Sandwich generation-How often do you visit far away parents?

Parent Cafe
1

<p>So many of us on this board are sandwich generation, trying to get our kids into college and onto their own lives whilst struggling with varying health & mental issues with the parents & in laws.</p>

<p>How often do you visit your parents if they are a plane ride away? How often do they visit you?</p>

<p>I find my DH overcome with guilt at not being able to be there more often, yet he travels to se his parents and makes far more sacrifices than most people I know. What is a reasonable expectation of yourself? It is especially different when it is never enough, any time we go, as we leave we are reminded grandma has hardly gotten to visit, every phone call is how much they miss us…guiltguiltguilt.</p>

<p>The travel is $300-$500pp and one also has lost income at visit time, so it is tough to justify, esp with kids in college! We used to have one in college near the grandparents, so we could justify the visit for two reasons.</p>

<p>What do ya’ll think is “enough” for visiting?</p>

<p>Thanks.</p>

2

<p>I’m also interested in the answer to this question.</p>

<p>My parents do not know/do not relate to my husband and children very well. It is stressful when they come and stay at our house.</p>

<p>They come to visit once a year, usually in June, and stay 2 or 3 nights.</p>

<p>I used to visit them with my daughters once a year as well (usually for five or so days), but for the last two years, now that my girls are older, I have visited with them alone.</p>

3

<p>My folks live two hours away and tend to drive up here much more then we go down there. They always spend at least one night and over Thanksgiving and Christmas will spend about 3 nights. We’ve also been vacationing with them and my in-laws (live in Colorado) and extended family for the last several years each summer. Our parents are all still very mobile so it’s not a big deal yet and none of us are into guilt. My in-laws and parents both moved from their hometowns when they married and then moved back when they retired. If they had stayed where they raised us, we would be much closer distance-wise!</p>

4

<p>Ah yes, that is the complication, mobility issues have arisen over the past couple of years and the in-laws do not want to travel any longer whereas they used to visit us 2-3 times a year- the last time was for TWO weeks- but they simply cannot do it any longer, yet still want to see us as often as used to happen.</p>

5

<p>My grandparents live 750 miles away from my family. When I was little, we drove there twice a year for about a week each time. Now it’s once a year. There’s a lot of getting home from the summer job and then roadtripping to see the gparents and then heading back to college in a very short span of time, but so far we’ve always managed to make it work out.</p>

6

<p>You hit a sore spot for me. Since college, we’ve always lived a plane-ride away from both sets of parents except for a year that we were within easy driving distance of my parents. </p>

<p>I am, by far, the youngest of my siblings, who all remained geographically close to my parents. So over the years, it became implicitly understood that we would make the trips to them because it involved less people traveling. However, we were by far, the least wealthy of my siblings, and by the time we paid for four RT airline tickets, it hurt us much more than anyone else. We’ve been in our current house for over eight years, and only one sibling has visited (by the way, both sets of parents are dead now). Although financially we’re much better off now than those early years, it still irks me that I have to wait and search for airline sales, fly at odd times, etc., when what we pay would be a drop in the bucket for them. </p>

<p>When my kids reached school age, I all of a sudden realized that the only vacations we had taken were tied into going to visit someone, which after a few days, isn’t always a vacation. So I began to insist that we take some trips, just for us. I didn’t want my kids to grow up without us ever having taken a real vacation.</p>

<p>Since my parents were older, it was more difficult for them to travel to us, and they only made it to our new house once. However, it occured to me one day that my own parents each moved away from their parents, and especially my mom, was a large distance from her mom. So I put a squash on the guilt, asking myself why should I feel guilty about minimal visits due to distance, when my own mom also lived far from her mom. </p>

<p>I’d say in the last years that my parents were both alive, then just my mom, I saw them on average every year to year and a half. I had an unplanned reunion with my brothers this last summer when one of my nephews was killed, and at that gathering, we all decided to get all siblings and their respective families together this December… of course, on their turf. At least this time I have frequent flyer miles to cover our flights!</p>

