<p>My daughter (a sophomore) is living in an on-campus apartment with two other girls. The move-in last Saturday turned into a nightmare when it turned out that one girl had brought a tremendous amount of stuff: a coffee maker and an espresso machine, dishes for eight, a complete set of knives, 4 cutting boards multiple small appliances, a huge (costco size) containers of peanut butter, jelly, toilet paper, and paper towels. I could go on. This is a very small apartment with a tiny kitchen. There is literally perhaps two square feet of counter space. Girl #1 also arrived before the other girls and promptly laid claim to the desk, bed, and closet she wanted, ignoring an earlier agreement to divide up the space by flipping a coin or something. In addition, while I and girl #3’s parents left after moving their stuff in, so that they could unpack and get settled, girl #1’s parents and older brother hung around for hours, making it very difficult for them to sort out these issues.</p>
<p>Now my daughter and the third roommate are very unhappy and, I’ve been told, are trying to force out girl #1. I was told this by the girl #1’s mother who called me to discuss this situation. I answered that I didn’t want to get involved, that it was up to the three girls to settle matters like mature young adults, but that it is shared space and everyone needs to compromise. When I spoke to my daughter, she indicated that she is still upset, but that she had done nothing to indicate that girl #1 should move out. In fact, she’d been investigating whether she could move back into a conventional dorm room (my preference from the beginning!) </p>
<p>Any suggestions about how to defuse this situation? </p>
<p>Unless there is more to this situation, the things you describe don’t seem so bad to me and are things that can easily be resolved. First, are these three friends and knew one another ahead of time? Didn’t they discuss who would bring what? They should have in terms of the shared space stuff like the kitchen. But even if they did not, the stuff you describe that the girl brought sounds rather practical to me…dishes, knives, coffee maker, etc. That is not outrageous and are needed items, unless they all brought the same (then perhaps they can bring some stuff home). </p>
<p>Then, you mention that the first girl who arrived chose her bed, closet and desk. That is also not so uncommon, in my view. BUT, the area where it does get a bit negative is that you said they had agreed to divide the space up by some other method. It really is not too late. They can discuss between themselves the earlier agreement and if it was to flip a coin, do it now and rearrange as needed. I really don’t think the things you mentioned are so untenable. </p>
<p>Perhaps they are not getting along or something else is at play? They should discuss some basic agreements amongst themselves about the space and try to adhere to them and have monthly meetings to see how they are doing. Moving out seems pretty heavy duty right off the bat before trying to work it out first. </p>
<p>Thanks for the response. It is not that the stuff girl #1 brought isn’t useful stuff. It is just the sheer quantity. This is just a very small apartment, which it appears no one had actually seen before they signed the housing contract. They had a discussion about who was bringing what but girl #1 did not follow through: for example, although they agreed each would bring two place settings of dishes and silverware, girl #1 arrived with enough dishes and flatware for 8! Girl #1 and her family had literally filled all of the cabinets and the fridge with her stuff, before the other girls had arrived. My daughter and girl #2 are now keeping their groceries in the hall closet and using a mini fridge for their fresh food because girl #1 has filled up the kitchen with her stuff.</p>
<p>However, as you suggest, I think there are other things going on. They do all know each other having become friends early in freshman year. Girl #2 and my daughter spent a month in Europe this summer and grew closer as a result, and I think girl #1 feels excluded. Girl #1 broke up with a longterm boyfriend in the spring and began to drink and party heavily mid-semester. During this period, she repeatedly stood up the other girls and they felt increasingly resentful and as a result began to make plans that didn’t include her so as to avoid heavy drinking, etc. So there is a lot of “baggage.”</p>
<p>I agree that you don’t have to be love your roommates to get along, and I’ve encouraged my daughter to do as you suggest and have a meeting to discuss “house rules” and problems that have arisen.</p>
