<p>Just posting to say it’s…uh, very twisted reassuring to read all these posts about hardworking, high-achieving kids like me who have problems. Makes me feel less alone!</p>
<p>Best wishes to all!</p>
<p>Hang in there, languagegirl! You can be sure that many of your fellow students are also struggling with one thing or another, even though it may not seem like it.</p>
<p>I have to think it’s often the high-achieving, finely-wired kids who have some of the biggest ups and downs in the early college years. For all of these kids, so many major changes happening at once and not having the perspective yet that “this too shall pass” when something goes wrong. For some of them, they’ve always been “the smartest” and may now have to struggle for the first time just to keep up. Add in roommate issues, relationship problems, lousy food, lack of sleep, “freedom” from parental controls, hormonal ups and downs, loss of contact with old friends, moving to a new place…it’s pretty amazing when you think about it.</p>
<p>This thread, like the andison story, reminds me that bad stuff can happen to anybody, no matter how brilliant and talented they are, no matter how well put-together they seem and no matter how loving and involved the family may be. And also that anything, no matter how rough, can be turned around into something better.</p>
<p>Reading these stories, I’m thinking about how I want to prepare my son for the possibility of some down times in college and how to cope. Get help, I guess, sums it up, but a lot of these kids aren’t used to needing help or the help from their parents has been on-site and automatic. We can see they’re having trouble and can intervene at an early stage when they’re living with us. When they’re hundreds or thousands of miles away…not so easy.</p>
<p>Thanks to the people who have shared their stories here. It will surely help others to avoid or deal with the inevitable emotional melt-downs of the early college years-- so exciting, but sometimes so suddenly overwhelming–my memory is going, but I do remember that much from my own college experience. We all need safety nets.</p>
<p>The Boy is Back in Town. WildChild is home. Rolled into Music City yesterday afternoon, along with one set of expensive camping gear (some mitigation of damages-the other runaway bought one set-I’m sure at the parents’ directive).
We talked a little and did a little work on the transfer stuff. He is considering ways he can make it work for himself at his present school if he has to. He feels he needs a more isolated living situation- too much noise and too many temptations in the coveted “social” dorm where he landed with a single the size of the front seat of my car. He claims most of his class lectures were a complete waste of time and “many” kids don’t attend class very regularly. Apparently, you can cram and prepare for the midterms/finals and do well. This appears to be what he has done. He realizes that upper level courses-seminar style with smaller classes-would be better. He said most of his freshman classes were huge. </p>
<p>Clearly some counseling is in order, but this is not something that comes easily to him. His sister (a senior in college several states away, fortunately) is furious at him (which is actually a normal state) and wants to know “what we are going to do about him”. I guess this is one of those “wait until YOU have kids” moments.</p>
<p>Oh, MOWC–glad he’s back safe at home. Could be worse things than expensive camping equipment!</p>
<p>i think that the return to school after the holiday break was even harder than taking s to school in the fall.</p>
<p>a few weeks into the semester, one of my s’s coaches called my husband to get some information about an area recruit. my husband mentioned that s was pretty blue…the coach replied oh, yes, we know that. the beginning of the second term (semester) is so hard on the freshman. </p>
<p>i guess that made me feel better because then i knew he wasn’t alone in his sadness.</p>
<p>in any event, the coaches combat this by organizing teams and fun competitions (snow shoeing (sp?) badminton, trivia) just fun activities.</p>
<p>i know that being on a team has been very beneficial and it was one of the reasons i felt so good about him going to school so far away.</p>
<p>mom of wild child–glad he is home safe and sound. that is a lot to be thankful for! </p>
<p>so what was my point? i guess my s was thinking that everyone else was happy and adjusted, so why wasn’t he? when in reality, everyone is sad and just putting on a happy face. so, you are not alone, your children are not alone and they will find a way to work through it–don’t be afraid to talk about your sadness with others! another painful growing experience, nonetheless.</p>
<p>I’ve only gotten through post #75, but I’d like to thank all of you for sharing your stories. It does make me wonder what the college process (our culture, our time) is doing to our kids? When I was in HS, there was much less pressure to attend an “elite” college, or find a perfect fit. Most kids went to the local CC or local 4 year college. Lots of kids transferred around, took some time off, yet still manage to eventually settle down and get a job. I think there was more room for mistakes.</p>
<p>Something is wrong in our society when bright, well-prepared kids are struggling so much emotionally. I don’t think it’s something we do as parents as much as it is the pressure to be perfect that dominates our culture.</p>
