<p>I live about a 12 hour drive from my parents. I have 6 siblings, three of whom live in town with my parents, one an hour, another 2 hours, the last 5 hours away. They all see each other frequently and get together for family events. I try to make it there once a year for a few days. Sometimes it’s every two years. Sometimes I will fly alone to a special event. (We have 7 kids --which makes traveling a lot of work, and H doesn’t want to use all his vacation visiting in-laws–though he gets along with them well). When I go “home,” I get to see most of my sibs and their kids. My parents visit us every year or two for about three days. In the 14 years we’ve lived away, only two of my sibs have ever come to visit us. I understand that it makes more sense for us to travel because we can see everyone at once, but I’m sorry more of my sibs aren’t interested in seeing the different places we’ve lived–including Hawaii. Now both of my parents have cancer and I am sorry I am not closer–but very happy that my sibs are nearby to help them. H’s parents have both passed on, and he’s not close to his sibs, (5 hours away) though we do email and talk on the phone about family issues (two of his 6 sibs are disabled). The family has been very disconnected, but recently H’s brother suggested a family reunion. We don’t travel for holidays. Like others, we stopped that after the 2nd kid. We wanted them to have their own Christmas traditions at home–though it is sad to be the odd ones out on the extended family festivities. OTOH, we miss the fights and stress, too. I would choose to see my family more often if it weren’t for the long distance.</p>
<p>Holidays are a tough time, like one of the above posters, when we had kids I put my foot down and said Christmas day at my house, no more running back and forth between both sets of parents on one day- they could all come to our home. That was fine when we were all in the same town- later we moved away and my parents followed, so we dealt with my sibs coming and my in laws coming, so had to juggle who had the week before Christmas and who had the week after to keep things on par ;)</p>
<p>I think it is the right thing for the kids to wake up in their own home for Christmas.</p>
<p>atmom & others: It is tough to be the only one far away, I can see how all those living near “home” would think nothing of expecting you to travel to them, it does make sense, but they do not realise how it feels to always be spending your travel time going home and never do anything else, after a while it can get old.</p>
<p>As I said, I love going ‘home’ as it is Arizona, and nothing makes me happier in life than hiking in desert and canyons. But…I’m always struggling with the balance between family, very valued friends and my own outdoor recreation desires. It is my precious vacation time too. Years ago, we all hiked together. Now, less possible, and I hike, but end up with guilt at not giving all to family. Balances are never easy.</p>
<p>“It is tough to be the only one far away, I can see how all those living near “home” would think nothing of expecting you to travel to them, it does make sense, but they do not realise how it feels to always be spending your travel time going home and never do anything else, after a while it can get old.”</p>
<p>I’m one of those people who do live near my folks, whereas my siblings don’t. I definitely see how much of a pain it is to have to spend all their vacations with mom and dad. What I don’t see is… why I have more phone conversations with my parents than they do, even though I see them at least once a week in person? They have nationwide calling plans. No skin off their teeth. My folks have no problem with my siblings not visiting more often. They do, however, wonder why sometimes it’s well over a month in between phone calls. They get so excited when the mail comes and there are pictures of the grandkids. Or a newspaper clipping. Or a silly joke cut out of a magazine. It doesn’t matter- it’s all about the communication. That matters so much more than a weeklong visit once or twice a year.</p>
<p>My mom lives in Florida and we live near Seattle. It’s quite a trek from one end of the country to the other, involving two flights. My sisters also live far away so scheduling family visits is difficult. My mom comes out west once or twice a year, and I have gone to Florida usually once a year. Her husband is a real pill, so my sisters and I aren’t going to stay in their house any more. It makes us nervous about the future (my mother and her hubby are both 77). </p>
<p>She is quite bitter that she didn’t get to know her grandchildren better. The two sisters with children both ended up on the West Coast. I resist the guilt trip on that one.</p>
<p>we have taken the opposite approach for Christmas
Since my oldest was 6 we have been taking a week vacation, about a 7 hour drive, every year from a few days before xmas to a few days after
its wonderful ( we were motivated because the relatives were such a PITA,I may not have gotten the chance to choose my relatives, but I can choose how much time I spend with them)
I don’t feel guilty
well maybe about the dog- although usually we leave her with neighbors and she has a great time</p>
<p>Life is too short. Both my parents died when I was young. If your spouse, or whatever, enjoys visiting their parents so be it. Remember that someday your children will be in a similar position. Will you want your kids to visit you as you get older? We take so many things for granted until it’s gone. Once it’s gone … it’s gone. Make the extra effort.</p>
