<p>When my daughter was a little girl, friends and family would say, “what a smart girl…they’re going to love her at (State University) when she grows up” and I would say, “actually, we’re thinking Harvard.” And I would smile. And people knew what I meant…I wasn’t talking about Harvard-Harvard but that we were thinking big…and that we’d support her into colleges that none of us had considered. The years went and she stayed smart…she’s never gotten a B…and top of her class…but things have grown more cloudy as she’s now in her Junior year. Her PSAT scores were so so (190 her junior year) and her SAT followed (1980 on the only try…but after lots of tutoring and she was happy/relaxed during the test). She entered into all of the events that the smart kids do – debate, school newspaper, etc – and she’s done fine there as well. But not great….just fine. She has interesting ECs and a true passion. And I’d say she’s a happy kid…way happier than me at 17. Please understand that I adore and admire her more than I say. </p>
<p>My husband and me had an agreement early on….if D could make it into a top 20 school, we’d move heaven & earth financially but if she didn’t, then we’d turn to the state universities here…which are fine…not amazing but certainly fine….and would cost us less than $10,000 annually (including room & board & books) with her grades. A fantastic deal. I only paid it a bit of attention….I was still looking at a top 20.</p>
<p>So here we are……she’s not getting into a top 20 school…it pains me to write this….we’ve done the tours a lot of you have done….nyu and Columbia….northwestern and UChicago……Duke and Cornell……Princeton and Brown…etc….and its just not going to happen. Which means the State University….that everybody in my family went to…and their kids have gone to as well…and will be all of the kids she went to high school with …and 80% of her classmates will be state residents…. </p>
<p>I know many of you will jump in and say “it’s your ego on the line here, not hers” ……I just want to be able to speak bluntly and honestly and not say the things that Moms are supposed to say but what i’m truly feeling….and to feel disappointed for the situation for just a little while before I move on……</p>
<p>As if none of the rest of us EVER feel anything we don’t want to post . . . </p>
<p>Feel sad. It’s your right. And be glad you can get it off your chest here rather than where your daughter might get wind of your disappointment in the situation.</p>
<p>She’s an A student with B+ test scores. She still has other choices. There are lots of schools that offer merit aid and there are great schools that are test optional. See the list here: [The</a> National Center for Fair & Open Testing | FairTest](<a href=“http://www.fairtest.org/]The”>http://www.fairtest.org/) Why not run the financial calculators on some of them and see whether they can beat the state university price tag? Of course if she likes the state university there is nothing wrong with that either.</p>
<p>Aw. You love your daughter very much and have always wanted the best for her. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. </p>
<p>Going forward, my two cents are 1) remember that she is a person, not your product. Her successes and failures will belong to her. (not that you had no effect, of course you did, but you will have to let go in your own mind and let her own her future) 2) Getting into college isn’t the be all and end all in a person’s life. She sounds like a great kid with a strong work ethic. She can still be a doctor/lawyer/ Indian Chief. Even more importantly, she will be happy, will be a good person, will get married and have kids (or not) and have a full and rich life.</p>
<p>OP I hope you don’t think this is a dumb question, but how do you know she won’t get into any of those schools? Was she already rejected by all of them?</p>
<p>Where does she want to apply to? The excitement isn’t applying to Harvard but to find and discover colleges that would be the best fit/match for HER! My kiddos always said their real growth happened when they were pushed outside their comfort zone. Middle daughter was a terrific athlete with reading disability. Had great GPA in tough courses due to hard work and NOTHING else. She knew and I knew it. Didn’t stop her from applying to some tough, tough schools and getting accepted to those schools including an Ivy. But in our quest to find schools where she would not only thrive but truly challenge herself in other ways she looked outside the box.</p>
<p>She ended up 2000+ miles away, at an OOS public that liked her hard work and ambition. She chose this school over the ivy. The kiddo with the reading disability (lower SAT score than your daughter’s with NO accomodations) ended up graduating magna cum laude with a degree in Classics (lots of reading) a minor in Latin, pre-dental and making it to NCAA nationals. But she was allowed the freedom to take classes she had no idea she would have enjoyed and that only large unis can possibly offer…Flamenco dance, Navajo, she took golf and softball, anatomy in a real anatomy lab…her paid internships were through the medical school and she had published research.</p>
<p>Discovering this school for her and her making the most of the opportunities while there is what made her college experience “Harvard” for her.</p>
<p>Kat
daughter received an academic scholie to attend OOS public making it much, much cheaper than her in-state options which is remarkable since NC public schools have reasonable IS tuition</p>
<p>There is nothing wrong with State University, and there is nothing wrong with having dreams for your child. However, we don’t get to choose our kids’ strengths. Also consider that between the time your D was born, and now, college admissions has gotten that much harder.
