Seeking Advice: First Time College Parent , What Should I Expect?

Parents Forum
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I am a parent navigating the college admissions and transition process for the first time, and honestly, it has been a mix of excitement and overwhelm. My child is currently a high school junior, and we are starting to look at colleges seriously now. I have been reading a lot, but there’s nothing quite like hearing from those who’ve been through it.

A few questions I do love input on:

What are the most important things to prioritize during junior and senior year?
How involved should I be in the process without overstepping?
Any tips for managing the emotional side of watching your child prepare to leave home?
Also, how did you support your student without putting too much pressure on them?
I am really hoping to learn from this community and connect with others in the same boat or who have already been through it.

Thanks so much in advance!

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Grades, organizational skills, and SAT/ACT preparation.

Varies by family. Listen, but understand that young adults change a lot during the final two years of high school.

One approach is to pose questions to your child rather than making statements. This gets the student involved in the process in a manner that places the process and decisions more within his/her control. Introduces more mature, adult-like thinking process.(More important to see the issues rather than to know answers.)

Parent has to be willing to let child go & grow while assuring the student that he/she is free to contact parents at anytime. (Not really an answer to your question, but separation is a process for both parents and child as both grow from the experience.)

Raise issues and respond to questions without stating absolutes for anything other than finances.

Use resources like The Fiske Guide To Colleges and US News. (Many like to criticize US News’ college rating & ranking system and results, but US News shares a lot of valuable information in an organized and condensed fashion. Before US News rated and ranked colleges & universities, colleges & universities were a mystery to most–even to college counselors who based much of their recommendations on personal relationships with college admissions officers & reps rather than on actual knowledge.)

Research, research, research colleges and universities. After many decades, I am still pleasantly surprised by what I learn about options and opportunities at large universities.

The college application process is a tailored endeavor.

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Also join us here Parents of the HS Class of 2026

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Don’t make college admissions the currency of your relationship with your child! Yes, you have to go through the process, and it is fun as a parent to see your kid imagining their future, but don’t let it take over.

This is a great place to vent and learn that is separate (and invisible. )

What could be helpful now is looking at your schedule in macro terms to figure out when you can do college visits and when to do testing (and test prep.) Both your commitments and your kid’s can make this tricky. You may want to use summer for test prep and spring break for visits, for example.

Junior year grades will be important in terms of applications, so be wary of thinking you’ll be able to pile a lot on during the year. And don’t forget that your child needs to be present and engaged in school. Iow, don’t let high school turn into an admissions test for college. It’s its own thing!

This also will depend on how excited and engaged your kid is, what your high school resources are, how much time and money you can put into the search, etc. Budget can drive so much of this, so you and your kid getting on the same page on that can save a lot of time and heartache.

You are smart to be gathering info now. And enjoy the ride!

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Be very upfront with your child about the college budget. You’ll likely have to help with the Net Price Calculators when researching schools.

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What are the most important things to prioritize during junior and senior year?

Your child should continue to do their personal best in high school. Make sure they have take. Four years each of English, Social Studies, Math, Science, and up to level three at least of a foreign language. Some colleges also like to see an arts courses as well.

How involved should I be in the process without overstepping?

this is very child and family dependent. In the Thumper family, we did give suggestions of colleges for one of our kids to look at. The second got better suggestions from a person in their field of study (music performance). BUT in the Thumper Family, we all had to agree on the list of colleges to which the kids applied BEFORE the applications were sent.

We were available to answer questions if asked, but our lives weren’t consumed with college searches.

Any tips for managing the emotional side of watching your child prepare to leave home?

get a copy of the book “Letting Go”. In our family we were very excited to watch our kids take this next step.

Also, how did you support your student without putting too much pressure on them?

we answered questions when asked. We gave suggestions of colleges, but then let the kids go from there

Free advice…if you have financial considerations, please discuss this with your student before applications are sent, so they know if money isn’t forthcoming, an acceptance won’t be a place they can attend.

If you are able to visit some types of colleges, do so. That way your student can get a sense of the type of college they might like.

