Sad Dad Had Bad--Nite

Parents Forum
1

<p>Having a weird night. Usually sleep like a log. But starting today, I’ve gotten pretty low due to the fact my kid is about to leave us for college. Can’t sleep.</p>

<p>She got these two really amazing letters from two great schools. One even had a handwritten note from an admissions director telling her that her essays were “magnificent”. Of course normally I’d have been really glowing with pride from something like that. And I am, in a way. But when my kid sat down and started rearranging her schedule to try visiting the schools, I suddenly realized this stuff is really about to happen. She is really gonna be leaving. Now, all I am seeing is an end of all those happy, happy times-- so many truly, TRULY happy and blessed years.</p>

<p>Yeah, yeah. “Its not ending, just different”. Well, it IS ending, and try as I might, I don’t see any real way to get around it.</p>

<p>I just know other parents have to have gone through this-- at least I sure hope they have. I’m wondering how was it when you finally gave the last hug and said goodbye. I won’t cry or anything like that when my turn comes, at least not in public. But I won’t in the least be a happy camper.</p>

<p>What did yall do to make the final doom go a little— SMOOTHER?</p>

2

<p>You have to look at it as wonderful adventure and the joy you will have watching your daughter turn into an adult.</p>

3

<p>I have been going through the same thing lately. We were driving back from a day at the school S probably is going to attend, when it hit me. He is leaving. There will be phone calls, visits( driving distance!!!) , but he is going to lead completely new life, adult(!!!) life. So I was driving, and crying, and (I guess) scared S, because he told me all sorts of really nice things trying to make me feel better. And I felt better. For a while. :-)</p>

4

<p>I also have been having similar feelings. Nobody leaving for college this year (one more year, then empty nest.) But we are moving to the US this summer after 3 years in Germany. When we came here, we had a S in college, and 2 kids in HS. When we go home, my youngest will be a senior. I am aware that our US “home” will not be MY house for 2 of my kids anymore. Whenever they are there in the future, they will be visitors. In the 3 years we’ve been here, a kid graduated college and went out on his own. A kid graduated HS and moved to NYC. My mother became seriously ill. She recovered just as my father was diagnosed with cancer and died. My sister got married. My H’s cousin died. Our neighbors next door, across the street, and behind us have all moved, and we haven’t even met the new folks. We are NOT going back to what we left, we are going to something we’ve never had before. </p>

<p>My mother is coping with being single after 51 years of marriage. She says it is “reinventing” herself. I think that is what I must do as well. I am trying not to focus on what I have lost, but on what I will become. It’s not easy.</p>

5

<p>Remember, as parents, this is what we have been preparing our kids for their entire lives. While having a buddy around to make us feel special is nice, in order for them to achieve independence and personal fulfillment, they need to go out into the cold cruel world themselves and prove that they can make it. They will stumble and call, and when it’s all done they will return and hopefully say, “Dad, you were right, thanks”… what a great reward to look forward to.</p>

6

<p>I managed to stave off what OP is feeling until after I got home from drop-off in August of last year…then, it hit me–the worst (prepare to laugh) was the first time I did a load of laundrey and there was nothing of S’s in it…I just broke down and sobbed my heart out…that actually helped; I guess it was cathartic…anyway, all I can say is “time heals.” All those “tricks” (we did a great job; he’s/she’s supposed to be strong & independent; we still love and are close to one another) start to “feel” real instead of being intellectualisms…and I did get used to the new order of things. I still miss the days of the full-time job of parenting my young child…but I like my life the way it is now, too…I still miss my S acutely, but I’m so happy to see him thriving as he is…</p>

<p>Bottom line for me: try very hard to hold it off til after your D leaves–you don’t want to spoil her last few months at home w/you, and you do want her to be excited and forward-looking…but once she’s gone off to school, let yourself cry and moan and mope…you’ll get it out of your system and then all those feelings will become manageable and while still there, won’t interfere w/your ability to find joy in whatever your new life w/D not-in-residence looks like! And oh how you will LOVE those breaks when she comes home! I know I do…</p>

