<p>Hi all,
We are having a dilemma on how we can help him win over computer games and social media. He was an all A student in HS with nearly perfect ACT and SAT. Continued maintaining all A in the first semester of freshman. In the second semester he started slacking, and got three BS, rest are As. Still maintains 3.76 out of 4.0 in a very, very competitive engineering program in a top ten university. He now says, he could have easily gotten at least two more As in the last semester but he was busy with games, etc. Still very keen to go to a graduate school, and so doing a full time summer research in the school’s lab and taking a summer course.</p>
<p>But these days, his attitude has changed. He doesn’t like to talk about classes, exams, grades. He easily gets annoyed. We know his capacities, like he said, he could have easily maintained all As, but he is just addicted to games and other activities. Luckily, he is within four hours drive, so we visit him frequently. Yesterday, he flatly told me - “don’t remind me for classes, exams and grades. I know I have to get good grades and do good research and publications to get to a good grad school. I will try my best for the remaining courses but if I couldn’t then we have to live with that”. The later part of his statement is scaring me.</p>
<p>In the first semester he was in a common room, sharing with a student. He moved to a single room at the start of second semester, when he started staying late in the night playing games, missed classes, and even reached late in a few midterm exams. Next year he will be again in a single room.</p>
<p>He has a 3.7 GPA which is terrific. This despite gaming and social media. Does he have other issues, or are you concerned only about his grades.</p>
<p>Who is paying the extra costs for the single room?</p>
<p>He doesn’t have any other issues so far, we are just concerned with his grades. Courses are getting tougher and he is taking excessive course loads 17 cr hr in the next semester together with research. He is very opinionated. When we told him to lessen course loads, he doesn’t agree. He feels he can make all A together with 6hr/week research work. No doubt, he is smart and quick. However, any college courses (specially engineering) demand continuous effort and research needs dedication. He is enjoying research work, though.</p>
<p>We are paying extra cost for the single room. He uses money from his research for car gas and games, music etc. </p>
<p>If you were concerned about him being in a single room, why did you agree to pay the extra cost for it?</p>
<p>Working doing research six hours a week is manageable. He is enjoying it, and it is valuable experience. </p>
<p>He wants to get good grades, but in my opinion, expecting all A’s is not reasonable. He is an engineering major…and maybe I’m way off, but I think his current GPA is quite good. </p>
<p>Thank you for advice. One thing reminds me- he is our only child, has no close relatives. Though he had some good friends in HS, he was very attached to his mom. We visit him at least once a month and call him almost every evening. In the college he has some good friends, and he goes to gym with them almost every day to workout. </p>
<p>However, I think it is kind of freedom of being away from home and game addiction. </p>
<p>I say he is still functioning okay (3.7 GPA). I’d let him alone. Young adults need to learn to deal with temptations and distractions. Maybe this is his way of rebelling against too much parental control and pressure. And it is a very common hobby for young men in STEM areas. He isn’t flunking out, losing scholarships, etc. He just isn’t doing what YOU deem acceptable work (eg, perfection, all As). </p>
<p>I’m not sure where there’s any evidence of gaming/social media addiction. Heck with a load like that, those things might be his only outlet. If he was really addicted, he wouldn’t be pulling down those grades with those ECs. </p>
<p>He’s probably just feeling stressed. A 3.7 GPA is still fantastic. Unless there are other signs that something is going on, I’m not sure what the big deal is. A 4.0 in a rigorous engineering program is an unrealistic expectation. </p>
<p>I think you need to take a big step back or risk alienating this kid. Visit rarely. Speak on the phone no more than twice a week. Let this young adult live an adult life. And stop using terms like “addiction” when the real issue is that you just don’t like the fact that he has recreational interests and is less than 110% committed to academics. He has asked you to back off and doesn’t wish to discuss school with you. Why not respect his wishes? Surely tiger parenting has to stop when a child goes off to college.</p>
<p>I feel your pain. We all just want our children to maximize their potential, and clearly your child has a lot of potential!! However, I am pretty sure the reason your child sounds annoyed is because he IS annoyed with the pressure and judgement he feels from you. Children break away from their parents eventually, and usually the break begins earlier, but in your case, it sounds like it has barely begun. </p>
<p>He really does not sound addicted to video games. He is doing very well. If he doesn’t end up at a top five grad school program, his life will still be outstanding with his level of talent. Try to give him some space to determine his own priorities because you really cannot impose yours upon him for much longer, and you risk harming your relationship with him if you try too hard to do so. </p>
