<p>condor, you are so right about them wanting to do anything to stay in their own home; my in-laws have an active long time social group who all raised their kids together. Now they are all replacing knees & hips, getting sick, supporting each other, and dying together.</p>
<p>I think any who went into assit living or nursing homes fought it. They will do it for transitions out of the hospital, but feel like they are moving there just to die. :(</p>
<p>It is a blessing they are so supportive to each other and a Godsend for me, as I talk regularly with a couple of them, so I get the true story even if the inlaws forget to mention some issue or another</p>
<p>That is the tricky situation when the old folk start showing signs of not being able to take full care of themselves, yet are not so incapacitated that you can can “make” them do anything. It is a whole different story if they cannot care for them selves and it is clear that living alone is not doable. However, if they just aren’t doing it well, when is that gray area transversed? It drives me me nuts that a disaster often has to occur before intervention can occur.</p>
<p>Has anyone had luck with long-term helpers coming to or living in the home? </p>
<p>My parents don’t need a nursing home. But they can no longer deal with everything themselves. I was thinking of services that could be provided, like housecleaning, shopping assistance, and driving to appointments. I know that assisted living facilities offer these services, but is it possible to have these “a la carte” or on a weekly/monthly basis?</p>
<p>The problem when you have someone who is declining mentally is trust. As one poster related, old folk can become very dependent and taken advantage of by help who may ask them to co sign loans or lend them money, or maybe even help themselves to checks and credit cards. Or steal things of value around the house. That’s the big problem.</p>
<p>Yep, as I stated before FIL, who is extremely sharp and extremely cheap, overpaid when he was desperate, co-signed a loan, gave away goodies, etc.</p>
<p>We have done better with people who come in for a few hours a day or a day, somehow familiarity seems to breed comtempt.</p>
<p>Though I can also say they have had various cleaning girls (never a service, always an illegal alien because they are cheap) come in for decades and had several things go missing, but they never want to blame the worker as they view them to be friends.</p>
<p>They are doing in home asst living with a housekeeper/gardener/pool service to maintain the house, plus the sons coms to do big fixes at least annually, then they have a few days a week a few hours a day for personal care and that is working, as soon as their girl has more availability I think they would take her five days a week. But the trust is scary, we’ve even had jewelry disappear, maybe lost by FIL, maybe taken, no way to know.</p>
<p>google “what are activities of daily living?” and you’ll find the link to wikipedia with some good info. there about these activites. it’s my understanding that if they need help with 2 or more adl’s…imo, you’d want to be checking to see that they are getting the help that they need…either with home health, assisted living, or nursing home. </p>
<p>imo, another area to look at is fall risk. have they had falls? how many? what frequency? what’s the trend? with my mother, her falls were becoming more frequent and more serious.</p>
<p>also google “cognitive abilities”
as they have more trouble with these…that sends up red flags too.</p>
<p>I have started asking everyone I know if they have a will, a power of attorney, and a healthcare power of attorney in place (I do, and a living will too). </p>
<p>The easiest time to talk about all of this is when it seems far off. I came across a recommendation called the 40/70. When the adult child turns 40 or the parent turns 70, it is time to get everything laid out. The documents may sit unneeded for a long time, but it will be good to have them.</p>
<p>One of the most frustrating things for me to deal with is the astonishing sense of denial that goes on in H’s family. MIL will say things like, “If something happens to Uncle Bill, we’ll …” What do you mean if? Uncle Bill is almost 90 and no one has invented a magic wand that lets us live forever. Uncle Bill is going to pass away eventually. I bite my tongue and never say anything but it drives me crazy.</p>
<p>Someone asked if anyone has had luck with in home helpers. Not us…not so far. My MIL is in her 90s and over a half hour away. My h is the only one of her children that lives close. So far, we’ve been through two agencies and four different caregivers…all were pronounced “unsuitable” or even “weird” by by MIL. We say no evidence of this although the last one they sent out had different hair and an odd style of dress. Nice though…but didn’t matter.
So, we’re on to another agency. I put together reams of information to help them find a good match. I think I scared them! They haven’t called back in a few days. This is REALLY not easy.