7

<p>We have always run into that same issue, teri, where any time we travel, it is “never” some place new and while one saves a bit of money having a free place to stay, it does not really qualify as a vacation when you have in law dynamics involved-re****l it’s not ;)</p>

<p>We are trying to consider doing more things just us, but the pressure builds as they are less able to visit.</p>

8

<p>When my parents retired, we moved them closer to us and they live in a second home that we already owned. They’re a three hour drive away, whereas before retirement, they were a 9 hour drive away. They are still both in good health and we see them probably once a month or so, maybe every six weeks. Either they come here, or we go there. When they visit, they usually stay for 3 nights, when we go, it’s usually for 2 nights. We all enjoy each other’s company so the frequency works for us, and our 4 Ds are very close to, and always have been, to this set of grandparents. One or more of my Ds and their significant others will often go to visit them for a weekend when they can swing it with their busy lives. My mom and I have always been close and we chat on the phone several times a week.</p>

<p>My H’s parents are another story. They live about a six hour drive away and we don’t see them nearly as often. The truth is, we never have, even when they, and we, were younger. They just didn’t seem as interested in our family, nor did they make much of an effort to visit when the kids were young. We now see them twice a year and that’s only because we travel to them, they no longer travel.</p>

9

<p>When my parents were alive, we visited them once a year. They were a plane ride away, about a 20-hour drive away. We virtually always had to visit my mom even when she was relatively young and I was working fulltime with small kids. She wouldn’t go out of her way to see us.</p>

<p>My husband’s parents live a 16 hour drive away, and he tries to visit them twice a year. They used to love to drive and would visit us at least once a year, but now, with my FIL in his early 80s, they aren’t able to drive long distances, and MIL has an inner ear problem that makes flying painful, so they can’t visit us.</p>

10

<p>In the past, we generally visited Pennsylvania in the summer, splitting a week and two weekends between my family and H’s. Then, in the winter (Christmas or Thanksgiving) one or the other of our sets of parents, along with assorted other siblings and their families might show up at our house. It was never a huge deal to anybody, although we did try very hard to be “fair.” My family is much more relaxed than H’s, and more fun to be with (since siblings and cousins lived near my parents) but H’s family was more likely to be “hurt” so it was always a juggling act to be fair.</p>

<p>For many years, H only got two weeks of vacation per year. So it was awhile before we had the time and the money to take a family vacation that did not involve visiting relatives. (Our first trip was camping - to Colorado, when kids were 10, 7, and 4). My oldest recently asked for a “destination” Christmas this year - he said, “to have a family vacation that we really never had growing up.” He is already feeling the frsutrations of limited vacation time and money, and having to use them to visit family. And he’s not married, so he doesn’t even have to worry about splitting the time with in-laws.</p>

<p>As many have said, our routine is changing now that the parents are getting older. My dad is dead, but my mom still drives to and from Florida alone every winter. She stops off to see us on the way down. She is 77. H’s parents do not like to drive such distances, and aren’t willing to fly. H also has an elderly aunt that is like a mother to him. She lives near our oldest son in DC. So that is becoming a meeting place for us now - H’s parents are willing to drive that far. We see them maybe twice a year - about as often as we see our son!</p>

11

<p>H has a parent who lives a plane ride away (about 12 hours driving). We feel a 3 day weekend every two months (6 times per year) is reasonable. H loses a day’s income when he visits. Cost per person is $260RT for the flight. I don’t go along to save money, and bc we have a child at home. It is more cost effective to fly than to drive, and less tiring on my DH.</p>

12

<p>This has become a major issue for us. H and I have always lived about 5 hours driving time from my hometown. My father died when I was 12 so my Mom lived there alone for the rest of her life but she did have her sister there and many good friends. </p>

