<p>Your post is why I laugh when people post how they will get more intellectual stimulation if everyone was the HS val with 1500 SATs. What you often get is what your son found. People with no time for others who might get in the way of their ride to the top job etc.</p>
<p>Oh, my. Where to start?</p>
<p>Momof2, your son’s story could have been my son’s story. Last March, when our son was just a month shy of graduating from college, my husband and I made the difficult decision to medically withdraw him from college (with full tuition reimbursement.) Our son had fallen into a depression so severe that he was almost unrecognizable, when compared to the bright, eager young man we’d sent away three years earlier. The day we picked him up and brought him home was one of the most difficult days of my life. When I saw him hugging all his friends and saying his goodbyes with tears streaming down his face, I thought my heart would break. My son and I cried the entire length of the long drive home. </p>
<p>The next few months were extremely difficult. We got our son involved in extensive psychotherapy. His psychiatrist tried several different antidepressant meds, but we saw little if any improvement. In early June, our son was in a single car accident (the result of excessive speed) that almost ended his life. My husband and I got a call at 2:30 A.M. that there had been a terrible accident and our son had been life-flighted to a big hospital in a nearby city. We made the one-and-a-half hour drive not knowing if he were alive or dead. When we arrived, we found he’d sustained a skull fracture and bleeding on the brain. Fortunately, someone was watching over him, as he went on to make a complete recovery.</p>
<p>From the depths of despair, things could only get better. Over the next few months, his antidepressant medications finally started to kick in. I noticed a little improvement each and every day. During this time, he began working at an internship in his chosen field. He excelled at his job, which gave a much-needed boost to his self-confidence. </p>
<p>By last December, we had our son back. He was again the loving, responsible, curious boy we’d always known before his breakdown. Although it scared his dad and I to death, we agreed he could return to college this January for his last semester. And guess what? He’s doing GREAT. Yesterday, he called me just to tell me how happy he is and to thank us for literally saving his life. I’m so proud of him.</p>
<p>We’ve had a couple of setbacks. Three weeks ago, my heart almost stopped when my son called and couldn’t get any words out through his tears. It turns out his college roommate of three years (who graduated last May) committed suicide. No one even knew he was depressed. The most important piece of advice I can give to those of you who are worried about your kids is to listen to your intuition. If you think something is wrong, it probably is. Be proactive. I knew something was wrong with my son, and I was just lucky enough to reach him in time to do something about it.</p>
<p>Depression runs in families. If you have one child who has struggled with depression, please warn your other children and alert them to the symptoms. Our daughter, who is currently a sophomore at a rigorous top-ten school, was blindsided last semester when her depression hit her like a Mack truck. She had always been happy and energetic – tons of friends and always the life of the party. When she told us she was losing interest in things she once loved, avoiding friends, and skipping classes, we knew what to do. We told her to run, not walk, to the counseling center at her school. She is currently on antidepressants and is feeling much better.</p>
<p>Our children aren’t perfect, and they sometimes throw us curveballs. All we can do is love them. When they do get back on the right track, I can personally attest to the fact that it’s just about the greatest joy a parent can feel. </p>
<p>Believe me when I say there’s light at the end of the tunnel.</p>
<p>All of these posts remind me to really listen when my daughter calls. Thank you.</p>
<p>"I love your idea of a house with an adult couple who teaches cooking and keeps in touch with parents. Of course, if any of us can remember what we were like in college, we can imagine how eager we would have been to live with adults, especially adults who kept in touch with our parents.'</p>
<p>I don’t know how other folks are in their religious denomination, but the number of Quakers in the world is so small, we have used local Meetings in just such a way. The Clerk of our Meeting wrote a letter of “sojourning” to the Meeting in the college town where d. was attending, and they have become like a second family. Folks have occasionally taken her out to dinner, provided space for her to make presentations about her travels, and, when she was feeling a bit poorly, we had folks that we trusted whom we could call. If she ever needed housing over a break, it would be provided. </p>
