My very strict Chinese parents are threatening me and I’m not sure what to do. Here’s the situation:
I recently moved from a fairly competitive public school in Boston (like a dozen kids go to an Ivy every year) to a pretty mediocre one in Indiana. I didn’t have straight As at my old school; in fact, I had one B in my sophomore year Honors precalc class and two B pluses in an Honors Online Chemistry course I took the summer after freshman year (well, technically it was one B plus but it counted as two semesters). My parents were FURIOUS at me and I had to promise them that I wouldn’t get another B in my high school career. They forced me to take the SAT and SAT subject test in math 2 later in my sophomore year even though I thought I wasn’t ready for it. They told me that if I wanted to redeem myself for my previous failures, I had to do well on these two tests.
Well, it turns out that they underestimated how unprepared I was and I ended up with two really bad scores that now I can’t erase (1400 and 690 if anyone’s curious). My parents told me that junior year was my one last chance to amend things and that if I messed up a third time, I won’t have their support anymore. I wasn’t completely sure what that meant and I was too scared to ask, so I just didn’t say anything.
My parents decided to move to Indiana over the summer because of my dad’s job. I go to a high school that’s significantly easier with more grade inflation. I took the SAT a second time and got a 1530, and my parents are demanding a retake this spring with straight As. The thing is, I started to get very depressed and anxious because my high school was not very welcoming and it was really hard for me to make new friends since, well, small town Indiana is not exactly friendly to newcomers. My grades started to slip and as a result, I ended up with four As and a B plus in my AP Microeconomics class for the past semester. My grades came out around half an hour ago and I’m scared to tell my parents especially because they know that applicants from low-acheiving schools require nearly straight As- or how else will colleges know that I am ready to handle harder coursework?
I’m not completely sure what to tell my parents because I know that they will do something to me and I’m really scared what it is. If anyone in the Parent forum could help me get out of this situation not hurt, that would be great.
PS: I just wanted to add that I can’t really ask my counselor to reveal my depression in her rec letter because she literally hates me and has told me a couple things that lets me know that I can’t trust her with anything. I’m not going to type them out here because it’s super personal information.
Hugs to you, OP. This sounds like a very tough situation. Here’s what I know: You are very smart. You have great SAT scores (a 1530!). And you’re a strong writer. You have one year to go and then you will be in a very good college and will be able to begin building an independent life.
If you have high GPA and SAT score, take a full *ride/i merit scholarship so that they cannot use the threat of pulling college funding as a lever of abuse. Here is a list (but verify on college web sites):
I dont think your Asian parents will really cut off the supoort. We do have s soft spot and they know that they will be socially buried from their Asian friends and relatives for failing their parental duties much more seriously than letting you get some B’s.
But if worst cones then you can trust @ucbalumnus that you will be able to get a full ride somewhere with your still great gpa and sat scores.
Are you afraid your parents might hurt you physically? If so, and you don’t want to go to your school counselor, you need to find another adult you trust (teacher, sympathetic relative, friend’s parent?) who might be able to help you talk to your parents. Your parents need a reality check. The reality is that if the few Bs you’ve gotten are all in weighted (AP or honors )classes, your GPA is still excellent. Your 1530 SAT score is outstanding. Your parents ought to be proud. You will get into a good college. You could get merit aid for your scores. If your parents refuse to support you financially, you can still make it. (I imagine they were exaggerating when/if they said they’re cutting off support if you got one more B…)It is hard to move in the middle of high school. But still you’ve done very well. Good luck–I hope your parents will be reasonable.
is your weighted GPA 4.0 or higher? if so then you can get full tuition and housing from UAH. if you work during the year and summers you can pay for meals and books.
if you have at least one such option that does not require their financial support, that transfers all the leverage in this situation from them to you. you have earned a full-ride or close to it somewhere.
Your post breaks my heart. My son’s girlfriend grew up in a home that sounds a lot like yours. They have been dating for over 2 years and she has opened up a little to him and he suspects past physical abuse over grades and scores.
Are your parents physically abusive? If they are you really need to find an adult you trust and get help. Maybe a teacher or someone from church. If it is verbal (which is still horrible) maybe you can learn to tune them out somewhat. If you are not in physical danger just keep telling yourself you have another year and a half and then you can get out of your home. I’m sorry you are dealing with this.
