<p>Zoos- it is disappointing on some level to see a kid who can qualify for and gain admittance to a special, unusual, different school end up going to the local, ordinary school that so many of her friends attend…I am not sure if that CUNY is that for you, but my oldest came to the college thing too soon, CC was not mature and we did not know, so she ended up at the one and only UC she tossed casually into her list as a financial safety, everything else was private and profile. We, too, despite our attempts did not know the questions to ask, did not find FAFSA only privates with merit, did not steer her well. In fairness to me, I am not sure she would have accepted much steering, but we could have been clearer on the finaid expectations and forced her to add some middle ground choices. I still feel a bit guilty. it was never the right school for DD, but she stuck it out, did not love it, made the acquaintance of a prof who is well known in his field, which is now DDs field at a school she would not have looked at in HS- not ranked highly enough, but at which she is having a great time in grad school, thriving and loving it. SO, they do find their place, even when it is not perfect.</p>
<p>And so many people who give you the high points- the Christmas letter I call it- are leaving out the low points. They all have ups & downs, it just sounds like the other kids are having more fun :D</p>
<p>No need for sadness. Many kids’ first attempt at college don’t work out. When plans fail it’s simply time make a new and better plan and redouble your efforts. Your daughter realizes this and is already on to Plan B.</p>
<p>"**I agree hindsight is 20/20. Sometimes life just turn differently from what we planned. We let our son go into the wrong major - it was his interest but he has no ability. Now at age 21 he is going to start all over again.</p>
<p>At that time we thought we’ll let him make some decisions and pursue his choices, part of being an adult and all that, turns out it was the wrong call and parents do know best."**</p>
<p>This is a bit upsetting to me. My D might have some ability in the science major she is picking, but I think she’s just grabbing on to some major without really thinking about it. She spends all her time writing, just plots and then does it again, never finishes a tale, just beginnings. Still, it’s not doing science, and it would seem to me that you should be showing some outside interest in whatever is going to be your major.</p>
<p>I was going to just let her try, and see what happens, but I don’t want to be writing that at 21, she is going to be starting all over again. </p>
<p>I am going to have to have a serious talk with her this fall, her last year in high school, I can see now. Thank you to the poster who wrote the above.</p>
<p>I majored in something I had no aptitude for or interest in. (Nursing.) My reasons were that my parents negated everything I expressed interest in, so I finally just let them pick. Sure, if I had to do it over again, I’d go a different path. But, as a poster already pointed out, who is to say that another road would have been smoother? My sister has her masters in Engineering – and judges gymnastics. A college degree very often does not dictate what you do the rest of your life. At least your student has the opportunity to change gears and redirect while still young! And you get lots of credit for allowing her to do so.</p>
<p>ZM–Any parents can feel like they blew it. Despite four degrees between the two of us, H and I had one kid transfer after a miserable first year, and one kid, well, you know the basics by now–leaving a very, very good university mid-senior year, now home working, putting himself back together. My H said he felt from the beginning that it was the wrong school for S, but suppressed his concerns in the face of everyone else’s sureness. I’d like to go back and change all that, but of course, I can’t.</p>
<p>None of us is totally capable of seeing what will turn out to be right, and wrong, and of always asking the right questions and getting all the facts. We do the best we can. As did you.</p>
<p>I get what you are feeling. I was very, very sad the day S came home last winter. But, he is undoubtedly a happier, more relaxed young man. Relatives who saw him this summer remarked on the positive changes they saw in him–more open, more mature, more confident.</p>
<p>I still mourn the future I had expected. But, he is healthy, working, and a fine human being. Your D sounds totally in control of her life and future–she will go far. Let’s together try to stop beating up on ourselves (tough for parents to do, I know!)</p>
<p>On our vacation we just listened to the audiobook of “iWoz”–the life story of Steven Wozniak, co-founder of Apple with Steven Jobs.</p>
<p>Woz was brilliant but actually did his college work at 3 different places…and never did get a degree. He started at Colorado in Boulder, then transferred to community college as a much less expensive sopho year, then worked for a year, then went to Berkley for a year, then worked for HP, then built his own computer and called it the Apple…then built a whole bunch more of them…</p>
<p>Zoosermom, I wouldn’t have anticipated those issues either and I even have a mother who went back to finish a degree in education when I was in junior high. I certainly wouldn’t have made plans for my daughter being sick and we encouraged our son to skip all the easy classes too. (And the story of my mother’s education - she came from a college educated family too - is also quite a saga: a semester at Bryn Mawr, a year at Radcliffe, a year at Northwestern, many, many years as a SAHM and then finally a degree - in a new major from American.)</p>
No, he’s not. He may be changing focus, changing careers, whatever, but he he is not “starting all over again.” Knowledge and experience is never wasted; it colors who he is today. If he had chosen this path at 18, who’s to say he would have succeeded in it back then? He is not the same man today as he was at 18. </p>
<p>I was pre-med in college (primarily because my parents wanted me to be). Didn’t get into med school; got a master’s in public health with the intention of reapplying. But I took a course in health law, and found I loved it, so instead, I went to law school. When I started college, I could not have ever considered myself in law school. But at 23, I saw life differently. And my prior education (OK, yes, I graduated from the 22nd grade), then colored the rest of my career.</p>