<p>Dear sjmom,
Maybe pressure is different now causing problems, I don’t know. I do think that it was less acceptable to admit we needed help when I was a student. If someone was depressed in my HS/college years, it was often something that the family was ashamed of. We aren’t ashamed when people need insulin, but I still run into families who would rather ignore depression.</p>
<p>Everyone-thanks for sharing.</p>
<p>MOWC-nice to her the child is safe and home. sound like the two of you have figured out what he needs to keep him on track. Good luck to you all!</p>
<p>You older daughter sounds like my oldest son; he has told me what I need to do with my daughter! He thinks we are crazy to let her go back to her first school where she was happy; of course he also thought she was stupid to transfer in the first place, and equally crazy for taking this semester off to clear her head. I am not sure who he blames more for his sister being “f**k” up (in his words, not mine) his sister or we parents. I of course do listen to him a bit as some of what he has said does make sense. At the same time, my daughter has some very valid reasons for her decisions.</p>
<p>I need to record what the children say now about child rearing so I can play it back for them when they have kids of their own!</p>
<p>Did I mention that as a lead-in to this fun week I broke my leg (tibial plateau fracture) my last day of skiing in Colorado last Friday? I hate the brace and the crutches and am supposed to be non-weight bearing for weeks…</p>
<p>Also, I believe at this point I would rather have illegal drug use going on in my house than a college application process (transfer). </p>
<p>I DO think we are screwing up our kids. He told me that he is bombarded every single day with Career Counseling Emails offering resume tips, meetings, internship planning, job hunting tips, etc. He said you are supposed to know EXACTLY what you want to do and how to get there. I don’t quite get it. I started college as a MUSIC MAJOR and wound up a lawyer! How the heck do you really know what you want when you START college?</p>
<p>My high school senior sits on her bed with a blank look on her face – trying to figure out what to do for her senior project the month of May. “Why isn’t there anything out there I want to do?” she asks. She has the sense that everyone else knows exactly what they want to do with their lives and study in college and that’s why everyone else is getting into their schools and she’s not. For her – so far – there is no joy in the exploration. I do hope that will change and that at some point it will seem like there are exciting opportunities to explore in the world. But these kids seems so tired and beaten down. I keep repeating to her the advice of Ranier Maria Rilke in Letters To a Young Poet: “…have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and … try to love the questions themselves.” She just looks at me like I don’t get it.</p>
<p>MOWC, I truly sympathize with all of the aggravation you are going through with your son, and I am glad he is fine. But you might want to rethink your statement about preferring illegal drug use to the transfer process. I too went through a lot of unexpected aggravation with both of my kids last year, which I won’t post in detail here, but things have fortunately worked out for both of them.</p>
<p>In my daughter’s case, she unexpectedly was very unhappy at the college she attended as a freshman, and decided to apply to transfer, which (like you) was the last thing that I wanted to deal with. Fortunately, all’s well that ends well, as she is doing well and is very happy at her new school. </p>
<p>In contrast, a friend of hers from h.s. became heavily involved with drugs as a freshman in college. The person was not involved with drugs in h.s. The person has gone through an overdose/suicide attempt which resulted in a stay in intensive care when his/her life was in danger, being arrested for burglary of local homes (drug related), and, most recently, as reported in our local newspaper, arrest for driving under influence of controlled substances and possession of controlled substances/heroin. I know the person’s parents have placed him/her in rehab several times, but apparently (from the last newspaper item), it has not helped. I don’t know all of the details, but it has to be one of the worst things that a parent could have to deal with.</p>
<p>Maybe I am oversensitive due to this recent personal experience, but I would much rather deal with the transfer process (which was h-ll to go through) than the other problem. I am sure that your son will end up somehow in a situation where he is happy!</p>
<p>PS I forgot to mention that a boy who played travel soccer with my son for many years died of a heroin overdose about a year and a half ago. We live in a different town from the other former team members, and someone thought to call us about an hour before the viewing was over. The parents of this boy are extremely loving and caring and among the nicest people I have met. It was horrible to have to see them under these circumstances - I bet they would have rather helped with 1000 transfer applications than sit in that funeral home with their son’s friends and their parents!</p>
<p>deb~</p>
