 year old sister, my first cousin (the D of the sister), and my first cousin’s child and her young children all live within a few hundred yards of each other on family land - a pretty common arrangement even today in the rural South.
My first cousin, who is in her early 60s, has almost complete responsibility for the grandchildren. Her D and SIL both work 50 miles away, one on days, one on evenings. They chose to send the kids to a private school which is 14 country miles away - which my cousin has to haul the kids back and forth to, plus she takes them to their activities - limited because they are young. All because their mother didn’t like the local public school when she was in high school.
The relationship seems somewhat abusive to the grandparents, but they really, really wanted the kids to live near them, instead of closer to their jobs in areas with better schools. Financially, it is better for the kids, they get free childcare, and were able to build their house more cheaply - I was also the first person in my family to have a mortgage - can you believe that?</p>

9

<p>I think it can be the ideal situation. My husband and I have always been independent, so his parents didn’t have to worry that we’d suddenly become pests just because they were convenient. Also, we knew his parents would be very active in their community and not puttering around all day waiting for us to call, or, heaven forbid, routinely dropping in on us at the drop of a hat. </p>

<p>Up front, we wanted to be sure they wanted to live HERE and not just close to US. At that time, there was every chance that we might move for a job change, as we had in the past. They took that under consideration, and decided this was someplace they would happily live even without the added perk of nearby grandkids.</p>

10

<p>Two situations immediately come to mind:
A young family moved to a new community where her H had hoped to set up a great medical practice, but without any warning, he died. She stayed put,
raised her two boys through early school years. When her own parents retired and moved to the same community, their family really came together and she had important support. Both boys are doing well; one in college, one nearly so. The parents spent most of the year with her, although they kept a Florida residence, too. Upstate NY was too cold for them 12 months per year.</p>

<p>Another situation: parents moved to be near adult children, but the adults took a new job opportunity across the country. They were upset. They should have had a conference to find out, before moving, whether their kids expected to stay put or move around for their own career needs.</p>

<p>I love the OP’s phrase, “grew up in the pockets” of grandparents. H and I, similarly, but then his career required us to move around and far from both sets. We basically committed ourselves to visiting them every school holiday, no matter what, taking turns between the parents. We’re amazed that, even visitiing just 3 times annually (for a week apiece), they feel a deep bond with their grandparents. So if the parents promote, visit, describe, honor their parents a lot in their homes, the kids can still grow up “knowing” and “caring” about their grandparents who live at a distance.</p>

11

<p>It is always nice to have family nearby. As my wife and I consider retirement, it is clear that may be difficult. Most of us move a lot more frequently than past generations and this is especially true for college-educated young people. My parents had jobs in only 3 different States. My wife and I have had jobs in 6 States. I expect the same trend for my kids. If we try to move to be near them or one of them, then they may be moving again before we get there. There is also an issue of cost. Unless I work to a very advanced age, I cannot afford to retire in a high cost of living area. Kids also need their distance and independence. Sometimes, parents also need to grow up and leave home.</p>

12

<p>We’ve had the “gee where are we going to buy retirement property” discussion in this household too (not that we can even consider it until the kidlets are out of college…). The trouble is that our two kids will likely NOT live anywhere near each other (like on opposite coasts) and the one who lives on the coast we live on is a likely to move around a bit. Also…we simply cannot afford to RETIRE to California…it’s just too expensive (because of course WE would want to live in San Diego or La Jolla or somewhere like that:) . So…we just kee delaying the decision. But I suspect that we’ll be in the Carolinas someday. As long as we’re near a major airport and a major medical center, I think we’ll be fine. I’m hoping our retirement home will draw the kids near to us…at least to visit.</p>

13

<p>I grew up not knowing any of my Mom’ family. Grandparents, Aunts and Uncles were all on the opposite coast. My spouse grew up with both grandparents within miles. Since we met young I had the pleasure of having had a relationship with his grandmothers.
When our first child was young we moved about 45 minutes from one set. They are now the only remaining set. We really don’t see them as much as we thought we would. They lead an active life. My H does see his Dad every week and it is really nice for both of them.
We live in a pretty nice place and doubt we would move. A couple of our kids have expressed an interest in staying nearby but know that is unlikely due to expense. What we have done is invest over the years in some rental property that my H is hoping that one day the kids can live in with their families.</p>

