Right to see grades/records........

Parent Cafe
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<p>Somewhat off topic, but with the new laws on the security of health records, you might want to think about having your adult (but unmarried) children sign a medical power of attorney naming you as having the ability to make medical decisions for them when they are unable to. It is relatively straightforward to do (providing your daughter or son is willing).</p>

<p>Regarding the grades, its an interesting statement of independence, isn’t it? … to say that she and ‘her friends’ are not doing this. It seems like more of a separation issue for her than independence. Maybe this isn’t a battle worth fighting. Rather, you could tell her that you enjoy celebrating her successes with her and leave it to her to choose what to share. You could discuss the content of her classes and not her performance in them.</p>

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<p>We went it at in a slightly different way with DS. He didn’t have a full-tuition ride, but had a little more than half tuition, so our financial investment was <em>somewhat</em> similar to the OPs. </p>

<p>For grades, academic information: I showed him the waiver to allow us access. Used a little humor. Told him it was totally up to him whether to give us access. Of course, it was totally up to us whether to keep on keeping on with the R&B and balance of tuition payments. :wink: He more than willingly signed. He’s kind of like berurah’s kid; likes to have me be able to check on grades at end-of-term, log into his schedule online or whatever if he’s away from his computer and has a question. Likes to brainstorm sometimes what electives might be interesting, so has us look at course descriptions that fit his schedule.</p>

<p>We don’t have minimum grade expectations - when he had the merit $$, he only needed to keep to that minimum, which he exceeded by a mile. Now that he is at a different school, no merit $$ and MUCH more grade deflated, he gets the occasional grade which disappoints him. We celebrate those “disappointing” grades, because he has worked very very very hard for them. That is our sole criterion. </p>

<p>I have a feeling that the OP would be just the same way. What I think is going on here blucroo is your D is at one of those moments when she really, really really wants to feel like an adult. And know that you feel that way to. And this is a symbolic element for her. If you can realize that (assuming I am correct), you might leave it alone for a bit; find a way(s) to let her know that you definitely see her as the adult she is, who has earned your respect. Then you might revisit it.</p>

<p>For the health waiver, I encouraged him to sign it, so that we could talk with health professionals in an emergency situation. BUT… I wanted him to know that he absolutely had the right to revoke that permission if he <em>ever</em> felt any need AT ALL to consult a mental or physical health professional for something he wanted kept private.</p>

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<p>Every semester we get a letter with his grades. I don’t remember whether he signed the consent form or it is the school’s policy, i.e. they expect us to be partners in his education.</p>

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<p>I don’t know if I’d use the word “unreasonable”, but perhaps undermining. If she is doing well, then expecting to monitor her progress seems to be sending a message of distrust which is unwarranted.</p>

<p>I find the bill paying argument that some posters make to be really overbearing. I hope i will never use money to control my kids. As far as the bills being sent home–bills normally go out in the student’s name first, but they can then denote someone to be the “bill payer.” (Even back when I was in school, the bills came in my name, not my Mom’s. ) Even though I am paying, it’s because I freely choose to, not so I can micromanage my kid’s life. The money is a gift, not an investment. Any returns on it are his, not mine.</p>

<p>FWIW, my S has given me the password to his student accounts, but if at any time he chooses to change it or asks me to not look at something, I won’t. It is his college career, not mine. He has had some very rocky times–last fall is a semester that will change what his choices are in the future, but I trust that his successes and problems all happen within a sincere attempt by him to do his best, even if in particular circumstances he falters, and i also trust that he will be open to my H and I about problems. </p>

<p>Overall, I think that in an atmosphere of trust, demanding the signature is unnecessary, and lacking an atmosphere of trust, the signature is a bandaid.</p>

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<p>I think as parents we all have a “vested interest” in how our kids are doing in college, whether we’re footing the bills or not. I don’t think that that necessarily means that we have the right to access their personal information at will. The issue seems to be one of communication and if you’ve established a good relationship with your kids before they go off to college, you shouldn’t have a problem. We’ve been through three so far, one to go!, and have never had access to their online college system. All of them have let us know their grades, without being asked, as soon as they’re available. Are there really kids who do not tell their parents their grades? </p>