7

<p>hasn’t she always been disappearing before your eyes? Look at the photos,…her face lit from beneath by birthday cake candles, or hugging some stuffed animal which may or may not have transformed into a boyfriend, or just remember how her voice was high-pitched and singsong with questions once upon a time,…but now she, somehow the container of those lost physical selves, is taking that team away and you will not be able to gaze anymore in wonderment(when you believe she is not looking but she glances over and smiles) because you see the end of the thousand connections known only within each family,…all good reasons to wake up in the middle of the night. As you will once she is no more sleeping under your roof and your active mind begins to invent disasterous consequences.</p>

<p>But your faith will sustain you as it always has. You might cry and surprise yourself with sudden tears in the week before she leaves and then once she’s off, make notches on some secluded wall, counting like a prisoner the days before her first visit home,…but I hope you will also have an experience similar to mine, discovering that all the kinds of distance are mostly mental and that you really and vividly feel the unbreakable connection in your heart, a closeness that defies the physical, that needs only an occasional visit from the beloved to reassure the eye that in all the changes the most important certainty of love contains and even strengthens all experience.</p>

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<p>could you share with us what her essays were about, since someone took the time to handwrite comments they must have been pretty darn good!! just curious…where is she going to school? i know my parents are pretty bummed too, can’t believe i am leaving in a few months, i guess because i am so excited and ready to start this phase though they are putting on a smiley face!</p>

9

<p>Just a thought to add to all the previous poster’s eloquent comments and experiences. Try to arrange a family dinner or simply a personally meaningful family outing to mark the joy and happiness your d brings to your lives before “D-day”. You can (mentally) say your good-bye then. There will undoubtedly be hugs and that last “good-bye” at the dorm – but with move in and the start of Orientation activities you will all get caught up in a whirlwind of activities - most of them aimed to make the clean break “easier” for us. All the while, you will undoubtedly be continually admonished not to be a “helicopter parent”. No matter what our style of parenting or hovering, ultimately, all we can do is rejoice and accept this new stage in our offspring’s life. Oh, and don’t worry – you will get phone calls. The adventure begins!</p>

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<p>You raise them, and then you let them go.</p>

11

<p>Drosselmeier,</p>

<p>Like you, I’m a homeschooling parent of 8 children and it was very hard to have my daughter leave for school last fall. Knowing that our family was never going to be the same again was heart wrenching. I have 3 pieces of advice:</p>

<p>1) Make the most of the remaining time that you have with her and continue to build the relationships within the family and create great memories.</p>

<p>2) Share how you’re feeling in a letter that you give to her when she leaves for school. This is also a great time to reinforce the most important truths that you want her to always remember.</p>

<p>3) Get a web cam for her and for you. This is so much better than phone conversations, and it’s the best substitute for seeing your dear one face-to-face.</p>

<p>It is exciting to see my daughter jumping into her new environment and loving it, and I’m sure it will be same for your daughter. Now I’m hoping that the second one will be easier!</p>

12

<p>D,</p>

<p>It is not easy, and the 2 of you will go through a lot of emotions between now and the time for her to leave. But as other parents have said, we have been preparing them for this moment their whole lives.</p>

<p>while on the one hand you will be a little sad of what once was, at the same time your heart will be full as to the prospects of what the future holds. All of the memories come flooding back to the first time she was placed in your arms and you said to yourself, “I don’t know the first thing about raising kids.” You remember the all of the first: her first steps, tooth, smile, laugh and birthdays and the excitement you felt on these occasions. </p>

<p>You laugh about all of the oops moments you had as a parent and you’re grateful that she still loves you anyway.</p>

<p>This my friend is just another first, your baby, little girl is on the cusp of going out into the world crafting her own life and growing into her womanhood. You still have the same feelings of excitement and hope for the future you had the day she was born is still there, except now it is coming to fruition.</p>

