<p>You really need to back away now. And tell him that: “S, you’ve shown you can do a great job, and we are going to stop micromanaging you now. This should be in your hands. Let us know if you need cash or anything.” </p>
<p>No more nightly phone calls, reminders about class or exams, or monthly lunches. Reduce contact on your end to a couple times a week TOPS and let him initiate contact if he needs to chat more often than that. He’s an adult - time to loosen the apron strings. And that’s just what he’s trying to tell you.</p>
<p>Ditto on moonchild–go back and read it again. Especially about his message being clear. Back off and let him take care of himself. And he does NOT sound addicted to games–addiction is a loaded word–don’t use it casually.</p>
<p>I agree that it sounds like you’re way overly-involved. It sounds like he has a good support system–friends to work out with, and he probably is in classes with them as well. And many of the games you’re talking about are, believe it or not, social as well.</p>
<p>If he’s still pulling down a 3.7, he’s doing fine–especially in engineering. Let him be. Let him be who he wants to be unless his grades drop to an unacceptable level. And let him define what is acceptable and what his not.</p>
<p>You mentioned he had nearly perfect SAT/ACT. If your son is at a school where he needs a minimum grade point to keep a merit scholarship, that would be one valid point for your son–again, that’s your son–to keep an eye on. </p>
<p>But engineering is tough. You need some context. A B in high school health or even high school AP Biology is not the same as a B in some of the required core for engineering. Some American engineering schools have weedout courses where the bulk of the class would be SALIVATING to get a B.</p>
<p>I also thinking calling every single day is too much: Make a deal to talk twice a week instead, with a daily good night “text”. And monthly visits are fine but hopefully you are telling about your own lives and asking about his social activities–not grades. Or even better, visit the campus art exhibition or museum with him or see a student concert or play. Get away from the rundown of grades and exam discussions and build some positive memories with this wonderful young adult you’ve been blessed with. </p>
<p>I can’t see anything in what he said that would suggest he is addicted to games and social media. Blowing off steam by playing games is not an addiction. Not getting straight A’s is not an addiction. Now he may be playing more than is good for him, or it may be that he’s at a college where everyone else also had great SAT scores and 4.0’s in high school. Your expectations may not be realistic. I think you should step back from the edge and stop nagging him. I don’t think you should be calling every night. We call our kids once a week. One never calls us mid-week, the other does from time to time. We are far enough away that with rare exceptions we only saw them for school breaks. Let him grow up, please.</p>
<p>Yikes I missed the part about a daily phone call…OP my DS is in an engineering program at a top school too. If I called him every day it would seriously stress him out. I think even if I texted him every day that would be too much.
Please consider reducing the amount of phone calls. </p>
<p>Sounds like you have a great child who has lasted a lot longer than most kids with this sort of intensive parenting. He’s not telling you to get out of his life, he’s telling you to let him handle his responsibilities for himself. He knows what they are and so far he’s doing very well. I think a once a week phone call is decent considering how busy he is, and you should consider talking about other things. Do you share common interests? Talk about your hobbies, maybe a sports team you both root for, news of interest in your home town, just normal stuff.</p>
<p>For those kids that were “nearly” perfect in high school, sometimes it is a huge relief to realize they can’t be that in college and its a blessing to get that first “B” out of the way and realize its ok to not be perfect. And to still do well, be social and manage the other things - like living on your own - on your own!!! </p>
<p>My kid goes to a difficult STEM college where the average GPA midway through the sophomore year is a 2.8 (end of core semesters, GPAs do go up after that). I bet if you found out the average GPA for your son’s program, he is probably in the top 10%. Leave the kid alone. Let him have a hobby, and let him figure out for himself when his exams are, if he has assignments due, etc. He is the one in college. Not you. Let him grow up, he is doing fine.</p>
<p>Thank you all for advices. Reading all replies, it appears we need to gradually control ourselves from “helicoptering” over him. Instead we have to find a way to make him realize that his future depends on his own creativity and dedication. In this aspect, I like the suggestion of ClassicRockerDad that we should talk to him seriously that “you are an adult now (he turned 18yo a few days ago; he jumped a grade in the school) and that you should take responsibilities of your coursework. You did well in high school so you could get an admission to a great engineering program at your chosen college with an excellent scholarship. Now, if you do well in the remaining courses you can again get an opportunity to go to a great graduate program. We are always available to help you in whatever means we can.” Instead of asking coursework, we should talk to him about other activities and may be research work, going overseas trips, etc. He likes traveling, Japanese animations, and innovations.</p>