<p>I guess I’m just wondering what kind of problem parents are anticipating if they don’t see the grades. That the kid is failing? That they’re not keeping up a certain gpa? This seems like a trust issue, and one that probably should have been addressed long before they leave for college. Open communication with your kids should enable you to know what’s going on with classes and grades long before the final grades come out. Letting you know what assignments or papers they’re working on, what presentations are coming up, during the course of phone conversations are a good way to, at a later date, be able to ask how things went, if the paper has been returned, how they did. Maybe my kids are just chatty, but they’ve always discussed their classes with me. I have to admit that I often have difficulty keeping the papers, shows, profs, etc. straight, and occasionally have to ask (much to their annoyance) for them to remind me which one they’re talking about!</p>

<p>I think if a kid who has not presented any particular problems is hesitant to grant access to her parents, I would definitely respect that. Ultimately, the college years are going to be a successful (or not!) experience based on how the student handles them. Yes, they’re still young, but they are adults and, as difficult as it sometimes is, we have to respect that fact and let go of the control. :)</p>

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<p>I don’t remember ever seeing a waiver, but I guess it must have been in the packet somewhere. Anyway, my D and I never discussed it, and she never offered me access during the first year. It kind of bothered me not to see the results in black and white, but I survived on what she volunteered and did not bug her for access. Finally at the end of the year she called me from the airport and gave me the id and password totally out of the blue because she wanted me to check a grade for her. So I checked the grade and checked out the site. It really was not too exciting–just accounting records, financial aid info and final grades–no blow by blow, test by test or paper by paper, like high school. And what was on there was exactly what she had told me. I guess my point is that if you trust her, as it sounds like you do, maybe it is not worth a battle. You may end up with the info as I did, once she realizes it is not really that “confidential.”</p>

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<p>This is a tough area in general. When our kids entered college, I expected no problems. Both were high achievers, good high school standing, no real issues whatsoever.</p>

<p>Initially, we discussed them signing the FAFSA release allowing us access if necessary, but made it their choice. Each declined to sign.</p>

<p>Fast forward a year or two. Son (eldest) got involved in a situation where he lost on campus living privileges, and the only way I found out was when I got the tuition bill for the next semester and called the school questioning the missing housing. I had to scramble to get him a place to live at the eleventh hour, and had to involve myself far more than I ever anticipated sorting out a few academic issues.</p>

<p>My daughter also did her own “stoopid thing”, requiring her missing more than a few classes over an extended period. My concern with her was being able to advise the appropriate administrators and the ability to monitor her progress to allow her to complete her last semester or to allow her to withdraw at the last possible moment if she could not complete her academic requirements.</p>

<p>Both kids were at private colleges of their choice, in majors they chose, at significant annual cost. We as parents funded the bulk of their education through personal funds and loans. As we assumed the financial responsibility, we held the “right” in our opinion to be able to ask about their progress and accomplishments, not be in their underwear.</p>

<p>When push came to shove, it was either sign the release, or we withdraw our funding, and they could pursue their educations at their expense. I had no intent of throwing in excess of one hundred thousand dollars away.</p>

<p>Both kids graduated, son with highest honors, daughter with high honors. </p>

<p>The issue here is one of parental philosophy in general. If you want to play Pontius Pilate and wash your hands of it, don’t even consider it. Let them sink or swim. If you want to try and have them resolve their own issues, stay in the background, but be advised that great kids (and adults) do stupid things, and don’t have the knowledge, background, or resources to recover in time. Your help may be needed. Getting last minute FAFSA authorization can be a time eating, confusing, and frustrating process diverting your attention from where it should be focused.</p>

<p>If you have been a hovering helicopter parent, college is the time to back off and turn in your pilot’s license.</p>

<p>In the case of the health releases, if they’re under 18, or on your health insurance coverage, you really need the ability to have complete access to medical info.</p>

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<p>I am probably (read “definitely”) guilty of having been a helicopter parent when she was in HS. I have tried very hard (and boy it is hard) to keep a distance and let her go on her own. She is perfectly capable and successful. I think, what may be happening here, is that she had only A’s (very, very driven) in HS and is getting A’s and B’s in college. She may be thinking we will flip out a bit…</p>

