Second semester freshman is homesick

Parent Cafe
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<p>My daughter was so excited to go away to school in August and has enjoyed her classes and her new friends. She just went back to school yesterday after being home for 4 weeks. I think the entire 4 weeks was spent sleeping and visiting with her high school friends. She ahs a large group of friends from her high school and they stay in constant touch. Most night she had dinner with the family and then headed out to a friends home for chatting and tv or they went out to dinner and the movies. The biggest decision she had to make is what time to get up in the morning (or afternoon!) Yes, she ran some errands and had a few appointments, but most of the month was spent just chilling.</p>

<p>Tonight the phone call comes, along with tears. She doesn’t know what she is so upset or why she isn’t excited to be back. The only thing I could really get from her is she is afraid she is missing out on a “real” college experience. She is at a small liberal arts college a 2 hour flight from home. She hates to fly and is wondering why she picked a school so far away, why did she pick this school, was she just being a senior trying to get away from the small school she was attending and thinking far away was best? Another issue is sororities. Her school does have sororities, but they are nothing like they are here in the south. The vision she had of being a sorority sister doesn’t exist at her school. All she hears from her friends is how their big sister takes care of them; giving them gift, taking the girls under their wing, etc… That doesn’t happen at her school. Just think frats and you will get an idea of how pledging goes.</p>

<p>I basically told her that once classes started tomorrow that I felt she would feel better. She just needed to get back into her routine. I hope I am not making nothing out of something. I think she did feel better after we talked, but I hate that she is starting the semester unhappy. I think what bothered me the most is how she kept saying she didn’t understand why she felt like this and now is not the time to be thinking about transfering. If she decided to transfer, she said it was too late to look into that for next year. I told her we would cross that bridge if we needed to, but I really feel she will be ok in a couple of days.</p>

<p>Any thoughts?</p>

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<p>I’m in high school, but I really think that she’ll get over this, if not in a day, then in a couple weeks. Most kids have periods where they don’t like their schools and end up loving them. I know a couple kids and adults who hated their entire first year but stuck it out and are now proud and happy alums. This sounds perfectly normal to me. She comes home and sees you and her friends, and when she returns she is a little homesick and is doubting her college choice. It’s tough but routine, IMO.</p>

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<p>My daughter graduated 2005 from Lafayette. Had a merit scholarship - needed at 3.0 to keep it. Her first semester eeked by with that - I bugged her via e-mail to keep the grades up - too many people my age that lost the award. Second semester Dean’s list and ended up graduating with honors and honors thesis with the prize in her work. First semester soph. year a dear friend died. Wanted to transfer out of school. I kept reassuring her to keep her grades up and, if she desired, transfer. She so appreciates my input - tells me all the time at the age of 23 - she knows she needed support and parenting. A fine line. Be there. They need you. She is working this year - going to Columbia Teachers College in the fall - where I also matriculated.</p>

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<p>There have been several previous threads on transferring–maybe you can find them if you search. Some parents thought it was best to make the college student do all the work relating to transferring to see if the interest in making a move was a passing thing or not.</p>

<p>It isn’t too late to apply to transfer–those dates are more like March, I believe.</p>

<p>My D is a junior and has never been all that thrilled with her college (also a 2 1/2 hr. flight away). We’ve had a lot of discussions about transferring, but now it is rather difficult so late in the game.</p>

<p>Probably you should just keep listening and be somewhat sympathetic, but also neutral, in case this passes. She might be happier at a college closer to home where more of her friends attend.</p>

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<p>Pokey, I sent you a PM.</p>

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<p>cangel-The PM didn’t come through. I will check my settings to make sure all is correct.</p>

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<p>Nevermind, it is there now and I have responded.</p>

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<p>I think this sounds like normal “making the break” angst. </p>

<p>I remember at orientation (the parent meeting) the dean of first year students talking about how kids have to learn the difficult juggling act of balancing friends at home, family, sometimes a boyfriend/girlfreind, and new friends at school. It’s a hard thing for many kids to figure out - but most do eventually. They specifically mentioned Thanksgiving and Christmas of freshman year as particularly difficult adjustment periods.</p>

<p>Her friends’ stories about sororities sound like they’ve presented her with a “grass is greener on the other side of the fence” problem. In realty, they probably aren’t that much different or better than experiences she’ll have at her school.</p>

<p>I bet she’ll settle in. Give her some time. </p>

<p>Good luck! It’s good she’ll talk to you!</p>

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<p>pokey318, :eek: Keep us informed. I’m sure this will pass. I’ll be thinking about you and your D.</p>

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<p>Pokey, I have a feeling each day will bring improvement for your daughter. Just as you probably felt sad the first few days after she left for college, she is having those feelings, too. Once classes have started back and all of her friends have returned, I feel sure she’ll get right back in the swing of things. </p>

<p>I’ll never forget when DD was in third grade and went away to Girl Scout camp for the first time. There was no contact allowed, except through letters. We received a letter begging us to come get her from camp. She had drawn a picture of herself lying in ther bed with big tears flying (the only way I can describe it from the picture) from her eyes. It broke my heart. I immediately called the camp director to see if something had happened and if I should, indeed, pick DD up from camp. The director said she would follow up with DD. She called back and, with a chuckle in her voice, explained that DD told her she wanted to stay at camp and the letter was written during a five minute period when she and a friend were having a disagreement.</p>