<p>Your first instinct was correct. Let them work it out. You can use the socratic method though when you talk to her. If she is complaining you can ask questions about her options. Become a sounding board instead of a problem solver </p>
<p>Do they each have their own room or do they share a bedroom too? DS has his own room so he keeps a lot of his kitchen stuff in his own room. However if they are sharing the bedroom then girl #1 needs to move some of her stuff OR everyone should use her dishes and silverware. If they don’t say something now I doubt it’s going to get better as the year goes on.</p>
<p>Did you DD ask for advice, or did she just want to vent, or ??? These issues don’t seem insurmountable. It seems like Girl #1’s stuff would be great if the intent is to share; if no sharing, then she needs to figure out where to store the stuff. Under her bed which is on stilts? Also, in my experience, when parents & sibling linger, it is not the student in question’s choice. </p>
<p>Thanks, everyone, for weighing in. This is a one bedroom apartment, so the three girls share one room, which has a bunk bed and one lofted bed. DD was happy to take the upper bunk, but the two other girls wanted to be on the lower bed. Girl #1 claimed the lower bed even though there was the agreement to flip a coin, and then had to be prevailed upon to follow the original agreement. When she loss the coin toss, she announced that she would get the bed de-lofted, but then there is not enough room then for the three dressers, who of which have to go under the lofted bed. The other girls told her that it was ok, if she moved her dresser into the living room, because girl#3 agreed to move her dresser into her half of the closet. Girl#1 refused, saying she needed her stuff in the bedroom. Sigh . . . I do think she is being a bit of a princess and is refusing to compromise, although I can imagine that my outspoken daughter might be contributing to the tension.</p>
<p>I’m not sure if girl#1’s intention was to share her kitchen stuff or not, but I know that my DD doesn’t want to be in the position of having to rely on her stuff. I came up with the idea of each bringing their own dishes, because it would help clarify who needed to wash what. I do get the feeling that the overflow of food and dishes may have come from the mom of girl#1 who seems to be overly involved, but when DD and girl#3 suggested that some stuff should be taken back home to open up some room in the kitchen both girl#1 and her mom got surly.</p>
<p>DD has been both venting and asking for advice. I’ve been suggesting 1) frank discussion of the issues but in a calm and respectful tone 2) waiting to see if things will settle down.</p>
<p>It is possible that Girl #1’s mom sent 8 sets of dishes (I wouldn’t let my kid take 2 from our sets at home, maybe she just went and bought a box). Honestly, these seem like petty things. The PB&J, toilet paper, etc will eventually be used. They should tell Girl #1 that they want to swap beds/etc. partway through the year so everyone gets a chance at the good stuff. I’d leave them alone to sort it, and personally would not support your D’s plan to move (she will be stuck with the rent if she does, I assume). They can live with it for a year…</p>
<p>I’d encourage them to have a meeting to work out these relatively minor issues. I don’t think what the girl brought is so terrible. What now needs to be worked out is how to share the kitchen cabinet space and fridge space equally. Then, the idea of rotating beds, etc. during the school year to be fair, since some prefer certain beds over others, is easily done. There is no reason why one person gets to use kitchen space and not the others. Rather than resent it or fight over it, they just have to have a meeting about divvying up the space equally. </p>
<p>That said, some of this does sound more like other dynamics at play from previous experiences with one another. The things you mentioned in the initial post were not too major, so it likely is more of a social and personal dynamic. But a meeting to set things up as apartment mates makes sense and will come up again in shared living situations and so this is a good thing to learn how to do. </p>
<p>What are the financial implications of your D moving out and returning to a regular dorm room? And, also important, how would Girl #3 feel about your D leaving? Does D want to abandon Girl#3 to deal with Girl#1 by herself?</p>
<p>@suzan30 Sounds to me as if you were handling it the right way in the first place: encourage them to work it out. (The fact that the other mother called you is not a good sign.)</p>
<p>I’m wondering, since the thread has been revitalized, how things have worked out now that soe time has passed?</p>
<p>Um…has Suzan updated at all? She posed this question at the end of August!</p>