s/o "The rules of the game"

Parents Forum
1

<p>I’m a parent of a HS class of 2017 student (aka and eighth grader), so I was reading this thread with interest: <a href=“http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/parents-forum/1483152-2017-parent-seeking-advice-experienced-parents.html[/url]”>http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/parents-forum/1483152-2017-parent-seeking-advice-experienced-parents.html&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;

<p>I came across the following post:</p>

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<p>I could really see this advice working for my family, but I’m curious:</p>

<p>1) Do other people think this is good advice?</p>

<p>and </p>

<p>2) If you did explain the “rules of the game” to your kid, what were they?</p>

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<p>CJ - I would think that parental advice would depend on each student’s situation. Some students get competent guidance at their HS … some don’t. Some are self-directed hard workers … some aren’t. With several to educate, merit scholarships were an important issue for our family. In 9th Grade we told each of our students that we’d pay for the State Flagship, but if they wanted something “more” they’d have to get exemplary grades and scores. Rule? Guidance? Truth? We considered it simple common sense.</p>

3

<p>I don’t think it’s bad advice, though you run the risk of making the child feel under too much pressure.</p>

<p>We did have the kids look at a copy of the Common Application junior year and see if there were any holes they’d want to consider filling. (Work experience, community service, awards etc.)</p>

4

<p>^^
I agree. The “talk” worked with S09, but backfired with D15. In hindsight, I did not take D’s need for perfectionism into consideration. As I found out, D15 is one that if not perfect in her eyes, deflates. So, tread lightly. Too much pressure may end with an opposite result than you seek.</p>

5

<p>NewHope put into words exactly what I was too tired to articulate last night. My older D applied to both privates and state U’s that matched her stats and interests, with the understanding that her paternal grandmother’s trust would cover all of a state U or most of a private. She had fair guidance help at her large public school and got into all where she applied. She did not try for “top tier” but knew what it took should she aim there.</p>

<p>Younger D is at a very small public with a college counselor onsite FT, who will literally walk each kid through the steps needed to apply wherever they wish, and helps them find scholarships to fund it. Test prep is offered for free, parent workshops are offered. It’s no wonder that every senior in the first two graduating classes has a string of college acceptances, despite half of them being first in their families to go. </p>

<p>So the “rules” are different even within my own family. And younger D’s needs and interests are completely different from her sisters. There’s really no comparison. So to look at the larger picture, to me that means there is no one set of rules anywhere. I talk to my own kids based on their own situations.</p>

<p>Forgot to add-younger D is my child from a second husband-no trust to cover anything. So the finances are different as well.</p>

6

<p>I posted the advice that’s quoted by the OP. If you read my original post in context, you’ll know that I was talking about admission to tippy-top schools. Given the admission rates, nobody can guarantee admission no matter what they do. I’m not suggesting otherwise. However, there are things you can do which boost the odds and knowing about them can help. </p>

<p>To get an idea of what they are, read some of the excellent books about admissions.It’s not possible to list all the rules here. Then figure out what advice from them applies to your child and let your child know about it. Again, as I said, in most cases, it’s up to your child to decide whether or not to do them. </p>

<p>For example, almost every guide book will tell you that your kid needs a “passion.” My kid was an 8th grader without one. I told my kid that colleges wanted to see you do something in depth, not participate in a gazillion clubs. Thus, I made my kid pick a “core” EC for high school. No matter what happened, I would not allow my kid to drop it. (Obviously, in some circumstances, I would have, but going in, I told my kid you HAVE to do one thing for 4 years. You can do other things too, but you have to do ONE thing for four years.) I let my kid choose the EC. Up to that point, my kid tended to join clubs kid’s friends joined. That changed when I said you can’t quit. Kid really investigated ECs offered by the high school very thoroughly and chose one that sounded interesting–not based on who was in it, but for its own sake. I really doubt my kid would have spent the same time and energy investigating all the various EC options if I hadn’t laid down an ultimatum. (Yes, some of friends’ parents who heard about this thought I was nuts. )</p>

<p>Within a few months, the EC WAS my kid’s passion–to the extent that it was a bit of a problem!!! I can’t tell you how important it has been in my kid’s life. </p>

<p>Now, you can say I should have allowed my kid to explore interests and ECs without forcing the issue. I have no regrets. More importantly, my kid has no regrets. I suspect that my kid would never have discovered this passion without my prodding. Instead, kid would have joined a bunch of clubs in 9th grade and chosen which to join based on the ones kid’s friends with joining. None of those friends joined the EC that became my kid’s passion. </p>

<p>My kid understood the reasoning. If I had just insisted that kid pick an EC for four years without explaining that’s what top colleges want, I don’t think it would have worked. Instead, my kid understood going into 9th grade that the top colleges prefer to see depth in an EC rather than a smattering of clubs and if kid wanted a shot at those schools, kid needed to have that kind of focus.</p>

<p>There are kids who develop a passion without any parental prodding. Many of those kids have one by 8th grade. So, there isn’t a need for parents to lay down this rule for them. And there are undoubtedly kids from Wyoming and Utah who got in with a list of ECs consisting primarily of membership in a gazillion school clubs. But for a white, non-legacy, non-recruited athlete from the Boston to DC corridor,with 2 college educated parents I think playing the game by focusing on one EC–albeit with several other less intensive ones–helped.</p>

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<p>I think for me, the part of the advice that was most sage was the part about letting them decide whether or not to play. This can be really hard for me. Here’s an example:</p>

<p>Last summer, my son spent 2 8 hour days volunteering at teacher inservices. He got dressed in nice clothes, walked a couple miles in the heat each way each day, and spent the day showing people around, setting up chairs, handing out boxed lunches etc . . . He did well enough the first day that he was invited back for the second day. This was his own choice. All I did was forward him an email from the parent listserve one day when he was complaining he was bored. When I asked him why he told me that he likes teachers, and wants to help them. </p>

<p>After all that? He couldn’t be bothered to turn in the forms to get the 16 hours of community service credit. He carried the form back and forth in his backpack for weeks, until he missed the deadline. During that time he must have passed the front office 50 times. This drove me nuts. Now, I could have driven him to school, and turned in the form myself, or scanned it an emailed it in, but I wanted him to have ownership of the process. Clearly he did, and he got what he wanted to get out of the process. I’m still not sure why he couldn’t get what he wanted out of the process, and still turn in the form.</p>

<p>Rather than nagging him, I could see sitting him down and explaining to him why documented community service hours can be important. You might want them for an NHS application, or a college application, or a job application down the road. Those community service hours might, one day, make a difference in something that you want. And once I’ve given that message, backing off.</p>

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<p>We learned the game mostly as we went along. I found that we had to our kid be a kid while working behind the scenes to support her effort with enrichment opportunities, pep talks and strategy discussions.</p>

<p>It’s not easy but many rules of the game involve not being a screw up. One can make mistakes but don’t be a screw up. No lewd pics on the Internet or texts. We don’t want that anyway but think of the permanent impression that makes? Etcetera, etcetera.</p>