<p>Haven’t read all the above posts on this thread, but engineering IS pretty intense. It is tough to get all As, no matter how bright the student is, as they are in classes with other kids who have always gotten all As as well. It’s good for each student to find his/her own balance. When kids have an academic scholarship that requires a minimum grade point average, that is already added incentive to be sure to keep grades high.</p>
<p>It is very common for kids in engineering to enjoy computers, tech, video, and social media (even more than kids in other majors perhaps). I’m glad you’re trying to back away and give your S the time and space to figure out his OWN balance. </p>
<p>We also wanted our S to go to grad school after he got his BEE degree but he decided to apply to jobs and has been working now for 3 years. He may go back to get a master’s in engineering or an MBA, but it’s not as high a priority for him at the moment. He’s enjoying a break from academics and he (and we) feel he will benefit more from going to grad school when he’s ready to tackle it.</p>
<p>I think you still have it wrong. If you have not instilled this in him by now, you aren’t going to. He has made the message very clear that he wants you to back off. Sounds to me like you have pressured him so much that even the ClassicRockerDad conversation is likely to annoy him. He won’t believe it… you don’t tiger parent a kid for 18 years, then suddenly one day make that switch without deep suspicion from your kids that you haven’t REALLY changed. And you haven’t. This statement still says that YOU have to make HIM do something. Leave him alone. He is well aware of the consequences at this point. You need to stop living your life through him – what he is doing may not be what you would do, but that is okay. It is his life now, and he is doing fine. </p>
<p>Leave your son alone. He is fine. The discussion you are proposing is a helicopter landing. Just let him be. Up he is doing fine.</p>
<p>You know…some engineering majors actually get JOBS after undergrad school. Grad school happens later. </p>
<p>And some engineering graduates (like my kid) get their engineering degrees and decide to pursue different career options.</p>
<p>Let you SON make up his mind. Stop discussing this with him. He has made it abundantly clear to you that this subject is not one he wishes to discuss.</p>
<p>And anyway…he has an excellent GPA, friends, and hobbies. </p>
<p>I’m not sure what you think your input will gain other than him resenting you even more.</p>
<p>*… "you are an adult now (he turned 18yo a few days ago; he jumped a grade in the school) and that you should take responsibilities of your coursework. HE ALREADY KNOWS THIS. You did well in high school so you could get an admission to a great engineering program at your chosen college with an excellent scholarship. * HE ALSO KNOWS THIS. * Now, if you do well in the remaining courses you can again get an opportunity to go to a great graduate program. *HE ALREADY KNOWS THIS! All of these statements are full of pressure and YOUR expectations.</p>
<p>* We are always available to help you in whatever means we can,* YES! THEN ADD, * … but we realize it’s time to step back and let you make your own decisions about your courses and the plans for your future. We are proud of you! * HE DOESN’T KNOW THIS, and it would be music to his ears!</p>
<p>The problem is, you have been saying too much. It’s too much because so much direction makes kids feel that you have no confidence in them to make decisions, and as a result, they lose confidence in themselves. In order for him to become the kind of self-directed young man that you hope he will be, you need to let him make these kinds of decisions now, for himself.
Be there for advice when he asks, but refrain from giving advice otherwise. This is hard to do for most of us, believe me; we’re all working at it. You’ve done a great job raising him for him to have come this far, but parenting a young adult is a different set of parenting skills that requires the right balance of support while letting go at the same time. Letting go with love is really hard, but will pay off when you see your son’s pride in what he has accomplished through his own “creativity and dedication,” as you wisely stated. </p>
<p>I do think that engineering is better served by saving it for grad school, as are other fields which are directly job related, like education & business. My son in law has a grad degree in engineering as his undergrad education was broader.
However both my brother & nephew have undergrad engineering degrees and they dont see the need for more.</p>
<p>Foreverdad, I feel that perhaps my emphasis was misplaced. The fault is my own. Let me try again. Emphasis in CAPS. </p>
<p>Son, you’re an adult now. I’M GOING TO SUPPORT YOU REGARDLESS. I’M GOING TO RESPECT ANY DECISIONS THAT YOU MAKE. </p>
<p>You seem aware that you have this addiction and that it could keep you from accomplishing what you really want to accomplish. When you get back to school, IF YOU THINK IT’S APPROPRIATE, I won’t object if you SEEK A REFERRAL FOR PSYCHOLOGICAL COUNSELING TO HELP YOU DEVELOP STRATEGIES to address your addiction (meaning I’ll pay the co-pays). In the meantime, I realize that my constant worry and harping on your addiction is becoming COUNTERPRODUCTIVE. The direction of YOUR life is completely YOURS to choose. I WON’T JUDGE. I’M HERE TO HELP in any way but ONLY to the extent that YOU feel that you need or want me to. I LOVE YOU and I DON’T WANT YOU TO WORRY about disappointing me. YOU’RE ALREADY A LOT MORE THAN I COULD HAVE EVER IMAGINED WHEN YOU WERE BORN. </p>
<p>The point is more that you are backing off and supporting him in whatever he decides, but also pointing out that psychological counseling may be useful to develop strategies to defeat the addition. </p>