Sandwich Generation

Parent Cafe
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<p>I know there are some posts on other threads that deal with this subject, but I thought it might deserve it’s own thread.</p>

<p>I have 2 in college, one rising senior, and rapidly aging parents 2 hours away. I’m fortunate in that 2 of my siblings live close to my parents, but I’m about to make the decision to drive over on Wednesday for another Dr. appt. (went on Thurs.) because it’s summer and I don’t have school and it gives my brother a break. But I’m exhausted just from the conversations with my parents and my brother. I know that others have it worse; my mom is having neurological problems (falling down and memory loss) and my dad has heart problems (and breathing etc., etc.) but neither is dying of cancer like my good friend’s mom.</p>

<p>Anyway, I know there are others here who are trying to parent their kids through the college process (and beyond) and deal with aging parents and the many issues that brings. </p>

<p>If it’s not too depressing, anyone want to commiserate?</p>

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<p>I do!! I have a nearly identical situation, but my mother passed away a year ago, so my dad is on his own. Aside from the constant worry and guilt, I have the practical issue of it now costing me $50 in gasoline every time I drive up to visit him.</p>

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<p>I HATE that the cost of the trip is a factor for me. This month we have to pay fall housing, etc., etc., plus DS#1 has to make 3 trips home in one week (picking up son 3 from camp, dr. visit, and internship interview) and now I feel that I should drive over and go with mom to her geriatric specialist appt. And money IS an issue and I HATE THAT.</p>

<p>I think I’m going to go anyway, stress and $$ notwithstanding. It’s what we do, right? Sigh. Glad to have someone around who understands.</p>

4

<p>In short form, my mother can definitely commiserate. Her father moved in with us shortly after his wife died, and it all went downhill from there. First a stroke, then another stroke, then Alzheimer’s, then steadily decreasing health in general – oxygen tanks, weekly nurse visits, assisted bathing, having to lock him in his room, having to keep track of all the sharp objects including nail clippers because he was on Coumadin and far too proud to admit he couldn’t do things or had done something wrong…</p>

<p>It was a heart-breaking experience for my mother to have to see her father go through all of this. It changed the family dynamic at home in a very large way, as he was there through my graduation from high school and my brother’s entrance into it. My mother blames her inability to deal with his health and her own health (and she has a long history of very serious medical problems) for my brother’s struggles and subsequent dropping out of high school.</p>

<p>Things got immediately better when she realized that, despite her guilt, she was just not qualified to take care of him. He has been living in an assisted care facility for the past few years, thankfully paid for by his own retirement. While his Alzheimer’s has been progressing, it has been slow, and the nursing staff has been pretty good keeping up with him (he’s in a special locked ward with others in his condition). That of course does not help with the sorrow of watching her father go through this, or the cost (sad to say!) of the 40 mile drive to visit him, or what happened in the 6 years before things got straightened out.</p>

<p>…</p>

<p>That got awfully depressing, didn’t it?</p>

<p>Honestly, things are pretty good now. It was sticky during that time because the number of bad things outside of my grandfather’s failing health was overwhelming – father’s lost job, mother’s inability to work due to health concerns, brother’s school problems, her own brother’s refusal to help, distant family issues, etc. Since then, my dad’s gotten his job, my mother’s health issues are being addressed, my brother is evening out, she’s come to a workable arrangement with her brother, family issues are sorted, and I’m off in college taking care of myself trying not to ask too much of them.</p>

<p>It certainly changes the family dynamic in a meaningful way, that’s for sure!</p>

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<p>Oh, how I know how you feel!!
DH’s mom is 1000 miles away, and all we can do is fly up and thank the siblings that do the heavy lifting. She is in an assisted living facility, but there are still doctors appointments and visits, and her kids who live “close” drive one to 3 hours FREQUENTLY to visit and do the dr. thing.</p>

<p>My parents live within driving range.
Dad: heart bypass and valve repair, two knees (a year apart) pulmonary problems, diabetes, sleep apnea (going to his third sleep clinic to verify efficacy of CPAP - I think - dad is not 100% of the why’s and wherefore’s of his various dr. visits.)
Mom: keeps falling down. Short-term memory loss. </p>

<p>Between the two of them they have dr.'s appt’s, all the time, and I feel that I’m not doing my share. Brother #1 lives farther than I do, and forget it anyway(if you know what I mean). Brother #3 is doing the high-powered career thing and basically commutes to his job half a country away every week - no way can he do doctor’s appts, and SIL is home with the 4 kids, so not really fair to expect her to do a lot. So brother #2 does most of the heavy lifting, and the stress is showing…</p>

<p>Thus my two trips in two weeks. Guilt, guilt, guilt.</p>

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<p>My sympathies to all. I knew the sandwich thing was coming and I had heard many people talk about just getting their kids raised only to turn around and have to take care of their parents.</p>

<p>But, honestly, I thought I would have gotten at least a week! Instead, I didn’t even get a day! My Mom flew in from AZ for DS’s high school graduation. She wasn’t feeling well and didn’t even make it to the ceremony. I ended up the next morning in the ER with her. Turns out she’d had a heart attack - they did a heart cath, found major blockage and did angioplasty and put a stent in. It has been a big improvement, but she has a myriad of other health problems. She ended up spending the entire month of June here. Definitely wasn’t in my plans, but that’s the way it goes.</p>

