SAT Essay review please :)

[neutrinogun]

<p>I just wrote my second practice essay after taking the diagnostic, and want to know if I’m going in the right direction, etc. (It’s the same as it is in the actual document). </p>

<p>Also, the essay took up nearly all the space, with 1 line left blank.</p>

<p>Prompt: Are people more likely to achieve their goals by being flexible or by refusing to compromise?</p>

<p>The statement “Are people more likely to achieve their goals by being flexible or by refusing to compromise?” suggests that people may consummate their goals by keeping their minds flexible. In other words, maintaining a dynamic state of mind will allow one to fulfill one’s goals. Throughout society and in life, the evidence to support this statement is pervasive. </p>

<p>Consider “Ender’s Game” by Orson Scott Card. The main protaganist Ender chose to join the Battle School at the tender age of 6 in order to protect civilization. After arrival at the space institution, Ender’s first commander treated him like dirt, and did not let him even try to ameliorate himself. However, Ender used his mind and was able to find companions that taught him the bare necessities to survive, and thus laid the foundation that allowed the future Ender to have the tools to save humanity. Ender was only able to prove himself because he used his brain to find a path out. </p>

<p>Next consider the reign of terror in France, started by the Frenchman Robespierre. When Robespierre gained power, he decided he could not give mercy to people, and instead give out capital punishment to all wrongdoers. However, he became much too carried away and started executing over 4,000 people per day. This resulted with millions of casualties. Ironically, once Robespierre capitulated to the rebels, the executed him using his own instrument of destruction – the guillotine. If Robespierre had been flexible and had decided to forgive people, he would not have met with his untimely death. </p>

<p>In my own life, I set up a lemonated stand to fundraise for Ekal Vidyalaya(an Indian charity), as well as for the Cleft lip foundation. It all started out well – our lemonade was aesthetically magnificent – yet I still encountered a large problem: I wasn’t getting any customers! After the first three hours, we had only 8 customers visit our booth. I decided to put on my thinking cap, and came up with a creative attraction: music! I ran up to my house (located close by), got my viola, and started playing some breezy Disney themes. People got attracted by the music, and started listening to what the money from the stand would go towards. As a direct result of my flexibility, I was able to raise about $250 for each charity.</p>

<p>As Greg Easterbrook says, “People who are uncompromising tend not to consider other peoples views…All in all, it is better to be flexible.” This statement is also shown to be true through “Ender’s Game” in which Ender adapts to an uncomfortable situation yet is still able to prevail. The case of Robespierre is also able to show that people who are uncompromising tend to fail. Consequently, being flexible leads to a more harmonious and progressive society.</p>

<p>Thanks for your time! :)</p>

<p>PS: Is it ok to BS if the judges can’t tell? I mean, I did hold a lemonade stand for cancer and rose like 150-250 bucks, but the violin thing etc was total bull.</p>

[kalariap]

<p>Hey, neutrinogun, I think your essay would be scored around a 9 or 10. Before I start with advice, I was wondering if you could grade my essay? I’ll post in a separate post.</p>

<p>First for some general feedback: the length is great (you want the perceptual dominance from using almost all of the space), and your view on the issue is good (the whole dynamic flexibility thing)</p>

<p>However, in terms of specifics, the first paragraph (Ender’s game) and third (Ekal Vidyalaya) do not in my mind address the prompt specifically. To elaborate, you never show how Ender actually compromised with his colleagues. Also you conclude with “Ender was only able to prove himself because he used his brain to find a path out.” This do not specify if he was inflexible or flexible with his brain. In terms of the Ekal Vidyalya (i’m Indian by the way :)), your ability to play viola does not indicate flexibility as the prompt specifies it. The prompt is contrasting flexibility with a refusal to compromise. But since you were never in a position of compromising as the prompt specifies, that flexibility you talk about is not the kind of flexibility the grader wants to see. Tell me if you don’t understand, sorry if I am a bit vague. </p>

<p>So, as a grader I would not regard either of those paragraphs as topical. But, I am a very critical person (I debate), so it’s likely that the reader you have would not be this nit-picky. </p>

<p>Regardless, I think that your Robespierre example is great and that alone should get you an 8. The reason I like that example is because it is the only one where you specify the contrast between flexibility and compromising, in addition to indicating the outcomes of each.
In addition to that example, your SAT vocab will kick your score up to a 9 or 10. </p>

<p>Finally, I really wouldn’t recommend using BS examples. It may work, but it will be harder to write about something made up than about something you are truly passionate about.</p>

<p>In conclusion, I liked your essay in general, thought it was pretty insightful, you just need to make sure you address the prompt better.</p>

<p>Well, I am going to post my essay, I took a different approach than you did, but it’s heartfelt, and I hope you take the time to grade it. </p>

<p>Thanks!</p>

[kalariap]

<p>Ok, here is my essay
Assignment: Is artistic inspiration more likely to be generated through solitude than through interaction with others?</p>

<p>This takes up all the space I had in the test booklet.</p>

<pre><code>Solitude is rarely able to help artistic inspiration flourish. By nature, artists gather inspiration from those around them. Therefore, their inspiration is far more likely to be generated through interaction with others rather than through solitude. John Locke, famous English philosopher espoused the theory of the blank tablet, or tabula rasa. This theory stated that a person’s mind was a blank tablet at birth, upon which one’s experiences made etches that formed this person’s character. Since one’s experiences tend to involve those around one, an artist naturally will acquire inspiration through his interaction with others. Personally, I have witnessed the effect those around me can have on artistic inspiration through my experiences playing tabla, an classical Indian drum.

When I started off playing, I felt lethargic and lazy about practicing, Tabla seemed like a chore, one that I was forced grudgingly to do. However, after a few weeks of playing, my brother decided that he wanted to learn how to play tabla. Surprisingly, he soaked up the tabla theory, and executed like a prodigy. Of course, no praise came from me, his jealous big brother. While many would give up in this situation, I ironically felt inspired by my brother’s innate tabla skills. Channeling my jealous, I began to practice for hours each day, and soon became a fantastic musician. In retrospect, if I had not had my litter brother to interact with, I never would have experienced my spark of artistic inspiration.

In a similar vein, I felt inspired by a man who was a world famous tabla player named Durga Prasad. My father had somehow managed to have Durgaji, as we respectfully called him, come all the way to America to teach me and my brother. The sheer awe I felt after watching Durgaji play tabla was a feeling I cannot describe. His finger flying across the face of the drum generated the purest sound I had ever heard. Thankfully, through Durgaji’s teachings, I felt inspired enough to go play at my local bhajan, our prayers. Soon, I began to play concerts as well, in front of hundreds of people. I remain eternally indebted to Durgaji, who inspired me to be the best I could, and ultimately taught me that one cannot flourish in solitude.

In conclusion, the artistic passion instilled in me by both my brother and Durgaji is something I never could have acquired by working alone. I suppose Locke’s philosophical wisdom is shown by my life’s tablet, which has been firmly etched upon through all my collaborative experiences with tabla.
</code></pre>

<p>Tell me what you think, and please give me a score and explanation. Thanks!</p>