<p>I get the impression that the girls are just roommates not friends. If it were my child I would appreciate the roommate contacting us so we could help our child get help.
She should also feel comfortable enough with the roommate to bring it up and set some boundaries. Including not bringing any drugs into the apartment.
I had a dilemma when my son and a friend were talking about a young woman they had known since first grade. They made some comments about her including that she smoked crack. They had not personally seen her use crack. Just word of others. The boys had no clue that I still am somewhat friendly with her Mom. I agonized for days as to what I should do. I finally decided I would bring it up gently with her. I did not come out and tell her the specifics but she ended up telling me about some of her D’s struggles with substances. I left the conversation knowing she has some clue and what they would do about it was up to them.</p>
<p>mom60</p>
<p>The parents (my friends) are pondering this. They know they’ll need to inform roomie’s parents soon if something doesn’t change. The roomie’s probably well-meaning parents have maybe been enabling, getting great lawyers to get their D off on speeding with drugs found in the car last year. You’d think the responsible kid shouldn’t have to move out.</p>
<p>The stories in some cases could be just rumors, or even the product of the eveil mind of an enemy, or there could be an actual drug issue. Bethie- having been a shoulder to cry on for my friend, I don’t see being able to use an attorney to “get out” of drugs in tghe car- possibly a drug education alternative sentencing program, but unless the police tests were lost by the lab or negative, then in my extremely limited experience, one is in the system.</p>
<p>No Law & Order style offers to tell on the bad people you know of or suspect getting reduced charges, etc., just the inexorable process of the system.</p>
<p>Calling the parents is really scary, some will be open to hearing the news, some won’t, will the ones who listen know what to do? How to handle it? Will they have the power? How will they react to the caller and how will they repeat the info to their daughter and how will she treat the roomie?</p>
<p>I am not sure about the whole lease thing- I should not have to stay where my roomie is behaving illegally, but that does not make the landlord nesc. responsible, and proving what you “know” is happening is complex, too.</p>
<p>Perhaps talking to the landlord or to a student rental advising person about how to proceed would be best? What about talking to the police and turning the person in, getting arrested could be a real turning point??</p>
<p>It was not her car and she successfully blamed the car’s owner–who maybe was to blame, but maybe not. And yes, VT has a diversion program for a first offense, which I support. But OJ got away with murder with the “right” lawyers and jury, so I could buy the idea of someone getting off on a drug and speeding charge. Yes, calling the parents is scary and they may not listen or know what to do. Yes, the lease is a problem too. Both sets of parents co-signed. If my friends pull their D out of the apt, they’ll be responsible for half of the rent for the rest of the year. And have to find other housing for their D when everyone she knows has figured out their housing for second semester.</p>
<p>Well if the roomie is as bad as seems to be, how much $ are we talking about here? and has the friends D looked into options?</p>
<p>Either the roomie is doing bad stuff and they should get D out of there OR roomie isn’t doing such bad stuff and parents can let it slide</p>
<p>Appears the parents and the girl DON"T take it too seriously, because they are making excuses</p>
<p>yes money is an issue, but if it is bad and enabling as is coming across, and this girl has a history of being stupid enough to get caught, then the D can get caught up in all that drama…</p>
<p>Why did they even agree to have this girl as a roommate given her history, which doesn’t seem to be much of a secret?</p>
<p>What does the D want to do? Does she want to try to work something out with the roommate. For example if the girl does testing and treatment she would be willing to continue the living arrangement? If under no terms can she see living with this girl she should contact the landlord and see what the terms are for breaking the lease.</p>
<p>Concur w/the above–she should try to move out. Confronting/suggesting counseling/etc. is just prolonging the possible risk that something bad could happen to the non-drug-using roommate. This list of things is really extensive, if the roommate is using, & using in the apartment (strong, potential criminal liability for non-using roommate, potential problems from possible drug associates [dealers, other users, etc.], stealing by user, unreasonable behavior by user that could put roomate at risk). </p>
<p>There’s really no upside to remaining in that situation…would seem advisable to find other arrangements asap.</p>
<p>This would create a huge problem for everyone in that apartment. I agree that she should move out.</p>
<p>First, find out if it is true. Confront the roommate directly but calmly. If it is true, move out ASAP and find a way to establish proof beforehand that this was a new situation to you.</p>
<p>Roomie admits she’s using, says she knows she needs to stop and then says people at the school are trying to steal her personality. This sounds possibly psychotic to me, whether drug induced or otherwise (I’ve seen PCP laced pot precipitate psychosis). Friend’s D has called roomie’s parents and is leaving for the weekend. My friends didn’t know the scope of the problem until now.</p>
<p>Get a room change immediately even if it means going to the Dean of Students!!! The son of my brother’s neighbor was in this situation and was subject to a police bust. Although he was questioned and cleared he was so traumatized he dropped out the following semester and more than a year later he has still not reenrolled and is working in a manufacturing assembly job.</p>
<p>This isn’t a dorm room; it’s an apt near campus. At this point I’m going to guess roomie might need hospitalization.</p>