<p>I’m sure you’ll hear a much more chipper daughter the next time you speak with her. Good vibes headed her way!</p>

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<p>Pokey, there’s another thread on Parents Forum about kids adjusting to college far out of their region - read Frazzled’s post about her NE daughter at Vandy, that’s what she’s missing. I agree with Weenie. Funny, we have a lot of these threads/posts after winter break… hhhmmm, could there be a trend. My daughter sent me an e-mail lastweek listing the things she likes about her school, the opening line was “I’ve been so negative about school lately, I wanted to remind you and me what I liked about it…” Seems to be a common theme.</p>

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<p>Thanks for the encouragement. First off, I would have never suspected this of my child, nor would I have thought she would be having second thoughts second semester. I think that is what blew me away-this came out of nowhere. </p>

<p>“They specifically mentioned Thanksgiving and Christmas of freshman year as particularly difficult adjustment periods.” Weenie, I’m glad you shared this with me, otherwise I would not have known. I am now sitting here waiting for the phone call that tells me she is ok. I bet she doesn’t call because she is too busy with her friends :-)</p>

<p>I will search the old threads for some comfort!</p>

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<p>Pokey - I can see the long break for Christmas making for a harder adjustment on return in January - especially for someone far from home. Hopefully after a few days back with her college friends and routine, you’ll get a different phone call!</p>

<p>I think 4 weeks off is a very long time - my son has 5 weeks off (he’s STILL at home and now chomping at the bit to get back to school since there are no high school friends around here now) - personally I wish the break were shorter.</p>

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<p>pokey…two thoughts…</p>

<ol>
<li><p>It is hard to leave a fantastic group of friends. A big fantastic group o friends is a rarity in modern life, a gift. One of my boys left a group of 100 amazing friends when he moved overseas. He didn’t anticipate the difficulties. He thought that everywhere he went, he’d be able to find 100 amazing friends. Life isn’t like that, is it? These are good lessons to learn.</p></li>
<li><p>As sisterly and as much fun as the southern sororities are, there may be unseen advantages to a more independent life.</p></li>
</ol>

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<p>pokey-my D had been back at school not even 2 weeks and she was feeling homesick and feeling like her school was just not for her. With the Martin Luther King holiday we looked into airfare and discovered Student Universe. She found a cheap flight home. I don’t know why but we were feeling so bad for her that we said yes. She came in late Thurs night and we just dropped her back at the airport a little while ago. Last week when I talked with her she was researching schools in our home state as possible transfer schools. By Thur afternoon she felt like she was happy to be coming home but didn’t feel as strongly about it. I even made the offer to drive her Friday to look at some close to home schools.
Friday she slept till 2. She watched lots of TV and just did nothing. She was prickly. She didn’t want to talk much about transfers. We had a few small discussions. It came down to she really misses California. She hates being cold. And the area where we live is beautiful and wherever you are in town you can look and see the local mountains or the ocean. She said wierd as it may sound she really missed looking out and having a view of something.
By today she was feeling better about going back. She hates that it will be windy and cold but she likes program of study. She realizes that she can’t duplicate what she is studying and the small enviroment in Ca. But I think sometimes they just need to complain to us. It makes them feel better.
As we drove her to the airport she said that it was easier this time going back.
I am hoping she goes back and she really begins to appreciate what she has in both places. I wouldn’t have thought coming home for a weekend would be the best medicine but for our D it seemed to at least help some.</p>

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<p>Spoke with daughter last night. While she doesn’t really feel any better, she has a clearer head. She spoke with some of the older girls she is friendly with and ask if they every felt this way. Three of them said yes, and two sophmores were dealing with these feelings now. A couple had thought of transfering and one did fill out transfer applications and was accepted to a few schools. Her parents convienced her to stay another year, but my daughter thinks this girls resents that she didn’t transfer. It was cute because my daughter said, “I’m not sure these were the right girls to ask; they were suppose to tell me everything would be ok!” </p>

<p>I really think my daughter is looking within herself to really find what she is unhappy with. She said she needs to sit down and make a list of pros and cons about her school and any others she might consider. She isn’t rushing to fill out applications, but at the same time she knows she will need to get busy on them if she does decide to transfer. Before she decided on EDII at this school she is attending, she was sure she would attend a large state school (not our own) where she is a legacy. I think that is where she really would like to be if not another school below the Mason-Dixon line. She is not looking to attend a school where her high school friends are; she just wants to be back in the south. I wanted to know if she was looking closer so that she might come home some on weekends. She laughed and said, “I love you guys, but I’m not looking to come home other than vacations and special occasions!” While I used the term homesick in my title, I knew it wasn’t home she was missing, just something familar.</p>

<p>If daughter decides to transfer she will have some thinking to do. Most of the southern schools she looked into before did not have a dance program. While she is only interested in dance as a minor or part of a double major, it is not her main focus. After dancing for 16 year she isn’t ready to give that up yet. </p>

