<p>garland, as you know some of us don’t mind what we’re called. Hesitate? Not a chance.</p>
<p>MOWC, LOL! Your son is quite the enterprising young man. </p>
<p>mom60, momof2inca, and nceph: You’re all so right about the problems with counseling centers at many colleges. They’re understaffed, overwhelmed, and unprepared to deal with so many depressed kids. When my son finally found the courage to make an appointment at his counseling center, he was told he couldn’t be seen for four weeks. Concerned, I called the counseling center and asked to speak with someone. The therapist I spoke with told me 30 percent of students at that particular flagship state university sought counseling at some point during their college careers. That’s a huge number! She did say kids were seen immediately when counselors thought they might be a risk to themselves. Kids could also be seen on a walk-in basis, but the waits were often hours long and many kids blew it off.</p>
<p>In addition, many colleges are in small towns. Even if your child decides to seek treatment elsewhere, it’s difficult finding someone he or she relates to because there just aren’t many therapists in town. And just try getting a depressed kid to see a therapist in town when he has to catch a bus to get there! Way, way too much effort involved. That’s why I drove 7 hours every week to make sure my son made it to his appointments. Unfortunately, sometimes even that doesn’t work. The only way to ensure that your child is getting the proper treatment and is actually taking his medication is to have him right under your nose at home.</p>
<p>One thing about suicide. Please, please warn your kids to take any talk of suicide by their friends seriously and report it to someone immediately. Although nobody suspected my son’s roommate (one of 9 roommates) was depressed, he sent out a huge warning signal last year. After his funeral, a former high school girlfriend of his e-mailed my son a note that this roommate had written her last March (yes, coincidentally, just a week before my son’s breakdown.) Here’s an excerpt: “i have been feeling so incredibly depressed and worthless and its really painful. its not even that things are currently not going right, i dont even know what it is. I cant even get up for my 1 30 classes anymore. everything seems extremely hopeless. im sorry if this email is unreadable but im not even thinking straight im really confused. i thought that i really wanted to die the other night and started looking into what would be a good way to do it and what wouldnt cause brain damage if I failed…”</p>
<p>The girlfriend never told anyone about the letter. She said she didn’t realize thoughts of suicide should be taken seriously. If the note had gotten into the hands of a responsible adult, perhaps things would have turned out differently and a wonderful family wouldn’t be facing the devastating guilt and pain of their child’s death.</p>
<p>It is interesting that my D’s experience with counseling and the McCosh infirmary was very different than what has been described here. During one of the drank-way-too-much incidents that characterized her second semester freshman year she fell down some stairs and hit her head and her knee. (Nice, huh?) She went to the student health center, McCosh, and was seen for the head injury to make sure it wasn’t a concussion. They immediately asked her how much she had been drinking. Noted it in her file if I remember. Then at the second incident, which was the woke up not remembering time, she went back in and told them what had happened. </p>
<p>They were all over it. Sent her to a counselor. The counselor then wanted her to go to substance abuse group therapy. My D called me in tears, not wanting to go. In fact, I agreed. I thought it was medicalizing too early in the process. (Is that a word?) I wound up calling the counselor. First and only contact I have had with the university since she got there. I told the counselor that my D was very close to her family and a constant communicator and we would like to try to work it out ourselves first. Not a pleasant call. I got scolded is the only way I can put it. The counselor got very upset with me. My D was reported to the dean and had to have an appointment with her to discuss and everything. Once the dean found out the details, and after I called the dean’s office to explain how we wanted to handle it, they eventually dropped the issue.</p>
<p>So I wonder if D had gone in for depression if they would have been so proactive or whether it is the liability and focus on managing drinking. Or maybe just that smallish undergraduate university handholding that the place advertises. I hope I never have to find out how their mental health services are. Or, at least, that if I do they pay as much attention to state of mind as blood alcohol level.</p>
<p>Univ. of the Arts refused to refund any money to a student who left after 2 1/2 weeks with a Dr’s note because the student was being treated by a Dr. previous to that semester and therefor should have know not to come to school. I named the school because I feel they earned the bad publicity. They kept the entire semesters tuition.</p>
<p>Alu, D’s was pretty aggressive also. Off campus referrals. Calls to the doc here at home. Overall I was very pleased with the response from the suitemate, to the RA, to the counselor. It appears they had a protocol in place and they were going to follow it. Thankfully it worked in our instance. Of course it could have been horrendous in others.</p>
