SAT Essay Feedback

<p>I know these are a pain in the butt, but I’d really like to get a feel for how much I need to improve in my writing. If you could rate it from 1-12 and briefly tell me some things I could have done better, I’d truly appreciate it. </p>

<p>“Everything comes if a man will only wait.” - Benjamin Disraeli, Tancred
“Destiny is not a matter of chance, it is a matter of choice; it is not a thing to be waited for, it is a thing to be achieved.” - William Jennings Bryan, Memoirs</p>

<p>Prompt: Should we wait for good things to come, or is destiny not something we can wait for? </p>

<pre><code>Destiny, as most other things in life, is a culmination of thousands of choices taken. Some of those, I concede, might be involuntary and we may have little to no say in them, but for the most part, the actions that we take every day chisel and shape our futures. One cannot expect good things to come without sacrifice, hard work, and devotion.
As humans, it is natural for us to have desires, goals, and expectations. Some people take the easy route, laying back and hoping that somehow their dreams will magically fall into place and their lives along with them. I’d hardly recommend such approach. Take two teenage boys, for example. Both with an inherent ability to place basketball. The height, the agility, the speed; it’s all there. These two boys have both received major national recognition and have single handedly led their respective high school basketball teams to national tournaments, in hope that they will be recruited by a scout to the USA Junior Olympic Basketball Team. Boy number 1, too trusting in his own ability, chose not to practice before the USA Junior Olympic try-out. While boy number acknowledged that although his basketball skills were as sharp as they were, there is always room for improvement - an idea championed by many olympic medalists in all the sport disciplines. As you might expect, the boy who took his “destiny” into his own hands and practiced arduously before the upcoming tryout was chosen, whereas, the one who was overconfident in his skills was sent home. Goes to show that sitting and waiting around for dreams to come true is unrealistic and ill-advised. Go for what you want; the sky’s the limit.
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<p>Anyone have any thoughts?</p>

<p>I would give this an 8 or 9 (10 if your lucky) out of 12.</p>

<p>You were doing so well with your thesis and the begging of your essay, and the example was all right too, but it was very short. </p>

<p>Maybe try adding another example in there.</p>

<p>Your hypothetical example and writing style is largely unconvincing. Also, lack of specificity and detail also undermined your argument. A longer response with another example would help. The last defect of your essay is the lack of a conclusion.</p>

<p>Some positives: Your sentence structures are good and your thesis was sound.</p>

<p>Overall: 6-7/12</p>

<p>7.</p>

<p>10char</p>

<p>Thanks guys! I really need to find write faster because under that 25 min margin it’s gonna be hard to fit in another example. </p>

<p>And, Bak0rz thanks for the honest n critical input. Do you think instead of making a “hypothetical” example I should have made it seem like I knew those kids and it really did happen, n give them actual names? And also, would another (better example) have strengthened my essay, as well as writing in 3rd person?</p>

<p>This can help me out!
Thanks for posting it!</p>