<p>Recently, I was contacted via ancestry.com by a person who said that she thought my deceased half-great-aunt was her father’s mother. She said she understood that this might be a touchy subject, but she wanted to find out about her roots, if possible. Her father had always been curious about his birth mother, but had not done anything to look into it out of respect for his parents. Both he and his parents are now deceased.</p>
<p>At first I thought she must be mistaken, since I knew my great aunt’s only child well (she was only about 4 years older than me). But she provided me with further information, including details from her father’s birth certificate and adoption papers, which makes it clear that indeed, her father was born out of wedlock to my aunt and given up for adoption. (Unless she is fabricating her story, which seems highly unlikely.) As it happens, my cousin (who would have been her father’s half sister) is also deceased, although she is survived by her husband and her only child, who is now 22.</p>
<p>I told my mother about all of this, and she feels strongly that I should NOT tell anyone about it. She thinks that it was the private business of my late aunt. I think that my cousin’s daughter might be interested to know that she has a first cousin, especially since she is an only child. (I know that I would want to know.) I tend to think that she has a right to know. There is another cousin whom I could consult, who was a contemporary of my late cousin, and very fond of her. He is a lawyer in Ireland. The rest of the cast of characters cited above are in England.</p>
<p>Personally, I think they have a right to know about family. I have a very small family and I know for a fact that I have two cousins my age close geographically to me but I don’t know who they are because I’m not supposed to know they exist. It makes me furious that I can’t know parts of my family because of the fact that they were the result of an affair. The right to know about family trumps any long dead secret imo. It would be different if the woman (great aunt) was still alive.</p>
<p>I think I would tell your cousin’s daughter. The “scandal” involves her deceased grandmother, not her parents–I think finding an unknown first cousin would outweigh it.</p>
<p>It seems this birth/ adoption happened years ago…past history…so I say tell the family about what you have discovered. This is exciting news, not devastating news!
The Internet has made this a different world. You cannot hide from your past, and not telling this story does not make it go away.
At our house there is always room for one more at the table.</p>
<p>The great aunt is deceased. I’m assuming your grandfather and any of her other siblings are also deceased? Both of her children (your cousin and the one who was given up for adoption) are also deceased. Presumably the father of the adopted child is deceased. It would seem that there is no one alive who will be hurt or potentially hurt by this knowledge. As someone who has, since age 40 or so, taken an interest in our family genealogies, I don’t see the harm in telling the 22-year-old. </p>
<p>She may or may not be interested at this time in her life. If you feel that the information is valid and not some potential scam, I would document everything as best you can so that she can have it now or later if she takes an interest. I would not make some huge deal about it when bringing it to her attention. If you have reason to be in contact with them, I would be like “oh, strange thing, someone contacted me on ancestry and yada, yada…”</p>
<p>My questions: Does this person want anything (monetary) from your family? Or does this person want medical/historical information? The latter is harmless and possibly helpful/life saving. As for any “stigma” that was gone years ago.</p>
<p>I would contact the lawyer in Ireland. He or she may know something about the circumstances of the birth/relationship/conception of the child that should or should not be told.</p>
<p>I will say that we have recently recontacted (we are separated by miles and a strained grandparent relationship) with family. It was wild: we knew some of the same stories, with different twists, but the food thing (we were 5 at the table)…two girls ordered the same snack: caesar salad and mashed potatoes…the clothing thing …two people wore virtually the same outfit…and the physical resemblance…just weird.</p>
<p>Considering your great-aunt and her children are all deceased now, I think you should tell the family about the contact and leave it up to them to decide how or whether they wish to respond.</p>
<p>I say let the daughter know, too. 2 similar situations in my family:</p>
<p>My mother’s sister (deceased) has a daughter in her mid 40s. We grew up together, although we aren’t close now. My aunt had three children before she married my cousin’s father and had her. She sold those children and my mother and older sister knew the families they were sold to (they are younger than my sister) and know the names of at least two of them in the present because we all still live in the same community. I’ve always thought my cousin should know, but nobody agrees with me. The most aggressive secret-keeper is my cousin’s half-sister from her father’s first marriage. She becomes almost violent if the subject comes up even by accident.</p>
<p>Second situation is my grandfather. He was placed for adoption with his sister when they were toddlers (not twins). She was adopted, he wasn’t and he went to the grave having spent more than $100,000 trying to find the sister. There are people who knew who she was but would never tell him or his kids.</p>
<p>Since your great aunt can’t be hurt anymore, it would be a kindness to the other person to at least have some information.</p>
<p>I don’t see the issue: you have a living person who may be a close relative to other relatives of yours. This person wants to know her history - ancestry, medical, whatever - because that is presumably of some benefit to her. The living relatives of yours lose what by being told? Nothing. They can then do what they want.</p>
<p>I’m curious - did your mom know about any of this before this contact?</p>
<p>In any case, definitely share with the Ancestry person and the 22 year old. You will make them happy with the knowledge. You could ask them to be discrete about telling your mom that you confirmed the parentage, and you could just keep this from your mom if you think it would case a huge rift. But even if she found out, the knowledge would cause more pleasure than pain, I think.</p>
