Score my essay?

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1

<p>*Sorry I had posted in the general forums earlier, realized it now only.</p>

<p>So well, every time I try to write an essay, I get ideas, but then jsut cant put them into sentences in time. And most of the time I usually waste the first 4-5 minutes trying to think of a solid examples to support my case.
So here I tried making up examples to support my point of view.
Please score my essay and let me know if the examples are good enough.</p>

<p>Assignment : Do changes that make our lives easier not necessarily make them better?</p>

<p>Technological innovations, inventions and other discoveries were made in attempts to make life easier. On the contrary, it has only caused more problems and more burdens to people.</p>

<p>In the political elections in my district, new Electronic Voting Machines (EVMs) were installed in every poll booth. Hitherto, only the ballot-paper was used, and with the introduction of EVMs, the process of calculating votes was to be greatly simplified. But during the polls, the EVMs malfunctioned - some did not accept votes, while the others were incorrectly registering the votes. And this flaw was only realised after the polling officers checked the EVMs, and saw that some candidates had 100% of the votes, and the others registered only about 30-40 votes when 100+ people had voted that day. The ballot-paper system, which was replaced by the EVMs, would not have caused such a large distortion of votes. The elections had to be redone.</p>

<p>Another example of where technological advancements have caused much bigger problems is in the case of Robert Johnson. Robert had some rash on his wrist, and instead of going to a doctor, he used a mobile application on his iPhone. The mobile app was supposed to be able to recognize the rash, through a picture taken through the camera, and then diagnose it. The mobile app suggested he put hot water on the rash spot and apply some antiseptic cream. Only after 2 weeks, when the rash spread up to his arm, did Robert go to consult a doctor. He found out that the rash was cancerous, and needed an immediate surgery. Here the mobile app, a technological innovation, wrongly disgnosed the rash, and caused more problems to Robert.</p>

<p>As we can see in the cases of the EVMs and the mobile app used by Robert, technology caused more problems. Robert’s rash could have been treated had he gone to consult a doctor at first. And in the case of EVMs, if they used the old-ballot paper system, though it would have taken more time and effort, would have not caused an error as big as in the case of the EVMs. Technology hence causes more burdens in the lives of people, than making it better.</p>

<p>(I know my concluding paragraph is messed up, was down to my last minute and couldn’t think properly in my noisy class)</p>

2

<p>Well if nobody’s going to score my essay, could anyone atvleast tell me if it’s alright to use an example like the way I used one in the 3rd paragraph?</p>

3

<p>Its a 3.</p>

<p>I didnt really feel like you had convinced me of your thesis. So “Robert Johnson” (hate the example) was misdiagnosed. Isnt that like a 1 in 100 thing? What is there about Robert Johnson’s case that shows that technology inevitably makes things worse? </p>

<p>You could have used your voting machine case to help your position more. Maybe the fact that technology is good at solving 90% (or 95% or whatever) of a problem so inexpensively and so quickly that we get seduced into going for technology solutions and ignoring the 10% that doesnt get covered very well. Maybe the EVM system works great for most people, but the very elderly dont understand it and now have trouble voting. Maybe the EVM’s can tell you the winner right away but in that 1% chance they crash then there is no record of who won like there would be in the paper system.</p>

<p>Basically you are trying to find some mechanism to show that technology in general is always (or nearly) going to cause additional problems. I have seen people argue privacy issues of over sharing and lack of real down time because of pervasive technology. But the point is to make a generalized argument.</p>

4

<p>Thank you for the feedback argbargy.
I guess I should just stick to real life examples instead of trying to come up with some stories.</p>

5

<p>wait, don’t make up information for your sat essay!! I found it super helpful to go to some well-known historical examples rather than pressure myself to think up some specific things on the spot.</p>

6

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<p>Ok, but that isnt so much the point. If are going to make something up it should really be perfect in emphasizing the argument you are making. </p>

<p>College board isnt looking to see if you can come up with 3 isolated examples that fit the premise of the prompt. Thats a trivia contest. They want you to demonstrate critical thinking in constructing an argument. Thats what you are graded on. </p>

<p>Take a look at the scoring guide. It can be helpful to look at the 2’s and 3’s to see why those essays are lacking.
[SAT</a> Essay Scoring - How SAT Essays Are Scored](<a href=“The SAT – SAT Suite | College Board”>Understanding SAT Scores – SAT Suite | College Board)</p>