<p>I have been reading this thread and privately rooting for your son as he faces the struggles you have documented during his second semester. I thank you for sharing your son’s story and for keeping us updated as to his progress. It sounds like he is making some positive strides. I congratulate him on his fabulous midterm results and I wish him all the best for his upcoming counseling appt. That he has decided to MAKE the appt. says something wonderful–realizing that there is a problem and seeking help for that problem is half the battle–or more. I have a feeling that your son is at the start of a full recovery from his difficulties, and I wish him only the best for a healthy, happy, and productive remainder of his college career, wherever that may be.</p>
<p>To each of you who has a child facing some issues: </p>
<p>I have hesitated to post to this thread, I think because I was fearful of being one of these:
My son has had a relatively smooth and positive college experience SO FAR. Though I can’t speak to some of these things from experience, I can offer each and every one of you my sympathy, empathy, and my positive thoughts and prayers for your kiddos. My heart goes out to those kids who have run into roadblocks as they’re forging their paths to their bright and beautiful futures. Not all roads are straight, smooth, and easily traveled. Some are winding, dangerous, and filled with unexpected bumps and detours. Whichever road your child finds himself on, I have high hopes that in the end, ALL of our kiddos will end up in beautiful places with much having been gained from their varied and challenging experiences along the way.</p>
<p>Unlike some of you, though, I have no resentment for those whose paths have been easier. I do not “love to hate” those kids or those parents…in fact, I don’t love to hate <em>anyone</em>, and that emotion is one that I reserve for the most egregiously offensive. To the contrary, I take much delight in rejoicing at the successes of my friends and their children and I take comfort in lending a shoulder to those among us who need the support and encouragement. I am here for each and every one of you, and I truly thank those of you who have been here for my son, my family, and me throughout our tenure here on CC.</p>
<p>Best wishes to you all~</p>
<p>~berurah</p>
<p>Momofwildchild – No, you did not mention that you broke your leg!!! My Goodness, what a week! Don’t worry you and your son will get through this transfer thing. He is very clear on what he does NOT want, now, which is very useful information in going forward.</p>
<p>MOWC – has it occurred to you that this entire string of events was engineered by a higher being so your son would be there to do the grunt work while your poor leg heals? I’d get that boy and his two healthy legs working. A few weeks of grocery shopping, laundry, and (if you were here in the East today) shoveling snow would have any grown boy/man running for cover – even if that cover meant a classroom!</p>
<p>MOWC–I sympathize with your S’s outlook; I’ve got two of those types of kid. Both are career-plan-o-phobic. Sometimes on CC it feels to me like every kid but mine has their grad school plans and applications done before they finish frosh year. My two, OTOH, are making it up as they go along. At my D’s LAC, this was pretty common. Lots of her friends were the same. I did have to grit my teeth a little when it turned out she was one of the chosen ones they offered to groom for fellowships and she turned the offer down, but she’s got her own inner timetable, and that didn’t fit for her.</p>
<p>S is just skating along, enjoying some classes, not enjoying others, never setting foot in a career office, or making any plans beyond knowing he could work full time at his summer job if he wants to, and, hey, there’s poker. if he is getting those kinds of emails like your S’s, and I am sure he is, he is ignoring them. Both kinds of student seem to be at his school. </p>
<p>There is such pressure to see undergrad as a step, rather than an experience in itself, and i think that’s a shame. i hope your S finds a more suitable college home.</p>
<p>And much, much sympathy for your accident! As i’ve said here before, i’ve done the crutches thing before (a smashed tib-fib, with a cracked fib on the other leg) and it ain’t fun. It does get easier, though. Hang in there!</p>
<p>MOWC,
Sorry if I sounded too harsh! Maybe you just meant what you said in a rhetorical sense. I agree with mstee, you will get through it and your son will end up in a better place for him. </p>
<p>If I recall, your son applied ED originally, and my D did too. Perhaps, in both cases, they did not totally realize what the best school for them would be. I can definitely relate to your son’s observations about the careerism-focus at Penn. My son graduated from Stanford and there was a similar atmosphere there, which was fine for him, but which would not be a good atmosphere for my daughter. As mstee said, he will have a better idea of what he wants and doesn’t want now.</p>
<p>Good luck!</p>
<p>I think what really bothers my son is that he picked this college because he thought HE was totally pre-professional and was going to get this great degree and earn the big bucks. When he got there, he realized for the first time that it seemed to mean sacrificing learning and intellectualism. He is pretty objective, and he said that many, many kids HATE this famous pre-professional school within this university, but are gritting their collective teeth to get the degree.