<p>It is at these times I am reminded about the story of Charlotte"s Web when Charlotte entrusts Wilbur with her egg sack and says “this is my best work”. Take pride in the fact that you did do your best work in raising her, you stood the course, remained faithful and she is reaping the rewards. You have given her roots, so that she will always be grounded in who she is no matter how far away she go, and wings so that she can fly.</p>

<p>If you don’t already have it, give her a copy of The Places You’ll Go by Dr. Seuss as there is a lot of wisdom in those rhyming words. If you already have it, the 2 of you sit down and enjoy reading it again (now she knows all the words :)</p>

<p>*Congratulations!
Today is your day.
You’re off to Great Places!
You’re off and away!</p>

<p>You have brains in your head.
You have feet in your shoes
You can steer yourself
any direction you choose.
You’re on your own. And you know what you know.
And YOU are the guy who’ll decide where to go.</p>

<p>You won’t lag behind, because you’ll have the speed.
You’ll pass the whole gang and you’ll soon take the lead.
Wherever you fly, you’ll be the best of the best.
Wherever you go, you will top all the rest.</p>

<p>You’ll get mixed up, of course,
as you already know.
You’ll get mixed up
with many strange birds as you go.
So be sure when you step.
Step with care and great tact
and remember that Life’s
a Great Balancing Act.
Just never forget to be dexterous and deft.
And never mix up your right foot with your left.</p>

<p>And will you succeed?
Yes! You will, indeed!
(98 and 3/4 percent guaranteed.)</p>

<p>KID, YOU’LL MOVE MOUNTAINS!
*</p>

<p>So to you D, well done, well done</p>

13

<p>Here I am with a lump in my throat and tears running down my cheeks…</p>

<p>I’m buying that book for graduation! </p>

<p>K</p>

14

<p>Oh Dad, Poor Dad, Daughter’s hung you in the closet and you’re feeling so sad…</p>

<p>j/k, but I think that some of the sadness on Dad’s part is feeling less needed than before (although the $$$ will certainly be needed). One of my chief sadnesses was the fact that I wouldn’t be around to participate with S’s successes in school and ECs. The successes continue for him, but Dad can’t be there to kvell like he used to.</p>

15

<p>Thank you sybbie. I’m choked up and can barely type.</p>

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<p>Drosselmeier~</p>

<p>I know that “awake at night” feeling sooooooooooooo well. In fact, I don’t think I slept for the entire month of April last year as my son was finalizing a very difficult college choice.</p>

<p>As a mom of many, I can so relate to what you are feeling…not only will YOU be missing your D, but your entire family will be missing someone so very crucial to it…this is not only a parent’s issue, but siblings’ ones as well.</p>

<p>Being the overwhelmingly emotional person that I am, I HAD to literally stop myself from “going there” too often. I would find myself completely overwhelmed and just WALLOWING in sadness. So, I tried to balance those thoughts with the considerable logistical elements of sending my son 1250 miles away from home. I have to admit that that DID help–busying myself with plans.</p>

<p>I did have one majorly meltdown moment as we hugged and kissed our son goodbye at his dorm. It was painful, yes, but also cathartic.</p>

<p>I can tell you this…and coming from me, this means something…the anticipation of that moment WAS worse than the moment itself. The contemplation, the worry, the inevitable doubt, the sadness…they will ebb as you see your precious child fulfilling such a long-sought after dream. I promise. We brought out son home as often as we could this first year, and it helped a great deal. If you can manage that, I would highly suggest it…I think it made the transition easier for all of us.</p>

<p>And now, if you can believe it, we are SO looking forward to his return from his first year away in only a matter of weeks…I honestly can’t believe I made it through this, and if <em>I</em> can, YOU can too!</p>

<p>{{{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}}</p>

<p>And now, I will leave you with MY absolute favorite piece that is relevant to this discussion…Rod Stewart’s “Forever Young.”</p>

