<p>I am a lucky person! I have cultivated positive relationships with my family and my in-laws, even tho at times it would have been easier to have nothing to do with some of them (my family & his). It has borne fruit and my kids know they are loved by everyone, which makes everything worthwhile. The “Golden Rule,” where you treat people as you want to be treated is still a great guiding principle rather than “he who hold the gold rules,” which is the alternative that I have heard tossed about.</p>
<p>One thing that really helps us is selective deafness and avoidance–when we’ve had or seen too much of anyone in particular, just give the relationship some time and distance and it eventually works out OK and rights itself, at least of me/us. We much rather to that than say or do anything that we could later regret.</p>
<p>The side benefit is that our children are wonderfully accepting and tolerant of many different folks and have a fascinating group of great friends. They are also great favorites of both families since they genuinely care about everyone and have *very rarely * ever heard a cross word about their relatives from us.</p>
<p>I, too, am a very lucky person. My MIL was great…although it took me a while to figure out just how great she was. I was a southern small(ish) town Church-going girl. My DH was a New York…Catholic…Italian. Things could have been bad in oh so many ways! I couldn’t cook…at…all…not…even…a…teensy…bit. She prided herself on her from scratch Italian meals. My DH was the only son and the baby of the family. </p>
<p>First, we had to hurdle the wedding problems. My DH chose to not have priest, so we were married in my old church in Va. She understood that her son had chosen the non-catholic stance and didn’t blame that on me. Next was the reception “What…no alcohol at the reception”? So, she invited the entire wedding, my half included back to the hotel after the reception for an open bar on them. I thought that was a great idea and everyone was happy(some way more than others).</p>
<p>Next, she treated me like a daughter…she already had two daughters so this was not a stretch for her. At, first I thought this was kind of annoying. After all what 23 year old wants another Mother telling her what to do. But, she didn’t fuss too much at any of us when we didn’t always follow her advise. And, she never (at least for very long) said, “I told you so”. </p>
<p>And then…she taught me to cook. I learned so much by watching her. She never made me feel stupid or incapable even when my meal didn’t turn out as planned. She had a different menu almost every time we went there so I could learn. She would pour wine and we (my DH, me, MIL and FIL and sometimes SIL) would sit in the kitchen and drink and watch her cook. Great times!</p>
<p>Finally, she asked me (when we announced that we were going to have a baby) what religion the baby would be. I, having learned a lot from her in those 4 years, told her that the baby would probably be my religion. But, if my DH felt strongly he could take the baby to the catholic church and raise it catholic. My MIL patted my arm and said, “your religion will be fine…just make sure you baptize the baby and take it every week”. We now have our kids in a small Catholic high school and I know she is giggling at me in Heaven!</p>
<p>I loved her! I miss her an awful lot. I learned so much from her. She’s been gone for 17 years because of breast cancer. She saw our first son and left us 4 weeks before my DD17 was born. I hope to be as good a MIL as she was!</p>
<p>Wow…just change the religions (I’m Jewish, husband was raised Epsicopalian because it was far more chic than Jewish or Catholic…their religions) and the attitude toward cooking…I couldn’t cook, she sort of could (reviled me because I wasn’t taught the basics of cooking.) And change the attitude of love and acceptance to hate and undermining and you have us. Oh…and as for religion, my inlaws accused me of having my husband secretly converted (he didn’t) and wouldn’t come to a daughters Bat Mitzvah because “that is a conspiracy by Jewish caterers to make more money.” (Elders of Zion anyone?)…and you have the reason why I don’t care. But what I have learned…</p>