So it’s decision season! But, unlike the vast majority of high school seniors across the world, I’m not racing to open my emails. I’ve reached an odd point, and I feel like taking the time now to write this all down and organize a huge assortment of abstract thoughts into something a little more concrete. Feel free to skim it or read thoroughly, love it or denounce this opinionated anonymous face on the internet. For the time being, I have not checked most, but based on lack of communication, I’m assuming decisions were likely not in favor. Here goes.
I’m not a frequent poster on CC by any means. Instead I’ve tried to distance myself as far as possible from the college mania and have browsed the forums from time to time. And I’m definitely not claiming to be some one “enlightened” individual either, I’m just a bit irritated. I’ll vent.
To just say “I despise grades” would miss the point. That is true to an extent, but then again I of course recognize why they’re used: numerical summaries of our subjects are far easier to look at and to let both teachers and students identify strong and weak areas. As I’ve often said to my parents, especially in college admissions, of course you can’t give everyone the benefit of the doubt. Who could say no then? And to whom? Everyone would be proclaiming their ingenuity and academic potential regardless of what is truthfully fairly accurate testing. Numbers – grades, ACT scores, AP scores, etc. – display your academic progress (or lack thereof) in the most accessible ways.
But this is what I don’t like. I’ve come to absolutely loath the fact that people are so number-centric. I’m honestly disgusted by the chance forums and comparisons. I thought basically any high-schooler would find something such as “well, I scored 100 points better on the SAT” and “but her GPA is 0.13 lower” just as ridiculous as I do; but based on the mentalities I see at my school, I was wrong, and it’s kinda saddening. Let me say again just real quick that I’m not just shouting at my computer screen, enraged because my scores didn’t live up to some vision I had of myself. I have the scores and the classes, etc. I’m just a bit irked when passion is overlooked, and feigned interest appears to go further.
The best way to describe this would be during my junior year. WOW that was over a year ago! But anyways, that year I had opted to take two additional courses, one being chemistry (yes ap but I’m tired of the shape the capital letters make), and why no one alerted me to the obvious error this was I can only guess. So along came the inevitable time when I was burnt out, around November or so. It was at that time that the days seemed to blend together, depression got worse, ocd/anxiety went off the charts; naturally what followed was sleep deprivation and weight loss, and combined with a family crisis, this was a very unfortunate number of issues, yet none of which are quite the best topic to bring up at school. (I have gotten therapy since then, thankfully) It was then in the pit of despair that I got to dissecting the most common aspects of life, and because I spent nearly all that time at school, much of my irritation revolved around that.
I liked to ponder what would happen if I took a generally well-read student from a few centuries ago and transplanted them into our school systems now. I thought that that person would likely be appalled at how shallow pursuits of knowledge were, how we were not driven by a desire to understand the way of things but rather to output what was generally accepted as “intelligent.” But then historical accuracy kicked in and I realized that the elite back then were probably even more stuck-up and pretentious than we are today when it came to something scholarly. Still, though, does this not still shed light on the problem anyways? What are we as high school students in pursuit of? The sad answer would be the diploma that will LET you do what you want afterwards. Weak, sorry. The smart answer would be knowledge. The smarter and disappointing hard truth answer would be the data/numbers that support that knowledge. The smartest and more morally correct answer would hopefully be honing a desire to understand the realities we face from many different yet related approaches.
It struck me how much we as students must take for granted. I recently told a friend this as we were out at night, talking about constellations. Nowadays, you’re laughed at for not knowing that the Earth is (basically) spherical, for one, and that it is the third planet from the sun. “Gravity” is a word thrown around and considered one of the most basic physics phenomena. There just so happen to be a number of “elements” on the periodic table, and the reactions of each are set and true. The fact that we use base 10 seems overlooked as well. Why not base 12? Or base pi? Or base i? Why English now and not Latin? Or Chinese? Esperanto? Why is music overwhelmingly in 4/4 time and not something strange and not an unusually subdivided 11/8? Who decided these things? Are these fundamental universal truths (probs not), or simply our human way of understanding what is innately too complex for us to wrap our minds around entirely (probs)? What is then seen as being the most “intellectual” is absorption and recitation of as many of these things that I fear (hopefully I’m wrong) many people accept as fact without much question. But then it seems a bit silly to doubt the legitimacy of those claims as well; Well, of course those statements are going to be correct (or damn close), millennia of people have crafted them! I am not doubting any of these things, rather I am humbly confident that I would never have thought of any of these things myself. That we simply learn, for example, 8 ways to prove infinite series convergence in a day seems to gloss over and neglect the immense effort and time that was spent to bring such things into existence. It feels negligent. What were those mathematicians engaged in at the same time? What was their story? Were they kind people? Nuisances? Parents? Etc.
I’ve no doubt gone off the deep end. So the big question: how does this relate to admissions? Unfortunately it feels like so much rests on one’s ability to simply file away item after item (“item” being an intentionally dull term); woe be unto her/him who carries a very present passion about it ALL. To know not only the facts seems nearly a futile effort. NEARLY.
As to the “rewards” aspect. I recognize it’s a little bit vague of a term, but I feel it represents the frustration that comes with having been told that things would work out, interests would pay off, and all would be sound. But there is no perfection; life has friction, and my coefficient feels elevated at the moment. It seems horribly selfish and it pains me to type, but I must be totally honest. I AM left irritated when there are many people I know who are presented fantastic college options whereas I know I exceeded them in testing, rigor, etc. Who wouldn’t? – Options that I fear I will not have because I have spent too much time breaking apart and analyzing the mundane. If those aspects–numbers–are what are rewarded with the prospect of a satisfying and and highly engaging college atmosphere, then I do feel a bit wronged. But if it is in fact not that, but something else, “passion” and “commitment” that also hold weight, then I also feel slighted in that regard too. Perhaps I know myself a little too well. Maybe once I’ve written all of this, the stars will align in my favor.
Alright. This has been a load of stuff to write, and is quite pessimistic, but it is the product of frustration, disappointment, and stress, and hopefully not only to my benefit. Please comment, pm, anything you wish, I’d love to talk about it. Time for some homework.