I THOUGHT he might have to drive me to work and back every day while he was here, but it seems that I am allowed to drive with the brace. He is allowing as to how this application process is harder because he doesn’t have his wonderful prep school counseling office assistant (Ms. Linda) to organize and send everything.</p>
<p>Tippy, tippy boats. Ah yes.</p>
<p>I have four brothers. Tippy boat doesn’t even begin to describe the maladventures of those mad sailors. I learned a few things from that sideshow:</p>
<ol>
<li> Forget what anyone labels you. The best response to a gut feeling that your child is in trouble with substances or depression or psychotic roommate/gf is to MOVE HEAVEN AND EARTH. MOVE IT. Reflect later.<br></li>
</ol>
<p>I love it that IncaDad made an emergency drive down to see his son in his tippy boat. What a gesture! “That’s right. I’m you’re dad and I’ve got your back kid.” What a gift!</p>
<p>My son once called from 9000 miles to tell us something horrible about his certifiable, card-carrying roommate. I told him to go to the window and tell me what hotel he could see. Being Cheers’ son, he told me the name of a very nice hotel. I booked him a room for the rest of the week and a gourmet room service meal on the spot. Even from 9000 miles, I moved his tippy boat to safer waters for that moment. He’s a happy happy junior now. Completely dry after a pretty thorough dunking.</p>
<p>My parents weren’t so lucky. They assumed that because they didn’t drink or suffer from depression, their boys would work their way out of those problems. That was the thinking in the 60’s and it was magical thinking, folks. </p>
<ol>
<li> I don’t care if your kid has a 1600 SAT and all kinds of scholarships and Ivy admits, if he or she is an introvert, they are going to have a harder time finding their people to love. If your students attend a strong Math and Science school, they will be trying to befriend a whole bunch of introverted geeks. What is the percentage of introverts? It won’t be an episode of Cheers or Friends, I tell you what.<br></li>
</ol>
<p>Give your introvert a fighting chance. Don’t make the experience out to be easy fun. Be realistic. Go through friend-building tips with them. </p>
<ol>
<li> One of my brothers developed bi-polar illness in college. Actually, he probably didn’t develop it in college, it became apparent in college. We must have compensated for his illness at home.</li>
</ol>
<p>Why does mental illness become apparent in college? My theory is that because the mentally ill do not read social cues correctly, they are completely and utterly rejected by new peers–espeically same sex peers. My brother, surrounded by girls in high school and a star scholar/athlete–was treated like a leper at his fourth tier college. He wasn’t invited to a single graduation party after four years.</p>
<p>If you are even the tiniest bit worried about your college student, part of every conversation should include a few tidbits about their friends. Forget their papers and tests–what did they do Friday night? Who are they eating dinner with? Who makes them laugh? Why are they asleep when you call at 2 pm? </p>
<p>If you never hear about same-sex friends-- or if you hear about problem after problem with same-sex peers, get your head around the possibility that your child may not read social cues correctly. Get them some cognitive therapy. </p>
<ol>
<li> Tough as it is, don’t saddle younger siblings with the fallout of their older siblings navigational errors. Let them choose. Give them freedom. I was fortunate to be the oldest in a family full of tippy boats most of which never completely righted themselves. My parents tried to create calmer waters by restricting the younger children but that effort made those children feel weirdly unworthy.<br></li>
</ol>
<p>Finally, be careful how much you say on CC about your kids–especially socially fragile kids. College students can be feral when it comes to mental illness. Besdies, fame has so many unpleasant side effects.</p>
<p>
Now really, cheers… that’s a little harsh, don’t ya think?
BTW, My s can see a few very nice hotels form his campus. Would you like to put a room of your credit card for him? I’d appreciate it. :D</p>
<p>Oh MOWC! I’m so sorry about your leg, and about wildchild’s adventures. (I was going to write “misadventure” but maybe it’s not one…) Okay, every cloud has it’s silver lining. Let’s see, big state U - $17,000 a year, Ivy league school - $45,000 a year… hmmmm. I think I see a silver lining?? 
And, great posts y’all. I must have missed this thread completely because I just found it - and it is/was very moving.</p>