SAT ESSAY-feedback and score

Test Preparation
1

<p>Hi.
What would you give this essay and feedback:</p>

<p>Should people worry abou others’ activities?</p>

<p>The notion that people ought to worry about others’ actions is categorical truth. Many people would argued hat observing others’ actives is an unjustifiable encroachment of privacy. However other people’s actions may affect an an individual in the future. Three classic archetypes that demonstrate the benefits of worrying about others’ business are A Moby Dick, the Pearl Harbor Attack, and the Virgina Tech Massacre. </p>

<p>Set in the eightieth century, Herman Melile’s A Moby Dick illustrates the boons of minding others’ business. Capatain Ahab seeks to exact revenge against the whale Moby Dick, who devours Ahab’s leg earlier in his youth. Ahab’s obsession with revenge manifests through his action and rash decisions. While people on a voyage often converse with one another, Ahab isolates himself in his room to trace the trail of Moby dick in the ocean. Ahab also chastises the crew members for no legitimate reason, and orders that the ship travel to unchartered waters. His crew’s refusal to question authority, despite the godlike traits that Ahab has proves fatal. By not responding to Ahab’s apparent insanity, the crew only breeds greater ambition in Ahab and lead to their own demise. </p>

<p>Another paradigm that prominently displays the necessity of staying vigilant of others is the Peral Harbor attack. Franklin Delano Rossevelt’s administration’s central focus was domestic reform, restructure the US economy. While countries, like in the European bloc invaded other nations, enslaved people, and commit other transgressions, the Us did not respond. FDR naively assumed that the US would not be affected. However, the Peral Harbor surprise attack clearly serves to show the pitfalls of not staying wary. Over three thousand soldiers were murdered the United STates was attacked, and the Great American Giant awoke only now. Had FDR responded to Japan’s false signs of space, the US would not have stayed vulnerable to attack </p>

<p>Yet another archetype of how paying close attention to other’s activities carries benefits is established in the Virginia Teach massacre. On august 6th, 2008, Xiong Li acquired semiautomatic rifles and executed innocent student. However, WAshington politics ran as usual and this served as another issue of school violence. However, people overlooked the crucial aspect–the gunman’s motive. He was clearly an insane individual who had developed an intense hatred of people. His acuquintes dismissed his erratic behavior, and continued to study. If these students had reported his actions to the authorities, then this attack would shave been prevented. </p>

<p>Through a careful analysis of A Moby Dick, the Peral Harbor Attack, and the Virginia State Massacre, it is indeed true that worrying about other’s business is important and beneficial. Their actions produce externatlieis, both positive and negative, that affect everyone.</p>

2

<p>Hi samtouchdown. I’ve had the opportunity of looking over this essay recently. I am not sure if those typos/grammatical mistakes are what you actually wrote down on paper or if they are just mistypes upon reprinting it on this internet forum. However, I’d like to point out that when you have this many mistakes, it does get a bit distracting. Furthermore, you’d like to be consistent with your works/authors. Although you CAN make up things, you shouldn’t resort to misspellings with common works such as Herman Melville’s Moby Dick (it is neither “A Moby Dick” nor is it written by “Herman Melile”). There is some misuse of vocabulary, but it isn’t all that bad for the most part.</p>

<p>Just be careful with grammar and such. Sure, we can’t get into semantics in a 25-minute essay but I’d like to point out that the best 12-scoring essays always have proper grammar and are written usually with far fewer vocabulary words that stand out. The content matters more. Your examples are fine, however, and fairly well-developed.</p>

<p>As an SAT grader, I would probably give this a 4 or a 5. Thus, your score would probably be an 8 or a 9.</p>

<p>I’m interested in knowing how this compares with others’ thoughts. Anybody else on CC agree?</p>

3

<p>I agree that the grammar makes me shudder as a huge literary fan. </p>

<p>Honestly I’d give this essay a 2. The thesis doesn’t answer the question “Should they worry…” Instead the OP has given examples of historical/literary examples (not a bad thing… but doesn’t fit the purpose of a thesis) </p>