<p>We’re now working to get her into an independent living facility in AZ (I couldn’t convince her to find a place near us that would make doctor and family visits more convenient). I think she’ll be a lot better off if she isn’t living by herself.</p>

<p>I can empathize with those of you struggling to cover the doctor visits and wish us all well!</p>

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<p>Yep, both sets of parents are really aging- 3 in college.</p>

<p>My parents just moved to be near me, but we had to get very creative with the lousy housing market, so they are effectively leasing to own their new place here, hoping the old house will well. They don’t seem to worry about it at all, which is good because my DH and I worry enough for every one. My parents have always been closest, relationshipwise, to me, so it made sense, plus I have another sib w/in 20 minutes, so there are two of us to support them and my other sibs can see lots of family when they visit mom & dad, who are slowed down and little unexciting these days. </p>

<p>Dad was Dx w a health issue a couple of years ago and he is noticeably frailer, still looks young and perky most of the time, but he is pushed out of balance more easily and then he looks weak and feels puny :(</p>

<p>The in-laws live 1500 miles away, they investigated moving to our area a few years ago and decided they have a strong core group of friends and have lived in their home for 40+ years and want to stay where they are. The biggest issue is that Gpa is slowing down and Gma needs assistance, he has always helped her, but he is getting to the point where taking care of himself is enough. I actually spent nearly quite a bit of time there trying to help out and determine the best solution. </p>

<p>They have decided assisted living in their own home as long as possible is the way they want it to go, and they have a great person coming in a few times a week for a few hours a day. Gpa can still drive, but I can see the black clouds on the horizon and try not to borrow trouble by thinking too hard. When the time comes to make the tough decisions, we will make them.</p>

<p>The tough part is that DH feels so guilty, we are so far away, and we left on purpose, but now he feels, not regret, but sad that he cannot help. He/we visit more than most people at this distance, and more than the other sibling. Sometimes 3-4-5-6 times in a year, which is too much now esp w/travel costs escalating and the need to conserve all around and put three kids through college.</p>

<p>Collectively they’ve had:
2 hips replaced
2 knees replaced
2 back surgeries
1 cardiac bypass
1 cardiac stent insert
1 breast cancer
2 bladder cancers
1 prostate cancer
4 cataract surgeries
and a partridge in a pear tree</p>

<p>Sorry my post disappeared, I was trying to edit it and my entire computer shut down, so now they are out of order!</p>

<p>There is no family near my in-laws, once a year visiting son lives also 1500 miles away; the really sad part is that there is a reason every one lives so far away, further complicating the guilt about visiting.</p>

<p>And how do you ever get the grandkids to see the grandparents when they are so far and no longer travel- the kids are in college, they are doing their life and I am not thinking it is reasonable to be paying to fly them down on their breaks, as if they would want to spend a break there any way, you know? And yes, the money does factor in, not just airfare- $350-$450-$550-$800 RT depending on the urgency and fare wars, but also the time away from work, so you get the big Visa bill for travel right after taking time off from work :(</p>

<p>I am sure Gpa will live to be 100, an ornery 100 :D</p>

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<p>I can commiserate. I took care of a parent through a slow and sad decline due to advancing dementia. It was one of the hardest things I ever did. My husband pointed out that what makes it so excruciating is that elderly people who are very, very sick rarely get better. It becomes the opposite situation to raising children, the process in which caregivers have usually been absorbed for years. Being thrown into such a different flow is disorienting, let alone having to accept the long good-bye. Balancing the needs of my children and their grandparent was quite a challenge.</p>

<p>Now that I am a few years past the close of this painful chapter, I look back with incredible gratitude that I was blessed to be a part of it all. It made me a much better person, and seemed to be a final and necessary piece to complete my transformation into a full fledged adult. It also helped to strengthen my faith in God to a tremendous extent. Sometimes I felt frustrated to be the adult child on whom the burden fell, but now I see very clearly how lucky I was. I consider all of this to be one of the greatest gifts I have ever received.</p>

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<p>The summer before my son started college I travelled to spend time with my parents. Both ended up in the hospital at the same time. To make a story shorter, within a month I helped them find an assisted care facility, helped them move to it, stored all their “stuff” and got that moved and packed up, got the realtor out and put their home on the market, and helped out with all the shuffling that this encompassed. This came on the heels of my son’s senior year and all that jazz plus dealing with a spinal tumor that he had developed at that time which turned out to be benign. Thank Goodness. Both of my parents are gone now. I am glad for every effort that I made for them. It was actually a long 10 year process. We do what we have to do.</p>

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<p>My mother spent her last year with me. I learned in that time that I couldn’t save her. I could only make her comfortable and love her. I could create an environment where she had some dignity. She was angry that she only made it to 98. She was sure she was going to hit 100. Funny, eh!</p>