<p>Now they got a bonus back - our d.! (She serves on several national Friendly bodies.) We hadn’t planned it that way, and were relatively surprised that she decided to include the availability of a local Meeting in her decisionmaking (several schools had none). Now, she even makes connections when she is abroad.</p>
<p>All this is a long way of saying that it can be important for us all to expand our social safety net, and can be a great asset to the kids.</p>
<p>I have taken much solace from this thread. Thank you to deb922 for starting it. Thank you to all who have shared their stories and concerns for their own kids. Special thanks to MOWC and Mof2Incas for baring your souls, and your stories in such detail. For those of us whose boys may be suffering but are not likely to share, you really helped us see what might be lying under the surface.</p>
<p>I put myself in that category. Most of you will remember the bumps and bruises my S incurred as a freshman - not self-inflicted at all, but due to the forces of nature, aka Katrina. His freshman year derailed, we watched him handle it with equanimity and positive outlook. He loved that year at two different schools and loved both schools. Somehow, this somewhat shy kid who makes good friends, but makes them s-l-o-w-ly and makes just a few, found himself comfortable and content in two places.</p>
<p>Then with his forced transfer, we worried and fretted about whether he’d find happy acceptances. And we rejoiced and reveled when the acceptance call from one of his very top choices came. Now he is there. And he doesn’t like it. He doesn’t like what he considers the GPA-obsession and grade-grubbing. (And he’s no saint; part of the reason he doesn’t like it is that it means he has to work that much harder to stay in the game). He hasn’t made real friends. He and his roommate appeared muy sympatico at the outset, but that doesn’t seem to have held. He’s visited back to Tulane already twice in one semester and is headed back for spring break - saving his pennies and spending little to nothing on social fun where he is in order to finance the trips. I love that he made such great friends there. But I so wish he could find a group where he is.</p>
<p>He toyed with transferring again. I think he won’t. He feels he is at a good place for his education. But I would like to see him take some pleasure from the experience. Housing lottery comes at the end of the week. I am praying for a good number so that he can get the on-campus single he wants. Because he doesn’t have a group to house with, whether on or off campus.</p>
<p>And mostly, especially from what Momof2 has posted, I wonder how much I <em>don’t</em> know. I know (am I right?) not to pry. So I ask little. When I do on occasion ask how goes the battle, he is “ok.” We were able to have a great talk when he first broached the subject of another transfer. We gave him some suggestions (some taken, most not) for how to find a happier situation where he is. I do think, in fact I am almost sure, that it was a great, great relief to him to hear our reaction to his concerns. We did not pooh-pooh them. We did not try to sell him on how great a place he was in. We gave him “permission” to feel he wasn’t in the right place. And we gave him “permission” to want out. I think sometimes just knowing that your family will be behind you no matter what lifts a great burden. And allows them to think more openly about their options, knowing that they have them and will be supported.</p>
<p>But now, when I hear (or see in IM’s, our primary form of “communication”) that things are “ok, fine”, I will know - with even more surety than I might have - that they may not be. The question is when/whether/how to dig deeper.</p>
<p>His problems and my worries are pale, oh so pale, compared to what others of you are experiencing. But we all hurt when they hurt. And sometimes we bleed.</p>
<p>As I said, great solace here. And great insight.</p>
<p>
Thank you, atempo. Your additional post has given me a resolve. I am headed down to DS’ schools for a lax game. I am going to take/tell some of these stories. I am going to probe to be sure “ok, fine” is in fact okay and fine. I’m not sure I would have had I not had the privilege of this thread.</p>
<p>mini,
It does sound like you have a wonderful support group within the Quaker community!</p>
<p>My heart goes out to all the wonderful parents who are going through rough times with their beloved children. Your love for your children is palpable…Hang in there! May you find peace soon.</p>
<p>Something to add to the mix:</p>
<p>Winter Blues Plague Undergrads</p>
<p>Published On Thursday, February 22, 2007 1:53 AM
By ANTHONY J. MICALLEF
Contributing Writer</p>
<p>While the cloudy Cambridge skies and snow-capped lecture halls may seem innocuous to many students, the belated winter weather can lead to depression for others.</p>
<p>Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) is a “fairly common problem” at Harvard during the winter months, according to Richard D. Kadison, Harvard’s chief of mental health at University Health Services (UHS).</p>
<p>The condition occurs when people don’t receive enough natural light, which can increase the risk of depression, Kadison wrote in an e-mail.
