I grew up in a family that would say a put down if something positive happened to a member.
An example: If you came home from school and said, "I worked so hard on that history paper and I
got an A+!!! A sib would say, “You aren’t that smart”. Parent would ask who else got an A.
Add a super heavy dose of Catholic guilt about pride as a sin and you have the picture.
H was complimented only for achievements.
CC forum parents raised their kids, as did H and myself, to feel good about who they were/are and not
just their achievements.
Our discussion began because whenever I say a positive about myself–
example being that last summer the majority of my summer was spent dealing with a contractor
and workers sacrificing hikes and exercise, etc. I am really excellent in this particular area and work
very hard and making the workers feel appreciated and great( because I genuinely do).
When I said, “I did a good job with the workers this summer”
(H never said a word prior) H replied, “most of the time” as a joke.
This happens if I say anything positive about my strengths. D calls it humble bragging.
H is uncomfortable giving compliments except regarding my cooking.
D has has nothing but compliments and positives from the whole
world her entire life. She was accomplished and grew up in a time that people told her so.
I love some our talks on CC forum and am interested in thoughts and experiences.
It was an interesting conversation with H, not a quarrel. I have a friend who will tell me things
that are unsolicited positives about myself but that is a novelty in my life although I do the same. I just want
people to know that they have special strengths and are appreciated.
I like getting unqualified compliments from people I respect rather than being told “yeah, you mostly did well.” If that’s something you’d prefer, maybe tell your loved ones, startingvwith H and D. There is a time and place for constructive criticism and discussions of how to make the next time even better, but definitely a place for basking in praise for jobs well done that were hard work. Humble brags are OK and your loved ones should give you the praise you deserve, imho.
I get irked when I get backhanded compliments. Either give them and mean it or don’t bother!
I totally agree that you should be able to say something positive about yourself to your close family, and get a pat on the back. I’m finding the older I get, I start to call these things out. The next time you get a response like that from your DH or daughters comments, just stop what you are doing and tell them quietly, “you know what, every time you do something great, or mention it to me, I always give you praise and support. It must be nice to have that. I’d appreciate it back once in awhile”. If they make a joke, or light of it, stand firm. “No, I’m serious. How would you feel?
@oregon1, I think you hit on something important when you said that your daughter had a lot of experience with compliments but your husband didn’t.
I think this is an area where attitudes have changed over the years. They may also vary in different cultural groups and different individual families.
So in one family, if you succeed at something and tell everyone about it, they’ll be happy with you. But in another family, the exact same words may cause concern that you’re getting too full of yourself, and you’ll be criticized in some way to try to correct the situation. I’m not sure which way is better.
I would suggest a conversation with your husband, about how hurtful his joking comments are.
Family is the very basis of all we are. They’re the people who should always be there, a buffer against the outside world.
How happy would he be if your daughter brought home a guy who cut her down the way he cuts you down, even if it’s “only a joke”??? My guess is that it would get very old very fast.
Don’t you deserve the same loving support he would want for your daughter?
I’d also honestly ask yourself, do you give what you want to get? Make sure you are modeling the behavior you wish to see.
Based on other posts I’ve read over time, it seems like contentious moments with your husband aren’t a rare thing. Sorry if this reads as blunt but my intention is sincerely meant to be helpful.
When I was a teenager I was a standout in my position in a specific sport. I used to get a lot of compliments on my play, but being uncomfortable being in the spotlight I would always deflect them. “Aw, thanks, but I screwed up on that play in the second half” or “We really only won because of that other player”, etc.
Finally, a coach pulled me aside and said, “When you reject a compliment you’re invalidating that person’s opinion. It doesn’t make them feel good.”
That changed the way I looked at compliments. I learned to smile and say something like “Thanks! Good game yourself!” I’ve carried it into my adult life. I try to be gracious in accepting compliments and I’ve encouraged people I’ve complimented to do so as well.
I think this kind of deflection is common, particularly among women, and it can be hard to say something unequivocally positive about oneself and not follow it up with self-criticism, ala, “I look really good in this dress! If only I could lose 5 pounds I’d look even better…”
I would talk to your husband at some time when nothing contentious is going on. Keep it brief and light so it doesn’t end up in a blowup or accusations that you’re oversensitive.
Does your daughter call what your husband says humblebragging or does her comment refer to what you say? If it’s the latter you may want to look at how you talk about yourself because it may not be as direct as you think. A humblebrag is usually an indirect way of bragging about oneself or one’s family while pretending not to. An example might be, “I don’t know why that photographer asked me to model for him. My hair was a rat’s nest that day. I looked horrible!” (a humblebrag) instead of “Guess what? I was asked to be in a photo shoot!” (a straightforward brag.) Personally, I much prefer a straightforward brag to a humblebrag.
I come from a family where we compliment each other all the time. My parents constantly tell me how proud they are of me even when I feel like I haven’t done anything. It’s shaped me into a person where I know my strengths and weaknesses very well. I can self-compliment.
My ex was verbally abusive with the passive-aggressive remarks/“compliments.” I didn’t know it until long after we broke up and I was solidly in a good relationship. He killed my self-esteem and Mr R built it back up.
