<p>All 3 of my kids had roommate problems as freshmen (all lived with a stranger assigned by the school). Each handled it in a different way.
S#1–avoided his room, studied in library, camped out in friends’ rooms and basically avoided confrontation.
D–confronted rm about coming in at all hours, keeping drugs in room, waking her in middle of night, playing music all night long. Went to RA and when nothing done, told rm that she either moved out or she would report her drug use. (roommate moved)
S#2–compromised back and forth through first semester. Had very different schedules. Son had all early classes and heavy load. Roommate had no classes before afternoon, light load and wanted to play video games all night. 2nd semester, son moved out to another room on hall where a student had vacated.</p>
<p>Thanks for all the great advice…excellent povs!</p>
<p>Talked to my d last night and got a little more info. It’s not just music playing; r/m has issues with all distractions that originate with the other girls. And I think more is going on because r/m doesn’t have a problem with her own music playing while she studies. My d says she actually blasts hardcore music while doing her homework. But if my d puts on music, she says she has to have total silence. My d’s taste runs kinda laid back and a little bit oldie mixed with new stuff…Kinks, Clash, Beatles, Blondie etc. I would think it was just a music taste issue, but there are couple of other things going on including cell phone misuse, frequent emotional outbursts (not involving my d). I’m starting to fume a little, but I have to let my d handle this. So far my d says the r/m is pretty high maintenance, but she’ll at least stick it out this semester.</p>
<p>re: the quiet hours/zone. They have really nice study lounges that are designated as quiet zones in several areas on each floor. These zones are strictly enforced 24/7. Quiet hours for the rest of the dorm start in the early morning hours. The RAs encourage the kids to leave their doors open as much as possible … apparently to promote socialization and adjustment. Of course, when homework and studying is going on in the room, everyone naturally closes their doors.</p>
<p>My d tends to be pretty busy with a few extracurriculars which helps make this situation bearable. She does her quiet study time in the study lounge and ‘in room’ homework with a headset as much as possible rather than get into with the roommate over sound levels. And she just leaves when the emotional phone calls occur. I just really wanted my d’s room to feel homey and relaxed…and it doesn’t seem like that is happening. She’ll most likely put feelers out to see if anyone would like to trade rooms over Christmas break.</p>
<p>My d really wants to be an RA next year, so that will mean a single with a suitemate which is probably a good idea. I really believe in roommates for freshmen because I think it helps with adjustment; but by the time they are sophomores, most kids want their own room again anyway.</p>
<p>ldmom06-- I’m a bit confused. Re: the suitemates. What’s their involvement in all of this? You said they also have issues with the roommate too? It sounds like your D. has been left to deal with this girl on her own. Or, is it the type of suite where this is D’s direct roommate and the suitemates have their own room with a shared bath? Either way, the R/M sounds like a major pain in the a**…just like mine. Glad to hear D. will start looking around for another option for next semester since living arrangements don’t have to be this difficult. She may not need to look for a trade as spaces and even whole rooms (as in my case) open up from kids who don’t return to school or move out for other reasons. She could check with the housing department about vacancies as well.</p>
<p>Yes she has suitemates with a shared bathroom set up. The burden is not as great for them and my d often escapes to their room or to the rooms of friends down the hall. The other girls are sympathetic to my d’s situation…all are trying to make lemonade out of lemons for now, which I think is pretty mature. And my d is not the type to gossip or try to create a big divide that forces others to choose sides, etc. She is not one of those ‘political’ types. I have a feeling she is sparing me details as well…last night, she let slip she was camping out occasionally in the tv room or the study room.</p>
<p>It would be great if a single opened up on the same floor. She has so many friends there she wouldn’t want to leave, but I know she is tired of walking on eggshells.</p>
<p>That’s what happened in my case. I felt connected with others on my floor and preferred a new assignment there if possible. Same with the girl who became my new roommate as she lived down the hall. Once we decided to ditch our current situations, we went to the housing department right away and filed an application for a transfer with a preference for the same dorm, same floor. That way, if a room opened up, the paperwork already was in place and we were first in line for the space. If your D. wants a single, I’m guessing the early bird gets the worm on those highly-desirable rooms. Getting her name in now probably would be a good idea even for a double since her options will be more limited by preferencing her floor. By the way, the housing dept. (at my U at least) kept this information confidential so applying for a transfer didn’t aggravate the situation with the R/M. She didn’t know a thing until moving day.</p>