<p>D has always kept her plate very full. As a new freshman she auditioned for and got into the premier a cappella group on campus, which tours NE on weekends, joined chamber singers (no credit, but lots of rehearsals) and got the lead in the spring musical…all in addition to her IR major (she is now a double major IR/Music) We have talked about her need to find some balance and she may be interpreting this as a fear that her grades will suffer (and they might) But, we are totally ok with her getting the most out of her entire college experience and she doesn’t need to get straight A’s anymore. perhaps we need to communicate that better to her.</p>

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<p>Bluecroo–she sounds like a terrific kid, and it also sounds like you have excellent communication with her. You are hearing all about her activities, plus she seems to be telling you her grades, too (which sound just fine.)</p>

<p>That being said, why add the artificial layer of the signed release to the mix? Your own family dynamic seems to be doing just fine!</p>

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<p>Is this a battle worth winning? </p>

<p>Could it be your D is just stretching a bit for her independence? Is it necessarily bad? </p>

<p>I think after 18 the relationship changes a bit towards a more adult relationship. We may not like it all the time and there is some pain involved, but at the end of the day we have to trust what we did as parents to that point. </p>

<p>After all we’re not raising children at that point, we letting loose adults. </p>

<p>I would ask and give the reasons why I need access and then leave it to my D to decide if my concerns were valid or not. While I don’t have to agree with her decision, I should respect it.</p>

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<p>blucroo~</p>

<p>You must be <em>so</em> very proud of your daughter, and deservedly so! She sounds simply amazing!</p>

<p>Even though you communicate clearly with some kids, the communication is filtered through their own personality, temperament, etc. </p>

<p>For example, my college son is very driven, and from the get go, we have made sure to tell him that we do <em>NOT</em> expect straight A’s in college. He’s at a challenging school in one of the most challenging programs. </p>

<p>He’s taking a couple of summer classes, and he emailed me a day or two ago and told me that he most likely will not get an A in that class because of the type of curves that are used in those particular classes. Now, I’ve told him again and again and again that because he’s the kind of student he is, I will ALWAYS be satisfied with whatever grades he gets because I <em>KNOW</em> the effort will have been there. Nevertheless, he was still looking to me for encouragement and support, and I happily reiterated my message. </p>

<p>I think he’s more worried about disappointing HIMSELF because he has worked very, very hard and currently has an amazing GPA after two years.</p>

<p>With these very driven kids who tend to be MUCH harder on themselves than anyone else could ever be on them, it is important to help them understand that you are proud of them NO MATTER WHAT…and that that pride (and love) is not dependent upon any outside assessments of their worth.</p>

<p>It sounds like you are doing a fabulous job of communicating this to your D. Keep up the GREAT work! :)</p>

<p>~berurah</p>

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<p>To the OP</p>

<p>And what, honestly, do you think your reaction would be if she did get a, gasp C in college? Your reaction to her not being perfect is part of the equation, I am sure, beyond needing to know everything about her life, I am not saying you would overreact to the grade, it may your daughter’s perception that you will, she at this point probably needs to know that its okay not to get straight As in college, and that even a C is not a big deal, it happens</p>

<p>I told my D that it is up to her if we have that option, but I don’t feel the need to see her information</p>

<p>Why not compromise, say, well, so long as I feel that everything is going pretty well, then I will respect your decision to not see everything, but, if I really sense there are some major issues, etc, then I reserve the right to come back to this waiver</p>

<p>Give her the benefit of the doubt, she has earned it</p>

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<p>We have full online access to our kids’ info. Ds is now thankful for it, since we caught a major error by one of his profs who recorded another student’s grade (F) for ds (who actually earned a B in that class.) Our kids never bother to look up their grades online, and if they had waited until the report was mailed, it would have been a huge hassle to get the mistake corrected, and it was already bad enough.</p>

<p>We also made an agreement before our kids began college that we’d pay all expenses (after their academic scholarships), including allowance, car, insurance, etc. However, they must maintain a minimum 3.0 GPA, which is also the requirement for their scholarships. We knew that a 3.0 would not be tough for them as long as they made a minimal effort and didn’t spend all of their time gaming or partying. The kids have long known that dh’s auditor motto is “trust but verify” so it came as no surprise to them that we expected that <em>of course</em> we’d have full access to their info at school.</p>

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<p>Our kid signed it, no problem, no hesitation. They send his grades here, too. I think it is important to have access to health information (What if your kid needs help? What about a case of mental illness?) Is your kid still on your health insurance?</p>