<a href=“http://www.thecrimson.com/article.aspx?ref=517200[/url]”>http://www.thecrimson.com/article.aspx?ref=517200</a></p>
<p>Man, this is one thread that has really got me going emotionally. Good thing the kleenex box is handy, right next to the computer.</p>
<p>MOWC – tks. for your post. You are the voice of experience, the veteran who has seen it all! Truly you have been of more help than you know, sharing your ups and downs with your son. </p>
<p>atempo – Glad your son is doing better. That is really tragic news about his former roommate. That is a big blow. Keep your eye on your son. </p>
<p>Jmmom – it is a fine line to walk, trying to be supportive but not too nosy. My second son used to tell me to back off, that I always thought he was <em>depressed</em> when he wasn’t, not sure that he wasn’t to tell you the truth, but what do you do with these boys who don’t want to/don’t know how to talk about such things? I think I’ll give him a call today, see how he’s doing. He’ll probably tell me he’s busy, and will call back later, but oh well . . . he seems okay, but he has indicated that he is getting kind of tired of school.</p>
<p>I’ve also been reading these posts with a giant lump in my throat and tears in my eyes. I’m just so thankful that so many of you have kids who are opening up to you, as painful as those conversations must be. I am keeping you and your children in my thoughts and prayers.</p>
<p>I also read with a lump in my throat. Your children are all blessed to have parents who care about them.
It is scary to watch your children spiral out of control. You just pray that they allow you to help them. The reality of being 18 is that they legally are an adult and it is very hard to get them treatment if they don’t feel they need it.
Also the reality that mental health care can be very expensive and insurance doesn’t cover much.
I am hopeful for all of you. Thank you for sharing with us.</p>
<p>My heart goes out to all of you, too. Your willingness to share your kids’ stories is so courageous. You have reminded me to take nothing for granted, and to always listen to my kids with full attention. (The taciturn male child gives me few opportunities to listen.) Sometimes I think it’s easy to be seduced into thinking that our very bright, very high-achieving kids are, after all, golden. They are not. Growing up is a challenge. </p>
<p>Beautiful posts, Alumother.</p>
<p>I really appreciate everyone’s sharing of their children’s emotionally taxing times in school, and I think it helps us all to know that it’s not at all rare to suffer such struggles. Casual conversations with acquaintances at the grocery store or at the PTA meeting never yield such information and always seem to give one the impression that everyone else’s children are thriving and happy. I guess the semi-anonymity of CC is what allows the more frank sharing, and I find that really valuable.</p>
<p>In addition to parents being helped by knowing that their own kids aren’t the only ones going through tough times, I think it’s helpful for the students to know that they’re not the only ones suffering. I really think students think that they’re the only ones who’re feeling stressed out, depressed, out of control or whatever and that everyone else is stable, happy and excelling academically and socially. </p>
<p>My own D had a couple of relatively minor meltdowns last semester – fueled by lack of sleep (less than an hour) that resulted in miserable performances on some quizzes and midterms and not surprisingly, also resulted in overly emotional reaction to those miserable performances. I think lack of sleep exacerbates most problems, and in the college situation, it can really lead to moderate problems becoming true crises. I was glad to be able to field the stressed out, whimpering phone calls from my D (I suspect my S would not have called), and I was able to make some suggestions that seemed to help. One sign to me of how low she was feeling was that she actually took my suggestions. The other thing I was able to convince her was that she was not the only one feeling the way she was. She said she didn’t see it in anyone else, but then she conceded that no one but me knew how she was feeling. She is perpetually cheerful and comes across as very even keeled and in control. It was a real eye opener for her to contemplate the possibility that there were a lot of others there who looked like they were handling things just fine but weren’t. She ended up talking to her proctor and getting some good advice for coming up with a plan to manage her time better. I feel confident that she is transparent enough with me that I will know how things are going. My S is less inclined to share what he’s feeling, and I find that much more worrisome. This thread has been helpful in highlighting some of the warning signs, but I suspect it will still be harder to know if there’s a significant problem.</p>
<p>Since many of the kids mentioned in this thread are male, the cover story of this week’s Newsweek magazine is especially relevant. Entitled “Men & Depression: Facing Darkness”, it describes male depression as a hidden epidemic. The link to the article also includes a depression screening test that might be helpful to some of you:</p>
<p><a href=“http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/17190411/site/newsweek/[/url]”>http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/17190411/site/newsweek/</a></p>