Both Mr R & my best friend come from families where no one compliments each other. Ever. Or when they do, it’s a backhanded compliment at the very best. Both of them have significant self-esteem issues and I think their families are the primary reason for that.
Life is hard, and I think we all do best with cheerleaders at our side. I think that spilling over with happy emotion about an accomplishment (around family and close friends) is not bragging, it’s sharing the amazement that your effort can actually pay off, or that luck has favored you this time. What is wrong with that? When people are snarky and withholding, it just breaks down trust. Why be married or have friends at all with that atmosphere?
Maybe the idea that we should withhold good news comes from some ancient taboo about bringing on the “evil eye.”
I guess if someone spills over constantly, it gets wearing. If someone is always highlighting old accomplishments it’s obnoxious. An old friend’s husband has probably detailed to me 1000 things he’s an expert in ( he actually uses the word, as in “did you know I’m actually an expert in…whatever the conversation is about”). If she weren’t such a dear friend to me I would run for the hills. It’s pretty much just blatant bragging. All the time.
I used to have a husband who liked to call me “(common expletive) **** -for- brains,” as a term of endearment. And woe unto me if I actually expressed delight in doing something well. Also, woe unto me when I DIDN’T do something well. The marriage didn’t last long. He’s now a successful family doctor. If only people knew the other side of this man! But he came from a long Scots/Canadian farming heritage and I imagine there was a lot of stoicism built into the family values.
My mother was very anti-compliment. I remember instead her criticizing me. One particular time, I asked her why. She replied: “If I don’t tell you what’s wrong, who will?” My feeling now is, “It’s a cold, cruel world out there. If you don’t tell me what’s good about me, no one will!”
A few years ago my usually very kind husband had fallen into the habit of “jokingly” putting me down, often in front of the girls. I think they do this a lot at work. I finally had enough and asked him why he thought it was ok to be mean to me when he would never do that to the kids. I was not going to become the butt of the family humor. I think he realized that it had its roots in his childhood and work environment.
I am working on him to see that it is not ok as a work environment.
It is absolutely ok to be proud of an accomplishment or even a small victory during the day. It made me sad when I couldn’t express that with him. We are supposed to be on the same team.
Don’t excuse the bad behavior. You didn’t deserved to be treated that way just because he grew up on a farm, or whatever. Have you ever wondered about his current relationships? Whether they are the same?
Thanks, @sylvan8798, I don’t excuse it…at all…but my mind did/does look at the possible origins of his attitudes and behavior. I do think about how his family culture may have contributed to it. When you’re stuck, alone in a new country, a continent away from family and friends, and you can’t work or go to school legally (while the marriage/immigration paperwork is being processed), with a clever, charismatic and manipulative abuser who spends most of his time with medical school friends (who, by the way think he’s a cuddly bear and compliment his warm bedside manner) you have plenty of time to think “Why, Why, Why!”
Anyway, that was years and years ago. I got the heck out of there after two years and went to graduate school to save my own life. I only know of him now by googling his professional info. I don’t try to figure out his private life at all. Best to stay WELL away!!!
And now, back to our regularly scheduled programming
Interesting thread! My husband struggles with giving compliments or affirming positive qualities in others & about life in general.
If you say, “Joanne is such a sweetheart! So funny & kind!” — he feels a strong urge to point out an incident in the past where Joann was not so funny & kind. “Well, yeah, but remember when she…”
Hullo! We can say someone is “patient” or “kind” even if they are not patient or kind 24/7 every single day of their entire decades long life!?
It sounds a bit similar to what the OP’s H did…that “need” to point out it was not 100% perfect!
I think it is a kindness to try to help our loved ones NOT always have to try raining on praise of someone else. It is a skill that is worthy of developing and impacts people around them and the relationships they form (or don’t). We all have to overcome any issues in the homes we were raised in where some of us didn’t get the affirmations that were deserved and try to do better and have our loved ones do better so that compliments are joyful rather than backhanded and slyly insulting.
I am seriously enjoying each one of your responses. So many angles and points to think about.
H’s family will compliment for cooking tasty food. That’s about all I can think of (which I had not realized).
They share information but not opinions and never feelings. As MIL was clearly going to die soon they
began looking at this. But only the last few weeks so even the thought that they do not share emotions is new.
D never applauds herself which to her is the meaning humble bragging. “I am so happy, I got an A” but
not “I received the highest grade in the class. I am really good at this subject!”.
Some good points made-
4 Don't get too full of yourself
5 great concept about watching D's H "joking" with her
7 Actually I am very direct and do not minimize compliments but did have to learn this years ago
8 Verbally abusive? No. Really more awkward, not knowingly mean (although sometimes we don't realize that our behavior is unkind because we did not have that intention).
12 My mother would criticize and then say, "I was just telling the truth".
13 Yes, we are suppose to be on the same team
This does not come up very often. I don’t walk around applauding myself.
Yesterday I had figured out an annoying problem we were having with our texts that
H had not been able to fix. He was happy and mention that it worked.
I am looking for the rest of it (that I freely give) which is “Great job! It worked”.
And an occasional, “You are really good at figuring things out” (which I am as I am tenacious and
he gives up). And minimally that if I say those things he agrees.
Part of the problem is that this is out of his comfort zone and he really does not know what to say.
But he is going to learn ;).
