Yes, as a family member, I will probably always feel conflicted. In my HEAD, I understand that he was in such indescribable pain that he couldn’t go on. But in my HEART, I’m angry that he did this to his wonderful parents and two younger siblings. That family will never recover, ever. And we honestly have no idea what happened. Everyone we talked to said they saw no signs. He was outwardly happy and looking forward to studying abroad in Wales. The NOT KNOWING will always weigh on us.
I think its a mistake to frame this issue in terms of “indescribable pain.” Parents endure horrendous pain for their children. Parents starve so their children can eat. Parents run through flames to rescue their children. Parents with hideous pain suffer through cancer to be there for their children a little bit longer.
Depression is different from pain. It is a brain condition that robs the person of the ability to even have the emotions that help you fight pain. The parent who commits suicide isn’t saying they care more about their own suffering than their children. They have lost the ability to understand how their actions will reverberate. It may not be described as delusional, but it shares many elements with delusion. The part of the brain that understands is broken. The problem is that they don’t appear broken. They aren’t hearing voices or hallucinating, so we tend to ascribe normal abilities to them. But they are broken in very important ways.
After my husband passed away from a heart attack, I was truly devastated. there were moments when I felt it would be hard to go on, but I was never in danger of suicide because I was only in tremendous pain. I could still understand my responsibilities towards the people I love. Pain, sadness, grief…all those things are different than severe depression.
@techmom99 – very good post. I would add: from what I’ve read, suicidal people are in so much pain that “feeling better” means “not feeling anything anymore.”
I agree with @Consolation . The news is out there that Kate Spade and her husband had separated and he was living in an apartment. Her suicide allegedly came days after he told her he was filing for divorce. https://pagesix.com/2018/06/06/kate-spade-committed-suicide-after-husband-sought-divorce/?_ga=2.92882077.1061848658.1528297521-1590486416.1522730438 Earlier news reports certainly made it seem as if they were living separate lives. While he was in the apartment when the housekeeper found the body, the housekeeper seems to have been unaware of that fact, as she ran to the super for help.
I suspect that the sister’s remarks are aimed at convincing the world that Andy Spade, the surviving parent, wasn’t just another philandering husband who drove his wife to despair. (Thus far, there are no reports of another woman.) Rather, he was a man who had apparently been dealing for several years with a wife dealing with depression who refused to get the help she needed and who was drinking too much.
I’m not sure what Kate Spade meant when she wrote “Ask Daddy.” I do know though–that as silly as it may “sound”–the sister’s remarks make me much more sympathetic to Andy Spade and I do think it’s best for their daughter if the world isn’t blaming him for her death.
There are reports that the one sister speaking out has actually been estranged from other family members for years. And the others are very disgusted that she is inserting herself into this .
I don’t have personal knowledge of the pain KS was experiencing and cannot comment on whether this was a selfish act or not. The fact that she left a note for their daughter, waited until she left for school and did this while the husband was at home says to me it was very planned out. For whatever that means. Is suicide usually planned? We have lost two friends, one 19 and a complete shock, the other 65 and not a surprise though he told me he would never take his life when I asked him.
There are conflicting reports about whether or not the husband was in the home at the time of the suicide.
I think absolutely you feel sympathy and empathy for those that are left to pick up the pieces. The anger and grief is tremendous. Now this is just turning into a sordid tale and THAT is sad…especially for that poor, poor child. I hope the press leaves this alone. It doesn’t matter one bit if alcoholism lead to divorce which lead to suicide, or if bi-polar or depression led to suicide or what led to what…it really doesn’t matter sadly to say to the daughter she left behind.
It’s a very sad story but the story will continue not because of sensationalized stories about peripheral parties (always two sides) but puzzlement as to how and why this could happen to someone who apparently had everything going for them. (Michael Jackson, Robin Williams, Prince)
That’s the real story because we all know someone–“it could’ve been someone I know”.
I wonder how much the sale of her namesake brand and the need to change her name to start anew played into this tragedy. Add the breakup with your life and business partner, and it could look like the world is crumbling. Plus throw the female aging issues into the mix…
So sad. I am sure her family will miss her dearly. RIP.
@gouf78
To me, Kate Spade’s tragedy is different from that of MJ, Prince, or Robin Williams. To my understanding, MJ and Prince died of drug overdose/interaction/bad doctors; in addition to alcohol and drug abuse, Robin Williams had been suffering a kind of Alzheimer’s disease prior to his taking his own life. I guess we could all agree that money and fame are not everything and they don’t necessarily bring happiness nor health in life.