Now that you see what’s real- you have a really great student, but not a top 20 one- you are grieving the loss of the dream child. I think many parents go through this in some way, because our kids are going to be different than we are. The athlete dad may not have an athletic son. The academician mom might be raising a dancer. A child may have no interest in maintaining the family business. Children are going to be their own people with their own lives, and our only hope of maintaining a good relationship with them is to love them as they are. You are doing that, but you are grieving first.
State U is fine, but she may see it as a failure if that is how it is considered. Sometimes the state u is unappreciated because it is so familiar. You have time to switch gears here and look at state u with fresh eyes, and consider how it will fit your D.
The other idea is if the thinking is “top 20” or state U (failure) that you are leaving her with little choice. If you can afford it, there are many great schools that would fit your D, and letting her make choices among them may make this not be a disappointment. If you can find some colleges that you are both enthusiastic about, this can turn out very well.</p>
<p>I’m just guessing at her interests, but here are some great schools off the no test scores list: American U, Agnes Scott, Bates College, Bodoin, Brandeis, Bryn Mawr, Clark, Franklin & Marshall, Furman, Wake Forest. I am sure there are more that others can add. This is just a start, but these are excellent colleges to choose from. You and your daughter might enjoy exploring the colleges that fit her interests, and she may end up somewhere that she is very happy at.</p>
<p>First, have her take the SAT again. Most of the time, scores increase, and most colleges super score, so they will take the best of each section.</p>
<p>Even if the scores don’t increase, those are not bad scores. In math, the difference between 690 and 800 can be two questions(it was when my son took it.) Don’t assume a school is unaffordable. What would your daughter like to study? What size school? Where? You may be surprised at the merit aid your daughter would be offered at top-50 schools, maybe not top-20. The state U may be a very good choice, and leave it as an option, but why eliminate other options before they are fully investigated.</p>
<p>Please come back to this thread in four or five years and tell us the next few chapters of the story. This is only the end of
“Chapter 1, Great Expectations”, and
“Chapter 2, Reality Bites”.</p>
<p>I look forward to reading
“Chapter 3, She Loves This Place”.
“Chapter 4, This is Hard”.
“Chapter 5, She’s Blooming There!”
“Chapter 6, So many Opportunities”
“Chapter 7, A Bump In The Road”
“Chapter 8, Graduation: So Many Reasons We Are Thankful for Her Years at This University”
“Chapter 9, First Job”</p>
<p>Agree with the grades/test score assessment. Not at all surprised she did not get into an elite school. State flagships serve not only the good students in their states but many of the elite students, especially in Honors programs. She will find her academic peer group and be able to stretch her mental muscles. </p>
<p>Our gifted son only would apply to 3 schools, went to our top flagship. It would have been nice if he would have applied to some other schools but we couldn’t make him. I definitely understand your disappointment.</p>
<p>It is far better she is at your flagship with less financial strain than going to a lesser private school just to say she’s at xyz. A liberal arts college will not necessarily give her a better education- her U has a liberal college within it. </p>
<p>This is January already, folks. She shouldn’t avoid her flagship. I know many of you have dozens of private schools and lesser flagships in your area so you are not used to the idea that those state schools are as good as or better than most of the colleges I see mentioned here. Even on the east coast most of the best students will be at those public schools- there simply are not enough places at all of those private schools to accommodate the best students in the area.</p>
<p>Good for you, OP mom. Practical, realist. Your daughter is NOT settling for a lesser education. She will be able to find her niche. There is no reason to try to go to a school just for prestige. You vented to us and now can move on. We all have disappointments- my son is working instead of grad school (with a highly intellectual peer group). Not going to school abc will not hurt her- if it seems to she can easily move to where no one has heard of those schools so many here mention.</p>
<p>2 years or so ago when we started looking at schools for our current college freshman, we started by looking at ‘better’ schools that fit his basic criteria…BC, Wake Forest, Michigan, etc…after running lots of NPC’s it became apparent that even if he was accepted there was no way that we could afford to pay for them without serious implications for retirement, debt, etc. </p>