We’re also looking it close-by assisted living. Thankfully, she seems open to that arrangement (although her opinion can change daily). She is such a sweet and gracious lady - and looks really good for her age. I think she would have no trouble making friends - maybe even attracting one of the few old men left out there.<br>
So, we stress and worry and try to visit at least a few times a week to check in on her. It really does help to read that many are going through the same thing. Some great tips here too!</p>
<p>I posted on another thread about this but here goes. My very own mother turned 80 this year and while she continues to live alone and is in reasonably good health, we have witnessed other family members passing and those dealing with terminal illness. So, last summer when it was too hot for her to be outside, we started organizing in terms of trying to “get her affairs in order”. We visited her attorney who updated her will, provided medical and durable power of attorney, living will, etc. I purchased a notebook for her with tabs for various info-insurance, real estate, doctors, burial requests, banking, etc. I asked her to write all of this info down–including bank acct, credit card numbers, insurance numbers, etc. All of this has been done and is neatly in a notebook should something happen and we need to obtain this info. We are now in the process of trying to sell her home to liquidate her assets and hopefuly move to a gated apt community about 5 min from our location. (I know real estate market is sorry right now, but it is not an emergency, either!) Thank goodness we have been able to communicate the importance of all of this to her and she is able to compile all of this info before it becomes too overwhelming.</p>
<p>My MIL has never taken very good care of house or self. Now she is just an older version of her younger self,but has the excuse of age. It’s a balancing act as to when to take things into our own hands and when to let it go.</p>
<p>My father lived with us even before D was born. He was strong and did everything around the house. He was my pillar. Then, he started to get sick, heart bypass, loss of kidney function, etc. The worst came when I nursed my father through Parkinson’s and dementia. ( about a third of Parkinson’s patients get dementia.) The last 2 years he was not the man my D nor I remembered. Eventually, his Parkinson’s progressed so far that even the meds weren’t helping. We called Hospice and let him die at home, in my arms. It wasn’t easy, but little to pay back all he had done for me and my D. The hardest part was emotional - he was always the strong man that I could rely on and now, he was a shell of what he had been. That’s what was so terrible. I was frustrated and angry - not because he was sick and I had to do all this, but because of what it had done to him. His death was a relief for him and my D and me. We grieved, but not as badly as we would have, if this had come earlier. D didn’t even cry. I made her talk to me, and she said she had done her grieving 2 years before, because the man that died wasn’t her grandfather. He had died 2 years before. The dementia robbed him of his essence. That was harder than any physical illness. God bless everyone who is going through this.</p>
<p>I’m sure that you can find what you need through craigslist or referrals - just check lots of references. I considered doing that at one point, but realized the enormity of the juggling required. Turnover tends to be high, and the needs of aging parents will increase. I needed round the clock assistance for my mom, and when I added up all of the 24/7 hires, it became clear for my situation that assisted living was a better option.</p>
<p>We had great success working through our local office of the aging. My father in law had MS and my MIL was determined to care for him at home. They (the office of the aging) worked with my MIL for the last ten years of his life. Some of the helpers were duds, but eventually we had two women who were truly angels.</p>
<p>PS - I am now the jelly in our family’s sandwich. My folks are moving next week to an assisted living community. I am so happy they have made this decision, but also sad to watch them leave their home. So many happy memories. </p>
<p>Like your idea, ND, I have a printout of something called an essential document locator which I will modify with your notebook suggestion. Thanks so much. </p>
<p>One thing I wish I would have done sooner is to just keep a simple spiral bound notebook on all of my parents dr’s visits, procedures, etc. I can’t keep all the info straight or remember it off the top of my head when I am sitting in a specialist’s office. So, my advice is to buy a small 9X6 notebook and just jot down info as it happens - start early and make notes, because as they age and we age, it is hard to remember.</p>
<p>I created a shared Google calendar that my parents, my brother and I can all access to view and enter info about Dr. appt’s etc. I created a single icon on my mom’s desktop that takes her straight there. It’s new, but so far it seems to be helping.</p>
<p>We also visited a geriatric specialist. He is going to be my mom’s primary care physician now. He zeroed in immediately on things my brothers and I had been concerned about, but that had somehow not been identified by her regular GP. If your parents are having multiple issues that include aging, I recommend checking this out.</p>
<p>worknprogress – You may have already done this but I urge you to photograph their house in detail… every room… every closet … and put them in a album for them to take with them.</p>
<p>Helpful suggestions from my elderly uncles geriatric care manager:</p>
<p>–Create a File of Life which lists the patient’s name, family contacts, insurance policy and social security numbers, health problems, medications, dosages, allergies, recent surgeries, religion, doctor’s names, and copies of health care proxies, health directives, and durable powers of attorney. Place in Ziploc bags and attach one to the refrigerator and one to the inside of the front door. This is useful if the patient has to make use of emergency medical services and is unable to communicate effectively. </p>
<p>–Create a card with emergency medical contacts, family contacts, and medical information. Place in patients wallet.</p>
<p>–Patients should either have a Lifeline Emergency Response System in place, or they should carry cellphones with them at all times in case of falls.</p>
<p>Ask your mom’s geriatric specialist. He should be able to recommend home health care agencies that will provide all the services your mom needs. The home health care agencies that we’ve dealt with typically have 4 hrs/day, 3 days/week minimums, but some agencies (usually non-medical) do have 2 hour minimum visits that are priced somewhat higher. For example, here’s a link for the national non-medical homecare agency that NBC anchor Brian Williams’ dad uses:</p>
<p>The quotes I got from Visiting Angels a couple of years ago were $20/hr for 4+ hours or $25/hr for a minimum 2 hour visit. With Visiting Angels, I believe you determine the schedule in advance of each week of service. I’m sure there are other non-medical agencies similar to Visiting Angels. (We decided not to use Visiting Angels because my uncle became ill and needed medical vs. non-medical homecare.)</p>
<p>We’ve been through at least six home health care aides with my uncle. A couple of them wouldn’t do housekeeping, and others wouldn’t take him shopping or to his appointments. You may have to go through a few aides until you find the one that’s right for your parents.</p>
<p>What a helpful thread and so relevant to so many of us. notre dame, how exactly did you broach the idea of preparing that notebook? I have been treading lightly with my parents since they are both still active and healthy (in fact, my dad still works full time in his late 70’s). But at their age, anything could happen at any time and I don’t feel prepared in terms of knowing their finances, their desires, their preferences for burial and all those things that are uncomfortable to discuss. Can you and others here walk me through a non-threatening way to get my parents’ cooperation?</p>
<p>Many of the websites in my earlier post have articles that speak directly to How To Begin To Talk. My H however refuses to do so with his folks.</p>