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<p>we are in the sandwich generation. i’ve recently moved my mom to assisted living. she had moved to an apartment about 9 years ago and was closer to me (rather than 2 hours away). in the last 9 years here’s the list to date:
orthostatic hypertension, 2 cataract surgeries, 2 cancer surgeries, 1 carotoid surgery, 1 broken hip, 1 hip replacement, dentures, 1 bleeding ulcer, uti’s, and heart problems. several of these have involved lengthy rehab stays and some short hospital stays.</p>

<p>we have 1 in college and 2 more to go.</p>

<p>dh has mother and aunt who have both fallen in recent weeks.</p>

<p>it’s pretty crazy sometimes !</p>

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<p>No matter what they want, parents need to move close to their caregiver children. The sooner they move into an assisted living facility the better for them. (Retirement communities with golf courses are not assisted living communities.) They have more control over the move and their lives in that way. If our older parents are forced to change through bad health, which is usually the case, it becomes a crisis that should never have happened. The children eventually must become the parents. It is a difficult switch for both parties.</p>

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<p>Please don’t feel too bad. Well, I’m only 17 but my mom’s situation is a lot like yours. My grandparents are in China, both have had strokes and can barely walk. My uncles who live 5 minutes away don’t even visit them. My mom can’t leave American because of me. :cry: And we don’t have any other relatives in the US.</p>

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<p>overseas…i know what you mean. i’m wishing now that i would have moved my mother 2 years ago or more to assisted living. she seems to like where she is now (assisted living) and I certainly like it much better for her. </p>

<p>i think the elderly fall far more than what they let their children know. they don’t tell anyone about the falls because they don’t want to leave their homes. nearly every patient i met at my mother’s rehab hospital was there because of serious falls in their own homes.</p>

<p>sometimes strokes are involved and they have deficits in their cognitive abilities. they aren’t capable of making good decisions concerning whether or not they can live safely in their own homes…the adult children have to step in and make those difficult decisions. it is tough, but it has to be done.</p>

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<p>Falls are an issue for us, too. I forget in my long list of parent health issues to mention DHs mother had a serious stroke many years ago and for the past 2-3 has been wheelchair bound, needs help transitioning and it is both getting difficult for her husband to do it physically and she forgets to ask for help so she stands up and falls down- two broken arms in the past few years :frowning: She falls a lot, but he is convinced they can stay in their home. He is 100% with it mentally, so we are just taking it day by day.</p>

<p>It is rough to be the emotional support and the whole “who’s the boss” issue is problematic when they are transitioning; they do not want to give up the control, but at some point we may need to take over, if they are seriously risking their health.</p>

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<p>One day into my 2-week college road trip with my son, my mother fell and couldn’t get up (paramedics were called). No injuries, but then she started having severe dizzy spells which ultimately required hospitalization. Fortunately my brother and my daughter were able to take care of things. It’s now become something of a joke - whenever I’m least available to help her, something happens and I’m forced to do some quick juggling.</p>

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<p>How ironic…I came here to start a discussion on this topic, and here it is. Thank you all for sharing your stories! It’s heartening to know there are others here who understand how this feels.</p>

<p>I have two kids nearing college age, a rising senior and junior. I also have a dad with terminal brain cancer. After two surgeries for tumor removal, a third surgery to put in a shunt, radiation and chemo…he’s had enough intervention and says, No More. The doctors estimated he’d have about 9 months to live (a couple of months ago), but he is feeling stronger and we are hoping for more time than that. Some days I dare to hope he’ll see my eldest graduate from high school; other days I know I’m kidding myself.</p>

<p>I start my day with two web sites: College Confidential and Cancer Compass. That tells the story right there, doesn’t it? </p>

<p>The sadness about my dad leaks into every part of my life. He’s not an old man; he’s only 68 and until this happened he was one of the healthiest people I knew. Now “okay” is as good as his days get, and it’s going to be a whole lot worse before it’s over. It’s heartbreaking. </p>

<p>He’s several hours’ drive away and I work full-time, but I visit as often as I can, every other weekend for now…probably every weekend when things start really going downhill. I’m saving my vacation days for that inevitable day. A year ago I was saving them for a European vacation with my husband and daughters. Life can change so fast.</p>

<p>Thanks for the place to let this out.</p>

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<p>Yes, this is something that hits a whole lot of us! I do have a friend who is travelling back to the states to look into solutions for her mid-80 parents who live near Valley Forge, Pa. Any suggestions of assisted living, in care options in that area? Thanks.</p>

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<p>overseas, My husband and I are the primary caregivers for an elderly uncle who lives several hundred miles away. Since we’re unfamiliar with his area, we hired a nurse care manager through a geriatric care service that was recommended by his PCP. The geriatric service provided us with a list of future care options–ranging from assisted living through nursing home care–that match up with our uncle’s needs and personality. It’s relieved us of a huge amount of stress. Perhaps your friend can ask her parents’ physician to recommend a similar service in the Valley Forge area.</p>

<p>Here’s the service we use in Boston:</p>

<p>[Elderly</a> and Geriatric Care Management Services and Caregiver Support- MGH PrimeCare](<a href=“http://www.massgeneral.org/primecareweb/PrimeCare_services.htm]Elderly”>error)</p>

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<p>Thanks Mapesy. I have passed the information along…</p>