<p>I wonder if some of the delay in getting counseling appointments may be due to the students’ not wanting to convey too many details to the receptionist. There are probably a few buzz words that could get an immediate appointment, but those words are probably some of the hardest for troubled students to articulate over the phone to the counseling center receptionist, so some of the students may not be conveying the seriousness of the situation clearly. Just a thought. I really don’t know how it all works.</p>
<p>I can tell you that at my daughter’s state university that the counseling center TRYS to get students an appointment within 2-3 weeks. If the student feels they need to be seen sooner, they can come in for a crisis appointment; this means sitting in chairs waiting for someone to call your name and being labelled a possible suicide threat. My duaghter didn’t feel she needed to be seen right away, but also didn’t want to wait 3 weeks once she got the courage to call and make an appointment. </p>
<p>I ended up finding a therapist in the community for my daughter to see; I held phone interviews and ended up with the first therapist that called me back. It also helped that this was a Friday afternoon and the therapist had an appointment on Monday afternoon where my daughter didn’t have to miss a class. Student health only allows around 4 sessions so my daughter most likely would need to transfer to a community therapist anyway; I figured we might as welll start there so as to not have to make a change midway through therapy.</p>
<p>In my son’s case, he was asked “Is this an emergency?” He said no (because he was not suicidal) and that bumped him to the three week “phone” appointment slot. I’m not sure what, besides being suicidal, would qualify as an emergency at this large public university.</p>
<p>In Massachusetts, college students are required by law to carry health insurance which fully covers mental health-related needs. They did this after over-crowded counseling centers at several schools (public and private) resulted in more than a few suicide attempts, and at least one death.</p>
<p>At my d’s school, they have a very active counseling center, but what they do best is triage, with referrals to counselors and therapists in town who cover students’ needs. (Remember, this is the school of Sylvia Plath, so they have a lot of experience…)</p>
<p>A few years ago, I talked to the parents of a student at H whose kid had become quite depressed in the second semester of freshman year. The student was encouraged by the parents and the proctor to go the health center. The student was keptthere for several nights for observation then sent to a hospital nearby for recovery The student was cared for very well apparently and the roommates came to visit frequently. The student ended the second semester with a flourish of excellent grades. Although S is close by, it was very reassuring to know that H delivered excellent mental health care. The parents, by the way, are not MA residents, so I don’t know if the extended care was on their health insurance or the College’s.</p>
<p>The insurance is required of all students, Massachusetts residents or not.</p>
<p>Overall, I was impressed with son’s school and the counseling center. He did have to wait a few days since he was a new patient and not an “emergency”. However, it was not weeks. His counselor (MSW) was great and would call or email son between appts to check up. The couple times I called, he returned the call promptly. Son felt like the counselor thought about their conversations between visits and always had new questions or insights at their next appt. This counselor was fantastic and son attributes him to getting him through the year. He was always good to help son see that there were always other options and that different choices were not “failures”, only different paths chosen. He (the counselor) was also a source of comfort to me as he assured me that patient privilege would not apply if he ever felt son was showing suicidal tendencies–also gave me his cell number to call if I ever received a call from son that made me uncomfortable. That man will be forever in my prayers.</p>
<p>This year, I encouraged him to stay in the system and schedule some visits whether he thought he needed them or not. His new counselor he is not impressed with (previous one left to pursue his PhD)–but at least he has someone with whom to talk and who can be an advocate if necessary.</p>
<p>My D’s experience with her center was not great. They do have a walk in time. The therapist she saw that time was great. She was then told they would give her a regular therapist and time. That took about 2 weeks. After seeing him for about a month he told her one day that it would be the last appt since he felt her issues were beyond his level of expertise. He then took out a list and gave her some numbers to call. During the time they were seeing each other he never bothered to call her former therapist even though she had signed consent. After I called they did set her up with a place in the town. But it was the week before finals and she just couldn’t handle figuring out how to manage school and find the time to take a bus to see someone. Since she was coming home for 6 weeks we let it go.
