SAT Essay Grading Help!

silveralpaca123 · January 9, 2012, 11:30pm

Could anyone please grade my essay? I’ve done well with CR and Math, but I just can’t get the writing section! Essays are really hard for me because I feel like it’s guesswork/luck sometimes. When I took the SAT, the topic was on whether art should be required in schools. I mean, really? I’m good at writing essays, I swear, but not SAT essays! But anyway, here’s the topic:

The familiar admonition is to “put your money where your mouth is” suggests that it’s far easier to speak up for a principle than to live up to it. That’s why most of us, whether we intend to or not, say one thing but often do another. It’s just part of human nature.

Is it the common tendency to say one thing but do another built into our nature, or is it something that experience teaches us to do?

My essay:

When I say to my parents, “Yes, I’ll go to bed soon” or “OK, I’ll get that done,” I only sometimes mean what I say. Yes, that’s probably not the right thing to do, but really, it’s my parents’ own fault, because saying one thing and doing another is learned from others.

Putting “our money where our mouth is” is difficult when role models constantly say one thing and do another. My middle school was a strong example of this. Students were always told that they must pass classes or risk not moving up a grade with their peers. However, this never happened, and students eventually learned that this claim was false. Parents also inadvertently do this. By promising things to their kids that are never fulfilled, such as agreeing to go to Disneyland “sometime in the future,” they tell their children that it is acceptable to not do they say.

This is true under Rousseau’s idea of “tabula rasa.” He postulates that humans are born as “blank slates” and that all our actions and ideas about right and wrong are shaped by those around us. We learn from everyday life that it is “OK” to not do as we say because few suffer consequences from doing so. Teachers have never been forced to hold back students or parents to take their children to Disneyland.

Children have been taught since a young age that putting “their money where their mouth is” isn’t necessary because others seldom do. In a perfect world, children would be brought up without these ideas, but a perfect world will only exist “when pigs fly.”

Bad? Good? OK? If you’re familiar with the 6 point scale, please grade my essay on it. Otherwise, feedback and tips are appreciated.

Josh05 · January 10, 2012, 12:15am

Score: 5-6/12

Your biggest problem is coherence. Take your third paragraph for example. You talk about Rousseau and his philosophy and then suddenly, in that same exact paragraph, you refer to teachers and disneyland. What does teachers and disneyland have to do with Rousseau? If you want to use the teachers/disneyland for an example, which I strongly do not suggest since it’s extremelly weak unles you have some good idea ideas as to how they link, then move to a different paragraph. Each body paragraph should be about one subject and one subject ONLY.

Also, your first example about middle schools and parents. Though they may relate in someway, the parents really had nothing to do with middle schools except that they do the same thing. This should be put off for another body pargraph.

You also use ambiguous words in the wrong places. For instance: “This is true for Rousseau’s idea of…” What does “this” mean? Transitions should be something more eloquent and collegiate: “Roussea’s idea of “tabula rasa” also clearly demonstrates the power and influence of the observation of others’ actions.” Or something like: “Even the great philosohper Roussea clearly understood the significance of the hypocrisy we daily see around us.”

You need to use better word choices. You have too many cliche phrases. Putting money where our mouth is was good, until you used it again. “When pigs fly” is too vernacular and such phrases should be avoided.

Conclusion is also weak. Add something meaninful to the conclusion, something that wll encourage the reader or inform the reader of something importance.

Here’s an example:
“Children have been taught since a young age that living up to their words isn’t necessary because others seldom do. These young minds observe the actions of their elders every other moment and can powerfully shape the lives of these innocent beings. Thus, despite the hackneyed actions we so commonly observe in modern society, it is exceptionally imperative for the more experienced generation to inculcate the younger generation the importance of acting on their words.”

Here I give both an important information and an encourgaement because it fit so nicely with one another. Sometimes you can have either or both. You have to decide which is best for that particular essay.

It’s also relatively short. Develop your examples more. Especially your Rousseau example.
"
This is true under Rousseau’s idea of “tabula rasa.” He postulates that humans are born as “blank slates” and that all our actions and ideas about right and wrong are shaped by those around us. We learn from everyday life that it is “OK” to not do as we say because few suffer consequences from doing so."

First off, how does the tabula rasa relate to your last sentence? Developing your paragraph means to link your thesis to the example and clearly outlining the defining arguments. Something along the lines of :

“This is true under Rousseau’s idea of “tabula rasa.” He postulates that humans are born as “blank slates” and that all our actions and ideas about right and wrong are shaped by those around us. Despite the constant bickerings of the two, even science and religion both agree that the minds of the young are innocent, and throughout history, many great minds have urged mankind to use such flexibility of the minds for the greater good. Even today, there are many stories of parents retelling accounts of how their children imitated smoking with a cigarette, driving in a car, and…” I can’t think of anything else to say since I personally have never heard of such example. But can you see how the entire paragraph I have written so far relate to Rousseau’s idea? Both sentences support his idea by providing props from both common observation and science and religion.

This will help improve your length, which is short. There is a better chance for you to get a higher score if you write more. But don’t write more fluff, add more depth. That is what’s important.

silveralpaca123 · January 10, 2012, 12:29am

Thanks for all your help! That must have taken a while to write. Geez, I suppose my problem is worse than I thought…

First of all, I’m wary of using dense language such as “hackneyed” or “inculcate.” Any words I study for the CR section will probably not make its way to my essay. It just doesn’t seem natural and I’d much rather come off as a genuine person.

But the rest of your points are very valid.

Josh05 · January 11, 2012, 2:23am

Haha yes it did take a while to write. But writing is my strongest section. I always make ONLY stupid mistakes in that section, which I have to be cautious about. So I really like to provide tips from what I learned and from my own experience in speeches and debates about how to write an essay quickly.

Don’t be discouraged too. You have to practice, practice, and practice. Once you get into the hang of working efficiently under pressure and developing your thoughts into full paragraphs, it will come naturally to you… mostly. For me, there are some prompts I absolutely hate! Like technology/society prompts and heroes prompts. Ugh.

The best way to learn how to incorporate complex vocabulary into your writing is to first say them several times a day. Do it to your friends and families. They will look at you weirdly, but it helps tremendously.

For instance, I once was joking around with my friend by saying: “The verisimilitude of your emphatic behavior nearly fooled us all, but you failed by clearly displaying that superficial aspect of your life in your next preceding actions…” Or something like that I can’t remember. I hear that saying something at least 7 times will stick it in your mind. I don’t know about that but saying it a few times helps a lot.

For instance, choose 5-7 words you really like and you feel can be used quite commonly. For instance, hackneyed means common, inculcate basically means to influence.

Other words that are not so complex are words like superficial-appearing true but actually false-, mitigate-to make smaller or alleviate- and so forth.

Easy complex words to choose are things you say a lot. Go onto the thesaurus and look for synonyms for good, bad, and powerful.
For bad, I chose: malevolent, belligerent, malicious. I use it often to get into the habit of imputing it into my activity.
Good and powerful would do the same thing.

I used to be not use big words either. But after learning a few, and after writing 2-4 practice essays, I got into the habit of putting these types of words into my essays. So all it takes is habitual practice and you will easily get it.

SAT Essay Grading Help!

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