SAT I Essay - Grade, critique, list strengths/weaknesses, etc.

Test Preparation SAT Preparation
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<p>In modern societies, individuals often rely on others to make decisions for themselves. Many people constantly seek the advise and beliefs of others in order to make choices for themselves; however, following the majority is usually not the best way to make good choices. This notion is exemplified through the literary work of George Orwell’s Animal Farm as well as the history of the Tiananmen Square Massacre.</p>

<p>In George Orwell’s Animal Farm, Orwell delineates the idea that the majority is not always right. Shown through the actions of Boxer, Orwell portrays a society in which the majority of the animals conform to Napoleon’s dictatorship. Seeing how all the animals believe that Napoleon would bring happiness and prosperity to the farm, Boxer took the majority’s judgment for granted and devoted his life towards working diligently for the farm. As he worked extremely hard for the farm, Napoleon saw Boxer as a threat to his power. Subsequently, Napoleon betrayed Boxer by selling him to a slaughter house while deceiving the other animals that Boxer had passed away at an animal hospital. Through Boxer’s betrayal, Orwell delineates how conforming to the majority results in adverse consequences.</p>

<p>Not only are the disastrous effects of conforming to the majority portrayed in literature, but they are also exemplified through the history of the Tiananmen Square Massacre. In 1989, the majority of the students at Beijing University sought to protest against the government in pursuit of more rights and freedoms. Congming, a student at Beijing University, refused to participate in the Tiananmen Square student protest, even though his friend Bendan beseeched him to participate in the protest. Several days later, the military came and crushed the student protestors with tanks, leaving hundreds of students dead. Congming is thankful to this day that he did not join the protest, as he would have been injured or killed by the military had he conformed to the majority like Bendan did. History teaches us that we should use our own intuitions to make wise judgments, as opposed to conforming with the majority.</p>

<p>In conclusion, individuals should depend on themselves to make good choices rather than conforming to the majority. Some may say that the opinion of the majority is usually right, but the negative consequences of relying on the majority outweigh the good.</p>

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<p>Oh, I recently submitted a new essay. Check this out too:
<a href=“http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/sat-preparation/572371-sat-i-essay-creativity-always-better-grade-critique-list-strengths-weakness.html#post1061050289[/url]”>http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/sat-preparation/572371-sat-i-essay-creativity-always-better-grade-critique-list-strengths-weakness.html#post1061050289&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;

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<p>-i like your transition
-but don’t use “In conclusion”!it’s too cliche. and readers KNOW it IS the end of the essay…</p>

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<p>^ Are you regurgitating what the SAT prep teacher told you. Ironically, it’s cliche that you are telling him that the readers KNOW it is the end of the essay. Personally, I believe they read it so fast, that they could care less.</p>

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<p>well i learned that from a book.
but i agree with it though, because In conclusion just sounds very cliche.
although they read it really fast, im sure they would read the beginning part of the conclusion.</p>

<p>well i guess if you have a really strong essay then it doesn’t matter as much,
but yea, just a suggestion to probably bump your essay to a 5 or 6 :)</p>

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<p>oh another suggestion-
DON’T fall into plot summary.
you describe too much about the animal farm and all that,
but the readers want to see how YOU interpret it because they already know what the book is about (considering they are mostly experienced English professors). </p>

<p>I think you have strong vocabs though :slight_smile: the language is good!</p>

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<p>This is a solid 5. </p>

<p>“Following the majority is usually not the best choice”: you should sound surer of yourself. Take out the ‘usually’ if you want to sound persuasive. Some structural problems (“Shown through the actions of Boxer, Orwell portrays a society in which the majority of the animals conform to Napoleon’s dictatorship.”)</p>

<p>I don’t know why, but it was just your style didn’t sound very…forceful. Reading it made me feel more passive than active. Try to use more dynamic diction and more varied structure. The essay itself was a little short for 25 minutes, I thought.</p>

<p>Sorry if I was a little harsh O_o XD</p>