<p>

</p>

<p>love, ~berurah</p>

17

<p>Drosselmeier,
what you are feeling is normal…my favorite expression is “having a child means to forever have your heart walk around outside your body” we love them, they love us…but, they are forging their independence. I am the mom…in our home, dad was hit really hard once we were back from dropping S#1 off at school, for me, our child was mentally off and running the moment he was done bringing stuff in to the room from the car, he had mentally said goodbye, and we hadn’t even begun to prepare for the final hugs. I was “angry” that he was already dismissing us, while at the same time I knew that I too would be tremendously distracted by all the new surroundings, so, don’t wait to say a heartfelt “goodbye” in front of everyone at the school…try and do some of that before you leave home to avoid the real sadness at the last minute. </p>

<p>Soon we go to pick him up at the end of soph year…the time has passed…sometimes quickly, sometimes it seems to drag… our home/family dynamics is different without our oldest around…but we have all enjoyed new things in our life as a result of having our oldest away… we enjoy parents weekend…the museums and restaurants in the new city… the phone conversations for us are fewer than many of the other parents here, but just as sweet when they happen. You need to refocus your energy… your own parents perhaps? a garden redo? community something, ie local library? new exercise routine? Consider pulling together a reading list of some of your favorite books for you and your D to share this summer…pleasure reading? </p>

<p>Just understand you are not alone…and it is not easy for a dad to handle the sense of loss…and many just are not prepared for the hole in their day to day that a child filled… it is a great tribute to the love you feel for your D… trust in it…and know that her 24 or 25 year old eyes will want to see more of mom and dad then her 18/19 yr old eyes. That is how it worked for me…and that is what I have seen with my summer sitters and others who have been out of college for a few years. Best wishes for a joyful summer and some re****l sleep. (Tylenol PM or Nyquil are great ways to “sleep” if it becomes a bit of a tussle every nite…)</p>

18

<p>Remember the old saying “you’re not losing a daughter, you’re gaining a son” about marriage?</p>

<p>I look at it that way. It’s going to happen, in fact we want it to happen, so instead of seeing it as a loss, think of it as enlarging your own world. No matter how big or small your world is, you get to add your child’s college experience to it. I don’t mean this in a scary, overinvolved way, but I’ve really enjoyed getting to know a place (through parent weekends) I’d never been to, meeting s’s friends, even profs, seeing plays, concerts, athletic events on those weekends. It has increased my knowledge of the world and I’m happy to see my s. happy. The other thing you can do is get a dog - they NEVER leave home and remain childish their entire lives, don’t watch t.v. you don’t approve of, never learn to drive and seldom require orthodontia or contact lenses. Obedience school costs but nothing like that other tuition payment.</p>

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<p>Like berurah said, the anticipation of S leaving was far worse than the actual day of departure or the months that have followed. It does get easier. </p>

<p>But I know what you mean about those happy, happy times. Some children are such a breath of life and joy that it hurts horribly to imagine their absence. I’ve got one child left at home and she just got her driver’s license three days ago. She backed out of our driveway that first time alone and waved that little wave she’s been giving me since she was a baby, and I just melted. How did that happen? It has forced me to confront the fact that my time with her home is quickly drawing to a close, too. I can hardly bear it and have been moping around all week (even thought it’s over two years away!). I’m just not ready to be “done” with parenting, I guess. It’s been the hardest and most gratifying and joyful thing I’ve ever experienced, and my H and I have been so blessed by these two wonderful young people. Everything else I do or even consider doing pales in comparison to raising these two kids. What’s the second act, I want to know?</p>

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<p>Drosselmeier,</p>

<p>The sad feelings will pass. We were in similar situation when our only son went from a warm place to (almost) a north pole few thousand miles away, and medically he is a high maintenance child with severe food allergies, but when I hear his successes, ability to fit the environment, and just being happy - my chest grows by few inches.</p>

<p>It is not that bad - we talk every day.</p>