<p>bethie, now your friend’s D really needs some specialized adult help. </p>
<p>1) Until she does get out of the lease and move, she needs advice on how to protect herself and her property. This has turned from a “what’s my liability” situation into a “what’s my risk” situation. Campus security should be consulted. If she doesn’t want to go that route, she should call Narc-Anon. This is a situation that they’ve seen hundreds of times before and will be willing to advise her.</p>
<p>If she leaves the apartment, does she have somewhere to go temporarily? And can she rent a storage unit for her stuff? Her safety’s more important than possibly being stuck with paying rent on a place she doesn’t live in.</p>
<p>2) Regarding the lease: Most state and local bar associations have free consultation services, like a drop-in “Ask a Lawyer” or a phone hotline. If her university has a law school, there are generally student-run legal clinics, supervised by licensed lawyers, that give advice free of charge. Or she could call Legal Aid, or even pay for an hour or two of legal advice on how to get out of the lease. And an attorney who specializes in landlord-tenant work may also have suggestions on the best way to keep herself safe - they’ve also seen this before.</p>
<p>I hate to sound harsh, but whether roomie needs hospitalization can’t be your friend’s d’s primary concern here. First she needs to get out and secure her own safety. Then she can worry about and maybe help roomie.</p>
<p>Best of luck to her and your friend!</p>
<p>My husband mentioned campus security too and I suggested that to my friend, but would they get involved in something off-campus? I totally agree it’s not friend’s d who should be worrying about roomie’s hospitalization. I’m imagining roomie’s parents will deal with that if it’s needed.</p>
<p>In the past, it was assumed that anyone in the house might be using drugs. But now with drug testing available, wouldn’t they rely more on that to determine who was actually using the drugs?</p>
<p>but the roommate could accuse the friend’s daughter of dealing the stuff, while not actually using.</p>
<p>When I was right out of college, three of us were in a 2-bedroom apt. Two of us spent most nights at our boyfriend’s places, so the one girl basically had the apt. to herself. Over time, while we knew she was smoking pot (ahem… she wasn’t the only one), after she’d enjoy her munchies, she’d purge regularly. It was clear she had some problems and we had to put our foot down, and asked her to move out, and gave her a week’s notice. </p>
<p>She decided to leave us a ‘present’ before leaving - by covering clothes and shoes in our closets and dresser drawers with mustard, pickle juice, and ketchup (also took about $50/cash). The most hurtful, was she took my portfolio I’d built up from college classes working on my public relations degree, that I’d stored under my bed in a storage bin. She absolutely knew what she was doing to hurt us most. I and the remaining roommate were within two months of relocating to other states far away, and she knew if we filed charges, it would require trips back to the area for court, and neither one of us could really afford it. So although we did file charges, just to leave her wandering, since I knew where she worked (and of course she left no information as to where she was moving to), the police had to talk to her at her place of employment, which we hoped would at least be sufficiently embarassing.</p>
<p>The point is, when you have a roommate using drugs, who also has mental health issues, be very, very careful in how you deal with it… take lots of precautions to protect your valuables, because if you tick them off enough, you could be in for more than you bargained for.</p>
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<p>Good point.</p>
<p>For those who responded, would you feel the same way (move out, get a different roommate, etc) if it were pot instead of coke? (being that pot is a lesser offense, I would presume.)</p>
<p>It seems that would be difficult, since pot use is so rampant.</p>
<p>DO NOT flush someone’s drugs because there is tremendous risk that they will react violently. Perhaps locating a stash in the apartment and then calling the police to report it and giving them permission to conduct a thorough search for more drugs would be the best way to go. By reporting the drugs to the authorities there is minimal risk that the innocent will be legally accused of anything, and a drug charge will likely result in the academic dismissal of the owner of the drugs and s/he will probably choose to move out of the apartment.</p>
<p>My friend convinced her D not to go back to the apt, but to stay with a friend until something gets settled. Roomie’s Mom seems to understand the depth of the problem, but the Dad thinks she can “stick it out” for the last three weeks of the semester. It sounds to me like this girl needs major adult supervision, rehab and maybe hospitalization. Wouldn’t the school want to know if one of their students was in such a risky state? Should my friends call the Dean of Students if the girl’s parents won’t?</p>
<p>My son’s roommate turned out to not be a student and was conducting drug transactions. He also had weapons and refused to lock the door, disrespecting our son’s safety and property. We reported him to the manager (it was not a dorm) and they said he could stay provided he cleaned up. It was already a 2nd offense so what good was that? We got our son out of there. It was a MAJOR hassle moving him 2 days before school started, and it has cost us a lot more $$. But letting him stay in that environment was just not an option.</p>
<p>A little pot, eh, that’s everywhere. I wouldn’t freak out and move my kid if there was a little weed found or if the roomie was seen doing a line of coke at a party. But dealing pot, that’s different. Having a stash of other drugs (or a large stash of pot), that’s different. And, drug transactions + drug use + disrespect = bad combination. Then if weapons and/or mental instability are added to the equation, it becomes even more critical that the student be removed from the situation, no matter how costly or inconvenient it is. You just really have to weigh it all out and use some common sense.</p>