<p>We were disappointed for about 1 day; as soon as I started looking at the great things available at our 2 state flagships I realized that they were truly great and wonderful places even if they aren’t ranked high (we are talking in the 75-100 range). We focused on the positives of our state flagships…</p>
<ul>
<li>35% of the undergrads are from OOS</li>
<li>Fashion design and art major hipsters are good friends with classmates in cowboy boots and cowboy hats that are forestry and animal science majors</li>
<li>Incredible variety of majors to choose from (far more than at my top 20 university)</li>
<li>The frosh class had almost 1,000 students with an ACT score >= 30</li>
<li>800 student organizations</li>
</ul>
<p>The positives at our state schools are substantial. I’m giddy as can be at him being there and know that his future is just as bright as any student attending a ‘better’ school.</p>
<p>The state flagship could be the best outcome here. OP should look at it with fresh eyes. Prestige should not be the reason to avoid it or choose another school. My only disagreement is considering another LAC a “lesser” private school. There may be one that she loves and she may get enough merit aid at one to make it financially possible.
The suggestion is to open the choice box from “Top 20” + State U, to include some colleges that she may end up liking. This of course still includes State U. Finances also are a large consideration in the final decision.</p>
<p>OP, have you ever watched “Friday Night Lights”?</p>
<p>Clear eyes, full heart, can’t lose. </p>
<p>I agree with those who are encouraging you to look for other schools that would be a good fit for her outside of the “top 20”. And really, what would be wrong with school number 21, or 30, or 50? Don’t just look at your daughter with clear eyes. Look at schools–including that state university that would be such an amazing deal–with clear eyes as well.</p>
<p>HikingMom2, it appears that you came here to share your feelings, and to talk about coming to terms with the state university.</p>
<p>But this is the College Confidential Parents’ Forum, and we don’t let you off that easy. This is why what you’re hearing is this–rather than narrowing your focus onto the state university, this is the time to broaden your focus from the Top 20 vs. state U mindset your family had up until now. There are many terrific colleges out there.</p>
<p>This is a cc-er posting under an “alias” for privacy reasons. I don’t think she’s looking for advice. If it’s someone who’s been here long, she already knows the retake the SAT/look at test optional schools/look just outside the top 20/try a CTCL mantras. I think OP just wants to be sad in a place where its ok to be sad about something like realizing her child is not bound for a top 20 school.</p>
<p>HikingMom, you’re honest. We ALL have hopes and dreams for our kids, which may or may not line up with their own hopes and dreams, and/or their abilities. For most us, disappointment about something, somewhere along the line is part of letting them grow up. You are wise to be understanding this now, rather than pushing your daughter toward a miserable senior year, or a mis-matched college. </p>
<p>She should definitely apply to a state public. Every kid needs a safety. And if she wants, she should apply to one or two of those reach schools. Every kid deserves to dream a little.</p>
<p>Then she should start looking very seriously at the middle ground, which is HUGE. Depending on where you are, your state schools might be very good indeed. Out-of-state public schools are also an option, albeit probably a pricey one (most public schools are very expensive for out-of-staters, and offer little aid). And she should look at private schools, which despite a higher list price, may offer enough aid to make it actually cheaper than a public. Liberal arts colleges in particular often take a more holistic look at a student; if they see potential, they can disregard less than stellar test scores. </p>
<p>You mentioned that she has a “true passion.” Have her start looking for schools where she can exercise that passion, either academically or recreationally. That search could lead you to schools which neither of you ever heard of, but which might be just right for her. (And note, fame doesn’t equal quality; there are many, many schools which fly under the radar but where she can get a fine education.)</p>
<p>ETA in view of ordinarylives’ post above. Sorry for the advice, if you already know it. Please take it in the spirit of “All is not lost.” And yes, it’s perfectly OK to be sad about things not turning out quite as we envision.</p>
And yes, it’s perfectly OK to be sad about things not turning out quite as we envision.</p>