<p>Skie, you make a good point, but I guess the difference is that Christmas has become so secularized and so commercialized that it’s easy to celebrate the holiday without any Christ. Same thing I guess with Easter – one can just do the Easter baskets and chocolate bunnies and call it Easter. But a Bar Mitzvah is part of Jews’ covenant with God, and age 13 is when a boy is able to participate in all aspects of the religion. For centuries, and still in much of the world, the Bar Mitzvah is a ceremony, and there is no party – maybe a modest lunch after the service, but no big whoop-de=doo as we do in the US these days. It’s just a shame to lose the religious part in favor of a big party.</p>
<p>But you’ve certainly given me food for thought, and I’ll continue to try to justify my thinking.</p>
<p>Skie,
I don’t think people are “making fun” of the idea. Its just hard to get one’s arms around this. Perhaps it is because those of us who have been brought up in more traditional jewish homes have had it drilled into us that the Bar/bat mitzvah is not about the party- it is about the meaning of the ceremony, the transition to adulthood, the process of becoming an adult in the jewish community. I have learned a lot in this thread, and I can understand and appreciate a different kind of bar/bat mitzvah ceremony that could still embrace the traditions, the passing down of information from generation to generation, etc. But to have the party with no ceremony of any kind just kinda flies in the face of the meaning of the event. I had a friend who , in response to our invitation to attend our son’s Bar Mitzvah, said she and her husband didn’t believe in religious “stuff”, that she hadn’t set foot in a synagogue nor here husband in a church in years, but they would come to the party. She truly had no idea that this was offensive. (they ended up not coming because the hotel wouldn’t let them bring their dog). I guess it’s about differences in value systems.</p>
<p>This is interesting. I never heard of Secular Judaism before.
It sounds to me that the members celebrate customs and traditions of Jewish people, but not the religion. It sounds as though they are looking at being Jewish as an ethnicity, but not a religion. I could be way off base. I have never heard of this before.</p>
<p>We aren’t disagreeing that much, jym and veryhappy. I think having a party and calling it a Bar Mitzvah is ridiculous. But having a party following a ceremony that a Jewish family considers a meaningful rite of passage seems acceptable and worthy of respect. Whether it’s right to call it a Bar Mitzvah when it doesn’t include the traditional prayers and reading from the Torah is questionable, but this is becoming a tradition in and of itself in many communities, just as you say it’s easy to celebrate Christmas and Easter without God because it’s become so secularized in our culture.</p>
<p>Thank you, everyone, for all the research and information. The invitation has very nontraditional wording, asking my son to attend a “secular bar mitzvah.” I know that other invitations have use the other wording, something about the child “becoming a bar/bat mitzvah,” or being called to the Torah. </p>
<p>The invitation last year was to a “bar mitzvah,” which turned out to be a party in a restaurant, with the boy giving a nice speech (I did not hear it, but my son said that it was about becoming a man). This year the invitation has been issued from the school, and there is a luncheon to follow. </p>
<p>Both parents are Jewish, but not particularly religious. </p>
<p>I guess I shouldn’t mention our other friends/neighbors, whose daughter had a bat mitzvah one weekend and a confirmation the next.</p>
<p>Its a shame to see something with a deep meaning like a Bar Mitzvah turned into a farce.</p>
<p>If you are going to have a Bar Mitzvah, have a Bar Mitzvah</p>
<p>If you are going to have a party, then have a party</p>
<p>And if you are going to celebrate Jewish history, culture, tradition, then celelbrate it , just call it what it is.</p>
<p>I do however see some good in these so called secular Bar Mitzvahs. These Jews are still remembering who they are and thier identity, and even if they do pull away from observance and traditionalism, they still have not forgetten what they are, and some day their kids or grandkids etc might have a new interest in the more religious aspects of being a Jew. And these secular ceremonies will serve as valuable reminders. So as farcical as we may find them, at least they are not forgetting who they are.</p>
<p>jym626,
When we had a traditional (Conservative) Bar Mitzvah in our family a couple of years ago my husband invited a work colleague, an important person in his life. We had an evening celebration, as we would not have a party during the Sabbath hours. A week or so before the Bar Mitzvah my H said to his friend, thank you so much for coming. I know it will be a schlep to come for both the service and the party. (Maybe an hour’s drive.) His colleague answered, “What makes you think I’m coming to both?” He and his wife just showed up in the evening for the party. I found this quite offensive. I would have much preferred if he really had to choose, that he came to the morning service. Then again, when we got the invitations to his daughter’s Bat Mitzvah there was no mention of a service whatsoever. Just “come celebrate X becoming a Bat Mitzvah.”</p>
<p>Celebrating Christmas in a “secular” way is one thing. You could celebrate Hanukkah in a secular way as well. Having a party and calling it a bar mitzvah is another–like having a wedding celebration with nary a wedding, as jym pointed out.</p>
<p>IMO it’s good to hold on to whatever vestige of tradition you have–whether it’s ethical, cultural, gastronomical, or whatever–but call a party what it is, and learn what a bar mitzvah is before you try to “have” one.</p>
<p>Despite the fact that traditional Judaism would not accept a bar mitzvah service that takes religion out of the picture, and my personal feelings about it aside(I had also never heard of this) , I think there may be some misunderstanding by some of the posters in that I really get the feeling (correct me if I’m wrong NYMomof2) that this IS the ceremony, or service, in this case and not a party. The invitation is issued by the school and includes the names of ten students. Luncheon to follow could be a very informal and brief thing including all the students and their guests at the school. Doesn’t sound like the party to me, sounds like the service (minus the religion). Most religious services at temples are followed by an Oneg on the premises - not a party, but a gathering afterwards.</p>