<p>If we ignore which side the CC person presented in this story the majoirty view seems to be … the person who wants to study in their room relatively late at night should leave so a roommate can socialize in the room … I’m a little surprised that is the majority opinion. Without knowing the details of both sides my bias would tend to be with the kid who wants to study; the details of this case may well warrant a different viewpoint but I tend to favor the studier gets first dibs on the room.</p>
<p>2togo–that was my first thinking, too. But the OP’s subsequent posts, about the roommate insisting on playing her music loud, but asking OP’s D to turn hers off, while she studies, changes the view for me.</p>
<p>
The girl doesn’t buckle down until 10 pm and then expects her suitemates to drop everything and accommodate her demands since she’s decided it’s finally time to get serious with her studies? Forget it…she’s a Prima Donna.</p>
<p>3togo - That would be my first opinion as well…but I think much more is going on than just conflicting schedules. Also important is that my d and her suitemates indicated on their housing contracts they liked to do homework with low music or tv or other background noise and that they did not want or expect total silence … so I cannot fault them for objecting to the demands of total silence from one person…especially when that person doesn’t mind her own music played very loudly. The r/m also turns on all the overhead fluorescent lights when she studies late into the night, despite the fact that there are at least three lamps in the room. This is going from a passive-aggressive control issue to just plain aggressive-agressive imho.</p>
<h2>Discussion was attempted and it didn’t go well. (I know my d and she was probably very blunt…fair, but blunt. Some people don’t handle blunt.) Ultimately disturbing things were said and my husband and I are concerned. It’s getting weird. So I think GoBlue may have the best suggestion…that my d privately make a request for change in housing.</h2>
<p>btw 3togo…I pride myself on being as impartial as possible and presenting the facts fairly. My d doesn’t suffer fools and is definitely not perfect. In fact in our conversation, I was very much the devil’s advocate actually trying to argue the r/m’s pov with her. But it boils down to this. Housing asked for specific study and living habits. My d truthfully gave her preferences and is attempting to honor that part of her contract.</p>
<p>If someone does not buckle down until 10pm, and then expects complete silence from her suitemates, and she is allowed to play music herself, the is something wrong. I agree with GobBlueAlumMom.</p>
<p>I actually disagree with most of the other posters. I think that academics come first, and I think that your daughter should make an effort to at least try to be quiet while her roommate is studying. I generally do work pretty much from the time my classes end until 2 in the morning. My suitemates do about the same, give or take. My roommate tends to go to bed a little earlier than I do, and she’s taking some lighter classes, and I do think it’s rude for her to talk loudly on her cell phone before she goes to bed while I’m trying to read or study. She probably does it to unwind, just as your daughter listens to music or watches TV before bed. However, I think that one roommate trying to work/sleep takes precedence over the other one wanting to have fun. Can’t both girls use headphones to listen to music? Can your daughter watch TV in the common area? Go into one of the other rooms to watch TV if someone’s studying in your own? </p>
<p>I think the answers here are a little surprising, and I wonder whether they’d be the same if a parent posted saying their daughter’s roommate was always watching TV or playing music or fooling around while she was trying to get work done. I agree that the other girl should start her homework earlier, but I don’t think anyone’s said whether she’s playing a sport or heavily involved with a campus organization that takes up her evening hours.</p>
<p>corranged - She isn’t playing sports, she hangs out with friends every night. See my post about ‘socializing until 10 p.m.’ My d IS quiet…she has to be or she gets abused by the r/m. The r/m DOES tolerate music but only if it is her music and then she plays it really loud. </p>
<p>You clearly did not read all the posts. All of the suitemates supposedly were matched by housing according to their study and living preferences. All in my d’s suite supposedly agreed on their housing contracts that homework with low background noise (tv, music) was acceptable. If the r/m changed her mind, I think this should be HER problem. Why would you think that the other girls should accommodate her?</p>
<p>And re: the cell phone. I’m not so much worried about my d talking on her phone as the r/m talking on her phone. There were over 45 phone calls made by the r/m on my d’s phone last month. Some my d knew about, but most she did not.</p>
<p>Also…to be very frank, I think you have unreasonable expectations of your roommate. You state you study from the time your classes end until 2 a.m. and you expect your roommate to be quiet the entire time and not even make phone calls from her room? You do realize your roommate pays for half that room and that room is her home don’t you?</p>
<p>No, I did not read every post. I was replying to your original question more than replying to every previous poster.</p>
