<p>Ok. So this week we rec’d a letter from D’s college. They have a new online parent program for easy access to everything from the Bursar’s office, to the health center to grades. Of course, the student has to give permission as they are over 18 years old. Tonight we showed D the letter and asked her to sign us in. Her response…I am doing fine. My grades are… I just prefer not to. None of my friends at school signed in their parents. I would just don’t see a reason as I will tell you anything you ask. </p>
<p>So here’s the question: D is a NMS, great kid, great student, hard worker, very conservative personally (not into sex, drugs, alcohol). We have met her friends and they are great. She is involved in many performance groups and takes challenging and interesting courses. We trust her. But, in general, she is a lousy communicator. Very independent. Has always been older and wiser than her years. Does not call a lot. Takes care of her own problems. Got a small part time job. Handles her money fairly well. </p>
<p>Her tuition is paid for the entire 4 years, so we can’t hold that over her (and dont want to use a threat of withholding her meager allowance and Room and Board. But…we want her to sign us in. Are we being unreasonable? Is she? If you were in our shoes, would you try to convince her and if so, how?</p>
<p>She’s an adult, and she’s doing well. I completely understand her reluctance to let you see all of her records. If she goes to the health center to get STD testing or goes in for counseling or goes to get antibiotics for a UTI, I don’t think that’s information you need to know. She’s doing OK, and it sounds as if she’s honest with you. I don’t see why you would want access to this information except to “look over her shoulder.” She’s 18 and responsible; she doesn’t need it.</p>
<p>Honestly, I do not think you are being unreasonable. Our son also has access to an online dealio like that with the type of info. that was mentioned in your letter. It’s not designed for parents, but for the students. Nevertheless, he WANTED me to have access to that site, and he created a password that we both know. I rarely go on there…only to look at the bursar info. (we pay for what finaid doesn’t cover) and at the end of semesters, his grades. He actually LIKES me to keep an eye out for the incoming grades, and sometimes he’ll call if travelling as ask me to check the site. He has no issue at all with our having access to any of this information–and we have never pried into his private life in any way, shape or form, though he does share much of it with us anyway. </p>
<p>He has always been this way, though. When he broke his nose right after he turned 18, and we were in the hospital having a closed reduction, he was asked to sign the papers himself as he was over 18. He looked at me and said, “Mom, would YOU sign them? Somehow I just feel safer that way…” <em>lol</em></p>
<p>All that said, with your D being the kind of great kid that she is <em>and</em> with her having this objection, I would not push it. I can’t claim to understand her reticence, but apparently she has some. Since you have no qualms about her personal conduct, and you feel that you share a trusting relationship with her, I would not damage that trust or the relationship by pushing that issue. </p>
<p>If I were you, I’d try to make the best case for why I would feel more comfortable having access to that site, but if she still expressed reticence, I’d let it go.</p>
<p>We don’t have such access to grades or health records. I think I asked about a grade once this school year. Usually our kid just tells us once in a while. The arrangement is fine with us.</p>
<p>I think that free parental access to health records would be too intrusive. But I would consider arranging for one of those friends to promise to call you if DD is seriously ill or injured. </p>
<p>Access to the Bursar’s records has been handy for us, DS let us into that.</p>
<p>We indicated to our son from the “get-go” that when he is a self supporting adult, his business is not our business. We believe strongly that at that time he has a real right to privacy. However, at this time, we are paying about 75% of his bills while he is in college. We feel that since our business is paying for his future, that makes it our business(referring to his grades). We see it much as a trade off- that if he wishes to choose to continue with our paying the bills, then we have the right to see how that money is spent/value for our cost.