<p>I can’t believe people come to the party and skip the ceremony. It would be like skipping the wedding itself and just going to the reception. </p>
<p>I’m not Jewish, but I have found the bar/bat mitzvah ceremonies very moving. Once I even cried at the bat mitzvah of strangers (the synagogue doubled up, with two children sharing a ceremony; we were close to the other family).</p>
<p>Yes, roshke, it sounds as if this is the ceremony, and I imagine that the luncheon will be very low-key. The big party was a year ago (sans ceremony, secular or not). </p>
<p>A possible explanation just occurred to me. The boy turned 13 a year ago, at the time of the party. But maybe he is just finishing his course of study now?</p>
<p>You should probably stick to “I” statements when you say something like this and not try to co-opt other posters to your position by using “we”.</p>
<p>roshke,
I think you are right-- that this event with the 10 kids (a minyan??) is the ceremony. But NYmomof2 said that the friend of her son’s had the “party- without-the-service” last year. That was the part, at least for me, that ruffled my feathers. </p>
<p>I agree with what skieasy and others have said. The fact that these folks are wanting to join a community where they share the same traditions and culture is not a bad thing. Hopefully this includes understanding the meaning of some of the traditions. I am embarassed when I can’t explain the reason for certain traditions. My father in law was given the book “The Jewish Book of Why” (or something like that) that answered all these questions. He doesn’t need it-- he had a very comprehensive background and was a lay leader when he was in the military. It probably would answer more questions than my copy of Leo Rosten’s “The Joys of Yiddish”, but I probably wouldn’t laugh as much :)</p>
<p>Momof3sons-
Thats a sad story. Do people really not “get it”?? We had the opposite problem with our younger s’s bar mitzvah. My h invited a lot of people from his office, and many are from varied backgrounds/countries. I guess he didn’t make it very clear, and I guess the RSVP card wasnt clear enough, but we got lots of positive RSVP’s – and many (and I mean like 15 or more) of his co-workers came to the ceremony and luncheon, but no-showed at the dinner/party that night. We paid a lot of money for meals that weren’t eaten!! Empty tables were not a pretty site! Live and learn.</p>
<p>My guess is similar to yours - I think that the family, in keeping with their desire to follow cultural tradition and celebrate their son’s “becoming a bar mitzvah” at 13 decided to hold the secular celebration of that. However, this is most likely a very small school/congregation and they may only hold the secular service for this once a year or so. </p>
<p>jym626, I’m with you - calling the party without the service a bar mitzvah doesn’t sit well at all. And wow, I feel for what you went through with S2’s reception. :eek:</p>
<p>It is also possible that since the time of the first “bar mitzvah” the family has joined some sort of congregation and the child is now having a more informed bar mitzvah.
I am also of the you don’t do the party if you don’t do the service. I have always stressed that to my kids. I have seen a few families that had only family and congregants at the service but later in the evening a huge kids party. Don’t agree with that one.
I also have found that sometimes it is out of not knowing not out of disregard for tradition that something is done. A classmate of my D’s is having a bar mitzvah later this year. The Mom is not Jewish. It is a reform temple. She asked me is the “theme” of the party suppose to be kept secret. I said no. She said she thought it might be since none of the invitations gave away the theme. She had no idea that most of the invitations reflexed the religious aspect of the day versus the secular party to come that evening. She was so happy I pointed that out before she sent invitations on old record albums.</p>
<p>Skie, you ask if the “secular bar mitzvah” is the same as “people who celebrate Christmas with a tree and singing carols (not to mention the gift-giving) but don’t go to church?” But the way I see it, what is being proposed is more akin to going to church to celebrate Christmas, but without mentioning Christ. Would you be OK with a church service that was simply carols & Santa Claus, or an Easter service that’s all about the bunny? </p>
<p>While I appreciate the cultural connection to Judaism that these people are showing, there are other ways to approach it. (My parents were in fact athiests, but we were given a traditional Jewish education and my brother had a bar mitzvah ceremony. I didn’t - at the time girls did not approach the Torah.)</p>
<p>Chedva–your parents were very smart! Some people would teach their children nothing, saying, “I’ll let them decide for themselves when they’re older.” That’s totally missing the boat.</p>
<p>It is possible the Humanist congregation only celebrates this as a mass event once a year–kind of like confirmation. Or that the parents were just clueless the first time around. We shouldn’t be so quick to judge.</p>
<p>The point of a bar or bat mitzvah, as I understand it, is that you are, at that time, a full-fledged adult in the Jewish community. And you are technically a bar or bat mitzvah when you reach the pertinent age (13 for boys, 12 or 13 for girls, depending on what denomination you’re dealing with). Giving a d’var Torah (sermon, speech), going up to recite the blessings and reading from the Torah or chanting the Haftorah–none of those are required. So if someone, or a group, wants to have some sort of ceremony which celebrates that a child has come of age, and God isn’t mentioned, that seems fine with me, especially since there is absolutely no requirement that God is ever mentioned upon one’s becoming a bar or bat mitzvah. And, of course, there are still thousands of girls, Orthodox girls, girls in non-egalitarian Conservative synagogues, who celebrate becoming bat mitzvah without doing any part of what we’re calling the “religious component.” So, I don’t understand doing this as a two-part event either, but I think having a secular bar-mitzvah is a very nice idea–you’re part of the Jewish community and are saying you find belonging to that community important, regardless of the fact that you don’t share the faith in god part, which is not required as a condition of being Jewish.</p>