<p>I sometimes wonder just how many people in the world there are who do not know their true parentage. Adoptees know that there are mysteries, but I wonder how many people assume that X is their parent when it’s really Y?</p>
<p>We have a similar situation, and I reached out through Ancestry.com email to the family member on that side that was involved in genealogy. Genealogy devotees typically LOVE these kinds of contact. She very generously shared some information – an elderly great aunt and uncle didn’t want direct contact, but did provide some very helpful information through her. </p>
<p>Other contacts from “lost” elements of the family have been much more interested in sharing much more information, but I completely respect that there are still some tender feelings in some of the older folks. Personally, it helped answer some long-nagging questions my grandmother never wanted to mention.</p>
<p>I was reunited with my birth family through posts on adoption websites, and it has brought such joy to my life. But a bigger benefit has been to be able to write down family medical information. For that reason alone, I would urge you to either do a little digging on her behalf or connect her to those relatives that might be able to give her a better sense of who she came from. </p>
<p>People can choose how much contact that they wish to have. While I am close to my brothers, I have little contact with my biological mother and have not reached out at all to the other relatives. My sister had a cordial visit with her birth family, got as much medical information as she could then kept the contact to polite Christmas cards. But that is a choice that can be made between the parties.</p>
<p>My mother seems to think that the 22 yr old might be upset in some way. I don’t see why. I am fairly sure that my deceased cousin would have been delighted to find out that she had a half brother, especially after her parents died.</p>
<p>There are two things holding me back. Firstly, the fact that I told my mother, she objects, and I promised I would not go off and tell everyone. (I almost wish I hadn’t told her.) Secondly, although I knew my cousin well, I’ve only met her daughter once, when she was about 9. (She and my S were born within a month of each other.)</p>
<p>I do not at this point know the name of the new found cousin, or whether she wants to meet or correspond with her cousin. I’m thinking that I should email the new found cousin and find out what her name is, if she is willing to tell me. Then I could put the information in the hands of the girl’s father, and let him tell her. After all, she’s only 22, and he might feel I was being presumptuous to not go through him first.</p>
<p>If the person who contacted you did NOT want any money or monetary value but is just curious about relatives, it does seem good to share her information and allow the cousin to decide whether or not to pursue it. We have in-laws that have VERY FEW relatives (their mom was an only child, SIL had no kids & is deceased & we have only two kids). </p>
<p>I have a first cousin whose mom was adopted–it was well known in the family who adopted her. First cousin and I were fairly close friends as our kids were similar ages and played together. The first cousin was constantly making remarks to me about the medical history of the extended family who adopted her mom, in trying to assess her medical risks. I finally asked her (she must have been in her 40s or older), you do realize that the medical risks of the extended family are irrelevant to you & your sibblings and mother, don’t you? She was taken aback as she was NEVER told that her mom was adopted!</p>
<p>I went to a lovely HS graduation party. The adoptive parents were so very inclusive. They included in the party they threw for their D (the graduate)–the birth grandparents and birth father (whom they had fought for custody spending over $10,000 in legal fees when the child was a toddler). I thought it was wonderful that they included those family members in the event–the graduate was radiant and thrilled to have so many of the important people in her life present for the happy event, without making her choose and letting bygones be bygones.</p>
<p>Medical information and risk factors are very good things to know about, especially as the 22 year old may decide to start a family at some date & it is good to know what is and is NOT a genetic risk factor for her.</p>
<p>I agree that it would be good to contact whomever reached out to you, get their entire name & contact information & then you can decide what best to do with that information. Since you’ve already shared the info with your mom, I’d ask her more about why the info shouldn’t be shared–on a basis of med info alone, it is quite valuable.</p>
<p>I think your mother’s reaction is the reaction of an older person who probably feels that there’s a scandal here–the fact that nobody here is saying that may just mean that we are all younger than your mother.</p>
<p>It seems to me that the girl is 22 (an adult), and the surviving parent isn’t the one who’s relative this is–so I think you should tell her without going through him first. Or tell both at the same time.</p>
<p>Consolation - I was the “reacher out” in a circumstance 20 years ago. Long story short, I was the child of a brief first marriage - my parents divorced, bio dad remarried and had two children, my mom remarried and stepdad adopted me - many years later, as an adult, I went searching for bio dad (not knowing that he had died in the interim) and found my half-sister and half-brother, who had never been told that their dad had been married before / had a child. (And I wasn’t “scandalous” or out-of-wedlock. I was from of a fully legit marriage, born 12 months after the wedding, blah blah.) </p>
<p>My half-sister was 18 and half-brother 21 (I was 27) when I sort of popped up on their doorstep inquiring about our mutual father. They were able to handle it and we have a nice relationship now.</p>
<p>I strongly believe you should tell them, and let them all deal with the information. Secrets like this are very bad things.</p>
<p>I think that it is not a big deal as your mother thinks it is. Very generational is her thinking and I strongly also agree that you should tell.</p>