So sorry to hear this, especially since you seem like a great/hard-working/smart person (honestly, you could be joining gangs or doing drugs or w/e)!! Can you talk to your parents that a few Bs won’t kill your application? So many people that I know who got into great schools didn’t have a 4.0 (some weren’t even close) because your app has so many more components that are more important. gl and stay safe
Hi everyone, thanks for all the support. It’s nice to know that @ucbalumnus and the rest of you guys are directing me to college scholarships. That’s a good note for the future, but as for now, does any parent have any good ideas on what to say to strict Asian parents specifically to get them to calm down? Thanks @SculptorDad@dallastxmom@Wien2NC@atomom
It can be difficult to “control” how another person reacts to something, so I don’t think there is anything guaranteed to ensure your parents react in a nice way over your one B+ in an AP course, if they are hung up thinking it’s so detrimental. However, you CAN try to control how you respond to them. Instead of hiding your grades or letting their criticism get you down and depressed, focus on YOU staying calm and confident, knowing that you are extremely smart and highly accomplished, and will get into a great university and do well there regardless of any Bs, and your time under your parents’ direct care and influence is limited.
Aside from that, you might find some helpful tips from this Asian professor in his article: Understanding and Dealing with Overbearing Asian Parents.
@honeymustard I understand how you feel. I hosted international Chinese high school students for years and stopped partly because I could not deal with their overbearing parents anymore. The kids were great, the parents not so much. They really expected their mediocre students to attend Ivy league schools. The kids were so stressed trying to attain an impossible goal.
My husband is a very successful business man. The parents of the students I hosted, equated money with success. Every time they would walk into my home, they would be in awe. I tried explaining to them that my husband had very average grades at a very average university. I really should have shown them his transcript so they would believe that average grades could equal a good life. I think the students started to believe it, but the parents just weren’t getting it. Good luck to you!
You should title your post “Scared of My Parents”. None of Asian parents I know are like this. Maybe they are recent immigrants who might not know how US admission to top schools work. In US, just because you have perfect grades and test scores does not mean you will get into one of top schools. Just tell them nicely that you are trying hard and they should not put additional pressure on you, and that you want to pursue what makes you happy whether that is to attend state colleges or pursue a major of your own choosing, even though you are grateful for their concerns. My Asian parents (recent immigrants) always taught me my health is the most important and they left it up to me if I wanted to study hard. As a result, I skipped many days of high school to play sports and do other things such as play arcade games and graduated high school with 3.0 gpa but still managed to get into a great school when I put my mind to it. In fact, they wanted me to go to a top 100 ranked school near home instead of attending an Ivy college far away for nearly free. Because I grew up under my parents who put no academic pressure on me to study hard, I put no pressure on my own kid, and his GPA and test scores were far from perfect, but when he found his own motivation (he suddenly got motivated on his own when he became sophomore), he got into Stanford REA even though many of his classmates with perfect GPA and perfect test scored were denied. Your grades and test scores are good enough for any top colleges, but the way college admission in the U.S. works, you may or may not get into any top colleges. Therefore, apply to several Honors Colleges which will give you big merit scholarships as a back-up so you don’t have to depend on your parents financially.
@honeymustard You can’t control how your folks will respond, all you can do is control your comments. Be honest and tell them what your grades were this semester. I’m sure it will be difficult, but I would try not to respond to their hysteria. You have great grades and an excellent SAT score; try not to worry. You will get into a good college and I doubt your parents will stop supporting you. Often the bark is worse than the bite IYKWIM?
It sounds like you could use some help dealing with depression? If so, talk to a teacher you trust since you don’t trust your guidance counselor. Perhaps he/she could assist you in getting some ongoing counseling.
My parents were immigrants (not Asian) and they were much like your parents. Over time, I learned that the best way to deal with them was to wait until they were rational and calm. Good luck to you!
I don’t have any specific advice, but just want to send you hugs right now. This is a safe place to vent, to ask questions, and to get advice on those full ride merit scholarships that will free you from your intimidating parents.
If walking away from your parents now is not an option, then you need to find ways to soothe yourself in the midst of the storms they are raining down on you. It may be easier to agree with your parents, ask for forgiveness, and tell them you will do better. I am not telling you to BELIEVE the crap words you will be performing for your parents, in fact I encourage you to find ways to build up your confidence. But I think the reality is that they are not going to change, so you may be feeding them lies for the next couple of years.
There are no magic words to give you that will change how your parents are choosing to react to your academics.
If they are beating you, or withholding food to punish you, then I encourage you to let a trusted teacher know. You do not have to put up with that kind of abuse. If they force you to go without sleep so that supposedly you can have more time to study, that is also abuse.
Please keep coming back to this forum. Even if there are no right answers to give you. This is a safe place.
Hmm, maybe you can use my son’s mantra: “Mom, you’re not helping!” (no, I’m not Asian and I’m not that bad, but I’m still an immigrant!). He says when he’s pushed too much he inevitably gets depressed and anxious and can’t work as well as he can work when he’s calm. You know, blame parents for your B’s. Not sure if this will help, sorry. I wish you luck.
