Score my essay? (want to compare)

<p>I want to see whether my recent essay was graded harshly or not...grade it please? I did not erase any mistakes I say while typing it (although some annoyed me greatly). Thanks!</p>

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<p>[The American legal system declares that one is an adult at the age of 18. But true maturity is not measured by chronological age. A forty-year old can behave more immaturely than a four year old. The true test on maturity is the ability to accept responsibility for one’s own actions.]</p>

<p>Is the willingness to accept responsibility the true test of maturity?</p>

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<p>Age is a nonfactor in the measurement of maturity; it is the actions that demonstrate the principles of those who are mature. The penultimate trait found in mature individuals is the willingness to accept responsibility. This characteristic is essential for a person to tap into his or her potential and work towards reaching success. The importance of accepting responsibility can be seen in both a legendary athlete and in a classic novel about young boys. </p>

<p>Few people know that Michael Jordan, the now hall of fame retired basketball player, was cut from his Varsity team in his sophomore season. The reason for the coach’s decision was stated to be a trite one: Jordan was exhibiting traits of immaturity. He had a plethora of undeveloped potential, but like many young kids, he allowed his indolency to take a hold of him. Upon hearing the news, Michael knew he only had two choices to make; he could either accept the situation and work to make the team next year or he could fall back into his old mores and pursue denial of the scenario. Fortunately, he chose the former and worked throughout summer, and dominated his JV league in order to achieve his goals. The rest of his story has been immortalized as one of the most successful in sports history. His legendary status and the fact that his name is now a household word is all spanning from the maturity he chose when making his decision to accept his critics and work in order to improve himself.</p>

<p>When a group of people refuse to accept responsibility, however, a simple mishap can lead into a disastrous scene, as in Lord of the Flies., In this book, a group of young teenage boys experience a plane crash into an island near Europe. In an effort to survive without their dead pilot, they attempt to construct a hierarchy in which the can manage themselves better in. This step demonstrates some maturity as they are trying to accept the scenario and improve it. Soon, however, a power struggle sprouts up between Jack and Ralph and leads into utter chaos, turning the once civilized boys into savage, nomadic individuals with beastial attributes. They end up killing one another in blind maturity and never see the true outcome of their actions. The boys never accept responsibility to better the situation that turns into a catastrophe, and are deemed immature.</p>

<p>As seen from Michael Jordan and The Lord of the Flies, maturity in indeed measured by the willingness to accept responsibility. In the former scenario, Jordan acknowledged his weakness and turned it into his strength. In the latter, the group of boys refuse to acknowledge the scene and suffer in denial.</p>

<p>Bummppp número Uno</p>

<p>Anybody?</p>

<p>62 views....anyone PLEASE score?</p>

<p>I think its good; it has a lot of detail-maybe 10 or 11? I think you should add one more body paragraph for a 12; three is the magic number. But then again, I don't even know how to score my own essays, so I know just as much as you do...sorry...</p>

<p>But good luck :)</p>

<p>I was expecting a 9-10 on this one, my grader gave it a 7 for 'off-topic"/other reasons.... thanks for the input eliza</p>

<p>any grades? critiques? I know YOU are reading this! :D</p>

<p>LilBallerx8,</p>

<ol>
<li>You picked a side and argued it which is a step in the right direction. Moreover, your essay is inundated with SAT vocabulary which is just awesome! Great work my friend. You lack the 12 because you need to support your examples and link back to your thesis just a little bit more. Your 80% of the way there. Write about how Michael Jordan's persistence and acceptance of responsiblity paved the way to his success. You aren't entirely off topic, however you need to shape your thesis more in the direction you want to go with the essay and really support your argument. Remember, the SAT essay tests how well you can make an ARGUMENT. Not how well you can reiterate plain facts. Also, a small tip: always underline the book (if that is an example) and state the author. Overall, nice essay. </li>
</ol>

<p>~Aceventura74</p>

<p>Thanks a lot, Ace, exactly what I was looking for. </p>

<p>My grader gave this a 7 because I failed to be on-topic; for her, that meant writing DIRECTLY about the part in the box [The true test on maturity is the ability to accept responsibility for one’s own actions], and since about 3/4th of the students don't even read the box, the average score was a 6-8. </p>

<p>As for the critiquing, many thanks again....and I underlines the title on the essay itself, just don't know how to use the CC code for modifications to the post lol.</p>

<p>LilBallerx8, </p>

<p>Yeah, be careful about going off topic, I've done that a few times. Just practice and you'll be fine. Btw, underlining is important but not nearly as important as stating the author =P!</p>

<p>~Aceventura74</p>