<p>If it is no big deal to her–she’s a good and healthy student with nothing to hide, right?–I don’t see why she doesn’t just sign it. Why should she care more about what her friends are doing than what her parents–who have supported her her whole life–are asking her to do? IMO, it is disrespectful and stubborn of her to refuse your request. I don’t understand why a kid would make an issue of it.</p>

<p>Most 18yo students are still dependent on their families. They may legally become adults overnight, but in reality they are not on their own.
Tell her you care about her, you will not be intrusive, but just want her to sign it in case of emergency.</p>

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<p>I’d feel better about her being an adult if she didn’t argue on the basis of, "But mom, none of my friends . . . "</p>

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<p>I think ViolaDad’s post was very good. There have been many stories on this board over the past six months or so of kids struggling emotionally at school. I found out that a student I have known since she was in K with my daughter has had a really terrible time at her college this year. One of the indicators was a drop in grades, another indicator was a charge on a credit card. </p>

<p>I know the OP’s daughter is happy and healthy, but you just never know. One day I went to work and didn’t feel well and went home - and didn’t go back to work for four weeks and then missed most of the next six months due to chemotherapy and radiation - and I had no symptoms! You just never know.</p>

<p>My D has a full tuition + room scholarship. She is also a driven kid, always tells us all her grades. We have never indicated (ever) that she must have straight As, but that is what she is driven to obtain. We have full access, she wants us to know. I will say the health waiver was non-negotiable as far as I’m concerned. Also, if the grades drop below what is necessary to maintain the scholarship, who is going to pay?</p>

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<p>I have my D’s password to her school info/email. She rarely checks that stuff on her own. And I can’t imagine NOT knowing what her grades are…it’s just a given. But we have never been grade-grubbers and as long she passes there is nothing for anyone to say. And even if she fails one (which she did her first semester) it’s not like she could hide it since she had to repeat the class that summer. Her school doesn’t list things like health center visits, but I know about those too since she usually calls when she isn’t feeling well and I’m the one who has to tell her to go. In our family there are no hard lines between being a kid and an adult…they are all blurry and we are all pretty open about stuff.</p>

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<p>If there was a poblem with the grade, and the kids didn’t check, wouldn’t it have been a great lesson to learn about responsibility? TO let THEM fix the problem, and to see what would happen if they didn’t keep tabs on their own work?</p>

<p>Part of growing up is handling your own affairs, and if college students have mom and dad checking emails, paperwork, graders, etc, when do they ever expect their kids to handle stuff?</p>

<p>It is not stubborn or dispectful at all, IMO…in fact, to the girl it can be seen that no matter how good she is, how well she does, mom and dad need to still be able to check up on her in pretty much every aspect of her life</p>

<p>If your kids never bother to check on stuff, then let THEM deal with the consqences for heavens sake, the reason they never check is because they know mommy and daddy will for them, so why bother to take care of your own stuff</p>

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<p>A pattern I have noticed on this thread from a few parents is this</p>

<p>“My kid seldom check their information and data, so I have to”…hmmm, what is wrong with this equation, and is it the chicken or the egg…</p>

<p>Let them miss a deadline, let them have a grade screwup, it is not life or death, and they need to deal with this stuff themselves, and not keep relying on their parents for day to day issues, and if it is a pain the behind to fix the problem because they weren’t paying attention or even checking their own grades and email, so what? If it takes time, and is a hassle, just maybe they will learn a lesson</p>

<p>what, are you going to call them to remind them to pay the rent, check their mail boxes, pay the meter?</p>

<p>It is this coddling for no reason that irks me</p>

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<p>I’m with citygirlsmom on this one. When kids are in college, they need to take responsibility for checking their grades, monitoring their e-mails, etc. If a parent is still taking care of that kind of stuff at age 18, the kid will be in real trouble when he or she is in the workforce and doesn’t have mom to intervene.</p>

<p>That said, I also feel that if a parents are paying tuition, they’re entitled to know if the kid is keeping up his end of the bargin – i.e. working hard and getting good grades. </p>

<p>We never asked for access to our son’s information. But he willingly shares his grades with us, and we have no reason at all to think he’s not being fully upfront with us.</p>