Hi everyone, thanks so much for all of your support. I wanted to answer a couple of questions I got through both this thread and PMs:
Many of you have asked about physical punishment. I want to share a story with you all:
My dad has always been physically inappropriate with me. Last year, I reached out for help when I was in a very compromising situation. A CPS officer came to my house and eventually concluded that my family needed therapy. However, this never followed through, and eventually, things got back to the way they were before I reached out. I’ve decided against calling the police again since I know that change requires effort on my parents’ part and they’re convinced that they’ve done nothing wrong. I guess my best option is to wait until college to be free, which brings up this:
I copy pasted this from a PM I sent someone but I may need my parents' financial support for the future because I'm interested in majoring in a humanities-based field. I think this might be problematic in a couple of ways, one of the less obvious ones being that if I miraculously manage to convince my parents to let me major in a humanities field, it'll be more important than ever that I have their support since it's likely that I'll be dependent on them for longer if I majored in something more practical. I think the argument of the prestige of the school not mattering for future earnings also applies less to humanities-based fields just because in an industry that relies on soft skills like communications, connections and "prestige" are probably more important than in fields like engineering. I'm not sure what to do here- any advice would be appreciated. Thanks!
Hi everyone, I really appreciate the support. My dad has physically abused me in the past but when I tried to reach out for help, a CPS officer suggested therapy and nothing happened. I’ve stopped trying to reach out for outside help because my parents have to be willing to change and they’re convinced nothing is wrong with them.
I also wanted to copy paste a PM I sent someone:
Yes, my dad is an engineer, which is interesting because he absolutely does not condone my interest in majoring in a humanities-based field. I think this might be problematic in a couple of ways, one of the less obvious ones being that if I miraculously manage to convince my parents to let me major in a humanities field, it’ll be more important than ever that I have their support since it’s likely that I’ll be dependent on them for longer than if I majored in something more practical. I think the argument of the prestige of the school not mattering for future earnings also applies less to humanities-based fields just because in an industry that relies on soft skills like communications, connections and “prestige” are probably more important than in fields like engineering. That’s why I’m hesitant to just go to the school that offers me the most merit- I’m not sure what to do here and I’d appreciate the help. Thanks
You are mistaken about a humanities major. My son attended a private liberal arts college and left school at age 20, without a degree of any kind, and was able to find a job that summer and move out and live on his own within a few months. Obviousy his standard of living wasn’t the same as it would have been if he had a STEM degree-- but there are plenty of jobs. My son eventually went back to school and got a degree from a regional public university (well known but not prestigious and not competitive for admissions) – and was hired for a decent job in a distant city within a few weeks after graduation. He found shared housing arrangements with other young people and never needed financial assistance from me.
You are confusing the concept of average starting salary with living wage. So maybe the best thing you could do for yourself right now would be to get a job – it might be a confidence builder for you, and given that you are now in a less competitive high school, you might find that it actually helps your GPA if it results in alleviating some of the depression and sense of helplessness you feel. Plus it will give you some place to be outside of your home and you may find the workplace more welcoming than your high school has been.
I’m so sorry that you’re going through all of this. Your parents sound like the epitome of Not Helpful. But honestly, if you look at that list of automatic full ride schools you will see that you have options and you will be able to get to a place where your parents have no hold over you. A year and a half IS a very long time, but it’s the light at the end of the tunnel and I hope you can see it.
If your parents are so hot on you majoring in STEM, you might try making prejudice work for you. Point out to them that it is harder for an Asian to get into a prestige college with a STEM major, and that if they want to increase your odds of success at that step in your career they’ll support your efforts at honing your talents.
I am sorry you ended up with a crap guidance counselor. If she violated confidentiality, consider looking up your county school board bylaws to see whether it’s something she can be sanctioned for. Something like that is toxic not only for you but for all the other students under her care. She needs to be better, and you could be the instrument for that change.
For what it’s worth. I do believe the prestige of a college is less important for STEM majors, and that it’s harder for Asian American students to get into top schools as a STEM major just because there are so many well qualified Asian American students applying to these schools. I had 800 in SAT math but found out I was not very good or interested in STEM areas so I graduated with a major in Humanities. I found that I was very good in this major and was able to get As without studying much. When I applied to law school, I argued my 3.0 gpa does not reflect my abilities because had I started in Humanities major, I would have 3.9+ gpa instead of 2.9 gpa. With a good LSAT score, good recommendation letter from a city prosecutor for whom I helped on her case and good essays incorporating themes from African American literature classes I took, I got into a top 5 law school. You seem like you can also do well in Humanities. I strongly believe a College should be a place where you find your interest and change your major. I changed my major 5 times but graduated in 4 years. Humanities major might not provide a clear road to a well paying job but that uncertainty challenged me. I get bored when the career laid before me is so clear cut. Anyway, work on reducing your financial dependence on your parents as much as possible.