<p>In the early years she traveled to see us 3 or 4 times a year and we prob. went home about the same # of times. As our kids got older, it got a lot harder and Mom was in poor health and could no longer travel so our visits werre mostly holidays and a summer visit. She tried very hard not to give us the guilt treatment. She died almost 4 years ago. I wish now I had gone more often.</p>

<p>H’s parents lived 3 hours from us for most of our married life and we visited fairly often to spend a night or two and they would drive here for the day or to spend one night. After retirement, they decided to move to the beach (7 hours away from us). FIL had a stroke one year after moving there so then their traveling became very limited. That’s when the guilt trips (literally) started. We cannot afford to fly and the nearest aiport is 2 hours away anyhow. My kids never had any real connection to them. They are not warm fuzzy grandparents (and were not warm fuzzy parents according to H).
So we genarally make a trip in the summer and a trip at Christmas. </p>

<p>They don’t have room for us in their small house so we always have to stay in a hotel. My kids resent having to spend their Christmas this way every year (and truthfully I do too in some ways). It makes me sad to think that many of their Christmas memories will be of waking up Christmas a.m. in a cheap hotel and eating the free continental breakfast but we are not well-to-do people. It’s what we can afford added to the other costs of the trip.</p>

<p>MIL always lays the guilt on when H calls. To be honest H doesn’t enjoy it either but does it out of duty. H has made several trips alone lately as his father’s health is on the decline but with kids in sch. and jobs and EC’s, it’s just too long of a trip to just hop in the car and zip over there.
It is very hard to figure how much is enough.</p>

13

<p>PackMom - you and your H are much more accommodating than I am! We spent Christmases up north every other year for the first few years of marriage-with-children. When pregnant with my third, we battled a snowstorm to get there, and I got sick (some cold / sinus thing) and couldn’t find a doctor who was willing to treat me because I was pregnant. My kids were also sick. We were all miserable. I finally told my H, this is ridiculous - we live where it’s beautiful in the winter time - why do we head north? And I want to create memories and family traditions of my own at Christmastime. We extended a welcome mat to any and all who wanted to join us, but announced that all future Christmas mornings, our kids would be waking up at home.</p>

<p>I understand in your situation that your inlaws can’t travel, but I think your guilt is misplaced! After all, it was your inlaws who moved! (Unlike us, where it was us who moved.)</p>

14

<p>We stopped traveling for Christmas quite a number of years ago. Our own children deserved to wake up in their own beds on Christmas morning, so we just matter of factly told the relatives that we were staying home (we also said that anyone who wanted to come HERE was more than welcome). </p>

<p>We usually try and get back (600 miles) when the weather is nicer (3-4 times per year) so we can enjoy being outside together. My inlaws always enjoyed the 4th of July, so we usually go back and do a barbecue with lots of fireworks.</p>

<p>I’m sorry for those of you who have parents/inlaw who heap on the guilt. I am very fortunate that my own mother in law is a very nice person who wouldn’t dream of doing that. I believe guilt is such a wasted emotion, especially when you’re trying to do your best as a child of an aging parent and still take care of your own immediate family.</p>

15

<p>Just got back from visiting my 89 year old mother for the day - 2 hour drive each way. I toted a cooler full of labeled single serving frozen meals I had accumulated for her with me. I took her clothes shopping, to Wal-Mart, out to lunch, trimmed her eyebrows (yes, I did!), did minor repairs to some clothing, got the spare bedroom put back together after brother’s last visit (argggh!), fixed some of her clip earrings, advised her regarding her investment account after reviewing statements, balanced her checkbook, moved things in a closet lower so she could reach them, etc. etc. After a knee replacement surgery a while back, I went weekly for 3 months. Now I only go monthly.</p>

<p>When I got home H and I talked to our tearful freshman daughter on the phone who is not doing as well in gen chem as she would like despite endless studying. I…am… exhausted! </p>

