Secular bar mitzvah - second one!

Parent Cafe
81

<p>Alu–I agree! Well, weddings are an extremely close second…</p>

<p>As some essayist put it (in words better than mine but this is the jist of it,) to have a ceremony where we publicly praise a 13 year old is really a wonderful thing. S/he shows what s/he has learned, the parents kvell, a milestone is crossed… </p>

<p>This is how it differs from a mere birthday party or Sweet 16 party (which also recognize the child as center of attention.) The main idea is definitely not gifts or a “theme” or how much the parents spent on the party. Tho some people seem to think so.</p>

82

<p>Well we didn’t by any stretch call it a secular, or non bar mitzvah, or anything of the sort, but in a nod to his Jewish family history, I did have a party for my 13 year old son. We invited all the people who had been part of his life thus far, gave them special paper to write out a memory, read them aloud in a circle. Later, I made them into a book. That, and a potluck and normal birthday gifts were his 13th BD party. Living in an area with no extended family about, I wanted a way to commemorate the day, and appreciate those who had shared his life thus far. </p>

<p>Now my daughters wanted no part of any such thing. And we’ve had other very different parties for them at times. </p>

<p>I am one of those Unitarian/Universalist types with an enthusiasm for ceremony and no history of those things being imposed on me. So I feel a need, and enjoy finding ways to make my own.</p>

83

<p>Nice “Sweet 13” party, but a Bar or Bat Mitzvah ceremony demonstrates preparedness to be called upon as an adult to help with various communal responsibilities, at any synagogue worldwide.</p>

<p>Even though the detailed rituals of the four major movements (Reform, Conservative, Orthodox, Reconstructionist) of Judaism differ, the basic architecture of a Sabbath service is the same: prayer liturgy with 18 essentials included, blessing of Torah, reading portions from Torah (Five Books of Moses) and Haftarah (Prophets), adoration prayers, mourner’s prayer. </p>

<p>I understand why an earlier poster wrote this: </p>

<p>“Giving a d’var Torah (sermon, speech), going up to recite the blessings and reading from the Torah or chanting the Haftorah–none of those are required.”</p>

<p>because the age of maturity comes when the birthday rolls around, whether or not there’s been a ceremony. It’s akin to turning l8, when American law confers more new “rights” such as voting or marriage without parental permission. In Jewish law, rather than “rights” these are conceived as new “responsibilities.” Training to performing them once publicly enables the child to forever say “yes” when asked in the future to help, at synagogues or homes, whenever others need him or her to help form an assembled group. </p>

<p>In terms of development of good character, the preparation for these tasks performed publicly on the Sabbath nearest the child’s 13th, or for some movements 12th, birthday, demonstrates to all that the child can DO this. Maybe not perfectly, but the journey has begun.</p>

<p>Training for all of that has a positive, transforming effect on the child’s confidence, that sometimes shows up 5 or 6 months after the ceremony itself, as I’ve seen time and again. The child internalizes that the adults trusted and trained him/her for a large responsibility, if only for an hour or two…leading an assembled group of adults in worship. It’s huge, and takes a while to sink in.</p>

<p>In unique circumstances when the child isn’t quite ready by the customary age, for example due to immigration, recent conversion in by the family, or special learning needs, many rabbis are very flexible and understanding to delay the age, even by several years. The most orthodox might nix it as “an unnecessary ceremony” after age 13 or for a girl, but many are flexible to have it a bit older (age 80, also, these days) if there’s a reason. </p>

<p>IMHO, the invitation to this event described by the OP causes my eyeballs to hit splat upon the ceiling. To celebrate and extol a child who can’t “do” anything much for the whole rest of the community rings hollow and misses a great developmental opportunity (which could be retrieved later, of course). </p>

<p>But I suppose a Secular Humanist Jew might consider my congregation’s rituals and expectations to perform them “empty” since we invoke God’s name throughout the service. So lots of eyeballs splat onto ceilings. </p>

<p>As for gift-giving, I think it would be in keeping with the inviting family’s ideas to make a charitable contribution to the school the child attends.</p>

