SAT essay, feedback please!!

<p>Essay Prompt:</p>

<p>Many people believe that our government should do more to solve our problems. After all, how can one individual create more jobs or make roads safer or improve the schools or help to provide any of the other benefits we have come to enjoy? And yet expecting that the government - rather than individuals - should always come up with the solutions to society’s ills may have made us self-reliant, undermining our independence and self-sufficiency.</p>

<p>Assignment:</p>

<p>Should people take more responsibility for solving problems that affect their communities or the nation in general? Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. Support your position with reasoning and examples taken from your reading, studies, experience, or observations.</p>

<p>My Response:</p>

<p>People should be more assertive to improve society as they see fit rather than assigning the government to solve their problems and take responsibility. In the case of Adolf Hitler and William Lloyd Garrison, they are two polar opposites on how they fix their problems.</p>

<p>After World War I, Germany was in a state of crisis from being charged with reparations from all the damage they caused as the aggressor. In a country of great turmoil, Adolf Hitler rose as a political figure and invoked hatred toward the Jews who he blamed on for their misfortunes and debt. Instead of taking responsibility for the debt, Hitler created the SS government where the Nazi Party dominated and created a totalitarian government. The Germans simply followed the demands of Hitler to persecute the Jews, endowing the government with the trust to fix all their problems. This only led to deeper reprecussions as Germany killed over 6 million Jews in the Holocaust and began a period of decline as the valuable assets to their economy were destroyed. Had people took more control in enacting tariffs and improving domestic economy by increasing production, Germany may have been still one of the most powerful nations. But the lack to take action led to the government’s rash ethic cleansing that devastated the Jewish population and still did not solve the nation’s problems. </p>

<p>In contradiction, William Lloyd Garrison is a figure who took charge to fight against the immoral institution of slavery. During the phase before the Civil War, there was tension between the Industrial North and the agrarian south that relied on slavery as a source of labor. William Lloyd Garrison viewed slavery as immoral because the blacks were suffering and tied to the lands under cruel supervision. He could have just complained about it and remained inactive, hoping the government would abolish this evil institution. But he took leadership and initiative to rid this malicious form of labor, and created the Antislavery Society to try and set slaves free. His newspaper, the Liberator, continually attacked slavery and invoked many to join the abolitionist movement during the Antebellum South. By taking responsibility for society’s problems, Garrison achieved his goals by attracting followers to the cause and making the issue the main sectional crisis.</p>

<p>In conclusion, individuals should learn to be independent and act upon what they want to see accomplished, rather than relying on others to do the work. “Be the change you want to see in the world,” is a quote that stands- problems cannot be solved without action. Although the government is obligated to maintain peace and stability in our country, a few individuals can’t assume the problems of millions. Adolf Hitler seizure of the government and Germans who complied to his demands show the consequences of inactive complaints. Garrison is the epitome of a man who takes actions and assumes responsibility for society’s problems. </p>

<p>Please give score & leave feedback on how to improve! Thank you so much :)</p>

<p>Hi domoinvasion. Sorry but I am not loving it. </p>

<p>You have some grammar problems:
-“In the case of Adolf Hitler and William Lloyd Garrison, they are two polar opposites on how they fix their problems.” Should be ‘cases’. And I think you were not going to argue that Hitler fixed problems.
-“In a country of great turmoil, Adolf Hitler rose as a political figure and invoked hatred toward the Jews who he blamed on for their misfortunes and debt.” Who does ‘their’ refer to? Logically the Germans but it reads like the reference is to the Jews.
“Had people took”- taken</p>

<p>You have a lot of awkward phrases:

  • “charged with reparations”
  • “invoked hatred toward”
  • valuable assets to their economy were destroyed" what are these assets? the Jews who were deported or killed!?
  • “took charge to fight”
    “invoked many to join the abolitionist movement " inspired? advocated? inveighed?
    " consequences of inactive complaints.”</p>

<p>Logicwise I think the Hitler example is crazy poor fit for this prompt and threw a wrench in the spokes that your essay never recovers from. You seem to be using him as an example of an individual who takes action, but also as an example of inaction of citizens who leave it to the government to solve problems. But could individual citizens really be expected to “enact tariffs and increase production”? In your conclusion you state “a few individuals can’t assume the problems of millions” but you just got done praising the initiative of Garrison in advocating the government to address the problem of slavery. </p>

<p>William Lloyd Garrison and The Liberator is a better example for what you are trying to show but it is still a stretch. For the position you took on the prompt it would have been better to have picked examples from areas that are beyond the scope of government- such as tutoring a child or providing companionship for lonely elderly. There would have been a lot of literal examples that would fit that vein. By picking the Abolitionist movement you are taking an area- Constitutional law- that clearly is in the purview of the government. That makes your task harder. And why is everyone using Garrison as an example? I think this is the 3rd essay that mentions him and The Liberator. </p>

<p>Overall I think I’d give you a 4. You did address the prompt and you have a decent length. Maybe there is enough of an argument to get you to a 4, but a 3 is also a possibility. </p>

<p>My advice is to use plain, straight forward language. This hurts your chances for a 6 a little but avoids the pitfall of awkward phrases you have too many of here.
You also need to work on your examples, because these felt shoe horned in. Think back over the literary works you have covered in your classes and maybe write short summaries of them for yourself to refresh your memory about the characters and themes. Try to get about 20 works that you can pull from. Shakespearean plays are great because it seems like there are so many strongly motivated characters in each one you can use them as examples for almost any prompt. Think how you could have used the character of Hamlet for this prompt.</p>

<p>Hope this helps and good luck.</p>

<p>Thank you so much! I’ve been struggling with my essays and I always get an 8. This positive feedback really helped, and I now know what I should work on to improve my essay. :)</p>

<p>On a side note, what do you get on your SAT writing mc?</p>

<p>btw argybargy for my essay you never gave it a number score, you only critiqued it.</p>

<p>I bought the official sat study guide from college board, they have practice tests included with the essays</p>