Robin William suffered from Bipolar Disorder, compounded by Parkinson’s, Kate Spade’s sister intimates that she also may have had bipolar disorder. Given the one statement I read earlier in the day, she may have been symptomatic from a relatively young age. Her sister’s statement suggests that she had been refusing treatment, because of fear it would impact her brand. The rest of the family’s response to her statement ironically makes her statement even more believable to me. The rest of the family would have us believe there were no mental health issues, as if that would tarnish her legacy. If that has been their insistence all along, and they encouraged her to avoid getting the help she needed, they did her a great disservice - and her daughter too. I can see why her sister would become estranged from the rest of the family under those circumstances.
The note telling her daughter to ask her father can been seen in two different lights - either she blamed him, and is saying to confront him, or she hopes he can comfort her and perhaps explain why this had nothing to do with her. I haven’t seen the text of the note, but I’m betting on the latter. As the parent of a young adult who has attempted more than once, I can attest that a person in that state of mind is aware of the impact their actions will have on others, but they are not capable of caring enough to stop themselves. If bipolar disorder is involved, it is very possible she had a plan in place for a long time, and fought it, but the actual act was impulsive. Her husband may have been in a position of wanting her to get help, but unable to force her to do so. He may have had little choice, but to walk away, for his own sanity, and that of his daughter.
Robin Williams had Lewy Body dementia, a rare form of dimentia and often misdiagnosed, not Parkinson’s. But it is a moot issue now anyway.
This is hard for me and maybe because of the internet, I can say this.
I admit to not having knowledge of mental illness and for that I am very grateful.
But if the sister is to be believed, this woman who had access to health care and money to afford the best treatment, wouldn’t take it. Kate Spade was offered and begged by family members to enter a treatment center (and honestly if the family knew that she was depressed, I would definitely expect this). But again and again, she would refuse to enter a treatment center.
I find myself being so very frustrated by this. So very frustrated. So her pain was so great, that leaving a grieving child and family behind was preferable to trying to fix her depression and alcoholism. Now it may come out that Kate Spade had been to treatment many, many times and it wasn’t successful. Maybe her depression wasn’t treatable, I have no idea.
My neighbors son has cancer, and a $10,000 yearly deductible. His parents are paying it and thank goodness they can afford it. His prognosis is good. He hopefully will live to see his daughter married.
There’s an element of perceived shame/weakness that can cause people to be scared to get help in a way they wouldn’t be scared of treatment for a physical disease.
Refusal of treatment is very common among patients with mental illnesses, partly due to the stigma, but also partly to the disorders themselves. This is particularly common among those with Bipolar Disorder and Schizophrenia. Many would prefer to be manic, than to have treatment which limits that “high” feeling, and may also limit their creativity. Also, when stable under treatment, they often stop medications because they believe they no longer need them, which then leads to instability, when they deny there is anything wrong, particularly if they are manic. And as much as we hear about the pain of depression, mania is far more dangerous, because of compulsivity. It is indeed sad when someone who can afford treatment, and has access. For most people it is expensive, and the proper resources are hard to find (The type of residential treatment her sister spoke of would only come after many rounds of shorter hospitalizations, and often is not covered by insurance).
Kate sold her shares in her company for under $100 million dollars in 2006. Her net worth was estimated at about $150 million in 2018. But I believe last year her brand was sold for $2.4 Billion. I don’t think she profited from that.
I’m speculating that had to have hit her hard. She began the development of her new brand “Francis Valentine” and even legally changed her name to Kate Valentine about that time.
Maybe her new brand wasn’t as successful as she’d hoped. All just speculation but my eyebrows went up when I read that her brand sold for $2.3 billion more than what she’d received for it a decade ago.
Yes, it’s speculation, as most of the comments on this thread are. But the reality is that Kate Spade as a brand did not grow to a $2.3B valuation solely due to pretty bags; there was a lot of capital expenditures needed to shift the business from a department store centric business to one focused on free-standing retail, a shift that Kate Spade the company could not financially do on its own at the time. And $150MM is hardly chump change.
Also, IMO, we are not surrounded by example after example of successful treatment for depression. Or substance abuse, for that matter.
It requires a lot of work from the afflicted person, unlike many other diseases.
It’s tough!