And lastly, I would suggest you NOT discuss your college search and selection with others, and neither should your student. Our kids didn’t discuss with family or friends, and when asked, politely said “I’ll let you know about college when I decide where I’m going.”

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The best way to make sure things aren’t stressful is to have a true safety that your child loves and that is easily affordable. Bonus points if the school has rolling admission. (If you do a chance me and follow the template there are many knowledgeable people here who can help you build your list).

In that note, don’t start your college visits with reach schools. It’s easy to fall in love with those, but sometimes a bit more challenging to find the safeties.

Let your child be the driver in terms of what they like - big/little, urban/rural, public/private, etc…So go visit a wide range of places. (And you can start by visiting schools near where you live to get a sense of what they like).

Have your child start being in charge of their own schedule - making their own appointments, managing their own conflicts, etc… Likewise with laundry and cooking.

I have an only child. I kind of threw myself into new experiences. We moved after graduation, rehabbed an old house, and I went back to work for a few years. It helped me to keep busy but honestly I think the anticipating of the empty nest was worse than it actually was. My H and I have developed new hobbies, gotten season tickets to sporting events, and kind of feel like we are reliving our own youth but with just a more comfortable standard of living ; )

This site is a great resource. Ask whatever questions you have and you will get lots of answers and different perspectives as well.

Welcome!

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If you live in an area with colleges nearby, go visit. Doesn’t matter if they are schools your child is considering. The purpose is to help your child determine if they want big/small, urban/suburban/rural, rah rah or non sports focused, greek/non greek, etc. Good luck and enjoy the ride.

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Having just gone through this, I can best describe our particular roles as parents as “passive-aggressive administrative assistants.” Some specific tips based on your questions:

  • Prepare a rough resume (in preparation for the Common App) and request LOR’s from teachers before the end of the jr. school year. Yes - they need multiple months’ of notice.
  • Target this last summer on a particular activity to try to take it to the next level.
  • Wrap up the essay(s) before the start of senior school year. It will be much harder to focus on those once sr. year begins.
  • If your child will apply early, set mid-October as your ultimate deadline for everything and work backwards to set critical deadlines.
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Ditto on have at least one essay completed before the start of senior year. Since they won’t have narrowed down their choices it may be difficult to do several essays, but at the very least having one (usually the personal statement and/or another from the CA list) should be done before the start of senior year.

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I’d suggest starting the conversation with “What do you want to be when you grow up?”

At 16-17 years old, college feels to the teenager like it’s their destination. But it’s not. It’s the bridge to their future, a means to an end. Overemphasis on college can blur the view of the real goal. If a student is goal-oriented going into college, the experience of college will be much more meaningful and the choice of which cllege will become much easier.

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Schedule your “financial autopsy” NOW.

That means assembling all the information you need and spreading it out.

How much is in designated college savings account? If it’s in volatile investments, now is likely the time to rebalance the portfolio. What do your monthly credit card bills look like? Many people assume “oh well, this was an expensive year because the muffler fell off and the compressor on the fridge died”. Guess what? Appliances fall apart even when your kid is in college. Yes, you can eat out less. But get a grip on your core, recurring expenses so you understand what you can actually afford.

I cringe when people IRL say “We have no college savings but we’re going to cash flow the entire amount”. Really? Last year you told me you had to take a HELOC to get the house painted. And now you’ve got all this extra “cash flow”?

There is no financial fairy to come and fix decisions you made years go. So as painful as it is, figure out exactly what you CAN cash flow for college, which savings you can liquidate for college.

And for god’s sake- if your mental “retirement account” is NOT in a properly titled IRA, 401K… fund that sucker right now. College financial aid formulas will not ask you to tap your properly titled retirement accounts. But they will assume that the Vanguard account which has 200K in Exxon/Mobile stock is easily cashed out and available for college. So if you’re planning on that as your retirement money… ask your Vanguard rep to help you move whatever is the legal limit into an actual retirement fund.

You and your kid will be in a much better position to think about actual colleges once you understand your financial picture. Otherwise, it’s like trying on dresses in Neiman Marcus and then talking yourself into whatever is in the window at Old Navy.

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Set a budget.

