SAT Essay Practice: Peer Evaluation

Test Preparation SAT Preparation
1

Hi,
This is the first SAT practice test I took, and I was wondering if someone could evaluate my essay. The prompt was: Is it proper to question higher authorities? Here is my essay –

To contemplate or inquire is an ability given to us all, but what we contemplate or who we question makes us restricted by our own beliefs. Whether these beliefs hold to be true, only our conscience can decide. Bringing, however, reality to the feet of superiority may be morally correct, but is socially unaccepted. Questioning the actions and opinions of higher authorities is what makes our world alive with the present generation. The ability to ask questions is like activating telomerase within ourselves. If we utilize it too much, the desire becomes uncontrollable; if we barely use it, our immunity to higher forces will soon disintegrate. Our human population should continue questioning established beliefs and ideas to keep our world modern till the minute, to stay independent from authoritarian rulers, and most importantly, to keep our population’s few nonconformists and transcendentalists alive.
From the 200 years since the Constitution was written, only 27 amendments have been made, but have served of great purpose to our nation’s growth and development. The trivial number shows the moderation of changing a higher power’s words, but the impact it makes shows its pivotal importance. Today, states are able to question death penalty only because of their right through the tenth amendment. If the constitution remained as it was 200 years ago, our world would be obsolete – till the level that there may never have been such a thing as obsolete.
In George Orwell’s Nineteen Eighty-Four, Winston, the protagonist questions Big Brother’s authority. Not only did he question it, but a myriad of citizens, along with Winston, rebelled against the government through various protests. This, however, showed the overuse of our ability to assemble. Throughout the course of the novel, Winston only felt safer by the existence of the entity he was scared of. If he had used his weapon of questioning moderately, perhaps Nineteen Eighty-Four wouldn’t be the horror novel it is today.
Controversies keep our world living till the moment. It can be the controversy over embryonic stem cell research or animal testing, but the arguments are the legacies of the thoughts of our current generation. If there were no contradictions, our world will still be where it was before humans existed. One such controversy has been sparked up by Edward Snowden, who leaked information about U.S.A.'s national government. While some view him as a hero, others view him as a villian because he questioned many people’s beliefs. Because of him we can say “now we know” or because of him we should change to “I never knew”.
Exercising our ability to question is important to keep our world running. Running with our existing nonconformists. Running with the debated-upon transcendentalists. Running with the changing generations. And most importantly, running with ourselves, making sure our world will always be suitable to live in.

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The main problem that is its structure and content. Let’s start with your introduction. The immediate problem is that it’s much too long for an introduction. Introductions are supposed to be as concise as possible, usually four lines in length, but yours hits a grand total of nine. I would keep the first, second, and ninth sentence, and, even though it looks like you invested a lot of effort into it, discard the rest. It would also be a good idea to add in one last sentence about what examples you’re going to use to demonstrate your argument. I’ll elaborate why later, but for now, note the following error: ‘however’ in the third sentence is largely redundant.

In the first paragraph of the body, ‘From’ should be ‘For’, as there have only been 27 amendments FOR 200 years, not FROM 200 years. ‘but have served of great purpose to our nation’s growth and development’ also lacks a subject - you should add in ‘they’, so that the clause can function like the independent clause it’s supposed to be. ‘of’ is redundant as well - ‘served great purpose’ is perfectly fine. Other than these grammatical errors, I have a few issues with your content as well. Mainly, the fact that I feel more confused after reading than before. So, let me see what I got: Only 27 amendments have been made because no one really wants to change the words of the higher powers. Despite the lack of change, the words of the higher powers have made great impact. Example: Through the tenth amendment, states can question the death penalty, and the act of questioning such as these saves our world from being obsolete. So… What are you trying to say? People don’t question the authority of the Constitution, but do so anyway through the tenth amendment? I can sort of see how the latter part supports your belief that people should question authority, but then why mention the near-immutable laws of the Constitution? And what do you mean by ‘till the level that there may never have been such a thing as obsolete’? Help! I’m confused.

Nineteen Eighty-four is one of my favorite novels of all time and DEFINITELY lends itself well to the essay. However, what you wrote seems to be a bit of a stretch from what actually happened in the dystopia novel. Yes, Winston Smith questions Big Brother’s authority (you should probably mention that Big Brother is a totalitarian government), but there were never a myriad of citizens launching protests against him. I think you’re confusing that with the Hate Week… But anyway, I don’t exactly understand your third and fourth sentence, and I also don’t see how it’ll contribute to your essay anyway. A better way to substantiate your stance would be to write about how Winston realizes the extent to which humanity is oppressed and the ethics of eradicating freedom by questioning Big Brother. Your concluding sentence of the second example paragraph is also rather weak. So the big boon of questioning authority is that we got a “horror” novel?

Now, onto the fourth paragraph. Remember how I said that it would be best to cite the examples you were going to use in your introduction? Here’s why - I couldn’t tell if your fourth paragraph was a third example, or the conclusion! Even now I’m unsure which one it is, though I’m leaning with it being a third example. Unfortunately, your third example is rather weak. I’m guessing that the main example you’ll be using here is Edward Snowden, and if that’s the case you should A) START the paragraph by mentioning his name and B) Don’t drag other topics of interests, such as embryonic stem cell or animal research, into the fray, as they can really detract from the main point of your example. You also need to learn the importance of linking your body to the question. Linking is basically mentioning how you’re answering the question in the paragraph somewhere, so that the reader is constantly reminded on how you’re answering the question. In your third example paragraph, though, you seem to be focusing on controversies and contradictions - nothing wrong with that, but you should LINK it to the question by saying something like, “Question authority also allows for controversy, which keeps our world living in the moment.” (never heard of ‘living till the moment’). And why is a world without contradictions a world before humans existed? Meaning that everything is prehistoric and chaotic? You should also mention what exactly Edward Snowden leaked to the public. How did it make people question the government’s belief? How is his questioning the authority of any relevance?