14

<p>We were just discussing this in my family. My one sister and I live in Northern California, where our family was living when we both graduated from high school. We raised our children up here, and my sister’s children are now grown and she has a grandchild that also lives nearby. My parent live in Southern California, where they lived most of their lives except that 6 year stretch when my sister and I were in high school. My younger sister lived in Southern California too, until recently when she moved with her husband to Missouri. My younger brother and his family are still in Southern California, but he has the youngest children, and the least amount of time. Apparently, my younger sister and her husband were the ones helping them out a ton. So, do my parents stay in Southern California where they have some friends, and one child with a very busy family? Or do they move up to be closer to their two daughters, who kids are grown or almost grown and have a bit more time?</p>

15

<p>My H and I have no plans to move for retirement. There’s no way to tell where our Ds will be by that time, and one has already settled close to us (she and her fiance have bought a home and will marry this summer). We have been established in this community for close to 25 years (with the exception of a couple of years here and there for job excursions). We have a close circle of longtime friends, involvement in community and volunteer service, and love it here. I can’t imagine moving somewhere new and losing all of that to start over. It’s unlikely that all 4 Ds would be in one single location anyway.</p>

<p>We raised our kids far from either family, and although it wasn’t always easy, especially when they were young, there were distinct benefits, as well. Our girls have a very close relationship with my parents (3 hours away) and see them probably 10 times a year for 4 or 5 days. When they were younger, it was more often. There were times when I wished that we all lived closer but we made the effort to establish close relationships, and it has worked.</p>

16

<p>I work at a senior center and see the issue of moving closer to one’s children frequently - unfortunately, often when the seniors have reached a point when they need significant help, and there’s little choice involved. It’s smart to think about this early (and I wouldn’t expect anything other than smart from CCers :slight_smile: ), when you still have real options.</p>

<p>Simply living closer to a child doesn’t necessarily address the senior’s every need. If the senior cannot drive and the child is at work every day (or possibly dealing with his/her own health issues, as middle-aged folks sometimes have to do), running important errands is a challenge, and getting to medical appointments is a big challenge. Transportation is a major expense for seniors who don’t drive, and, where I live, there are few low-cost alternatives to taxis or the even-more-expensive medical transport. There’s a volunteer group that provides rides to physician appointments only, but there aren’t enough drivers for everyone in need, and the group doesn’t cover physical therapy or radiation treatments. </p>

<p>Another issue is the challenge of starting all over again in a new community, and the sadness the senior feels at leaving old friends and a beloved church or community group behind. I’ve seen an extreme example of this at my center: a woman in her mid-90s was moved from her home in Scotland to New York by her son, who was concerned about living so far from his mother. Very responsible of him, of course, but she’s been so unhappy for the past 5 years (yes, she’s 100 now). I think she’d have died of a broken heart if some of our seniors hadn’t taken her under their wings and made a mission of including her in their lives. This woman would rather have lived in Scotland until the end than with her son here (things haven’t gone well with the daughter-in-law, either).</p>

<p>And once the senior moves to be closer to a child, he/she may well have to move again - no one’s employment situation is 100 percent secure nowadays.</p>

<p>The major issue, I think, in relocating for your senior years is “Where will I be able to remain independent and in control of my own situation as long as possible?” It’s wonderful to have the help of one’s children - but that may create a situation in which the senior is unhappy with his lack of choices. I suggest thinking, “Where would it be best to live once I can’t drive anymore, when I’m concerned about not outliving my money, and when I’ll probably have significant health issues?” For some, that may be in a city with good public transportation and access to doctors - or perhaps in a college town. In our town, the best bet is a senior apartment complex on a bus line, in easy walking distance of the library, drugstore, and senior center. There’s a waiting list for those apartments, of course.</p>

<p>One more thing - life as a senior is just better if one still has some financial resources. We haven’t sacrificed saving for our retirement to pay for college, and it’s one of the few things I know I’ve done right.</p>