<p>I’m assuming cons is a customer of ancestry.com which is why she was able to communicate with cons.</p>
<p>zoosermom,
I reread your post 3 times and still can’t believe my eyes. You had an aunt who SOLD her 3 children??</p>
<p>
Yep. She became pregnant out of wedlock three times and gave the babies for adoption for large sums of money. Which would be fine, but what she did was give custody to the adoptive parents but refuse to sign off on the legal documents for a long period of time to get more money. (In her defense, she was significantly brain damaged in an accident in her late teens and had no parents or other support. Since she looked normal (very attractive, in fact) she had no trouble getting pregnant and it made total sense to her that the children were commodities.</p>
<p>I have been thinking a lot about this thread. My first reaction was the same as most people’s – of course you give the information, everyone will be interested, any scandal is the product of a bygone age and water under the bridge, etc.</p>
<p>Then I was thinking about a friend who, when we were in law school together, learned for the first time that his father was essentially a bigamist, and had maintained a separate side family with three children for many years, in addition to his official seven-child family. My friend – basically a sweet guy, with a strong sense of morality more or less whipped into him by none other than his father – was beyond furious at his father. He had no interest in his newly-discovered half-siblings, and opposed any acknowledgement of them. That was 30 years ago, but I saw him a few months ago, and I wouldn’t have had the stones even to ask him about this issue. </p>
<p>I am certain that as long as he is alive none of his children will be having any meaningful involvement with that set of their cousins. His father died long ago – most of his kids never even met that grandfather – but I bet the hurt still lingers. And he was lucky – out of the house, mid-20s, on his second graduate degree when the situation became known. He wasn’t directly affected, except for his anger. Some of his younger siblings were seriously, seriously screwed up, and have had some really negative elements in their lives long-term.</p>
<p>When my grandmother was 16 years old, she got married, and a year later, she had a child. But she and her husband did not get along. They got a divorce (in 1909!), and my grandmother gave up custody of her son, who was raised by her ex-husband’s parents. </p>
<p>More than ten years later, my grandmother married again and had another child – my mother. My grandmother’s first marriage and first child were closely guarded family secrets. I’m not even sure that her second husband knew (although her daughter – my mother – found out at some point). In my grandmother’s generation, divorce was shocking, and having given up custody of a child was worse. My grandmother would have been horrified if she had ever known that I learned her secret when I was about 14. (My mother shared it with me one night when she had had one too many Scotch-and-sodas.) </p>
<p>But I wasn’t horrified; I was fascinated. It was interesting to learn that my grandmother’s life was far more complicated than I had ever realized. </p>
<p>I have no cousins that I know of. But it is entirely possible that I might have first cousins (technically, half-first cousins) that I know nothing about. And it’s possible that my children might have second cousins that they know nothing about. If any of those people somehow located and contacted me, I would not mind. I might be wary of a possible scam, but that’s all. And I would certainly tell my children (who are 26 and 22), although I would leave it up to my children whether to get in contact with the cousin. (My son would; my daughter might not.)</p>
<p>The scandals of previous generations are the fascinating family history stories of today. And I think most 22-year-olds would not be shocked to discover that the lives of people of previous generations were complicated and messy. I could handle such news at 14; I think it would be no problem for someone almost a decade older.</p>
<p>It’s different if it’s your parents. I can see why JHS’s friend was so upset by the situation in his family. But if it’s your grandparent or great-grandparent who did something unusual or scandalous, that’s different. It’s more distant and less personal.</p>
<p>I see a slightly different perspective: develop the relationship with the Ancestry relative first, see how it goes, what interests she has, as time passes (whether that’s a few months of correspondence or longer.) When you are then on this footing with her, decide together.</p>
<p>Everyone often talks of the excitement of discovering a lost link- doesn’t mean everyone is ready for the surprise at the same time or on the same terms. So, you be the middleman/woman, until the time is right. Some in your family may not want private or personal details revealed too closely, before it’s their decision (names, divorces, careers,) so, unless this newfound lady has already discovered to that level, I’d be respectful of my known relatives’ private specifics.</p>
<p>My mom took up a genealogy hobby about 25 years ago and has become quite an expert. Mom has uncovered plenty of children born out of wedlock, secret adoptions, etc. in our extended family tree, and tells me that according to genealogists, this sort of thing is far more common than most contemporary people tend to imagine. So consolation, I’d urge you not to feel too weird about the situation in your family. It’s not nearly as unusual as you’re probably feeling.</p>
<p>That said, I’m in favor of the honesty-with-sensitivity approach, since the original principals in the drama are no longer alive to be hurt by having their secrets revealed. In my mom’s experience, most people (although not all) are pleased rather than upset to discover they have unexpected relatives.</p>
<p>There was no child involved, but my good friend has a sister who went through a divorce, and in a low moment, to comfort her, her dad told her that he had been married and divorced before his marriage to her mom. Nobody knew this. He had told their mom before their marriage, but apparently did not tell the 3rd wife he had later in life. Their mom went to her grave without telling anyone. I don’t know if I could do that.</p>
<p>Did anyone read Megan Smolynak’s recent book? What a story. She she described using DNA testing to confirm a cousin relationship - only to find that this cousin was actually a half-cousin, meaning that her Dad and his brother were really half brothers. Or to put it as she did, “Grandma stepped out”. Nobody knew, but nowadays, with cooperative testing, nobody can hide such things. She did tell her father, who accepted the info well, and even thought it helped to explain some differences between the half-brothers.</p>