<p>This is an essay I wrote for Notre Dame’s “try something new” supplement prompt (I got in yesterday!). I basically wrote an Onion-style article about how obsessed I was with college applications (still am but shh). I felt as if you all here at CC would appreciate this. Enjoy!</p>
<p>*Also I changed the name to wimmiett for privacy purposes or something. </p>
<p>WIMMIETTVILLE, FL - While scrambling to compile a list of achievements, activities, and leadership positions, sources confirmed that sheltered private school student wimmiett had indeed become completely exhausted by the pressures of college application process. </p>
<pre><code> “You know,” moaned wimmiett before taking a mock SAT well before the actual test date, “I’m sure this will pay off in the end. It has to.” Four hours after this statement, those familiar with wimmiett’s intrinsic anxiety reported that despite his effort, his math score refused to break 700. Prolonged cries of “Why me!?” were believed to have emanated from his room.
According to his peers, it appears that for the past several months wimmiett has inevitably resorted to consistently imposing college applications as the focus of conversations. “The Video Music Awards were on last night,” recalls a classmate, “but when I asked wimmiett what he thought of them, all that registered were slurred, incoherent ramblings about how he spent the whole night staring at a blank word document.” When confronted, it appeared that wimmiett was entirely convinced that, despite taking six AP classes and dedicating nearly all his time to a legion of extracurricular activities, he was simply unqualified compared to the rest of the nation’s applicants.
Despite appearing unreasonably pessimistic, wimmiett was reportedly still planning on applying to his dream school, Notre Dame. “If he doesn’t get in, I don’t know who will,” voiced his proud but unconvincing mother. “Who else is as motivated, unassuming, and ambitious as My Son?” Wimmiett, still wary, was last seen frantically scrolling through Notre Dame’s most recent Common Data Set in a pathetic attempt to calculate his chances at admission.
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