Start preparing them to be on their own. Cook a meal, do laundry, manage cash, etc.

Find a safety school they’ll attend if necessary. Reassure them there’s no “one” dream school.

Don’t wait until the last minute to apply, write essays, send payments, etc. Technical difficulties happen and can impact acceptances.

Talk less and listen more.

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One addition. Start getting them to be better at time management. The most successful students I knew, not necessarily the smartest, had excellent organizational and time management skills. Took a semester or two to figure this out.

Most schools offer classes for this. Make sure your kids know and use all available resources.

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As the parent, do the financial planning to know what the college budget is for the student (including accounting for younger siblings and your own retirement as applicable). Before any applications are made, inform the student of the price limit and use the net price calculator on the financial aid web site of each college of interest.

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This.

If you can swing it, try to visit schools when they are in session, so that your child can see what a populated campus looks like, and whether your child can visualize themself being a student there. (But if you can’t visit a campus prior to applying to a school, there should be Admitted Student Days in the spring of your child’s senior year at high school when they can take an onsite visit, and see who their potential classmates might be.)

Also, whenever I visited a campus with my children, I usually tried to keep my mouth shut and let my child take the lead in asking questions (if any); I would rarely ask a question to a tour guide and then only if I wanted my child to hear the answer (for example, What is the average GPA/test score range for admitted students).

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Since great advice had been given I will go in a different direction. Start your kids with a starter credit card now in high school. Both of our kids worked in college (10-15 hours /week). We never had to cosign anything for them including apartments. Their scores were well over 800. We had them meet with our banker to get one and she explained to them how to build credit the correct way. It gives them responsibility and it’s always kinda funny how they don’t spend much when it’s “their” money. Lol.

Make a very detailed excel or the like sheet listening everything you need about the colleges. Include deadlines. Cost. In and out of state. Scholarships to apply to. Etc etc. We then created a google doc and shared it. They knew our finances for college also upfront.

We got involved in the process and did lots of researching schools mostly for us to understand the differences. Two 180 degree different kid’s and types of schools. Totally agree with going to local colleges and just walk around. We would get lunch and observe. My daughter wanted small and my son wanted Big Ten large but he could honestly see himself in a few different ranges of student populations.

Choosing a school by fit is very important in your child’s wellbeing. Rank is not fit.

Also, don’t get caught up with keeping up with the Jones. Your daughter should try to block out all the noise. Both kid’s and parents can stress the wrong thing’s about college’s. The best college for your daughter might be the one that no one heard of.

Also, keep your friends, relatives, neighbor’s asking your kids about their selection process. This adds pressure on your kid’s.. My son actually brought this to our attention. He didn’t need to discuss with them which colleges he applied to and why. Many will say “X is such a great school, why don’t you want to go there”?

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Lots of great advice already, so I will just toss in a fairly philosophical point. I think this is one of those situations where this great quote from Dr. Benjamin Spock applies:

“Trust yourself, you know more than you think you do.”

Specifically, you know your kid better than anyone. This doesn’t mean you can’t learn from others, but ultimately the goal is to have your kid be excited about attending an affordable college. And that is a very personal thing, and you are the single best person to help your individual kid go through a process appropriate for them.

I’d also toss in the thought that we all tend to be more adaptable than we give ourselves credit for in advance. This means most kids will adapt to most colleges as long as you get the basics right. The basics mean comfortable affordability, suitable academic programs, and generally feeling safe and welcome at your college.

Again, if your kid is like most kids, many colleges will fit that description and the fun is in helping them get particularly excited about wherever they choose from that list. But truly, the stakes are not as high as some people seem to suggest, as long as you get those basics covered.

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I thought of two additional things:

  1. Love the kid on the couch. IOW love whatever your student has to bring to the college application process and where they might be a successful college applicant.

  2. Remember…your student is going to college (not you parents). The student needs to know they will be happy at their college.

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As a follow-up, small pet peeve to avoid - When discussing college planning with your kids, your friends, here on cc, etc., please don’t say “we” are looking for, looking at, applying to, etc. It is not “we”. Your kid is going to college, not you. It is their planning and journey and decision.

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