<p>My brother who lives a plane flight away comes @ twice a year - summer and Christmas usually. : )</p>

16

<p>My mom used to come visit for a few weeks at a time every year or so. I would go every 2 years or so. After a stroke, she no longer felt up to traveling. I went once (Arizona, and I love returning home) but had trouble with another family member close by-mental illness issues. The past 2 years have been so nuts with college applications, international exchanges, that I just haven’t been able to afford the time off, or money to visit. And actually, it feels fine. We are very close, have frequent in depth conversations, discuss her health issues, enjoy each other, etc. She is strong and active, doing quite well. Finally, have a ticket to visit this fall. No guilt from her, as she’s accepting of whatever is possible, and we all have limited finances. </p>

<p>I’m so sorry for those who have to deal with guilt producing family. Life is hard enough, especially at this time end of HS/getting them launched into college.</p>

17

<p>My in-laws moved away at retirement - their choice. They could have stayed close-by in a smaller house but they were unwilling to do that and unable to afford the one they had.</p>

<p>They are 8-9h car ride away. We visit about once a year for 3-4 days. They visit at Christmas and in June for about 3-4 days.</p>

<p>When they visit us they do not make a lot of time for us despite protests of never seeing the family. Their friends are obviously a much higher priority for them. Case in point- On the afternoon that we were having the big family party for my S’s HS graduation, MIL arranged a luncheon for her dear friends and ended up being 1.5 hours late to her grandson’s celebration.</p>

<p>PS My sister who lives an hour away and whose husband is dying from ALS made it in time.</p>

<p>PPS I did not invite them to my H’s 50th B-day this summer.</p>

18

<p>I’m going through this now with my family- my parents and I live very close so I see them every week, but my siblings are a good 10-15 hour car drive away (or plane flight). I think it’s not so much the dearth of visits, but the infrequency of phone calls that makes the difference between a good and poor relationship. In this day of phone calling plans, there’s really no excuse for not being able to talk to parents living in the country on a frequent basis. That’s really all that matters- talking.</p>

19

<p>My parents went from being about an 8 hour drive to a 4 hour drive which makes visits much easier. We try to have either some time at Christmas or Thanksgiving, a spring and a summer visit. They moved to the town where one of my brother’s lives and are about two hours from the other brother, so we probably see them the least often. They used to visit us a lot, but alas have gotten too old for all the driving.</p>

20

<p>A big problem that I recognized when reading the OP is the issue of distance combining with sibs who have more money but don’t fly out to visit you. In a way, they’re all benefiting by your visit home. Without it, they’d have to get off their keisters and fly out to you or else never see you again ever. If you could possibly get your mom to see the injustice of this, she sounds bossy enough to clue in her nearby adult children and ask them to pitch in for an annual flight home ticket for you and H.</p>

<p>Don’t look out to see your sibs visiting you in the near future. I have the same issue. They just think they’re at the center of the universe and you should want to come “Home.” Meanwhile, off they go on real vacations.</p>

<p>We visit each set of parents at least twice yearly at a minimum, but try for 3 or 4 contacts. This is for each of us (H and me) towards our own home families. My H hasn’t invested in a ticket to actually fly to my parental home state in some years now.</p>

<p>We also try to teach them that when we all go to a wedding or even funeral elsewhere, that also “counts” as one visit. I see it that way, but sibs and parents less so. </p>

<p>The business of deciding between a visit home versus something beneficial to your child (a summer enrichment opportunity, for example) is very hard emotionally. In general, we landed in favor of the kids. </p>

<p>ONce there was a chance for S to fly with college choir to perform in Japan for a subsidized amount of money (college pitched in, too; and there was finaid consideration). Still, we needed to put in a thousand, so the place I “found” that money was in my own trip home, second one that year. </p>

<p>I simply wrote to all my family to say that’s what was happening, and I’m sure they can understand why I chose this once-in-a-lifetime experience for son, PS, see you next Spring.</p>