Review what I have so far? (not a long read, I promise)

College Essays
1

<p>My UC personal statement’s is due tomorrow for English. So far I have the first paragraph of the first prompt written. Still a long way to go though.</p>

<p>Prompt: Describe the world you come from — for example, your family, community or school — and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.</p>

<p>I’m taking a risk, but since more people seem to reply when there’s no PMing involved, I’m just going to paste it here:</p>

<p>The garage door rumbles. It’s 8 PM. Dad’s home. He enters, work clothes in one arm, a bag of empty food containers with in the other. The floor’s creak from his tired footsteps prompts me to turn around from the computer screen and smile at him. Dad goes up the stairs to change into the large “Thank you for volunteering!” shirt I received from a marathon and the sweatpants my uncle gave to him for a Christmas ten years past. I pause my typing as I remember those pink, worn out eyes. Then I continue punching in numbers for the calculus mentor to evaluate.</p>

<p>Tell me whether or not I’m going the right direction with this. It’s a cliche topic, I know, but honestly, my family has influenced me more than anything.</p>

2

<p>Edited slightly:</p>

<p>*A red line appears under my name. I “ignore” the word processor’s detection. Suddenly there’s rumbling. Not my stomach, I just had rice. Oh, it’s the garage door. I glance at the right corner of my monitor. It’s 8 PM. Dad’s home. </p>

<p>He enters, work clothes in one arm, a bag of empty food containers in the other. The floor’s creak from his tired footsteps prompts me to turn around and smile at him. Dad goes up the stairs to change into the large “Thank you for volunteering!” shirt I received from a marathon and the sweatpants my uncle gave to him for a Christmas ten years past. I pause my typing as I remember those pink, worn out eyes. Then I continue my essay.*</p>