84

<p>Adding on about gifts: Other charities consistent with Secular Humanist Jews could be donations to local or worldwide causes for education, the environment, or health. $18 or multiples of 18, are especially nice, because the numerical equivalent of “l8” in Hebrew letters spells out the word “Life.” (Imagine if the letter a=1, b=2, etc). This “18” is known even among Jews who haven’t studied Hebrew. The word for life is “Chai” and is the root for the happy cheer, “L"chayim!” – “to life!!!” and is a popular necklace shape today, too.</p>

85

<p>

</p>

<p>Taking this a step further: One is a legal adult when one turns 18. But one cannot vote without taking the affirmative step of registering, and then going to the polling place to cast one’s vote. One cannot marry without getting the license and then having the marriage officiated. The (technically unnecessary) ceremony included in becoming a bar or bat mitzvah is akin to the registration and voting - it is the child’s indication of willingness to take on the responsibilities that are inherent in reaching this age.</p>

<p>The service also serves another purpose: It allows the adult congregation to welcome the child into its midst as an equal. Given the size of the Jewish community in the US, this purpose is also important.</p>

<p>The only times I have not been invited to a ceremony but only to the celebration involved special circumstances - a child so shy or disabled that having the ceremony with a large crowd was impractical. The family served as minyan for the service, but the child did deserve to be celebrated.</p>

86

<p>momof3sons, my only point was that this part of the service is weekly shabbat, happens regardless of whether or not there is a bar/bat mitzvah. I do not endorse showing up late, very rude. And they miss part of a truly meaningful experience.</p>

87

<p>4Giggles–true, but to a non-Hebrew literate guest, the early part of the service means no more than the middle part. I understand your joy at having your child lead preliminaries, and a regular shul-goer should honor your invitation and know to attend the entire service, but a 3 hour service is a bit much to someone who is not Jewish or perhaps only “understands” the Torah service & English sermon and speeches.</p>

88

<p>I have to say, I’ve enjoyed the services. And for some of the longer Hebrew stretches there were books filled with commentary in the pockets of the back of the chairs that made fascinating reading. Much more interesting that anything in a Christian church. :)</p>

89

<p>mathmom–and when I go in churches I like to look through the hymnal to see what they sing!</p>

<p>But some people just sit there like lumps on a log. Polite, but evidently no brain activity going on at all. :confused:</p>

90

<p>4giggles,</p>

<p>I have found that the services at the Reform Synagogues typically run from 10:30-12ish, and most everyone stays in the service the entire time. However, at the Conservative, Orthodox and traditional synagogues and at Chabad, services start by 9 a.m. and go 'til past noon. People seem to come and go quite freely during these longer services, regardless of whether there is a Bar Mitzvah going on as part of the service. I was kinda surprised, as I was raised Reform and this wasn’t so common. No one seems to find the coming and going rude, though it isn’t done when the Rabbi is speaking or when the Torah is open. </p>

<p>Where I live, this is a big metropolitan area, and our kids attend private school. Thus, kids attending Bar Mitzvah services may come from an hour away, and may or may not be Jewish. For them to arrive at 10ish, before the Torah portion begins is pretty common and accepted. They are polite, and enter the sanctuary at appropriate times. </p>

<p>As for the OP’s original post, I am confused as to what school (I am assuming the Sunday/Hebrew school) that is organizing this group Bar Mitzvah. I would not think it would be held or organized by a public school. Was this addressed somewhere in this thread? Just wondering.</p>

91

<p>In our Conservative synagogue, as in others the bar mitzvah service IS the service and the two are one and the same. More accurate, IMO to say that the bar mitzvah child’s major <em>participation</em> in the service occurs later in many conservative temples.</p>

<p>From jewishlearning.org (this gives the answer to the issue of arrival time at a conservative synagogue).</p>

<p>

</p>

<p>Nobody <em>endorses</em> showing up late (for example it is required that one put the start time of the service on the bar mitzvah invitation), but for a conservative service (which can start before 9 AM and go for 3 or even 4 hours if its a holiday - as a practical matter, non immediate family who are invited guests arrive an hour or so late. In most conservative synagogues we’ve been to, with the exception of a few serious regular temple goers, the bar mitzvah families and the clergy themselves, it’s virtually empty at 9 AM. Although I would never talk someone out of coming that early if they wanted to come for the Shema and the Amidah prayers, etc. I would always give the lay of the land to anyone not familiar or accustomed. (ie services start officially before 9, but the Torah service not until later - most people come between 10 and 10:15 or so). <em>Nobody</em> is insulted by this - it is accepted, if not officially endorsed and is common practice.</p>