<p>ZM, remember when we were waiting for our kids’ births? What was your greatest hope? Mine was that my baby would be healthy, happy and “normal”. If yours was the same, then hearken back to those thoughts. She’s healthy again. She will be fine. Yes, mourn the “path that didn’t work out”, and then celebrate the path she’s on. As John Lennon said, “Life is what happens when you’re making other plans.” This is life, and as long as she is moving forward, that’s what matters. Who knows - fifteen years from now, she may decide she doesn’t like teaching anymore. Would that make the prior fifteen wasted? No, and the year she spent at the “wrong” school wasn’t wasted either. It’s given her a different perspective, and a maturity that others her age, for whom everything is smooth sailing, probably don’t have. Her resiliency will serve her well.</p>
<p>ZM, don’t beat up on yourself! Even with the most involved, informed parents, students find that a decision they made is not the right one for them. It’s all part of growing, learning and maturing. </p>
<p>My d. graduated with a degree that is not making it easy to find a job. She has asked me why I let her stay with the major and didn’t make her major in something more “useful”. My answer was that first of all, how do you “make” a kid do something at that age. Second, it was her life, her choice and who was I to make a decision like that that she might resent later. </p>
<p>Chedva, my son is also 21 and though he enjoys school, he has yet to really grasp onto a definite career choice. What he thought he wanted so desperately at 18, now doesn’t hold the appeal—so he is looking for that magic class that will make it all clear.</p>
<p>I want to clarify our situation a little, my s had learning disabilities that we did not understood fully at that time. So what happened with us may not be common or relevant to you. At that time we thought he would/should "mature’ out, take charge of his life. What we subsequently found out was that he had NVLD - with one primary trait manifested as an inability to learn math and another in executive functioning (manifested as disorganization and lack of foresight). He was moderately gifted with an IQ of 140, so he grad HS with a 3.5 unweighted and 4.3 weighted from a very good high school, good enough for a small scholarship in Biomedical engineering. Needless to say, he failed his first year. After a year of tests where we got the dx and remedial tutoring & therapy with various experts he then attended a specialist school where he worked on his deficits. </p>
<p>Every professional who we consulted later basically asked the same question : with his difficulty in math - why did he choose to go into engineering ? (And we let him). He said he was always interested in the human genome and want to work in the biosciences. No amount of suggestions of alternatives seem to work on him. He is starting over in microbiology this September, I hope he is good enough this time. The sad thing for me is, he is a gifted and talented writer and would have a much easier time pursuing a major if not career in that path or somewhere in the arts, with microbiology or any science major,I worry if he is going to make it, again. :(</p>
<p>munchkin–don’t worry, there is bound to be a square hole to match your square peg. I could see your son writing about or editing a journal on science. Math not required, but a keen interest in the sciences (and writing ability) is!</p>
<p>I have always been fascinated by science and loved reading popular essays on the subject. Could I have gone deeper and majored in anything requiring higher math? Don’t think so. </p>
<p>OTOH, with determination and the help of tutors, your S may surprise you and achieve his dream IN science.</p>
<p>Garland, you must just want to beat your head against the wall sometimes; if you can make it the 2nd half of senior year, why can’t you just finish? Yikes! Parents would not think it would be so hard to go back and take your last few courses.</p>
<p>One of my DDs was stalked by a former-BF and ended up W/D from senior year winter quarter 90% done, but she had to protect her physical safety. We really did not realise how serious things were until the final straw, then we did not know how “messed up” she would be and if she had contributed to the situation, etc. A few years later I can tell you she was able to finish those last courses and is now in grad school. Different reasons for the WD, but she still checked the box on getting her UG degree done.</p>
<p>I think this thread will be theraputic for a lot of us! I feel like we as parents made a lot of mistakes with our son’s high school academics, partly from our own ignorance, partly from the total lack of effective guidance from faculty and counselors. We’ll try to get it right with the younger two kids!</p>
<p>ZM, your comments about schools offering core classes only so often really hits home with me. Son has Asperger’s, so we’re looking for a small school for him. But those are definitely the type of schools that offer core classes only every other year. And Son is definitely the type of student who would screw up and not sign up for a class when he needs to take it. </p>
<p>I think it’s terrific that your daughter has a plan. Sounds like you both have good heads on your shoulders. Now, absolve yourself of all Mommy Guilt and enjoy each other!</p>
<p>thanks mommusic. I had strongly suggested to him to pursue the option you mentioned before, to no avail. It’s like his mind is set and one tracked. I’ll reason with him and he’ll agree it makes sense and 3 weeks later he’s back on his old track. After remediation, he even mentioned he may want to become a MD or Phd in biology. When I first heard that, honestly, I didn’t know whether to laugh or to cry, though I never let on and ask him to just take things one step at a time. Oftentimes I don’t know where his lds begin and immaturity (lack of self awareness) ends. </p>
<p>I will always support him in all ways as much as I can but I have difficulty in determining when to exercise guidance and leadership and even control when necessary. </p>
<p>Sorry I don’t mean to hijack Zmom’s thread.</p>
<p>Just a minor correction to message 27 - Woz ended up going back to school under another name, graduating in 1986. He then went on to teach in a local elementary school…</p>
<p>ZM, I don’t know what the issues in this story are… but my gut tells me Calmom was (as she usually is) totally on the money when she says you’re too hard on yourself. </p>
<p>Just because parents went to college - even the same college as their kids- is no guarantee they can advise their children. School requirements and realities change. I went to a university from which most people graduated in 4 years. Today that same top-ranked school has a tough time offering all the courses kids need to graduate in 4 years due to huge numbers of students and major budget cuts.</p>
<p>It sounds like your D had some tough times. I hope things improve at the new school. Give her all the love and assurance she deserves and comfort her with the fact that millions of students change schools every year – and do just fine.</p>