<p>It seems like there are easy solutions, here–namely headphones, compromise, and patience. I think that the nicest thing to do when someone is trying to work/sleep is to try not to bother him/her. I just feel that priority should be given to studying and sleeping over socializing. When I’m not doing work and my roommate is, I do something quiet or socialize out of the room. I don’t find it very much trouble, and I know that I like being able to work in the room, as does my roommate. </p>
<p>I’m not sure what you’re saying… is your daughter’s roommate using your daughter’s cell phone? I don’t believe you mentioned this in your first post. This seems pretty easily solved, too: your daughter can ask her not to use her phone.</p>
<p>
Where did I say that I expected my roommate to be quiet the entire time? I was saying that at least in my suite we are as considerate as possible if any girl is sleeping or doing work. I get along with my roommate very well, but I do think that it’s rude if one person is unnecessarily loud when the other person is trying to work. Also, the times I study are not unreasonable for the school in the least.</p>
<p>there’s a difference between ‘talking loudly’ and ‘talking normally’. My roommate freshman year used to ‘talk loudly’ on the phone every night and it was so annoyinig because you literally can’t concentrate on anything or even watch a movie. all you hear is that person. if they are talking ‘normally’ it’s not a problem at all.</p>
<p>in college it’s actually very normal to study from 10-2 AM. I guess it’s just the people not in school who don’t realize this.</p>
<p>and ld, no offense, but the whole ‘that person pays half the rent’ does not always apply. if that’s the case then your d’s roommate has just as much right to be blaring her music and telling your d to turn hers off and be quiet… which is the same thing as somebody being obnoxiously loud on there cell phone while someone is trying to do something.</p>
<p>Go back and read the posts corranged. No one is trying to party-harty while the roommate is studying. And she doesn’t have a problem with her own loud music. So you are getting way off base on this.</p>
<p>I’m not sure I understand this statement:</p>
<p>“but I do think that it’s rude if one person is unnecessarily loud when the other person is trying to work. Also, the times I study are not unreasonable for the school in the least.”</p>
<p>I never suggested anyone in my d’s suite was unnecessarily loud; quite the opposite, they are bending over backwards and getting tired of it. Also, my d’s curriculum is far more demanding than her r/m’s and her school is pretty rigorous as well. So the last sentence needs translation or something…</p>
<p>i would just suggest moving, quite honestly. if she can’t switch this year, have her tough it out and move next year. you don’t want to start a fight with a roommate and then be stuck living with them the rest of the year. i got really ticked off at my one roommate (after living with her for three years she became intolerable) and i just simply (for the most part) stopped coming home. i’d sleep at friends houses, take my laptop with me, come home to shower, etc… just because i didn’t want to deal with my roommate. i also didn’t want to pick a fight with her because we just had to make it through the year… and then it was all over… in the end we both did really well and graduated and haven’t spoken to since. i would just reccommend toughing it out this year and then moving on next year.</p>
<p>crossed posts</p>
<p>she also might want to check around and see if anyone has any room openings next semester. there are always people graduating, transfering or failing out and rooms become available. see if she has any friends with openings or if her college has a roommate wanted board on campus… i know during senior year my one roommate graduated in december and i took a girl in starting january because she was having roommate problems. i also have a friend who was having roommate problems and he moved into another apartment with some friends as they had an opening because someone failed out of school. check around and see what’s available.</p>
<p>regarding paying half the rent:</p>
<p>I pay that half, so I’ll tell you what I think I’m paying for. I’m paying for my d to have a comfortable home away from home. A place that serves as a refuge, a place to study, a place to relax… that she SHARES with another person. Both have equal rights that are described specifically in their housing contract. I expect both parties to honor that housing contract. If one party regrets agreeing to the terms of that contract, I expect that person to approach the other in a congenial manner and REQUEST, not demand, renegotiation. That person should also realize that the other has no obligation to renegotiate.</p>
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<p>Your daughter and her roommate clearly have issues that need to be resolved.</p>
<p>But perhaps it is fortunate that they are not as bad as some other people’s roommate issues. Either on these boards or in my own life or my son’s, I have heard of students who 1) keep illegal drugs in the room, despite their roommate’s objection; 2) get drunk and smash things in the room, including college property such as closet doors and lighting fixtures; 3) frequently evict their roommate in order to have sex in the room; 4) come back to the room during the night with a partner while the roommate is sleeping and proceed to have sex in the roommate’s presence; 5) have sex in the roommate’s bed while the roommate is not there; 6) vomit in the room and not clean it up; 7) steal or destroy their roommate’s possessions; or 8) have long-term guests sleeping on a futon in the room, night after night, for weeks or months on end.</p>
<p>Things could be worse.</p>