While she was home her Dr found her 2 therapists that he spoke with who were possible matches. When she went back to school 2nd semester she tried making appts but ran into the difficult task of finding an available appt time that fit with her school schedule. She found that with allowing for walking and bus time she couldn’t do it.She would need to give herself an hour of travel time each way. And both therapists didn’t work on Fridays the day she had only 1 class. For someone who is depressed it is more then they can handle. She begged to come home and we pushed her to stay. She ended up coming home and it was the best decision. In hindsight I realize we were wrong to not listen to her when she said she was unhappy.
I think MKM you are right to encourage your son to stay in contact with a therapist since it can be an up and down battle.
I am not sharing her entire story since it is her life not mind to share. But I do send warm hugs to all the Moms. It is so hard to see your children in pain.</p>
<p>Golfingmom:
</p>
<p>Thanks for sharing your story about your S. I hope that he continues to make progress. What you said about making the best decisions at the time helps me to keep perspective. I look back at everything from the colleges we encouraged him to consider to the independence we offered him and there are only a couple things we might redo. Most of the decisions were right “at the time” and only wrong later on when we had more information or when circumstances changed. Thanks for reminding me of that. </p>
<p>Marite, thanks for passing along your reassurances and experiences. You are lucky to have your son nearby and at a university that obviously takes care of its students very well. I have a feeling the state of MA is a little better in this as a whole than CA. I hope your S’s bumpy 2nd semester last year is nothing but a memory and that the rest of this year goes well. I can’t wait to hear what he ends up doing post-college with that wonderful math brain of his!</p>
<p>Deb, keep us posted about your S. I hope his counseling center is a good one and that he gets help if that’s what he needs. It’s pretty impressive how a couple months of talk therapy has helped our S to connect with his feelings/emotions/needs. He used to be a big brain disconnected from that thing the rest of us know as a body. Now there is <em>some</em> communication occuring, and lo and behold, he’s got emotions that he can actually recognize before they reach crisis mode. Thanks, also, for starting this thread. It seems to be really valuable and down to earth.</p>
<p>Mini:</p>
<p>Yes, it is. But there is the college insurance plan and the student insurance. For Harvard, it is Blue Cross Blue Shield unless the student can show why s/he may remain on parents’ insurance (which is our case). Does this mean that at Smith, students also have two different insurance plans? College health insurance usually only cover the bare minimum. But the student whom I described had fairly extensive care, including a couple of weeks of infirmary and hospital.</p>
<p>Wow. All I can say is… wow. Very, very powerful read, this 115 post thread. All of you… those of you who I have gotten to “know” these past years, and those of you who are newer to CC, have been through some very tough times with your kids. My heart goes out to all of you. College years are very difficult, and it is not surprising that our kids can succomb to the pressures.</p>
<p>My s. (second sem. jr) is also going though some challenges. At first it sounded like burnout. He was tired of pushing himself so hard. He is naturally driven, but his passion for learning seems to be waning. Tired of learning stuff that he saw no point in learning. He assured me that he was still getting everything done, and still keeping his grades up. His heart just wasn’t in it the way it used to be. He was also having doubts about some things-- most importantly about his gf of 19 mos. He has been feeling pressured (she is 23 and already out of college), and while he used to enjoy feeling needed, he is now finding her dependency draining. They have a long distance relationship and he has missed out on a lot of the “normal” college stuff because they had been flying back and forth so much to see each other. So, about 3 weeks ago he told her he needed a little time and space. She hasn’t responded very well to that, and there have been many very long angst-ridden phonecalls (he’s on a shared cellphone plan with me. The bill had several multi-hour phonecalls on it). He is feeling guilty about slowing things down with her, so has a hard time ending these draining calls. I encouraged him to talk to someone at his health center to help him get some perspective and some ideas. He is a sensitive kid, and does benefit from talking about his feelings (this he gets from his psychologist mother). He had one initial “screening” appt and one follow-up appt with an intern, who essentially took another history, but at least he knows he as someone there to talk to. And although he didn’t get much time to address this, he did come away from these intial appts with an awareness that the gf’s dependency was a bigger drain than he had thought. </p>