Your conclusion is easily the best part of the essay. It is lacking a mention of all the examples you’ve used, but those aren’t VERY necessary in the conclusion. I especially like your use of anaphora. Who says you can’t use poetic devices in the SAT essay?

I’m sorry that this is a bit long, but I really did want to point out your flaws so that you can learn and write a better essay. As it is, I would give a 5/12 for now. You don’t make much grammar mistakes, but the weakness of your content, unfortunately, brings it down a significant bit. Here’s hoping to see you write more essays, and improve yourself! I’ll be happy to provide more feedback when you need it.

3

Hi,
Thank you so much for the detailed evaluation! Before I write another essay, I would like to fix the flaws in this one. Would you be willing to edit that as well? Thank you so much for the time.

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Edit? Or do you mean provide feedback?

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can you grade my essay ? i feel this essay isn’t quite relevant to the topic even though could you please provide me some feedback and also some strategies to get a approximate 12 score /

Do people have to pay attention to mistakes in order to make progress ?
Mistakes is a flaw which makes things immaculate. The sins or mistake we do in past reflects our future on how we utilize it to be.Understanding the past mistakes and dealing with it will certainly provides a plethora of skills. some of the examples from history and literature demonstrates how we can progress in near future when there is the realization of mistakes.
Malala Yousafzai, a 16 year old girl who fought alone with the Taliban to end their rule was thought to be a mistake by every villagers as their brutality exceeded with many threats to her family but with her incessant reply to the Taliban even after being shot with a bullet in her forehead made her more powerful to combat ending into the right to education along with peace to the society. finally the society who pointed out her action as a mistake, learned that no one should be underestimated and judged by their physical appearance.
likewise, the great depression of 1929 is the also one of the best suited example to illustrate that we can rise up from our mistakes. with the halt of stock markets and hunger for employment, every citizen of USA became hopeless with that situations but with the new deal proposed by Franklin D Roosevelt finally ended those black days.This happened only because there was the “realization of crash of stock market” - the mistake by tight monetary policy and now as a result the federal reserve board and the central banks are all working together so it doesn’t happen again which has flourished the policy of USA’s stock markets and employment.
In conclusion, mistakes is the main ingredient in letting any individual or a group to reach to the top position.The great depression of 1929 and the realization of the society on underestimating Malala definitely supplies a good illustrations to prove that mistake is the main pathway to success.

6

I meant provide feedback

7

All mistakes I made while writing are copied exactly below.

Prompt: Does being content with the way things are prevent people from improving themselves and doing better?

As Albert Einstein once said, “complacency and contentment lead to a lack of personal and societal advancement.” Einstein, discontented with the available knowledge of physics during his lifetime, went on to achieve great advances in the field of physics, winning multiple Nobel Prizes. Indeed, being content with the state of things hinders one’s ability to make changes and improvements. Myriad examples from civil rights, literature, and science illustrate this ubiquitous theme.

The Civil Rights movement of the twentieth century demonstrates the theme that contentment does not lead to improvement. In 1953, a young activist by the name of Rosa Parks refused to give her seat on the bus up to a white man. Out of discontent with racial segregation, Parks sparked the Montgomery Bus Boycott in which many residents of Montgomery, Alabama protested segregation by refusing to ride the bus. Inspired by this movement, activist Martin Luther King organized countless protests in opposition of segregation. The zenith of his career occurred during his “I have a dream” speech, which rallied Americans and led to the passing of the Civil Rights Act of 1964. A victory for the black community, this act represented a significant societal advancement. Thus, from Civil Rights it is clear that discontentment with the state of things is necessary for improvement and change. 

The theme that contentment with the way things are hinders one’s potential for improvement is further demonstrated in The Scarlet Letter by Hawthorne. In Hawthorne’s novel, the protagonist Hester Prynn engages in adultery with the reverind Dimmesdale. Subsequently, Prynn is shunned by her community and forced to wear a scarlet letter “A” for “Adultery” at all times. Discontented by her situation, Prynn seeks to improve her reputation by performing community work and helping the poor. Eventually, people look up to Prynn and see her scarlet letter “A” as signifying “Able.” Thus, out of discontentment with her situation, Prynn is able to improve herself and contribute to society.

Thomas Edison’s experience inventing the light bulb further supports the omnipresent theme that contentment hinders improvement. Edison, discontented with the inefficiency and difficulty of using lamps, seeked to create a better light source. Harnessing the power of electricity, he was able to create the incandescent light bulb, a light source far more effective than lamps. Edison later recounted that “had I not been so upset with the state of things, I’d never have made 5000 attempts to create the light bulb. Thus, it is clear from Edison’s experience that discontentment drives improvement.

Myriad examples from Civil Rights, literature, and science all demonstrate the universal theme that contentment hinders improvement. As Susan Plyte once said, “the moment we become content with ourselves is the moment we cease to improve.”