Now when I feel under appreciated I try to verbalize it in a humorous manner.
Example: family finishes dinner that I made and they start to put dishes by the sink, I stay put, say cheesily “Thanks for dinner Mom, you’re the best!” , and hand them my dishes while pointing at the dishwasher.
I am having to do this less often and even get an unsolicited “Mom, you’re the best!” in other situations.
I try to compliment others because it creates energy; negatives destroy energy.
Plus, you rarely know what another has been through or is dealing with.
“Your children was good, but my ex was better, but then she was married to a Mexican”
“Your briscuit is good, but not like my mom’s”
Fine, then go east for your mothers briscuit, etc. never cooked for him again.
What an interesting conversation. My parents never complimented. Unless my Mother was bragging about one of our accomplishments to brag about her parenting skills. Both parents were quick to jump on you if you screwed up though. My H is from a large family and although his parents weren’t looking to call the kids out on the bad they did, they did not do much complimenting either. When I was younger I would always deflect compliments: “oh, it was a team thing”, or " I missed that goal", or “I stumbled during the beginning of the speech”. I never felt deserving. Now, I accept the compliment without exception, but still wonder if I really deserve it. My kids are 180° of me and H.
H is not much of a complimenter, but he does expect them—and I should give him more. Model that behavior.
My mom loves to hear about everyone’s achievements and is effusive with praise, laughter, whatever is called for. I try to be like her. When she is gone, I am not sure who I will be able to brag to!
My dad was not as good with praise, but didn’t undercut us either. He just didn’t react. I could come home and tell him some amazing thing and he would just say “that’s nice.”
Okay, one child is like my mom and likes to hear everyone’s stories and reacts with enthusiasm. He will also unbidden offer praise when you are just stating facts, if he finds them praise worthy. He is my high emotional IQ kid.
Other kid likes praise, but doesn’t give it as often, at least not in words. I can tell from how he acts what he thinks, though. He will remember and call up some little story much later, for example, or want to join me and see something I have bragged about.
Publisher, nice post.
What does silence create? As in when nothing is offered. Curious thought.
@Lizardly’s post is good evidence that people are who they are. A lot depends on one’s personality as much as one’s upbringing. The whole nature/nurture thing. You have an example of kids raised in the same environment and they respond very differently when it comes to doling out compliments. Yet, I’m sure they both love, respect, and appreciate their mother. It’s apparent she has a good handle on what makes her family members tick and manages her expectations based on that.
So, as much as one desires to have family members be generous in their compliments and as much as I think it is a good thing to make efforts to make your needs and wishes known to family members, pragmatic me also thinks that there is only so much changing adults can and will make.
This conversation reminds me of the 5 languages of love. We should express how we wish to be valued, and for many that includes a need to hear compliments, but we should also look at our loved ones’ styles of showing love and appreciation. Perhaps there are other ways they express that they value and appreciate you and your talents/strengths.
“I yam what I yam, and that’s all what I yam.” - Popeye the Sailor Man
H did this thing I called the “boomerang effect”. Something I would say would swing around and smack me in the face later - be it a minute, an hour, or a month later. I would inevitably regret throwing out the boomerang in the first place. The boomerang effect can be either positive or negative. Positives would make you smile. Get whacked with enough negative boomerangs and you never really recover.
Honestly I can’t remember the last compliment I was given. I didn’t grow up receiving them. I am ok with it because I am now at a point where the only person I need to please is myself. If I am happy with something then for me it doesn’t matter what anyone thinks. My attitude has become “If you like me fine. If you don’t like me that is fine too.” You can’t please everybody.
@raclut: Nice post.
@publisher Thanks for the compliment!
I have someone in my life that I realized that when someone said something to him, it was as if he needed to put it through a filter to figure out a way to correct it. It wasn’t always to correct but sometimes to enhance or add to but it felt like correcting often enough that even a little enhancement could be frustrating. Similar to the posts above about Janie is such a nice person! Response: Well, not always. Remember the time xyz? After years of this which, admittedly, took me years to figure out why I often became kind of grumpy after engaging in conversation, I figured out why and shared it with the person. Total denial but I’ve noticed ever since, it happens so much less often. This is also a person who doesn’t dole out too many compliments but sure does praise himself and wants to hear compliments. Very interesting how people can be so different.
^I think I dated that person, collage1!
I’m married to one of the post positive people I know. If I were to believe him he married the smartest, most beautiful woman, the best mother, the most savvy business person. I know he genuinely believes it. He’s taught me a lot over the years. I’m a less positive person than he is, but I do genuinely try. I realize I would be appalled if anyone ever said anything as awful as what I have said about myself. I can be very hard on myself.
I exercise on the peloton with an instructor who really works on positive self talk. Her motto is I am, I can, I will, I do - and you come up with your own positive self talk. Another one is - what if you had to? So it’s like a 45 min to an hour a day of therapy for me.
^^lucky you, @eyemamom!
I tell the cat how fabulous she is all day, every day. She is, in fact, the best cat in the world. Her self-confidence suggests that she may understand me.
My personal philosophy of life is to be grateful and appreciative in all things because my mother was the opposite of that. I never miss the chance to thank or compliment someone, particularly my husband, whom I adore.
However, he grew up with a mother who wasn’t negative, she just absolutely didn’t care and he might as well have been invisible. She bragged about propping him in the corner as a baby and leaving him.
So he needs verbal validation, which I am happy to give, but he doesn’t know how to give it. Thankfully, he is never negative, so his actions can always speak for him.
@Hanna: And that is the difference between cats & dogs. My dogs compliment me every day.
^^That’s why I have both! They build me up and keep me in my place 
@eyemamom, your husband sounds exactly like mine! He truly believes I’m the most beautiful woman in the world. He goes out of his ways to find things to compliment me on. Sure, we have our difficulties, but I am blessed to be married to him.