<p>Hi, Could you please have a look at my essay and suggests ways to improve- it’s from the June 2010 SAT and it scored a 9. </p>
<p>Thanks in advance, </p>
<p>Here it is:</p>
<p><a href=“Writing.pdf - Google Drive”>Writing.pdf - Google Drive;
<p>I looked at your essay, and its not bad.</p>
<p>Suggestions:</p>
<p>Have a real thesis statement that previews that you are going to talk about in your essay; instead of just overarching generalizations of what you are going to talk about. Save that for your conclusion. </p>
<p>Add another example: your support seemed a bit weak, especially with the the second paragraph(technically, they do have a legal obligation as their guardian to look after the child i.e. Child neglect/abuse). I liked the paragraph about Nelson Mandela, though. </p>
<p>Word Choice-make sure it flows. I was reading, got to your conclusion and then <em>wham</em> the word fallacious caught me completely off guard. Its good to use a large vocabulary, but in this instance, it just doesn’t flow to have a essay mostly using vernacular language, but then have random words that are rarely used. </p>
<p>Sentence structure- This was pretty good, I liked the questions, maybe add in a little more varied structure, for example, using semicolons to connect sentences instead of commas or separate sentences. </p>
<p>Other- Content-wise, it flowed pretty well, the transition was pretty good, once again, a little lacking in substance. Watch your grammar, there were places were I had to read the sentence over again to understand it. </p>
<p>Overall, Good, some small things here and there.</p>