I know that is surely a “business” way to look at it, but a lender gets to see what debts a potential borrower has, a stockholder has the right to see expenditures of his holdings, we see it the same way.</p>
<p>I think that you’re being unreasonable. She’s grown and seems to be very responsible. To me, your wanting her to allow you to see her school records is as unreasonable as if your parents were asking you to give permission for them to see your health reports and job evaluations.</p>
<p>I’m 100% in agreement with younghoss. I mostly cover the bills and it is an investment I am glad to make as long as S keeps the grades up.</p>
<p>However, if he told me tomorrow that he would take care of all the costs, then while I would still be curious as to how he was doing, it would be up to him to tell me or not.</p>
<p>I actually do think that whoever pays the bill should get a copy of grades and should be notified if the student is suspended or placed on some kind of serious probation. Blucroo’s daughter is responsible and willing to share that information, though. It’s really the access to health information that makes me feel uncomfortable. I think that’s very inappropriate (though I also hope that friends would take reponsibility and call parents in the case of serious harm or illness if the student cannot do it).</p>
<p>That’s just how it is, especially since it is Health Information. I work for an insurance company and we don’t release information to anyone without consent, regardless of who pays that persons premiums. The same thing applies to healh information on the college website. They need to give consent… and unfortunately a lot of younger people are not willing to give that up. I think it mainly comes from getting haggled from parents. A lot of kids don’t want their parents spying on them… not realizing that if something were to occur they would need access to that health info.</p>
<p>I also kind of feel that if I am footing the bill I am entitled to know. Currently my D is a rising freshman and she gave me all the passwords to her student info accounts at the college she is going to in the fall so I can check them for anything time sensitive as she has very limited access to the internet at her HS (it is a residential school). I hope the openness will continue while she is in college. Would I force the issue - probably not - not sure I would be able to see grades etc anyway. </p>
<p>The medical information is a tricky one - but our kids are is still on our medical insurance so any Dr visits & prescriptions paid for through that insurance the claim information comes to us anyway. Both kids have credit cards on one of our accounts and they use them in emergencies and let us know and occasionally ask permission to use them for internet purchases and repay us. That is how they pay any Dr. copays so we do know. If it was something they wanted to keep from us they could pay out of their own pocket and they have the right to do that - but my D, in particular, is pretty tight with her money so it would have to be something she really wanted to hide from us for her to fork out her own $$$s. Have to admit by the time I was 19 my parents did not know anything about my medical info and Dr visits unless I chose to tell them (though I was always very open with my Mum) - but I lived in a country with a health program so there was no insurance info to be dealt with. </p>
<p>Actually when I look back to me at 18 & 19 I was much more emancipated from my parents (not in a legal or even emotional sense - more I was an adult and they pretty much left me to my own devices and decisions). i was not in college so there was no financial support. Not sure if that was the reason for the difference or if it is more a cultural thing - US parents seem to ‘parent’ a bit longer than European parents. Including myself though I am trying to back off a bit - not very successfully yet :)</p>
<p>I should add one thing about the health info. H is an Internal Medicine MD for the large medical group/HMO that D is covered under. H has always been the first line of medical answers and D eagerly seeks his advice. If/when she uses the health center, she is covered under our policy still and we have to pay and then submit for reimbursement. H has access to all of D’s medical records any time, day or night here. She has used the health center twice this year. Once for her second HPV immunization (she started the series at home over winter break and will get the third this summer at home) and the second time was for conjunctivitis. So the health privacy issue is not a big one here. Those health and medical issues that some kids don’t want to discuss are discussed openly here now and in the past. So unless D goes to a private MD off campus, we will see a line item on the Bursur’s bill (which we seem to get without her permission!) and D then has to send us the detailed codes for us to get reimbursed.</p>
<p>At my sons college a couple of years ago at the parent orientation thing they were telling us about the whole privacy issue and how they cannot tell us anything. So I asked if that meant they could not tell us what we owed them and they were quick to say that they could tell us that!!</p>
<p>I told my daughter that I needed to have access to her grades as a condition for financing her tuition – but I’m thrown somewhat by the statement, “Her tuition is paid for the entire 4 years”. How did that happen? Did the parent prepay? or does she have a full-tuition scholarship guaranteed for all 4-years? </p>
<p>I don’t ask to see my son’s grades, because he is paying his own way through college. So if I had a kid with a full-ride scholarship, I’d probably figure that the grades were their business, not mine and let it go. </p>
<p>I think a health/medical waiver is useful to have on file in case of emergencies… but at the same time I can see why a young person would want their privacy respected. There are some services young people seek from campus health centers that they don’t want their parents knowing about. </p>
<p>So I guess it all comes down to the money. In this case it sounds like the “great kid, great student, hard worker, very conservative personally” student is within her rights.</p>
<p>I should clarify that we ask our son about his grades. I think that’s different from having internet access to all information. We also aren’t really making his GPA a criteria for us to pay for college, although I understand parents who do. We will pay for four years, and what he gets out of it is his business. It’s not an issue because he’s doing well – it might be if he were not.</p>
<p>Blucroo, I don’t think that you are being unreasonable in your expectations. If you are footing the bill, you have a vested interest in how she is doing. </p>
<p>2 years ago, right before my D went off to college, we got a letter from them that we could sign and send to the registrar’s office if we wanted to receive copies of her grades. If we claim her on our taxes, we would have auto access. If we didn’t claim her, she had to sign the agreement. I asked her what she thought, and she just said, yup, I’ll sign that.</p>
<p>Both she and S (who is off to college this year) have signed medical waivers at all doctors’ offices. At their own insistence, because they still want me to receive reports and be involved in informed decision making. They still believe that I may know a little more than they!! Her school doctors have called me to discuss a potentially serious situation, when thay saw this waiver. All I can say is Thank Goodness. Maybe it’s because we openly discuss some deeply personal issues, that I tend to know more about my kids .</p>
<p>Well. if she is taking care of all expenses, then there is not much you can do or should do. If she has a a tuition scholarship, but you are paying room and board and expenses, then you are not being unreasonable.</p>
<p>Ahhh ^^^ I see now, Blucroo’s D has full tuition paid, and Blu is responsible for R&B only. Well, obviously she is a very smart and resposible kid to earn this scholarship. But still, you are paying $8000 or whatever each year…</p>
<p>i really don’t see why knowing her grades matters. it doesn’t seem like she’s all that secretive of a person. you have to learn to trust her. my parents never saw my grades until they were mailed home at the end of the semester, and even then they were mailed home to me and a few weeks later they would ask if they could see them, no big deal.</p>