SAT essay intro: Take a look and give your opinion

Test Preparation SAT Preparation
1

<p>This essay is taken from the BB, Test #3</p>

<p>How do you think of this introduction paragraph and what advice do you guys have to improve it? Thanks!</p>

<p>Prompt: Is conscience a more powerful motivator than money, fame, or power?</p>

<p>A cynical view of human behavior is on the basis that people are driven mainly by selfish motives: desire for power, wealth, and/or fame. However, a moral conscience is a compelling force that has the capability to undermine almost any selfish motives present in human behavior. As shown by a multitude of examples from history and literature, conscience is a more powerful motivator than compared to that of money, fame, or power.</p>

<p>Note: This is just an introduction that I have made and plan on basing the rest of my essay upon the ideas presented in here.</p>

2

<p>Looking at this intro, I honestly think that you have some pretty powerful vocab, useful and concise. Although, you need to map out what you’re going to talk about. You said “As shown by a multitude of examples from history and literature, conscience is a more powerful motivator than compared to that of money, fame, or power”.</p>

<p>Yet, you never really tell the reader what examples you’re going to cover. I think it is more efficient to state one of the examples as a transition, so the reader at least has an idea about what you will write about. Otherwise, this essay looks pretty promissing.</p>

3

<p>You don’t have to go concise if your examples are based on history and literature then just use that as a transition.</p>