<p>Which is why I refuse to retire to a warmer climate. I have threee kids in this state. My parents live nearby as do two sisters. Why on earth would I move a thousand miles away to live with complete strangers when I get old?</p>
<p>My in laws did that and then expected us to visit at least once a year. When they had health problems, luckily my SIL lived nearby because that would have been very difficult. My parents live 25 miles from us and it’s already difficult. I’d love to be able to stop by everyday and make sure they are okay. Or stop by when they need something. I can’t imagine how hard that would be if they were in Florida.</p>
<p>^^^ LOL</p>
<p>Oh the irony. Our family has lived in Florida for four generations, and my siblings moved away!<br>
How’s that for going against the tide? :)</p>
<p>At least it’s an easy place to visit… beach, Space Center, Disney, Universal, SeaWorld, snorkeling, kayaking, skiing, surfing…</p>
<p>It’s easy to be a Floridian and wish less people would move here. Too many condo’s on the beach, people complain about having to turn their lights off for the sea turtles or slowing down their yachts for the manatees. Why do we all seem to be so impatient?</p>
<p>Enough of my yammering. Culture, diversity, spice, fun, sun… c’mon down. It really is a great place, can’t blame anyone for wanting to move here! :)</p>
<p>My mom loves, loves, loves Florida! She lived in Michigan all her life, went to Florida for winter visits after retiring and then moved there full-time when the drives back to Mich. and two houses became too much. </p>
<p>She lives in a huge retirement village of manufactured homes (1,000 homes!), very nicely maintained, security, clubhouse, pools, and tons of clubs and activities. She has a huge group of friends there, all retirees. They go to all kinds of events and even trips and cruises together.</p>
<p>Whatever they need done around their house, there are people right there in her park that do it (painting, remodeling, housecleaning, etc.). There’s even a “computer tutor” and a guy to hire to come hang your curtains!</p>
<p>When we relo’d after our family being in the same northeastern town for four generations I look back and realise all over again what a good sport my 80 yr. old widowed mother was at the time. The kids were young, and we took every opportunity, every holiday, to get back to see her, sibs and the in-laws. It was really difficult shipping presents up and carting them back on the plane (“does Santa know we’ll be up at Nana’s this year?”) and never having a family vacation that didn’t involve extended family, but I’m so glad that we made the effort when we did because the in-laws and Mom are all gone now, and we have the memories of time spent together. It all depends on how close someone is to their family, of course, but we were really really close. Anyway, that’s what we did. It goes fast.</p>
<p>We get on a plane the day after Christmas and head up to New England to MIL’s. Sometimes we fly out on Christmas morning! Actually, that’s a lot of fun- we do our Christmas on Christmas eve, then get up and fly out the next day. Makes for an exciting morning, and what a joy to show up at gramma’s in the afternoon, with presents, and the smell of Christmas dinner wafting out of the kitchen, and all the other sisters and brothers with their families… We get to sit down to our “second” Christmas dinner and then afterwards, everyone crowds around the fireplace and exchanges gifts.
Oh, and flying on Christmas morning is awesome! No crowds, plane gets off like clockwork, the entire trip is smooth sailing.</p>
<p>We have spent many Christmas mornings driving 7 hours to the coast to arrive at the in-laws in time for late Christmas afternoon dinner. Sadly though my MIL makes a big show of how tired she is from all the cooking (but generally refuses offers to help) and gets annoyed with the grandkids that they like very little of what she cooks and don’t eat much. Even my H and his sister admit that their Mom loves to play the martyr role. </p>
<p>The in-laws are in poor health and don’t travel so Christmas is about the only time both my kids are out of school at the same time to allow for the long trip. It’s a drag and we always dread it but know that they are old and won’t be around forever so we keep making the trip.</p>
<p>Just as Doubleplay said about the airport…the interstates are not very busy on Christmas day so at least we make good time on the trip. The bright spot for me is that at least my two S’s are captive in the car with us for a good 7 hours which is longer than we ever spend all at once with them at home since they are always running off to see friends.</p>
