<p>Haha these are funny:</p>
<p>“Can you spare some change?” a beggar asks a passerby.
“No, I know youre going to spend it all on vodka.”
“No, sir, I dont drink.”
“Then youll gamble it away.”
“No, I dont gamble either, sir.”
“Well then, youre going to spend it on women.”
“No, sir, I dont spend money on women.”
“Okay,” the passerby finally agrees, finally. “Im going to give you 100 rubles, if you come with me. I want to show my wife an example of what can happen to a man who has no bad habits.”</p>
<p>A group of children is playing outdoors:
“I have a sister and each of us has her own room,” one girl says.
“I have two sisters and one brother, and each of us has a bike,” a boy brags.
“Well, there are eight children in my family,” another girl says, “and each one of us has his or her own father!”</p>
<p>A father is having a problem getting his five-year-old daughter to fall asleep. Finally, she suggests, “Daddy, why dont you just whisper something into my ear the way you do with Mommy?”
The father does just that, and the daughter falls asleep murmuring, “No, not tonight, honey; Im so tired.”</p>
<p>“So, Kolya, how do you like your new mother?” a newly remarried father asks his little son.
“You know, Daddy,” the boy replies sadly, “I think they fooled us; she doesnt look new at all!”</p>
<p>“Last time I came home, I was so drunk my own children didnt recognize me.”
“What happened after you sobered up?”
“Well, once I was sober enough, I realized I was in the wrong house.”</p>
<p>A Russian and an American die and they both go to hell. Satan asks them, “Which hell do you prefer, the Russian or American?”
“Whats the difference?” the Russian asks.
“In the American hell, you will be forced to eat one bucket of waste every day; in the Russian, two,” Satan explains.
The American decides to go to the American hell. The Russian, being a patriot, chooses the Russian hell.
One year later the two men run into one another. “Hows life?” the Russian asks.
“Cant complain,” the American answers. “I eat one bucket of waste every morning, and then Im free for the rest of the day. What about you?”
“It couldnt be better!” the Russian explains. “Just like back on earth! Theyre either late with waste deliveries, or theyre having bucket shortages.”</p>
<p>A tourist in Moscow asks a well-endowed woman whos standing near a hotel entrance, “Do you speak English?”
“A little,” she says, smiling.
“How little?” he asks.
“Two hundred dollars
”.</p>
<p>A student is floundering during an exam. “Your mind is like a desert, sir,” the professor tells him in frustration.
“Every desert has an oasis, professor,” the student replies. “But not every camel is able to find it.”</p>
<p>“Dad,” a teenaged girl says, running into her fathers den, “Id like to kiss you good-bye before I go to school!”
“Youre too late, honey. Your mother just did that two minutes ago, and I dont have any cash left on me.”</p>
<p>“Who is this handsome man?” the little boy asks his mother, pointing at the picture of an athletic young man with a full head of dark, wavy hair.
“Thats your father,” his mother says.
“Then who is that fat, bald man who lives with us?”</p>
<p>A Soviet judge walks out of the courtroom, barely managing to suppress his wild laughter.
A colleague asks, “What is it youre laughing about?”
“Well, I just heard a great joke,” the judge says.
“A joke? Tell me!”
“Are you crazy? I just sentenced a man to five years for that joke!”</p>