<p>Second semester blues…it’s hit my D too. Last night she called me, started out sounding ok, but informed me she’d been sent to the health clinic by her coach (she’s on novice crew). Turns out her hips are out of alignment and she has somehow managed to dislocate her big toe (health clinic says they may be related). She is in severe pain, and in fact could not make it across campus to her beloved art class yesterday because she couldn’t carry anything. Tomorrow (Friday) she is being refered off campus to a chiropractic group. </p>
<p>What started out as an information call about her health turned into a “I’m so unhappy here” call, complete with tears (I won’t lie, on both of our parts). Missing friends, missing family, not knowing what her future holds, etc. I realize that it all is probably relative to the pain she’s in, and the domino effect, but I also know the personal connections she’s been looking for haven’t happened (so far) . She has one somewhat close friend, and they plan on rooming together next year, but community connections just aren’t happening. She’s in a very rural environment, one without a campus “town” or even a village, so she’s feeling the isolation too. Maybe it is part of the second semester blues. A case of “is that all there is?”.</p>
<p>I’ve told her I’d be fully supportive if she wanted to explore the transfer options, but that seems overwhelming to her (researching schools again, etc.). More than anything I don’t want her gritting her teeth through 4 years of school. That’s no way to live.</p>
<p>Thank you for each and every person who replied to my post. While it is hard to hear, I take comfort from all who have experienced “bumps in the road”. I’ve read all of the responses and truly thank those who have shared their kids trials and tribulations, I know how hard it has been for you to share a very private and personal moments. My heart goes out to those who are still suffering.</p>
<p>My S called last night and talked mostly to his father. His father tried to help with coping mechanisms, we’ll see if my S found them helpful. I talked to him also and he told me he would try to employ my H suggestions (mostly of the macho guy stuff, laugh it off, try not to let things bother you, etc.) he also said that he thought he needed to also call the counseling center. My S told me that he had looked up the counseling centers hours and found that he had to call to make an appointment (which I found to be a big step) and that he would make an appointment on Thursday.</p>
<p>He’ll be home in a couple of weeks for spring break and I’m glad that he is coming home instead of a trip so I can see how he is coping. I do think that there is a lot of validity to SADD, hopefully spring will see an improvement.</p>
<p>I also want to add that with my D’s heightened awareness of what might be lurking behind the cheerful facades of her classmates, she and a friend ended up going to their proctor with some concerns about another girl on their floor who they thought might be going through a tough time but appeared uninclined to ask for help herself. Again, that’s probably something girls are more inclined to do than boys.</p>
<p>Also, contrary to the suggestion in post #61, I think that students’ self-absorbtion is a problem at all types of schools. Students may be focused on different things at different schools, but I think lack of awareness of others’ feelings is not unique to the most competitive schools. Certainly my D’s friends who attend our state U are no more tuned into their suitemates’ troubles than my D is with hers, and I think they’re probably less so. My D has found lots of friends who have lots of time for each other. Of course, that may tie in with her inability to get sufficient sleep . . . .</p>
<p>atempo, I had tears dripping on the keyboard as I read your post. I am so glad your son is doing better. Whoever said it is right, when you run into people in town it seems that everyone else’s child is happy, on dean’s list, has an active social life, the perfect boy/girl friend etc. But when I stop and think about it, I never shared in the checkout line that my son was miserable and calling every night in the wee hours because he needed to talk to someone. We (and our children) often think we are alone, it helps so much to know that we are not and others have made it through. Thank you to everyone.</p>
<p>"He’ll be home in a couple of weeks for spring break and I’m glad that he is coming home instead of a trip so I can see how he is coping. I do think that there is a lot of validity to SADD.</p>
<p>I have SADD, and have found some good ways to cope. Cut down on caffeine consumption. Use the bank of lights. Tanning 5 times during the winter. Most important of all, have something outside of the house to do every evening at 7 p.m., especially in early December to mid-January. SADD hits hardest (where I live) around 4:30-5 p.m. If I allowed myself, I’d be in bed by 6 p.m. But if I have something I’m committed to, or looking forward to, I can grit my teeth and get through it, I’ve discovered.</p>
<p>Very interesting mini, it seems that my S calls around 7pm. I wonder if that is his way of getting through the day. I also wonder if SADD is harder for college students, seeing as they get up later and go to sleep later. In the winter are they seeing less sunlight than those of us who get up earlier.</p>
<p>I’m sure he drink more caffeine than he ever did at home, it seems that all the soda machines have in the cafeteria have a lot of caffeine in them and he never drank much soda at home and never with caffeine. He also is not exercising like he did at home when he ran year round.</p>
<p>A good friend of my D’s has a bank of lights, maybe I’ll call her mother and ask where she got them. I wonder if my S would use them, I don’t know.</p>