<p>Some things that bother me in chronological order:</p>

<p>“Classic archetypes” is redundant. An archetype is a universally understood symbol. A classic is a universally known thing. </p>

<p>“Earlier in his youth” is redundant. Either earlier in his life, or in his youth. </p>

<p>“Ahab also chastises the crew members for no legitimate reason” this sentence does not correspond to your point that Ahab’s actions are a result of his desire to hunt Moby Dick.</p>

<p>“His crew’s refusal to question authority, despite the godlike traits that Ahab has proves fatal.” His crew refused to question authority BECAUSE of his godlike traits. Not despite. </p>

<p>“…the crew only breeds greater ambition in Ahab and lead to their own demise.” The first phrase is the cause and the second is the effect. So the conjunction should be “that”. The crew only breeds greater ambition in Ahab that eventually leadS to their own demise.</p>

<p>Overall the Moby Dick paragraph feels too much like summary and not enough of the author’s voice. There isn’t a transition into the next paragraph.</p>

<p>“paradigm that prominently displays…” A paradigm is supposed to prominently display a trait. It’s redundant to say anything more than that. </p>

<p>“…was domestic reform, restructure the US economy” Even if there was an “and” between these two phrases, it still wouldn’t be a good sentence. Domestic reform is a noun. Restructure the US economy is a verb. It’s like listing “I want cookies, swim in the pool.” A better sentence is His plans included reforming domestic affairs and restructuring the US economy. Then you have parallelism and it’s an overall smoother read. </p>

<p>“While countries, like in the European bloc…” If you said “countries, like…”, you need to list examples of countries, not give an vague example of a continent. </p>

<p>“…invaded other nations, enslaved people, and commit other transgressions, the Us did not respond” Parallelism. Invaded. Enslaved. CommitED. What other nations? What kind of transgressions? I’d use a semicolon after transgressions leading into “The US did not respond”, but that’s a personal voice. </p>

<p>You cannot abbreviate FDR unless you said earlier “Franklin D Roosevelt, sometimes known as FDR”</p>

<p>“FDR naively assumed that the US would not be affected. However, the Peral Harbor surprise attack clearly serves to show the pitfalls of not staying wary.” This is factually wrong. The US was preparing eventually to enter the war, but they were hoping for later. The Pearl Harbor attack was the match. The candle had already been prepared.
<a href=“http://www.gwu.edu/~erpapers/teachinger/glossary/world-war-2.cfm[/url]”>http://www.gwu.edu/~erpapers/teachinger/glossary/world-war-2.cfm&lt;/a&gt;
“Although the war began with Nazi Germany’s attack on Poland in September 1939, the United States did not enter the war until after the Japanese bombed the American fleet in Pearl Harbor, Hawaii, on December 7, 1941. Between those two events, President Franklin Roosevelt worked hard to prepare Americans for a conflict that he regarded as inevitable.”</p>

<p>“Over three thousand soldiers were murdered the United STates was attacked, and the Great American Giant awoke only now.” Under 2500 actually died. WHEN the United States was attacked. “Now” is present tense and needs to be in past tense.</p>

4

<p>Whoa, harsh words up there. But yes, as the poster above me said, there are a lot of grammatical mistakes and factual inaccuracies. Be wary, OP.</p>

5

<p>Unfortunately, yes it was a tad harsh. But I want to be direct and quote specific sentences. If I spent a few more minutes I could make it more relatable. It’s not a personal attack though, OP. I want to help you see what’s wrong and I don’t want to cushion it around flowery words.</p>

6

<p>Valid point. The best way is to face the criticism and grow. Had the OP not heard of these things, he/she might have implemented them in his/her actual SAT essay and things would have certainly gone awry. I’m sure the OP appreciates your comments, as do I for the future.</p>