<p>***On the other hand and this is an important distinction, at a Reform service, one really needs to be there very close to the time the service begins - these are usually only 1 1/2 to 2 hours long, and if you are late, you may miss the bar mitzvah child’s part altogether.</p>

92

<p>The joke is that the non family members who show up on time (or early) are usually gentile.</p>

<p>In our reform congregation, the B’nai Mitvah typically run the entire service, in addition to reciting their torah & haftorah portion. Services usually run two to two and a half hours and most congregants arrive close to the start time.</p>

93

<p>

</p>

<p>Correcting to say more specifically that you may miss the bar mitzvah child’s Torah and/or Haftorah and their speech. That’s the section that the kids work hardest to learn (diffiicult since one must be able to read the Hebrew directly from the scrolls with no punctuation, as well as learning the correct chant or tunes) for up to a year beforehand. It’s very true that in many places, including our own temple, the kids conduct parts of the service all throughout.</p>

94

<p>As long as I have you all here, I’ll ask about something that I’ve wondered about since attending a (religious) bar mitzvah a year ago. At this service, the rabbi and (if I remember correctly) some other males wore a headdress that had a knob on the forehead and something that looked like straps holding it on. I’d never seen anything like it before, even though I’ve attended countless bar/bat mitzvah ceremonies, as well as plenty of Jewish weddings and some funerals. Can anyone enlighten me? </p>

<p>Oh, and there was some candy-throwing at the end of the service?</p>

95

<p>OK, let me try. The straps wound around the forehead with a little box in the middle, down the arm and a box on the hand are called *tefillin<a href=“teh-FILL-in”>/I</a>. The boxes contain hand-calligraphed parchment scrolls with the She’ma on them, and are worn at morning prayers by (generally) Orthodox men. It is worn to fulfill the commandment: “And you shall bind them (the words) on your hand and as a frontlet between your eyes.” (This is the same verse from which Jews get the command to put the mezuzah on the door post: “And you shall write them on the doorposts of your house and upon your gates” that you shall remember G-d and do all His commandments.) They are worn during the preliminary morning prayers and then removed; you must have arrived very early! Often, they are worn during the morning prayers in one’s house and not at the synagogue. Customs on this vary.</p>

<p>The reason for throwing candy at the *bar mitzvah<a href=“or%20in%20non-Orthodox%20synagogues,%20the%20%5BI%5Dbat%20mitzvah%5B/I%5D%20as%20well”>/I</a> is to symbolize the sweetness of learning and of prayer.</p>

<p>And one more thought. Since the synagogue serves many purposes, one of them being community, and the services are long, entering and exiting during the services is not unusual. In fact, I’ve seen much less decorum in Orthodox and Chasidic services (people chatting, going in and out, tending to unruly children) than in Conservative and Reform services. The feeling in Chasidic services is much more chaotic and has little if any resemblance to a church service. Decorum in Conservative and Reform can be more “church-like”.</p>

96

<p>Thank you, Chedva!</p>

97

<p>NYMomof2,
I appreciate your question. When my S was Bar Mitzah’ed, I invited my close friends from work, most of whom were not Jewish. My S led the Friday and Saturday service, with Rabbi only doing his sermon. I advised my friends about arrival time, tefillah, kepahs, etc. Still, they were among first to arrive on Sat morning. Later, they asked many questions. I have a warm feeling to this day.</p>

<p>I approached some other events–coming of age ceremonies for an Indian girl and Hispanic girls–with a similar curiosity. I loved the traditional Indian dance, and appreciated the effort the girl had made to learn the intricate routine.</p>

98

<p>Pretty much a disgrace to the religion.</p>

99

<p>Well, I wouldn’t go quite that far, loslobos. I can actually understand why someone might want to do this. Judaism is so much more than just a religion - it’s a culture, a heritage and a people as well. And those who are uncomfortable with G-d or unfamiliar with the religion itself may still want to celebrate their culture and heritage. But a bar or bat mitzvah, it ain’t.</p>

100

<p>Che, I would.</p>