<p>We see my father once or twice a year- we relate best on the phone and he refuses to deal with a computer. He’s in a suburb of son’s instate college town but we usually don’t try to see him when transporting son- the last time we made time to take him out for a meal he declined so we no longer consider asking. Son has visited him (my father had to do the transporting-in snow) last year, it is nice they have their own relationship. Father also has made the trip here recently, but as he ages (now 81) he may not do so in the future. Curmudgeon should be his name. Can’t do things for him so I no longer try to, let my in his town brother do whatever… My mother died over 25 years ago. My sweet mother-in-law lives with her D in the US and spends several weeks with us (warm weather) when she’s in the country. We occasionally do the day long each way trip to see her at the in-laws. Spent our share of time taking care of my father-in law when he was alive, there’s no way my father will ever live with us (a day or two is all we can mutually tolerate). As the cousins get older -teens and beyond- trips to visit relatives are not as frequent, they no longer play and can correspond on their own. Visits now most often relate to events or convenience, not for the sole purpose of visiting.</p>
<p>There are so many diverse factors to consider - geographic location, relationship to parents, location of siblings, financial obligations and job circumstances. There are no right answers or formulas that work all the time. We have to feel that we’re doing the best we can and be open to discussing the situation when conflict arises. Having the emotional support of friends and family can make us feel more confident about our decisions - as well as free to change them when they don’t seem to be working.</p>
<p>I think what frustrates me the most is that my DH’s parents are needing ever more assistance, though one is still able to perform the acts of daily living, the other one has been disabled for 20+ years; taking care of ones self is not nearly as difficult as one ages as also being fully responsible for the partner.</p>
<p>But, they guilt him constantly, yearning for more visits, with no thought to the cost of travel nor the cost of time off- their attitude is, “at your age you should have plenty of money for time off and travel.” :eek:</p>
<p>He does want to visit them, but gets no kudos when going above and beyond “normal.” They also expect him to visit all the time whilst Bro who lives the same distance away in the opposite direction has done fine if he visits once or twice a year and brings his kids every couple of years; whereas 2-3-4-6 visits a year is not enough from my DH. I know it means they love him and enjoy him, but the visits are rarely something he enjoys- there may be moments, but mainly he is still trying to please the parents who were never pleased with anything any one did for them.</p>
<p>I am trying to get an idea here as to what would be reasonable, to help him not feel guilty and to allow how to address “reasonable” visits and then add on as fits in with our lives.</p>
<p>A wise mom of a friend, and RN, said to me once that the greatest kindness you can show your kids is to move in close proximity before your health declines. The point-to spare offspring the sort of endless travel and guilt your DH is dealing with. </p>
<p>In my work with the elderly, I see people doing this on a fairly regular basis. Giving up what sometimes is a lifelong home to move to our town, where their kids reside. NY, Kansas, whatever, to Wisconsin. Whatever. I feel sad for these people, missing friends and long associations. However, with a slow decline in health and function, it just makes sense to be close to those who will look out for you the most. </p>
<p>Any chance those inlaws could make such a move?</p>
<p>Somemom, We have a similar situation. MIL is now living near 2 of her children, but not my H. She does not realize the expense and time of travel. She really would be happy if my H flew to visit weekly! We have decided that a 3 day weekend every 2 mos. is fair. It is an expense that we really cannot afford, but my H needs to visit for his peace of mind (knowing that he did the right thing for her).</p>
<p>It really becomes a nightmare when their health begins to fail, and you can’t see what’s happenning to them until you go and check it out for yourself. Mom would always say, “I’m fine” and when we went up there we realised she hadn’t gotten out her winter clothes to wear yet, and wasn’t eating well at ALL. She was sinking into dementia, wasn’t paying her bills, etc. She WOULD NOT think of moving out of her house and sibs and I were beside ourselves. We finally hired an eldercare coordinator to help us figure out what to do and to check in on her (Mom hated her, of course) and report back to us as we lived 1000 miles away. It can be such an incredibly difficult time,and my friends and I were all going through it at the same time, comparing notes, etc.</p>
<p>I’m not really sure you’d want your in-laws to move in nearby if your relationship with them is already uncomfortable. </p>
<p>I’ll chip in as the daughter who does live in the same community as parents, with siblings who live faraway. There are good and bad days, but mostly good. Just because I live closeby, though, doesn’t mean that I don’t have my share of squabbles with my parents. I’m certain that my brothers feel that they receive a lot of crap because they live far away, and that my life is ‘easier’ because I can just visit any old time I want with no expense. Let me tell you…if they want to switch places, I’ll be glad to let them. They can be the ones to change lightbulbs and batteries, remove stumps, sit in doctors offices, hospitals, and ER’s at least once a month, listen to the diatribes about Hillary, receive constant advice on how to raise my sons…the list goes on and on.</p>
<p>My point is, don’t think that being the child that lives closeby is a walk in the park, either.</p>