<p>A 3.7 gpa, physical activity regularly, friends, research work, career goals…Remind me again of the problem? :)</p>
<p>You have expressed your worries. Until and unless his life goals are deemed in jeopardy by him, AND he asks for help, I think you are in need of space. Phoning every night? Not typical. Visiting once a month for lunch doesn’t seem awful to me, but give him some space. Staying up playing games is pretty normal.</p>
<p>I think your son is performing well, but I do hear you concern about gaming. As a college professor, I have seen a couple of students get into academic and social trouble over gaming, but it is not that common. Most students use it as a release. I’m optimistic that the research job will re-engage him in academic work.</p>
<p>I know slacking and 3.7 isn’t it Freshman year tends to be the big adjustment year and grades may not be the best. Your son sounds like a great student who has adjusted very well to college. Apparently, he thinks he can take a heavy load - if he had a similar load this past year, I think he’s right. I am a little confused, either you think he’s slacking (he definitely is not) or he’s taken on too much work (he’ll find out next year). I don’t think you can have both and still have his grades.</p>
<p>Foreverdad, you are in a tough place. If I was in your place, here is what I would say. </p>
<p>Son, you’re an adult now. I’m going to support you regardless. </p>
<p>You seem aware that you have this addiction and that it could keep you from accomplishing what you really want to accomplish. When you get back to school, why don’t you seek a referral for psychological counseling to help you develop strategies to address your addiction. In the meantime, I realize that my constant worry and harping on your addiction is becoming counterproductive. The choice direction of your life is completely yours. I won’t judge. I’m here to help in any way I can to the extent that you need me. I love you and I don’t want you to worry about disappointing me. You’re already a lot more than I could have ever imagined when you were born. </p>
<p>If you are truly convinced that this gaming is out of control and an addiction AND your son is aware and admits that it is a problem - - then I think ClassicRockerDad’s words are a lovely approach.</p>
<p>I didn’t really know my kids grades at all during college. I think this helped our relationship a lot. They had their ups and downs I am sure but are doing fine. I know it is hard but your son is at an age when autonomy is important and if slacking off is a way to assert himself against parental pressure, then perhaps withdrawing a little will make that less necessary I hear you about games. Perhaps the single room should be reconsidered because that payment is your business, but the rest of it can perhaps, wisely, be treated as his business. Convey to him that you trust and respect him enough to run his own life and make his own decisions and tell him his parents are going to withdraw a bit as a result. It’s tough so I say this in sympathy. Seems like he is doing pretty well overall so you can take this risk in order to keep a good relationship with him, which may be more important than grades!</p>
<p>p.s. just read classicrockerdad’s lovely suggestion…after posting mine…</p>
<p>“don’t remind me for classes, exams and grades”
“missed classes, and even reached late in a few midterm exams.”</p>
<p>How do you know that he has missed classes and reached late on a few midterm exams? What does reminding him about exams mean? Is he telling you all of this or do you somehow have access to his college accounts and are checking on him to see whether he is attending classes and when his exams are? </p>
<p>I don’t think the message could be more clear. He’s trying his best. He’s not sure he can live up to your expectations, and he wants you to know that he may not be able to. The idea that he might not pull all A’s and get into a top grad school really scares you, and he knows it. He’s telling you that you may have to adjust your thinking. He already has.
There’s nothing wrong with wanting the best for our kids. We all do. But it’s important not to let our hopes for our kids become unrealistic expectations that they feel they need to live up to for us.<br>
He’s doing very well grade-wise at an very competitive school in a very competitive program. It sounds like instead of letting him know how proud you are of him, you’re telling him he’s not doing enough because he’s not getting perfect grades.<br>
His attitude sounds pretty healthy to me. He’s found an outlet (no indication in your posts that gaming has become an addiction) and he’s being honest with you about his grades and his intentions, as well as his own more realistic expectations. I agree with others who say it’s time to back off, let him own his education and the results of his efforts, and be proud of what he has achieved. To expect perfection is a recipe for failure.</p>
I hear you about games. Perhaps the single room should be reconsidered because that payment is your business, but the rest of it can perhaps, wisely, be treated as his business. Convey to him that you trust and respect him enough to run his own life and make his own decisions and tell him his parents are going to withdraw a bit as a result. It’s tough so I say this in sympathy. Seems like he is doing pretty well overall so you can take this risk in order to keep a good relationship with him, which may be more important than grades!</p>