<p>Thanks for listening. My husband, while worried, fell asleep while we were discussing schools last night!!</p>

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<p>We need to correlate this thread with the culture shock thread on the Parents Forum.</p>

<p>Glad to hear she is beginning to think less emotionally, even if she is still unsure of her place - clear heads lead to better decisions.</p>

<p>Mom60’s post struck a chord, and brought back memories of when I first moved far from home. I think most of us can handle only so much disruption in our lives, and change, before we begin to emotionally overload, and need some rest, respite or familiarity. Should we wonder that an 18 year old will commonly overload? That doesn’t mean they won’t work through these feelings, just takes time and space.</p>

<p>Pokey, maybe recognizing her dissatisfaction, and getting past the feelins, will let her weigh her choices clearly, and make the best choice for her, whether it is to stay or go. She has had a valuable year, even if she comes to the realization that she wants a different college experience. So many kids, not just Southern kids, just randomly say - I’m only going 300 miles from home, without even considering whether colleges within 300 miles are best for them. She tried something different, and now appreciates different aspects of herself - nothing wrong with that.</p>

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<p>Pokey, my son is having a very similar experience, and I’m so sorry about your daughter. His break was spent sleeping and hanging out with his wonderful high school friends. He was so happy. I delivered him back to campus last night, and he was visibly upset (tears, high anxiety as we pulled into gates). I want to die for him. He, along with every one of his high school friends, is talking about transferring. They all seem to think the grass would be greener, but I think it is simply a short-sighted reaction to letting go of a fun time together. This would break my heart because my son is very strong academically (honors program at a top private college), and I want him to consider the long-term ramifications of transferring to another school where I don’t think he will be any happier, because he will never be able to re-create his high school experience.</p>

<p>How do I sort out true unhappiness (perhaps depression) from a transition issue?</p>

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<p>I am finding my daughter maturing right before my eyes. Some of her comments last night didn’t sound like the same high schooler I knew. She knows transfer won’t be easy, nor will leaving her new best friends. Her only regret is that she doesn’t really have much time to make a decision; applications are due March 1. She wants to think long and hard before she commits to filling out applications, but knows that she will have to start them in a couple of weeks. It is understood that she can complete applications and still decided to stay where she is. Her father and I are there for her, making some suggestions but mostly just listening. I think she feels like a weight has been lifted by telling us that she might want to transfer. </p>

<p>I think talking to some of the older students, while not the responses she had hope, was helpfully. She knows she is not the only student to go throught is nor will she be the last!</p>

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<p>Pokey318 and all- This second-semester let down sure sounds familiar - not only for, but especially for, freshman who go far away to college. There seem to be so many factors at play. First, typically the first semester at college is so full of wonderful exciting firsts - there has to be a natural let-down the second semester. Next, they have just left home after perhaps a full month with nothing pressing to do, in many cases right after their first experience with the intensity of college-level finals. They likely had no projects hanging over their heads during break and after a few weeks of catching up on much needed sleep, they are totally relaxed and responsibility-free for perhaps the first time since elementary school. Then they hang with their good good friends who, enviably, do not go so far away to school and are able to come home between term breaks. And who tell of their experience at larger schools in larger towns. Those high school friendships seem dearer and stronger than ever - new friendships at college are measured against the old, easy friendships and college experiences are also compared.</p>

<p>So, now they are back at school, in your D’s case at a place that is not conveniently close (and in the cas of Cangel’s D and mine at a place that is cold, with shorter hours of daylight than they are accustomed to.) And about to have to gear up the intensity level again after 4 weeks of relaxation. They miss their families, their old friends (with whom they can so easily and frequently stay in touch) and all that is easy and comfortable. The blinders come off and they now have the ability to see the inevitable college warts. The hope is, and in many cases it bears out, they are able to remember what is that they really do like about the school, become involved in some wonderful class or opportunity that they love and know they might not have had at another school, and start to have a more realistic appreciation for the school and what college is about. That first term experience, for those who take well to it, is like having a crush.</p>

<p>Then, thankfully, as they are coming to grips with it all and learning to find new ways to appreciate their school or at least survive the winter months (and this could take weeks), the days get a little longer, the weather starts to improve, fun times are more easily found, and the last few months of school may very well re-affirm the college choice. </p>

<p>Or, it might not and an honest assessment of needs might point to transfer. But in any event, what your daughter is experiencing seem to be common and often times worth gritting teeth and bearing because it will often get better. Anyway, that is how it seems to have played out for my D. I think I am glad that she can see things as they are - some things are worthy of criticism - but I am also glad she can very happily make the most of the great things about her school.</p>

<p>I am not sure how it will turn out for your daughter - its good that she has the freedom to choose to transfer but will give herself the opportunity to try one full cycle at the first school. Students mature so amazingly over the course of the first year at college and she will be able to make a really informed choice. But if it helps to know, what she is going through is common not only to her college but to college experience in general I think.</p>

<p>Sorry she is going through it though - I remember it and it was difficult for us as parents to see it was difficult for her and to know how to respond.</p>