<p>After reading this thread, I decided I wanted to give him a call. He was in the middle of a Chem study session with some friends (fun on a Fri night, huh), but mentioned that the gf was turning up the burners and insisting that he let her come visit for a weekend “if he cared about her and respected her feelings” bla bla bla… He told her he’d think about it. Not sure when that would happen, since he is coming with us to Calif. during spring break the first week of March (looking at colleges for younger s), and he knows from our conversations what I will say about the “pressure” (aka guilt trip) from the gf. They used to see each other at least once a month, so this suppos-ed “slow down” really isn’t yet much of a slowdown in my book (nor in his, and he clearly wants it). He’s tried to get her to curtail the frequency of phonecalls, but doesn’t want to be mean. They did try a 4 day “no call” period, but I think she is back to calling a lot again (and at times calling his roommates if he doesn’t answer, because she “is worried”. Don’t get me started about that…) At any rate, he assured me he is doing ok and that he will let me know if anything is different. I will also have the benefit of having him with us in a week, so will have more time to talk. </p>
<p>None of use like to see our kids struggle, and of course we want to rescue them. They are still our kids, no matter what. If someone thinks that is being a helicopeter mom, well, who cares. Our kids safety comes first. Better to err onthe side of caution. Again, my heart foes out to all of you. I am glad we can share and provide support here.</p>
<p>jym626, so sorry about the x-gf. Sounds so draining! I know he wishes to not cut this girl off, but it sounds likes if he wants his life back, he’ll have to do that. Some people just suck all the blood out of you and she sounds like she is going off the deep end herself. Hopefully spring break will be that, a break, I’d suggest that he call the gf and tell her that he’s going to turn off his phone and spend some time with his brother and parents.</p>
<p>I talked to my S yesterday and he sounded much better. He made an appointment at the counseling center and he’s going there on Tuesday. He’s been avoiding the friends who he feels are a negative influence and seems to be in a better mood because of it. One friend asked him where he’s been and he was honest with her, he didn’t want to spend time with people who don’t want to be around him. </p>
<p>He was also happy because midterms are over and he did very well in everything except Calc, which he has a B in. He got a 100 on his Chem exam and he was really happy about that. At least he’s not neglecting his studies and although I think that he is obsessing about a B is Calc, I think that he is feeling better, but lonely.</p>
<p>I think that he’s going to apply to transfer but he hasn’t decided if he wants to transfer or not, he’ll just have an option. His grades will be very high and a transfer should not be a problem. We talked about visiting the school where he would transfer over spring break to see if his classes would transfer and if he would be happy there. He had also made plans to visit this school over spring break to visit one of his friends, so he should have a better idea if he wants to transfer or if he’ll stay where he is.</p>
<p>Thank you again to all who have posted their stories here. I have to believe that it is a great help to many people.</p>
<p>The long distance girlfriend-been there, done that! My son when throught the same thing over a year ago. He was content breaking up with the girl, but she keep trying to draw him back in. I think they both wanted a steady bf/gf and they were confortable with each other; they met their senior year of high school through mutual friends. The break up was bad with the girl calling all hours crying and giving my son the guilt trip. She ended up not speaking to him after a while; even when they ran into each other when son was home for holidays, she turned and walked away.</p>
<p>Guess who got back together this summer! My son tells me this isn’t a girl he is going to marry, but when they aren’t fighting, they really are good friends. I think due to the fact that both of my son’s roomates have girlfriends at their school, he feels a bit left out without one. I am not saying he is using her, they really do get along well, but I think they are both content having a relationship until the right girl/guy comes around. I have mentioned it will be hard to meet that girl as long as you are attached to this one. At the same time, I don’t think my son is looking for a wife at this time in his life; I think when he starts medical school next year that thinks will change for him.</p>
<p>Deb:</p>
<p>I’m so glad to hear that your S is doing better and that he received excellent grades! The B in Calc is respectable. He should not beat himself over it. The 100 in chem is excellent! More important, he seems to be on top of things!</p>
<p>Thanks marite, I know, to obssess over a B! He should be estatic and I think that he is putting unreasonable demands on himself. I truely believe that he set high standards for himself when he did so well first semester and it is contributing to his stess level. His father and I are thrilled with his grades and do not put ANY pressure on him, it’s all internal. He was so excited about the 100 in chem, he really likes chemistry.</p>